I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Jesus Christ.
You must know some pretty dysfunctional families to declare those kids will be “happier than many”.

What would happen if one (or both) of you fell in love with someone else?

If your children were gay, would you want this life for them?

Are you posting these comments just to provoke or are you (as MN likes to say) 'hard of understanding'?

There is a world of difference between sexual orientation and preferences to sexual behaviour between a heterosexual married couple.

If any child discovers their parent is bisexual after assuming a hetero marriage for 18+ years it's going to come as a shock.
Bisexuality is not 'the norm'.

Living a lie, whether it's having a 30 year old affair, being gay, being bi and then discovering that as an adult can have consequences.

Children live in a world of trust.
Where who their parents are , and what they appear to be to the world ,as honest.
To find out your parent (s) have been dishonest with you for years is not a great experience. It can shake the foundations of your world.

As in the worlds of Larkin' They fuck you up your Mum and Dad, they mean not mean to but they do..'

Sometimes I wonder how people even feed themselves if they don’t understand the difference between “identical” and “equivalent in context”.

Sorry quote marks should say ' wondering if he is my biological father'?

You what now? Is this meant to be an insult. It’s not a very good one of so.

You also haven’t said why the dc should be the last to know their father is and has said he identifies as gay.

Indeed, we do wonder.

Just jumping on again to say, not sure how old the OP is, but I think people need to remember that even in the 90s/early noughties, the landscape wasn’t quite as friendly as to the LGBT community as it is now. If OPs husband had grown up around that, and even if he wasn’t exactly closeted before they married, it might not be as straightforward as ‘but why did he make this choice?’

I even know a couple in their early 30s who are married and have an open arrangement. They are both actively bisexual but love each other and want to raise a family together, so made this decision.

You objected to my drawing equivalent between sexual preference and sexual orientation, so I’m asking you directly about your parents’ sexual orientation.

Obviously you don’t know, which is completely normal.

Obviously you’re too “hard of understanding” to realise that this completely makes my point for me.

Were either of your parents bisexual?

How do you know?

That is a very good question. I am absolutely sure my father was bi, or indeed 99% gay. That in no way alters my perception of him as a loving father. In fact all it ever did was leave me feeling "Oh well, that explains a lot!". I have known a few people who discovered in later life that their fathers were gay, many old enough for those marriages to have been for reasons of the illegality of homosexuality. Not one of those people had any problem with coming to terms with it and carrying on happy relationships with said parents. If anything it enabled them to understand why their parents' marriage seemed slightly 'different'.

No, I'm not an actress and I dont feel like "acting" is something I need to be doing, it never occurred to me. Of course, in a life-threatening situation and under duress, I would imagine could do anything, including going down on a woman - but I would never do it willingly for no reason at all.

I just said they were two different things entirely.

I think you were making a general point about posters being aware of their parent's sexual preferences.

Yes, I can say categorically that mine are 100% heterosexual.

Happy now?

The op has said he is gay, and he identifies as a gay man. His call not yours.

That ups the chances he will leave when this supposed agreement to stay ends and he’ll be in relationship with a man. At which point the dc can ask how long did you know you were gay?

Why tell dc any relationship goes and love is varied but leave out being gay? It’s not that people don’t know about gay marriages or in this case a gay / straight one.

It does feel a bit sad for you that you decided in your 20s you could never find someone who could be a good trustworthy partner and father AND that you could be attracted to.

But I also acknowledge that while unconventional it does sound like your arrangement works, for now.

What I would say is that a lot of relationships change or fall apart when people are in their 40s and it's also MUCH harder to find a partner as you age... how can you be sure you will both keep your promise to stay together and won't decide you want true love?

Let’s not make HIV a gay/MSM thing. New diagnoses in the U.K. amongst gay and bisexual men actually dropped according to the latest stats https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/hiv-annual-data-tables/hiv-testing-prep-new-hiv-diagnoses-and-care-outcomes-for-people-accessing-hiv-services-2025-report

He's not sad, she's not sad, the kids aren't sad. Who are you to judge someone else's lived experience? Stop judging.

I have no idea the extent to which my parents were wholly heterosexual, but if I found out they weren’t, it wouldn’t change a thing about my relationship with them, because what they got up to in the bedroom had no impact on the way they related to their children.

It’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever read.

A woman in her 20s decided that she’ll never find a decent man that would find her physically attractive and so resigned herself to 18+ years of living in an open marriage where her DH admits he does not find her attractive nor will he ever want a monogamous relationship with her and she’s ok with this as she believes it’s the best she can do - how is that not sad?

There are multiple posters who are bi and manage to be in monogamous relationships and are in very happy relationships with men who are good dads.

To be honest the certainty with which you make this claim raises far more questions than it answers.

And if he claimed to be a woman, would that also be “his call not yours”.

At some point we will all have to learn again that words have meanings for a reason.

You're going back to 'what they did in the bedroom'.

Being gay or lesbian or bi is not about sexual activity in the bedroom.
It's their DNA- who they are, how they think, how they live their lives. It goes far far deeper than who puts what where (pun intended.)

The point is that the poster and her H are living a lie.
They are lying to their children.

They are also planning to divorce when the youngest is 18.

I suggest they start saving for therapy for their kids.

It's the pretence, pretending to be one thing while doing another.

I think it sounds like OP did not have any other options apart from this man - living with him, being very close, coming to UK with him, having children. It would not happen if she had other options, also, I would think it would not happen if both parties were equally attractive/ desirable to potential partners. As her partner seem to set the scene, I would imagine he is the main driver in this, not her.

There is probably issues with insecurity, self worth and trust issues OP has... in any case, its a very unusual set up, and all we know is what OP is telling us - and she could be a totally unreliable narrator, for all we know. But even with her rose-tinted specs, it sounds very questionable:

• they both lie to their children and to everyone they know, pretending they are a straight "normal" couple - I would imagine moving countries was one of the reasons for that. I cant understand why its necessary unless their past history warrants that somehow
• they dont have sex in a normal sense of the way, it sounds like its purely mechanical and soulless - I have no idea why anyone would want to engage in it - but I suspect their sex consists of OP's partner making her pleasure him and then he "pays back"
• OP says they both had partners outside of marriage - however, with 4 kids its highly unlikely for both of them, so again, I would think the man goes to do whatever he wants, and OP waits for him at home and looks after children
• The partner says he will leave after kids are grown - like, the fuck? So OP will be discarded like a used utensil, having lived a life with no affection and no proper sex?

None of this sounds good, all sounds desperately sad and paints a picture of a highly sexed, attractive male using a meek, insecure woman for his own gains... And her trying to make it sounds like its all lovely and nice.

Not a question but if I found out my parents were gay it would be a bit of a 'no way!' kinda moment but it wouldn't affect my worldview or mess me up in anyway. For all I know they are avid swingers or enjoy orgies every weekend. If anything I'd probably be pleased they are less boring than I previously thought!!

He can't claim to be a woman because biologically he is a man.