I am child-free by choice. AMA.

[DogWater]

I'm a 40 year old woman, and child-free by choice.

AMA.

They certainly do! I'm comforted by the fact that at least I should hopefully be able to pay for everything I need, rather than having to rely on a potentially stressed out adult child. I appreciate that it means I am relying on somebody else's adult child to provide that support, but at least it will be their dedicated job and they will be being paid for it, rather than having to juggle it alongside another job and other commitments.

Apologies - double post!

Hi op, another childfree-by-choice poster here. Like you, I never had to make the decision to be childfree, it was simply what I always wanted, like how I never had to decide not to follow various career paths, simply because I didn’t want to. Nothing more complicated or angsty than that. No agonising decisions, no pros and cons lists, no what-ifs.

I sought out sterilisation in my 30s, as I was fed up of hormonal contraception. No surgeon would do it until I was 40, I was met with the usual ‘you’ll change your mind/you’re too young to decide that’ nonsense. Having it finally done was such a relief!

Anyway, I don’t really have a question, just wanted to say hi and let you know there’s a mumsnetters without children forum here if you wanted to find more likeminded souls.

Hello! Pleased you managed to get sterilised finally 🙌

You’re with a man who is 40 years old and says he’s “meh” about children.

That would be concerning to me given you know you don’t want to ever have children.

My father had me, his first born, at 47. Having always been “meh

Do you feel no sense of wanting to carry on your family tree? Do it will end with you.

This is so interesting, thanks OP!

Although I always thought I'd have children and looked forward to being a mum, when it came to it, the actual decision to ttc felt far more fuelled by biology than rational thought 😅.

Did you experience feeling broody but rationalise that it didn't fit with what you wanted from life? Or did you just never get the urge to reproduce?

I hope this doesn't sound patronising but well done for not bowing to societal pressures/expectations. There are far too many unhappy mothers and children out there because women have felt pressured into a role they didn't want.

Not at all.

I don't feel I owe anything to anyone - I certainly don't owe past or future generations (i.e people who don't actually exist) a child for the sake of carrying anything on.

<Takes a bow>

Not patronising at all, anything goes in AMA!

I've never felt broody at all.

The closer I've got to a situation where children would be OK for aome people (financially secure, own a lovely house, good job, fit and healthy etc.), the more unappealing having a baby has become.

Do you genuinely think your meh dad is glad you exist? I'm sure it happens but more often the other way.

@Laxoverhols

maybe cos his wife, your mother, wanted a kid he acquiesced? Cos let’s face it, at 47 if he had been desperate to be a dad he would have made it happen before then. If your mother had been happy to not have a kid he would have likely to continued to be meh and happily childfree for the rest of his days

Bit uncalled for. Lots of people are on the fence before having kids but are glad they did once they do.

Exactly

my dad…. I don’t think my siblings and I could have even hoped for better. My absolute benchmark for what is a good man. Love the bones of him

She sounds very unimaginative. I could imagine it. I'd be a lot richer and have many fewer grey hairs! 😂

Lots of people are filled with regret. The poster I refer to was trying to make the op feel insecure about her relationship. My observation is that men are usually dragged into parenthood and sometimes regret it.

And making a whole person exist to just see how it goes is pretty cunty either way

I didn’t read that as trying to make her feel insecure. Just that there’s a difference between ‘absolutely no way never’ and ‘meh’ so questioning whether they’re fully on the same page on not having kids. OP has already said she’d be prepared to end her relationship if he did change his mind so the comment wasn’t totally left-field either, it’s something OP accepts and is aware is in the realms of possibility, even if knowing her partner she’s feels this is very unlikely.

Yes some people do regret having kids, even those that really wanted them. But neither of us know @Laxoverhols dad so suggesting he is one of these people is unkind and unreasonable. And regretting being a parent isn’t necessarily the same as regretting your child anyway.

No one knows how it will feel to be a parent. You could think through everything you need to know in advance but becoming a parent is one of those things that you can’t truly understand until you actually do it. It can go the other way too with formerly childfree people becoming parents too and changing their opinion on it.

Men being ‘usually’ dragged into parenthood is not my experience at all. Some men are, some women are but not ‘usually’ ime. And in the UK people do have choice.

Your “observation”

So I’m guessing you’re not close to your father? You don’t have children or if you do… the father is a shit show? Any brothers or male friends or colleagues you have etc who have children all seem to resent it?

Kind message, thank you.

However… a bizarre poster commenting on my beloved father is like water off a duck’s back. I was on @Fragmentedbrain ’s recent Narcissist thread…. Seems very vulnerable - so I don’t think to be taken too seriously

Agreed!

This “friend” sounds like a bit of a tool. “Gosh OP I just can’t open my mind to imagine a life without children. What do you…. Do??”

Another child-free by choice.
I’ve never understood the “who will look after you in old age” argument. I’d be mortified if I had children and they had to alter their lives to look after me as I got older. I wouldn’t want them to feel that sort of pressure, nor would I want to be a burden to them.

I think the’not having’ is a very serious and life changing decision in the case of children , for some women at least. For all of us there are many activities we are not particularly drawn to but this isn’t just an activity.

@Laxoverhols ah haven’t seen any other posts 😬 No worries, just fed up of people online acting as if there’s not an actual person on the other side!

I have 1 child and I don't understand the "at least you'll have someone to take care of you in later life" mindset either. I have told my (adult), DD that, under no circumstances, do I expect her to give up her home, job or life to move back (she lives 3 hours away), to take care of me (unless it is want she wants). If/when I can no longer look after myself then I'm to be placed in a home and she is to continue leading the lovely life she has made for herself.

As I say… water off a duck’s back! especially with vulnerable posters going through what this one is going through