I am child-free by choice. AMA.

[DogWater]

I'm a 40 year old woman, and child-free by choice.

AMA.

Now my mum's in really bad health so I think she's probably quite relieved that there are no perceived grandparent expectations and that I'm flexible to visit and/or help her where I can.

I imagine she might have a latent concern about what will happen if you’re in her shoes in old age

Genuinely asking as a fellow child free by choice woman… as we hear this argument a lot:

Do you feel she should have a child that neither she or her husband wants in order to ensure there is someone? Would that really be fair on any child?

Having children does not guarantee they will help out or visit when you are old.

Apologies that was supposed to quote this post ^

No, would be bloody awful for the child in question

I actually agree that there are no guarantees and it’s certainly not why I had kids.

But as the adult child of ageing parents / PILs I’m not sure who does this if your children don’t? And the OP has no nephews or nieces either, there’s no one coming up after her. And I’m not talking about wiping bums or moving in with them or anything drastic like that, I’m just talking about being aware, being an advocate, just someone giving even the tiniest shit about what’s happening to you when you can no longer advocate for yourself?

My aunt and uncle have two children, both of whom have emigrated to Oz. My uncle is severely disabled, my aunt is in poor health. As a result, my 79 year old parents are the ones currently trying to provide support and care after ops and contacting social services on their behalf to try and get respite care organised. There’s no one else to do it for them.

it’s a genuine question, and one that is facing an increasing number of people.

Well I'm,m childless not by choice so will have the same concern. I'll cope somehow!

Yes social services would have to step in if it came to that…. But not everyone is guaranteed to reach this point either, many are quite capable of advocating for themselves in old age.

Also, coming from an ex community nurse, this situation is more common than you probably think. We were often the ones advocating for patients in that situation, if they didn’t have family (or just didn’t have family who were willing!) It is quite sad, and especially having been in that job, I do consider that this could be my future. However it’s still not enough to make me have a child I don’t want for many other reasons. Will just have to find a way to cope when it comes to it!

Ah, this old bit of nonsense....
Having children doesn't guarantee you a built in carer or visitors. Either the kids don't want to, or live too far away.
Or the parent - quite rightly - refuses to let adults give up their own lives to look after an elderly relative!

Surely it's far easier to not have them? To not have children you have to actually do anything!

Really? Do you have much imagination? Children aren't an insurance policy for the future.

don't have to do anything!

I can’t answer for the OP but wanted to chime in with my perspective as another childfree person. I have no siblings, I’m not particularly close to my parents, growing up I saw one set of grandparents once a year and the other not at all as they were estranged from my parent. I have a couple of aunts/uncles and cousins I’m not in touch with (no estrangement or falling out, we just don’t have a relationship as we never spent a lot of time together).

So for me being childfree has nothing to do with having a big family or ready-made connections. I simply don’t want kids (babies, teenagers or adults). I don’t think biological family is any guarantee of a close relationship and I think networks and connections can be intentionally built with friends - certainly for me my friends and partner are far closer and more important to me than anyone I share DNA with.

It’s definitely worth thinking about but although I don’t have children, I do have family and friends and if I find myself with no one, then I’ll pay a carer. The fear of being alone in old age is still not a good enough reason to have children and at least I can say I’ve lived a life I’m happy with rather than out of fear of being alone and dying alone.

Exactly.

On our street, our elderly neighbours (80+) are being looked out for and supported by their slightly younger, retired neighbours (65+). They all have children, but it's the usual story - one has a son in Canada, one has a daughter 3 hours away and a son 4 hours away in the UK, one has a son 3 hours away in the UK, one has a child 20 minutes away but who has never learned to drive. None of the kids are providing support.

Fear of old age alone is very real for me (I am childless by circumstance and also have no nieces or nephews). There are good care options you can save for though - in particular, Continuous Care Communities. You can move in whilst you can live independently still and then transition through different levels of care on the same site (if / when required). You have regular assessments of your needs, and support with all the things that make elderly life easier - meals, laundry, medication management etc.

I imagine (or hope) that living somewhere like that could make for a comfortable and supported old age. Day to day, it could even be a nicer life than for those with children who perhaps live too far away to visit regularly.

I wouldn't automatically choose parents/mothers to rescue from a burning building, no. I'd always save people I care about over strangers, animals over most people, women over men. But whether people are parents wouldn't factor into it.

I don't place higher value on parents/mothers than any other group.

No idea.

Friends. Neighbours. People I employ to do so. Perhaps no-one.

For me, it's not worth ruining 20 of my prime life years so I'll have a slightly increased chance that someone will be guaranteed to visit me in older age.

Exactly.

I was looking at buying my mum a flat in one of those posh retirement communities.

They look absolutely incredible. I want one now

Me and DP fully plan to buy one/move in while we're still capable of living independently to enjoy all the facilities, and then stay there as we become more frail and need support.

I don't think my having children was a choice, more of a biological imperative.
My stress was off the scale juggling work and school runs and childcare in the holidays.
I love my children dearly, they're all adults and live in their own homes. None have children and I don't think they will have any.
Me and my DH are the only ones in our big families(6 and 4 siblings respectively) who are not grandparents. I find it very painful but there's no way that I'd encourage my DC to have children (I've not asked or promoted this question)
Life is easier with a dog (or cat)
The ama is would you consider a dog or cat?

If you’re serious about not having children and you are not celibate, yes you do have to do something. Find a partner who is on the same page and be religious about contraception.

Plenty of children are born because their parents couldn’t be arsed with, or were lackadaisical about, contraception, or because one partner in a couple wants children and the other doesn’t.

I'm sorry that not being grandparents is painful for you, that must be difficult. But it's wonderful that you wouldn't put pressure on your children to have DCs because of it. Thank you!

In answer to your question - yes, I definitely would get a dog at some point. I've had rescue dogs at various points for the last 15-ish years. I love dogs but they're very constraining which kind of defeats one of the benefits of being child free 🤣 At the moment, we're travelling a lot so having a dog just wouldn't work for us right now.

We tend to adopt older dogs who get overlooked by other people. It's win-win: We get a docile dog just for a few years and the dog gets to live out their days in the lap of luxury in a loving home.

And of course travelling a lot is another of the benefits of being child free!