Page 39 | My boys go to a prestigious boarding school. Ask me anything !

tummyduck · 2025-08-07T12:25:07+00:00

Ask me anything about my boys who board at an all boys’ school ! Any disrespectful questions will be ignored

BunnyLake · 08/08/2025 08:47

BlackStrayCat · 07/08/2025 18:00

I would never write proudly on a public parenting forum (let alone practice in real life) a "hands off" attitude to my DCs education.

If the kids of any school are doing well then parents should, in my opinion, have a more hands off approach when it comes to interacting with teachers. Too many parents micromanage that aspect now, whereas when I was at school my parents didn’t know the names of my teachers or the head, no one's parents did. Parent’s evening was the only interaction. I would have hated my parents being involved in my school. They did check I did homework etc but school was my domain not theirs. Obviously if there are issues that is different but if not, just leave them be (state or private).

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 08:47

Trixibell1234 · 08/08/2025 07:35

I don’t know if OP will be back but I would also like to ask:

Has anyone ever asked if this is what YOU want? Kids in boarding school and following your husband around the world. Do you change your location abroad often?

I think an AMA about being in the military would be interesting. I’ve heard one side from my husband’s family (his uncle was a base commander), would be good to hear the other.

I think it is a good question - it is where our life has taken us. I don’t know if it is necessarily what I want- I think staying in one place and kids go to a great school for free sounds absolutely fantastic. But it is not what my husband’s role is and he has important job to do , and this is where our life took us.
i think firstly about the children and giving them the stability in a boarding environment where they are happy.

OP posts:

Gloriia · 08/08/2025 08:50

'think staying in one place and kids go to a great school for free sounds absolutely fantastic'

Well there is hope then. When your dh's unusual permanent post overseas ends then maybe aim to be full time parents? Your youngest will at least benefit.

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 08:50

BunnyLake · 08/08/2025 08:47

If the kids of any school are doing well then parents should, in my opinion, have a more hands off approach when it comes to interacting with teachers. Too many parents micromanage that aspect now, whereas when I was at school my parents didn’t know the names of my teachers or the head, no one's parents did. Parent’s evening was the only interaction. I would have hated my parents being involved in my school. They did check I did homework etc but school was my domain not theirs. Obviously if there are issues that is different but if not, just leave them be (state or private).

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I have huge amount of respect for the profession, and I think the teachers there do a great job. Kids seem to be doing well in their grades so far so I don’t need to get involved.
in the secondary school I have never met any of the subject teachers other than on parents evening. I don’t need to. If there was a problem I would

OP posts:

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 08:51

Gloriia · 08/08/2025 08:50

'think staying in one place and kids go to a great school for free sounds absolutely fantastic'

Well there is hope then. When your dh's unusual permanent post overseas ends then maybe aim to be full time parents? Your youngest will at least benefit.

Note to self

OP posts:

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 08:53

autienotnaughty · 08/08/2025 08:43

Do your children rub shoulders with any famous offspring?

No - no celebs . Having celebrity kids in your school is not good for the year dynamic and is a disrupter in my view . I am thankful for that

OP posts:

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 08:56

Loopylou7219 · 08/08/2025 07:55

Genuinely curious as to how/when you think this "teaching" will happen? The most amount of teaching we do with our children is through what they see us modelling to others and ourselves, implicit messaging through our actions and nvc, far more so than anything we say explicitly. Your boys are going to be picking the majority of that up from an institution, not a secure family base

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Yes the school teach it and we do too. I am an unjudgemental and caring person and so is my husband - so there is also is also that apples and trees situation too.

OP posts:

Gloriia · 08/08/2025 08:59

Have you ever thought abut a career? You could be a role model for your dc.

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 09:00

Gloriia · 08/08/2025 08:13

It's the cosplaying at being wealthy and privileged that jars. They are a military family! They aren't privileged. Yes of course lovely use the subsidy to pay fees but don't wang on about the lifestyle as if it's been personally achieved.

She's a military wife, a sahp trailing after her dh. 2 kids in one country being brought up by teachers one dc at home who may or may not have a family life in the future, that is undecided.

It's all a very cringeworthy brag with nothing to actually brag about.

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I am not wealthy compared to some but in some ways we are privileged compared to others . Not just in education but in our relationships and I genuinely feel privileged to live as a woman at this time in a stable economic country. I have much experience of developing world countries and I feel extraordinarily privileged

OP posts:

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 08/08/2025 09:01

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 00:59

Steady on old bean - they are mere teenagers. Did you pin your political colours to the mast at that age. They are more to the left than I am that I know

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My children did. Many do. Your oldest child is now old enough to vote.

I’m find this whole ‘humility’ thing hard to take on board when you use patronising names to address posters.

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 09:02

Gloriia · 08/08/2025 08:59

Have you ever thought abut a career? You could be a role model for your dc.

I do have a career, but are stay at home mums not role models too? I would love to think I bring up my boys to respect the roles women do - in the home or out of it.

OP posts:

commuting · 08/08/2025 09:02

"OP still refusing to properly engage with the question of why she chose to be absent from her children vs her husband."

Maybe it is just not financially feasible for them, we do it and my husband is a high earner, and it is crippling us. He is basically covering two households in two expensive cities on one salary, a lot more travel expenses than we would have if we were all living in the same country. He travels to us one week a month and we travel to him during school holidays.

There is a huge downside to uprooting your kids and their education every two or three years. Our oldest child really struggled with it, she gave up on trying to make friends, as she questioned why bother, either we will be moving or they will. She asked to go to boarding school, in the end she decided against it and we chose the option of commuting, but our finances would be a lot healthier if they had both decided to go. You really have to decide what is the lesser of two evils for each kid. We would have supported either of them to go to boarding school. Quitting a career to keep the family together for 6 or 7 years is not an option for most people.

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 09:04

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 08/08/2025 09:01

My children did. Many do. Your oldest child is now old enough to vote.

I’m find this whole ‘humility’ thing hard to take on board when you use patronising names to address posters.

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Maybe I need to work on my humility. I went to state school. They should have taught me more about humility ?

OP posts:

Asunciondeflata · 08/08/2025 09:10

Morning, @tummyduck . What were you hoping to get out of this AMA?. That's a genuine question, not having a pop. Was it to inform parents of potential boarders? Was it the "prestigious" nature of the school?
You've made your decision, it can't have been easy, so I hope it works out for your family.

Gloriia · 08/08/2025 09:10

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 09:02

I do have a career, but are stay at home mums not role models too? I would love to think I bring up my boys to respect the roles women do - in the home or out of it.

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You're a volunteer? I think stay at home parents are great when they are looking after kids full time yours are in a different country though.

Honestly, it is fine to be a military family using taxpayers money to subsidise but you have a bit of a delusion of grandeur about it all.

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 09:11

commuting · 08/08/2025 09:02

"OP still refusing to properly engage with the question of why she chose to be absent from her children vs her husband."

Maybe it is just not financially feasible for them, we do it and my husband is a high earner, and it is crippling us. He is basically covering two households in two expensive cities on one salary, a lot more travel expenses than we would have if we were all living in the same country. He travels to us one week a month and we travel to him during school holidays.

There is a huge downside to uprooting your kids and their education every two or three years. Our oldest child really struggled with it, she gave up on trying to make friends, as she questioned why bother, either we will be moving or they will. She asked to go to boarding school, in the end she decided against it and we chose the option of commuting, but our finances would be a lot healthier if they had both decided to go. You really have to decide what is the lesser of two evils for each kid. We would have supported either of them to go to boarding school. Quitting a career to keep the family together for 6 or 7 years is not an option for most people.

Yes we have had many friends in that situation too. It isn’t easy

OP posts:

whatisthegoddamnholdup · 08/08/2025 09:13

LoveItaly · 07/08/2025 18:05

I can’t believe all the replies on here with holier than thou people accusing the OP of putting her husband before her children, whether true or not.

The relationships board and AIBU is stuffed with women who move from relationship to relationship, dragging their poor children along with them and subjecting them to dysfunctional ‘blended families’ and uncaring step-fathers, as they ‘deserve’ to be happy. I expect more than a few people on this thread are silently seething with envy at the academic and social advantage the OP’s children may have.

This!

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 09:14

Gloriia · 08/08/2025 09:10

You're a volunteer? I think stay at home parents are great when they are looking after kids full time yours are in a different country though.

Honestly, it is fine to be a military family using taxpayers money to subsidise but you have a bit of a delusion of grandeur about it all.

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No my youngest is with us full time and I have a career . Currently I do not get paid in a humanitarian role that is true. I would not dream of charging for my skills. My husband serves his country. I think in terms of role models are kids do just fine

OP posts:

Gloriia · 08/08/2025 09:17

Asunciondeflata · 08/08/2025 09:10

Morning, @tummyduck . What were you hoping to get out of this AMA?. That's a genuine question, not having a pop. Was it to inform parents of potential boarders? Was it the "prestigious" nature of the school?
You've made your decision, it can't have been easy, so I hope it works out for your family.

I think an ego boost. She knows its an odd set up as most kids in prestigious boarding schools have the posh lifestyle and background to match not military family lifestyles. I wonder if the op's feeling it and thought everyone would bolster her a bit.

Sadthymes · 08/08/2025 09:17

ZippyTheZebra · 08/08/2025 07:15

How often do you talk to your DDs about the pitfalls of making sweeping assumptions or stereotypes about people who are different to you? Your assertion that everyone who is at a boys school is unaware and everyone who is unaware is misogynistic makes me think not.

Knowing the odd boy from an all boys school is not going to make up for the work your DDs need to do to combat the laziness that comes with stereotyping any group of people just because it suits whatever the latest narrative at the moment. Have they not noticed this? Boys at a boys school are as individual and different as kids at any school. Just as I’m sure your DDs would not want to be lumped together with whoever the most troublesome group of girls are at your state school.

Have they not noticed how shallow it is to tar all boys as being misogynistic just because they had the odd workshop on consent and Andrew Tate? Do you even have any DSs? Have you and your husband not sat down and discussed this with them at all? It’s just a bit too easy to put down a group of people who are different to you or who made different choices. Do you not want to raise open minded DDs who see people as individuals and are able to think for themselves, get to know people and look for the good in them? Do you not want them to be independently minded women?

If not that’s fine, I can’t imagine any of the boys at the boys school want much to do with them anyway with attitudes like that. Maybe that’s whats behind their views, who am I to say. Many of them will go on to become lovely and successful men, husbands and fathers. Just as they would from any school. At least they know not to bother wasting their time on girls who can’t get over a difference in what school they went to, and will focus on building a happy life with those who can.

I have DDs and DSs who have been at a combination of mixed and ss schools. I am JUST as concerned in general about the narrow attitudes of girls towards the world as boys.

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Thanks for the response.

The thing is men do not have a 1 in 4 chance of being raped by women. They will also be earning more like for like and generally do not have to change their behavour to keep themselves safe from women etc etc.

You can try and reverse but ultimately it is not stereotyping to suggest that boys attending all boys schools will be less aware of life through a female lens. It is also not stereotyping to suggest that men are a real threat to women.

Incidentally we do talk a lot about the negative expectations put upon men but generally this is because other men push the alpha male type. Women are generally not a danger to men but ultimately the OP was talking about an all boys boarding school and I was responding to that.

I was asking the OP if she talks about these things bearing in mind they will have a lot less exposure and she hasn’t been able to say she or her husband have.

I would be happy to talk about stereotyping on a relevant thread

Original poster

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 09:18

whatisthegoddamnholdup · 08/08/2025 09:13

This!

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One of the biggest indicators for a child’s happiness is having two parents that love eachother in a stable relationship. Fortunately our children have that and we have chosen to put their stability over our desire to drag them around with us to countries they don’t want to go to and schools they dont want to attend

OP posts:

Gloriia · 08/08/2025 09:18

' I have a career'

Volunteering is admirable, I've done it myself in dry periods but it is not by any stretch a career

Hoppinggreen · 08/08/2025 09:19

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 09:14

No my youngest is with us full time and I have a career . Currently I do not get paid in a humanitarian role that is true. I would not dream of charging for my skills. My husband serves his country. I think in terms of role models are kids do just fine

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I think better role models might be parents who want all their kids to actually live with them

Simonjt · 08/08/2025 09:20

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 09:18

One of the biggest indicators for a child’s happiness is having two parents that love eachother in a stable relationship. Fortunately our children have that and we have chosen to put their stability over our desire to drag them around with us to countries they don’t want to go to and schools they dont want to attend

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The biggest indicator for happiness is children living with both of their parents in the same home, only one of your children lives with their parents.

Gloriia · 08/08/2025 09:21

tummyduck · 08/08/2025 09:18

One of the biggest indicators for a child’s happiness is having two parents that love eachother in a stable relationship. Fortunately our children have that and we have chosen to put their stability over our desire to drag them around with us to countries they don’t want to go to and schools they dont want to attend

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Why didn't you stay at home on a miitlaty base to offer stability and parenting more than odd weekends and summer hols? Your dh could then pop home occasionally?