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AMA

My boys go to a prestigious boarding school. Ask me anything !

1000 replies

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 13:25

Ask me anything about my boys who board at an all boys’ school ! Any disrespectful questions will be ignored

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tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:00

@GwendolineFairfax8 about 45% subsidy. Yes would choose the school for full fees

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voucherwowcher · 07/08/2025 23:00

The negativity on this thread is strange. Some people can’t seem to accept that everyone lives differently and makes different life choices. Why does childcare, mothering and school views always bring such vitriol

peanutbuttertoasty · 07/08/2025 23:01

Hope you’ve kept enough aside for some ‘prestigious’ therapists, which your poor children will surely need.

Other than paying for things, in what way are you being a parent to them?

Absolutely everyone I know who went to boarding school (which is a lot) is emotionally stunted with very low self esteem and strained relationships with their parents. Confident and charming on the surface (particularly Eton I must say) but underneath that, yikes! Institutionalised behaviours are no substitute for safe and loving parents.

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:04

CheeriosOrFrosties · 07/08/2025 22:59

I’m fascinated by this.

So, you have 2 sons who board in the UK and a 7 year old who is at school abroad, in whichever country you live in when you are not in the UK. Does she do the whole school year there, or is it split with schooling in the UK?

You cite your sons being close to their friends as one of the reasons for keeping them at school in the UK, but your 7yo seems to be moved around often between the UK and the other country. When does she get to spend time with her friends, especially if you are popping over to the UK every other weekend for a match, and you said she travels with you?

I had to laugh at you saying that your sons are being taught the importance of their role in looking after the planet (I paraphrase) when you are nipping on a plane every other weekend. You say that it’s not just up to school to bring up your children, but at least they are hopefully setting a better environmental example.

It sounds pretty unsettling for all of your children, albeit in different ways, and I think you are trying to convince yourself that it’s in their best interests. I don’t agree.

it is disruptive for her but she loves her little school here and aged 7 she has embraced it all. She loves visiting her brothers though.

I perhaps should be much more reflective about the environmental impact. Beating a military family over the head about the miles om RyanAir they clock up is a little silly when billionaires are clogging up our seas and skies with their superyachts and lear jets

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jumpintheline · 07/08/2025 23:05

Waitingfordoggo · 07/08/2025 14:20

Do you worry about drugs? Everyone I know who went to boarding school (including prestigious ones) took a lot of drugs while they were there. One never recovered and still lives with his parents aged 40, unable to work. 😔

Very much the case for an old friend who went to Marlborough - where the Middletons went. Prolific drug use.

Reading this thread just makes me think - over my dead body, would I allow my children to live in an institution over living at home with us. Just the thought of it is appalling. I can’t believe people really do this.

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:06

peanutbuttertoasty · 07/08/2025 23:01

Hope you’ve kept enough aside for some ‘prestigious’ therapists, which your poor children will surely need.

Other than paying for things, in what way are you being a parent to them?

Absolutely everyone I know who went to boarding school (which is a lot) is emotionally stunted with very low self esteem and strained relationships with their parents. Confident and charming on the surface (particularly Eton I must say) but underneath that, yikes! Institutionalised behaviours are no substitute for safe and loving parents.

so you are saying i am not a safe and loving parent.
I know a lot of people that went to boarding school who are happy people with great family bonds.

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tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:07

@jumpintheline some boarding schools are known for drug use. Not all

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Blueflowerpower · 07/08/2025 23:08

Anon501178 · 07/08/2025 21:10

I find it really sad when people choose jobs, money 'education' and each other over emotional happiness and welfare.

How someone cannot realise being in another country half the time to their child (because they weren't even teens when they first went) is neglectful I don't know....seems like OP has been brainwashed by the DH and/or is in denial about the inappropriateness situation.

Although sadly, I'm sure there are many more upper class parents doing similar and in some circles it's normalised.

Edited

I think there's a huge degree of cognitive dissonance at play here with the OP. The reality is what she's doing is neglectful and deep down she must know this, but she's told herself what she needs to to get on with it. I know lots of people who went to boarding school and are extremely emotionally stunted because of it - many of whom perpetuate the issue by sending their own children away too. It's almost as though because they weren't parented and shown true warmth, love and affection themselves, they don't know how to provide that for their children and it's easier to send them away and tell themselves that they are doing the right thing for their children.

Also, of the dozen or so boarders that I know well, most of them in laws, the men are always far more stunted than the women. The women have perfect social skills, but lack genuine warmth. While the men, who are mostly very successful in terms of their careers, often have the emotional control and temperaments of an eight year old in their family lives. It's seems to coincide with the age that most of them were sent away to board.

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:09

peanutbuttertoasty · 07/08/2025 23:01

Hope you’ve kept enough aside for some ‘prestigious’ therapists, which your poor children will surely need.

Other than paying for things, in what way are you being a parent to them?

Absolutely everyone I know who went to boarding school (which is a lot) is emotionally stunted with very low self esteem and strained relationships with their parents. Confident and charming on the surface (particularly Eton I must say) but underneath that, yikes! Institutionalised behaviours are no substitute for safe and loving parents.

They might be hinting at something maybe if they don't engage with you in a satisfactory way? are they looking for the door?

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RedRock41 · 07/08/2025 23:10

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 22:06

less drug problems in boarding schools than state schools proportionally. They have education specifically about drugs

York and Arizona State Universities may disagree:

‘Public school pupils take more drugs and start drinking at a younger age than those at state schools, study claims:

Researchers found that private pupils take more drugs than those in state schools and that pupils showed no more signs of maturity aged 21 than non-fee schools.

The study claimed that fee-paying pupils were also younger when they first tried alcohol.

The Researchers from York University said that while fees were often ‘exorbitant… we found, for the first time, that private and state school students do not differ in their wellbeing across adolescence’.

The study added: ‘There is a growing body of evidence questioning the benefits of private over state education for children’s outcomes.’

Around 7 per cent of secondary school pupils are privately educated. Average day attendance fees are around £18,000 a year and for students who board this can rise to £35,000 a year.

Studies show they achieve better average grades than pupils from state schools, are more likely to attend prestigious universities such as Oxford or Cambridge and earn more when they start working.

The York team, led by psychologist Professor Sophie von Stumm from the university’s department of education, tracked 2,400 pupils from state schools and 269 from private schools through to the age of 21. They questioned each one on drink and drug use, their sex lives and criminal behaviour.

The results, published in the British Journal of Psychology, showed those from fee-paying schools were younger when they first tried alcohol, engaged more often in binge drinking and were more likely to try cannabis or other illicit drugs. They also tended to have more sexual partners.

Professor von Stumm said: ‘Our findings are particularly relevant for parents considering private education for their children. They may assume it will add value to children’s development and that this justifies the investment in exorbitant school fees but our results suggest it adds little positive value to children’s social or emotional development and may even have a negative influence on it.

‘Compared to state school students, private pupils were more likely to take risks and started drinking alcohol at a younger age.’

A previous study showed those who go to the best private schools are more likely to end up with drug and alcohol addictions in later life.

Girls from top schools were found to be three times more likely to suffer from drug and alcohol-related problems than their less privileged peers, researchers found.

Boys from the same well-off backgrounds were twice as likely as other male students to become addicted to drink or substances in early adulthood.

The 2017 study by researchers at Arizona State University in the US assessed participants when they were at high school, then again annually across four college years, and from the age of 23 to 27 and results were published in the journal of Development and Psychopathology.’

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:11

@Blueflowerpower Interesting take. I am really convinced it is the right thing for them though

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tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:14

@RedRock41 there is a difference between private daybschools and boarding schools though. I do not doubt private day schools have more drugs than some state schools. boarding is different though. There is less general access to drugs in an institution

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 07/08/2025 23:15

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 22:06

less drug problems in boarding schools than state schools proportionally. They have education specifically about drugs

With respect I think you're deluded about that, lots more money = lots more drugs,there are shed loads os drugs in private schools . There is a LOT of education in state schools about drugs.

SnowFrogJelly · 07/08/2025 23:16

Why did you have children then send them away to boarding school which is well known for causing MH issues

peanutbuttertoasty · 07/08/2025 23:18

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:06

so you are saying i am not a safe and loving parent.
I know a lot of people that went to boarding school who are happy people with great family bonds.

I don’t believe anyone who checks their child into an institution and delegates their parenting role to paid strangers can be a safe and loving parent, no.

Your children will have nothing else to compare their childhoods to, of course, but they will make your preference for sending them away instead of nurturing them yourself mean something deep and significant. How could they not? They’ll have years at school to try and make sense of it and rationalise your actions much in the way you have, but sending them away to be raised by strangers will have created a primal emotional wound. If they never show you any unhappiness don’t be surprised. It doesn’t mean it’s not there. It means you are not their safe person.

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:18

MissMoneyFairy · 07/08/2025 14:15

Do you have family back in the UK who they see, does anyone here attend special days with them at their school. How long are they overseas for, will the 16 yo be going to a UK university.

yes grandparents live v close to school. yes UK university for them

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SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2025 23:19

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 14:00

Yes. Hugely. When they first went it was a big adjustment and I felt an emotion of loss. It is awful, but you grow used to it

But why would you want to? You've basically chosen being with your husband over being with your kids, which I just can't understand at that age. Ok the "half a year abroad" job pays for the nice school and your homes in two countries etc. but did you not consider getting a job where you could be with your kids full-time and just live a slightly less prestigious life?

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:19

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/08/2025 14:16

Will your daughter board when she is 11+

did your husband's sisters, if he has any, board ?

I don't think so I am not sure she would want to board

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tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:20

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/08/2025 14:16

What would you do if they needed to go to a day school for their own mental or indeed physical health? Have you got a plan B?

no plan B but there will be one if needed

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tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:22

Newbutoldfather · 07/08/2025 14:16

Do you think that there are any downsides to your choice of sending them to board? If so, what do you think the downsides are?

Like everything they have their upsides and downsides. Personally I think that top boarding schools do a good job academically and sportingly and produce outwardly confident and resilient people.

OTOH, they are often quite emotionally stunted, as is natural when they have to guard their feelings most of the time. A barracks situation, even a top officers’ barracks, isn’t a normal situation to grow up in. And that’s effectively what a boarding school is.

yes I agree. I think my eldest has become self sufficient. He is 16 and not hugely communicative right now about emotions

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Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 07/08/2025 23:24

teamingwithcutthroattrout · 07/08/2025 14:02

why would you chose to spend your time with your husband over your children? Why did you not stay and raise your children and your husband work away? If it’s because you or your husband would miss each other how do you reconcile with your children missing out on both parents just for you to be together as husband and wife?

That’s what I was going to ask

my MIL traipsed all around the UK and Europe with DH and his DSIS in tow, disrupting their schooling and friendships leading to a whole new thread of issues for both - they were the unit and the kids the appendages…
Why the selfish woman didn’t just settle in a nice area close to extended family, let the kids grow up with stability and consistency and just see her DH when on leave /weekends etc is beyond me.…

tummyduck · 07/08/2025 23:25

HowToTrainYourDragonfruit · 07/08/2025 14:16

Did you ever consider leaving your husband over this, or trying to change the longstanding expectations? A culture of boarding school in his family is a hard thing to stand against. But your posts give me the impression you would rather not have sent them, and that you are perhaps a trailing spouse. Was it hard to weigh up you being with them, versus perhaps giving up presumably lots of support and money (for you and them) which would happen if you split up?

I ask because a man who expected me to live apart from my own children would be a wholly distasteful and unattractive man to me and I wonder how you square it.

Aside from if we were divorced- which isnt ideal either - but at least he would be with them any time I wasn't. Or maybe that was the problem - if you divorced him he might try and send them to board anyway and that would be worse?

hmmm.. interesting. It is funny how life morphs. when we met it was all about clubs and friends and weddings and having a good time. Then we were swept along having children ~ i dont think i teally thought about the future much . I do trust him though, he has great friends and a close relationship with his folks. He led the decision, I did need some handholding but it quickly became the norm in the school they were at and all our local friends. also in the military it is very very normal!

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MasterBeth · 07/08/2025 23:25

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 07/08/2025 22:58

I went to a leading public school from 16 to 18. It was a boys school that had started taking girls in the sixth form. I was a very wild girl and my mother and I couldn't say a civil word.

My parents took great trouble to find the right school. We visited six.

I hated it for the first few weeks. But then something clicked and I started to love it. The behaviour that shocked my prissy girls school was nothing special to staff who'd spent their working lives dealing with teenage boys.

I felt accepted and made lots of male (and female) friends. I spent a very happy two years there. It was a great fit. I did well academically and loved acting in the little real theatre built in the grounds.

I didn't feel abandoned at all. Instead it gave me the space I needed. I'm still grateful for the opportunity.

My two brothers were offered boarding at 11. One dived in and loved it but the other was uncomfortable so opted for weekly boarding, which worked out well.

My experience makes me feel that boarding can be a good option as long as the parents are led by the needs of their children.

Edited to add that the atmosphere in a boys school was very different from my previous school for young ladies. I got involved with the Debating Society, where my assertive speech gave me many victories. It gave me space essentially to expand.

Edited

What does a "leading" public school mean? In what sense? Leading what?

SpandauValet · 07/08/2025 23:26

@tummyduck have any of the remarks in this thread made you question if you’ve made the right choice for your sons, and prioritised the right things for their development and wellbeing?

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