My boys go to a prestigious boarding school. Ask me anything !

[tummyduck]

Ask me anything about my boys who board at an all boys’ school ! Any disrespectful questions will be ignored

What is the point of this thread?

You don't really mean 'ask me anything', do you? A better title for your post would be 'Ask me anything and I may answer'. Did you anticipate difficult questions? With a DH who boarded and you having attended an 'academic ... grammar school' (all grammar schools are, by definition), you must have realised you were opening the floodgates to a contentious topic.

For typo

Are you at ease with missing lots of those moments or does it feel in any way like a gamble on your children’s happiness and your future relationship with them?

Genuinely interested as I worked for a couple of years in a boarding school (when I moved countries and had to convert my teaching qualification before I could work again in the state sector) and I always wondered what the parents thought about sending their children there. I’m sure those views were varied. While I went in willing to have my preconceptions challenged it was, by and large, what I thought it would be - children being raised by people other than their parents with all the challenges (and sometimes heartache) that that brings. Even with really effective and caring staff, just the ratio of staff to students was too low to ensure much meaningful adult input for life outside the classroom and structured activities. And of course even where input did happen, it wasn’t from a parent or relative but a member of staff. Inevitably this meant that students came to lean very closely upon one another; there were positives to this, like close friendships, and of course children enjoy being with their friends, but their social learning became very self-referencing because proper and consistent parental input was absent. The risks of this sort of setup are self-evident. In my experience, the single sex setup was very limiting as normal relationships couldn’t be forged with those of the opposite sex and exacerbated many of the risks that other posters have highlighted- joint events etc could not make up for that lack of normal everyday contact.

The students were quite varied in their views - some seemed quite happy with the setup while quite a number were evidently unhappy. This unhappiness seemed more prevalent among the older students; to the younger ones, I got the impression that for many it seemed like a fun adventure (although some really struggled to adjust). It was very common for sixth form students to express discontentment - they’d reached an age I suppose where they could better reflect upon and articulate their feelings in the round. Lots expressed unhappiness with boarding as a way of life or with their parents for what they saw as sending them away. Lots questioned what would have driven their parents to make that choice.

From this experience and having lots of uni friends who boarded at public schools, I get the impression that generational boarding is a very common driver of a parent’s own choice to send their child to board. I think in life we often follow the norms of our cultures or families so it’s probably unsurprising. I do think that boarding school fundamentally changes what a family is and the relationship between parent and child - I’m not saying that I think that always has to be a net negative effect but I do think that the risks are high even where the more ‘big ticket’ issues like institutional abuse are now much better dealt with.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but is your humanitarian work paid employment and what sort of humanitarian work is it? Just curious how this fits in with wherever your husband is posted.

I went to state school. I am not insecure about it. my kids spend less time on their phones than the average teenager. At school and at home. I am glad about that.

no it is voluntary.

“the older one has an option of living with us when we are back but he doesn't want to...the younger one can't be a day boy.”

This says it all OP. They are children, they don’t choose where they live, you do as the parent. You chose to ship them away and live abroad. This is a decision you and your husband should own, not put on your children as though they make the calls.

@tummyduck I’m on the right thread. “It ain’t for everyone”. The ones who can’t cut it at boarding school, what sort of people do you think they are? Why do you think it isn’t for everyone?

We are walking paradoxes, it’s true. You work in a humanitarian field but have sent your children into an environment well-known as being emotionally destructive to many.

I don’t think children who struggle at boarding school are “sensitive” or “emotionally repressed”. I think you sound extraordinarily patronising and I suspect your sons will one day be spending an inordinate amount of money on therapy whilst you gaslight them with “but we paid for you to go to a prestigious boarding school!”

So you’ve dumped your kids to follow your husband and do pretend charity work.

@UnintentionalArcher I do agree with a lot of what you say and your post is very insightful, thank you. I think it depends a great deal on the child and the family, and I can only speak about it from my own view. Maybe I am feeling better as the kids are all with me and I,say this from a place of strength but the seem very balanced and happy children with great relationships with their friends and us

I categorically do not worry about my carbon footprint with my current commercial jet use. I hope that is clear.

I care about the environment, of course.

Which is it, OP?

my kids have a great deal of autonomy about their education though. Their opinion matters and forms part of the decision making

weird to derail this about the environment. I care about the environment. I am not concerned my carbon footprint is greater than anyone else who goes on a couple of long haul flights.. both can be true

@Mewling I was looking for an eloquent way to put it and you have beaten me to it

I mean, how on earth would you know. You barely see them 🤷🏼‍♀️

What a bizarre thread. I think the OP wants her feathers to be stroked. Laughable.

@Mewling but it isnt for everyone. Doesnt make it wrong or right. It is just different. I think a child can become emotionally repressed in a boarding school environment- that,is exactly what boarding school syndrome is about. i am agreeing with the findings of boarding school syndrome.!

oh yes , I love a good old debate. Some of these comments are hilarious. Also there are over 500 threads - I can't keep up

will you stroke me?

@tummyduck

Ask you anything. Curious as to what percentage the Military subsidises each child and would/could you keep them at the same school if you had to pay full fees.

@Loopylou7219 clearly Loopy. Clearly.

I went to a leading public school from 16 to 18. It was a boys school that had started taking girls in the sixth form. I was a very wild girl and my mother and I couldn't say a civil word.

My parents took great trouble to find the right school. We visited six.

I hated it for the first few weeks. But then something clicked and I started to love it. The behaviour that shocked my prissy girls school was nothing special to staff who'd spent their working lives dealing with teenage boys.

I felt accepted and made lots of male (and female) friends. I spent a very happy two years there. It was a great fit. I did well academically and loved acting in the little real theatre built in the grounds.

I didn't feel abandoned at all. Instead it gave me the space I needed. I'm still grateful for the opportunity.

My two brothers were offered boarding at 11. One dived in and loved it but the other was uncomfortable so opted for weekly boarding, which worked out well.

My experience makes me feel that boarding can be a good option as long as the parents are led by the needs of their children.

Edited to add that the atmosphere in a boys school was very different from my previous school for young ladies. I got involved with the Debating Society, where my assertive speech gave me many victories. It gave me space essentially to expand.

I know lots of parents of children who board and without exception the children periodically ask not to return to school and can’t they go to school locally. The parents without exception say no you are not going to day school

I’m fascinated by this.

So, you have 2 sons who board in the UK and a 7 year old who is at school abroad, in whichever country you live in when you are not in the UK. Does she do the whole school year there, or is it split with schooling in the UK?

You cite your sons being close to their friends as one of the reasons for keeping them at school in the UK, but your 7yo seems to be moved around often between the UK and the other country. When does she get to spend time with her friends, especially if you are popping over to the UK every other weekend for a match, and you said she travels with you?

I had to laugh at you saying that your sons are being taught the importance of their role in looking after the planet (I paraphrase) when you are nipping on a plane every other weekend. You say that it’s not just up to school to bring up your children, but at least they are hopefully setting a better environmental example.

It sounds pretty unsettling for all of your children, albeit in different ways, and I think you are trying to convince yourself that it’s in their best interests. I don’t agree.