I’ve suffered from anorexia for 35 years

[Jujujudo]

I’m a 50 year old mother of 2 boys and I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t either starving myself, purging, or obsessed with my weight and food. The only time I was ever anything like overweight was in my youth, but looking back at photos, I was barely even chubby. I’m now hovering around 7 and a half stone and I’m 5’1”. I never feel thin or happy with my weight, despite knowing rationally that I am thin.
I will leave the rest of it to your questions. I’m not sensitive about it, so ask anything!

What effect has your disorder had on your family? Your children were brought up by a mother with a severe mental health issue, that must have been difficult for them.

Has it aged you? I have 2 life long anorexic friends and they both look a lot older than they are.

Do you want to recover from it?

Absolutely. I am very self aware and I am in therapy. I have been open with them about it and I’m always careful to sit and eat with them at meal times. They know I have a problem and they know that it IS a problem which is just part of how life is in general. My older son is an athlete and so he’s hyper aware of nutrition and we often arrange his meals together. I can’t control much, I’m not self absorbed or irrational about it, I try to be communicative and realistic and I hope I haven’t projected my disorder onto them.

Are you obsessive or compulsive in other areas of your life?

Do you try to conceal it, and if so what steps do you take?

Do you analyse and judge other people eating habits and body composition?

Do you know what, if anything, triggered it?

Is it the control or the thinness you need most?
What was being pregnant like

I’m not particularly obsessive or compulsive. I’m aware that I have a problem and I’m aware that my personality affects my attitude to other things in life. But as I’ve got older I’ve been able to adapt and function so that it’s not obvious. I don’t look anorexic and I don’t draw attention to myself during meals both at home or socially. I’m not particularly judgemental about the way others look or eat either, although obviously my own obsession translates into an awareness of what others eat. I’m more envious of people when they’re eating, I want to feel that freedom of not caring, of just enjoying being able to eat without being upset by it.

Did you need help to have your boys? My friend's dear sister struggles with an eating disorder and she's been told she will struggle to conceive.

My brother was also anorexic, so I presume that it was something in our genetics and childhood. For him it was about control, our mother treated him as the golden child and was extremely dominating. Less so with me. I remember being told I had a pretty face, or I looked like my dad (who was obese), and I loved Ballet, and was constantly being told I was “too big” to be a ballerina. I suppose it was a combination of many things.

I think it’s thinness, but that poses the question of WHY it’s so important to me to be thin, which I can’t rationally answer.
Being pregnant was the first and only time in my life I felt free from the anorexia.. it’s so interesting isn’t it? I loved being pregnant and I genuinely expected it to be difficult for me to get bigger. But I loved it, and I loved being able to eat - because I was eating for my child, not for me, if that makes sense?

Yes, but because I have endometriosis. I’ve never had an extremely low body weight because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. But an eating disorder definitely makes it much harder for a woman to conceive, I was lucky that I hovered at a healthy weight.

No, amazingly. But I’m not drastically underweight because I’m tiny anyway.

This is a very interesting question. I’ve been like this for most of my life, so it’s very much part of who I am. If I had a magic wand and could wave it away, I certainly would. But then would I eat normally and gain weight? How would I feel? Would being bigger bother me? 35 years is a long time.

What is your advice to parents with a teen with an eating disorder? What is helpful? What is NOT helpful?
How much encouragement should I give for eating? And should it be very gentle encouragement, or firm?

You’re not going to like my answer… ED’s are SO difficult to treat, and every case is different. I don’t know how or what could have helped me all those years ago. I am going to have a think about my answer and get back to you. Feel free to message me too, if you want to.

Have you had a DEXA scan? I suffered from anorexia in my teens and twenties and had bad T-scores in my 30s.

I have no questions, but thank you for starting this AMA thread.

How do you know you don't look anorexic?

OP’s BMI is 19.8 so ever so slightly below a healthy range, so she is unlikely to look severely underweight because she isn’t.

OP, thanks for starting the thread, at your height/weight it appears you don’t have severe anorexia, thankfully, and from your posts you have high self-awareness which is great. May I ask how your sons know you’re anorexic? My parents’ attitude to food barely registered when I was growing up and I was obsessed with food (anorexic through my teens).

@Crushed23I didn't ask you the question and a simple BMI calculation isn't what I was looking for . The question was more to do with the OP's perception of herself and how can she reliably state she knows she doesn't look anorexic when that is part of the problem with anorexia.

You're a healthy weight at the moment. Are you under the care of the community ED or MH team in order to maintain this ie is it only down to professional support that you are a healthy weight atm or do you have the skills to do this yourself?

If the latter (well done!) do you know that you can access support if you spot the signs that you are slipping?

What was your mums attitude towards food when you were growing up?

19.8 puts op at a healthy weight. <18.5 is underweight so it’s important not to spread false information. I know BMI is not everything but I am a similar size and weight to op and am in no way anorexic or underweight. I do get fed up with people telling me I am though.

Are people really arguing on a thread about anorexia about BMI and whether she looks under weight? What a great way to push someone over the edge.