I’ve suffered from anorexia for 35 years

[Jujujudo]

I’m a 50 year old mother of 2 boys and I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t either starving myself, purging, or obsessed with my weight and food. The only time I was ever anything like overweight was in my youth, but looking back at photos, I was barely even chubby. I’m now hovering around 7 and a half stone and I’m 5’1”. I never feel thin or happy with my weight, despite knowing rationally that I am thin.
I will leave the rest of it to your questions. I’m not sensitive about it, so ask anything!

What do you find hard work about your eating disorder? What is the difficult part, and why do you struggle?

Not my AMA - ask the op

Are the psychiatrist and psychologist via NHS ED services?

No, sadly.

I suppose that if I had any concept of self preservation/self love/self belief or acceptance then yes, I probably could. But the issue at the root of anorexia is the desire to disappear, to restrict and control a life sustaining substance. If I gave a shit about myself then maybe I could choose to lay it down, use everything in my power to get over it and fully recover. But I just don’t think I’m worth it.
From the moment I had my children, I knew I had to move my focus, and stay well for them. But I don’t care enough about myself to invest in recovery because I think, deep down, I deserve this, or even, perhaps it’s all I AM worth - if that makes sense…

Have you ever weighed significantly less than you are now? A healthy BMI is deemed to be 18.5 - 25, so at very nearly 20, you're not underweight. Do you just mean that you've always fought to keep your BMI where it is now? I know someone whose daughter has anorexia, and she spent a year in hospital. Even though she's now deemed to be better enough to have a normal life, she is still painfully thin and I'd guess her BMI is barely 17. Her legs are like sticks. It's really sad.

Anorexia is now thought to have a strong genetic component.

This is heartbreaking. I wish things felt better for you. ❤️

Op many others I know think I don't eat enough.
My BMI is now 21 which is the highest it's ever been.
When I was in my 20s it was something like 15.
I was in a MH unit voluntarily as I was threatened with being sectioned but it wasn't the right place for me.
So I discharged myself and went to weekly therapy.
Slowly I gained weight.
I lost alot of weight when dcs were born too.
Luckily now in my 50s the issue seems to have resolved.
So many people are so used to over indulgence now that I probably still look thin even though I'm not.
Anorexia is about control,being good at something and I have found being really busy distracted me from concentrating on calories or being a certain weight.
I wasted my 20s due to it.
I hope you can continue to maintain your weight.

I must add when I was in the grip of an eating disorder in my 20s my thoughts and thinking changed dramatically,I. Could barely cross a room and I shivered alot.My parents were warned if I couldn't turn it around I would die due to organ failure.
It really is a dreadful illness and the way it gets a grip on the sufferers.💗

Gordonlachance
I wish you well.My dcs didn't develop my eating disorder.

It is very sad that no one else has replied directly to this.
To answer the question: the words make sense, but the thinking doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. My guess is that people are afraid to challenge your thinking in case it sets off another spiral.

All humans are entitled to basic human dignity, surely you recognise that? If you wrote down the basics that all humans are entitled to by virtue of being alive as humans, good food and nutrition are going to be on the list. You would never say to anyone (whether anorexic or not) “semi starving yourself is a suitable way of dealing with whatever human faults you have”.
None of us deserves to starve, none of us deserves to be diminished and shrunk to the least possible entity.
Given that no-one else has said it you, you are entitled to the basic dignity of enough nutritious food to be able to maintain your health and life your life.
The flip side of “treat others as you would like to be treated” is “treat yourself as you recognise others should be treated” and on that basis alone you can allow yourself to eat joyfully. You are allowed to take up space in the world, both physically and metaphorically- why would you not be?

It seems to me that the messaging to your children is fraught with difficulties, in terms of what makes someone worthy of esteem, and why there are rules for other people and a different set of impossible criteria when it comes to oneself.

OP, I cannot fill you with self-esteem, but I can say that you are worthy of human dignity. You can be kind to yourself, and it is OK to put aside the complex but erroneous beliefs you have around size and worth, and particularly around the ghastly rules which apply only to you.
You are worth it.

It is very sad that no one else has replied directly to this.

For me it's because I am pretty sure nothing I say will be anything OP has not heard before, or will (after 35 years) make any difference. It would seem a bit trite of me to say "you matter". OP know that she matters to other people.

Really? I need to research that! It always seemed strange to me that both of us suffered from it, especially as we didn’t have a particularly traumatic childhood or anything like that.

Thank you. I’m working on it…
🩷

I never weighed less than about 6.5 stone which isn’t excessively thin for someone my height. I was bulimic in my teens so that meant I was sometimes actually larger, I’ve weighed 9.5 stone too. I don’t think anyone who knew/knows me would suspect it from my appearance. I was never hospitalised directly for anorexia (feeding etc) but I was once for mental health which is definitely connected. I was diagnosed as bipolar after my first child was born. I don’t know if it’s connected.

I‘m in my fifties and have been anorexic since my teens though I recover/relapse/recover in a cycle.

What has made me live has been my kids. I knew that I had to arrest the cycle of starvation enough to live for my children. I can see that this is what you do OP and I wish you all the best.
At the moment I am a healthy weight (but feel horribly overweight) and accept that this is the way it should stay. I often wonder what it will be like when my children are all away and I feel I don’t need to eat for anyone else any more.

Thanks for doing your AMA @Jujujudo

My question would be that, as above, do you like me feel that there will be a glorious day when you don’t have to live for other people any more? Does it frighten you?

I find the genetic thing bizarre as my DM was a dress size 24 for a while.
Also 20 per cent of anorexia suffers are autistic which I assume could be the texture sensitivities .
What does your DH say about your ED OP.?

Do your GP records state that you have anorexia or maybe atypical anorexia?
Have you been under the care of NHS community ED team?
I'm curious how they manage someone with long-term ED since I know resources are stretched. If someone is medically OK and they've had their allotted NHS number of sessions, are not engaging in therapy I think they would be discharged.

Sorry if this sounds really harsh, but did the knowledge that you don't give a shit about yourself or have self love, self acceptance etc, plus the fact that you are suffering long-term from a serious mental health issue which can be fatal, not make you think it unwise to have children?

I love Asian food and also fish and chips!! I don’t love huge family things like Christmas but I certainly don’t draw attention to myself, I join in but eat less than I should. I’m a vegetarian so that’s useful often as I have an excuse to stick to vegetables etc.

I have been in contact with loads of anorexics of course, and I agree that it can be all-consuming. However it’s not common knowledge with me, I don’t look too thin and I try hard not to make an issue around food when I’m cooking etc. I know how to make a balanced meal which I feed my family, I just manage not to eat much of it!

Nope. I’m an amazing mother. My personal issues have nothing to do with my ability to love, educate, nurture and provide for my family. In fact, the best thing I ever did in my life was have children. I reckon every single one of us has issues with mental health or self- image or whatever. We all carry with us trauma and bad experiences. If we’re self absorbed, selfish, unable to function then it affects everyone around us. But if we are self aware and actively in therapy and communicative, then why should having a mental health problem stop me from having a family?

In the 80’s and 90’s anorexia was very clear cut. I tried to get help numerous times but was told that I had to be under a certain weight or that I didn’t fit certain criteria. I’ve been restricting my food intake for over 35 years but never been treated as an anorexic by the health industry. There are varying degrees of eating disorders and it’s only the extreme cases that get adequate attention.

Can you ever foresee a time in your future where all this can be behind you and that you’ll have a ‘normal’ relationship with food? Or do you feel that living like this is how the rest of your life will likely be?

Does treatment feel pointless or do you think you can be cured?