I’ve suffered from anorexia for 35 years

[Jujujudo]

I’m a 50 year old mother of 2 boys and I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t either starving myself, purging, or obsessed with my weight and food. The only time I was ever anything like overweight was in my youth, but looking back at photos, I was barely even chubby. I’m now hovering around 7 and a half stone and I’m 5’1”. I never feel thin or happy with my weight, despite knowing rationally that I am thin.
I will leave the rest of it to your questions. I’m not sensitive about it, so ask anything!

I believe someone in recovery from anorexia is advised to maintain a higher BMI than the lower threshold for the general population. Relapse is not uncommon. The higher the BMI when discharged from professional services the better the long term outcome.

Or maybe OP could use the platform to explain how someone of a clinically healthy weight can still be diagnosed as having anorexia.
I don't think anyone is arguing. If you think OP is not robust enough to handle AMA then you could report the thread.

What are your day to day eating habits like OP? Do you eat 3 times a day but small portions, or do you eat significantly less than you ‘should’. Do you count calories etc? And weigh yourself regularly?

And how little did you eat when things were at their worst?

I can totally relate. I’ve had anorexia for 24 years and it really feels like a life sentence.
Every aspect of my life is dictated by this illness.
Its a chain around my neck.
I have 2 kids too, they both know and I’m hyper aware of them developing any kind of food issues, specifically my 17yr old daughter as I was her age when I was diagnosed.
My lowest bmi was 14 back in 2020. I nearly died but apparently that wasn’t enough for me to recover fully.
Hovering around 17 now.
I wish you well, I hope one day you get freedom from this horrible illness.

No we are not - I was asking a question about the OP's perception of herself as a factor of anorexia is thinking you are fat when you are not I believe. The OP said ask her anything.

No but I should. My mum has osteoporosis so I expect I probably will/do.. I have rheumatoid and osteoarthritis though, but I’m not sure if it’s connected. I’m likely in denial!!

Because I don’t. My BMI is low but not so low that doctors notice. I don’t have a bony appearance, and if I ever mention it to people they are surprised. Maybe I do look anorexic.. maybe people are just polite - but I don’t think I’m “too thin”, I wish I was…

Yes you’re right.. my BMI is low but still within “healthy” range. Food is a big deal in our family, we eat together and my son is an athlete so focused on nutrition. I want to be open with them about it and they see that I hardly eat. I guess we all choose to parent in our own way, I have to admit I was relieved to have boys.. I’m not sure how I’d have managed with a girl without projecting.

Thank you, yes I control it so that I don’t slip into the spiral that makes me self obsessed. My children are my focus, not me, and although I have a psychiatrist and therapist, that’s something that I do to keep myself stable in order to be a present mother without making my illness the focus.

So this is very interesting. My mum has the healthiest attitude to food I’ve ever seen! I think it was more to do with her being controlling, and also my dad was constantly on diets etc as he was obese. My mum often suggested I dieted, and tried to help me when I put on weight, but in the 70’s and 80’s that wasn’t unusual. But I’m not sure that was a trigger. I suppose I can’t really know.

Thank you. Do you talk to your friends about it? The reason I ask is because I have a long time friend who has a food issue - she literally eats lettuce and a few prawns when we go out to eat. She makes a big fuss about reading the menu out but always has the same. She plays with the food that she gets too. I've never approached this with her as I feel it's not really my business. Do you try to hide it from friends or are you happy to acknowledge it?

Is your mother anorexic and does she know that she is?

That’s the thing isn’t it? Anorexia isn’t only about appearance, it’s about attitude and behaviour. I don’t look too thin but I am definitely restrictive and obsessive about it all.

It’s ok! I am fine with it, I wouldn’t have said AMA if I couldn’t handle it. But thank you 🩷

If I’m going through something, like a big argument with my husband, or stress, I tend to not eat at all. I try to drink coffee with almond milk and suck sugary sweets so I have energy, but I literally, physically can’t eat in those situations. Day to day I do eat, I always have something in the morning, but often after that I “forget” until much later when it’s tea time, so I’ll nibble when I’m with the kids. I eat full meals sometimes, if we go out for dinner or at the in laws etc. But I eat enough to maintain a “healthy” weight, although when I’m not eating because of the reasons I mentioned, I can lose very rapidly which I have to be careful of. Literally 2kg in a couple of days, and I’m short so it’s noticeable. I don’t like it being obvious so if my husband points out that I’m losing, I have to try not to let it go any further.
It doesn’t control me anymore, not like it used to, I’m just not that selfish (that didn’t sound right, I hope the meaning came across..), but it lives with me every day.

I try not to weigh myself.. I do from time to time. It’s more about the eay my clothes fit. I can see a photo of myself for example, from a bad angle or whatever, and that will set me off. It’s such a burden. But there are worse things so I have perspective!

It’s such an impossible burden and it’s so hard to change your mindset. Wishing you well, and love 🩷

Given the Clusters/psychosocial nature of anorexia are you aware of people taking a step back from you/your family to protect themselves/their family.

I unfortunately had to ban my child from being friends with a girl whose anorexic mother was (inadvertently) recruiting her own child, and then mine into her disease. The Mum was very very upset when we had an open discussion about it- but bb then I was beyond caring and ten years later the waves of rage about it rise very quickly.

BTW, it isn’t an impossible burden at all, you can choose to set it down whenever you like.

Finding this a very difficult read with a 17 year old anorexic daughter who I fear very much may be in your position in 35 years' time 😥. But it's very helpful nonetheless.

At what point were you able to control the illness to the point where you weren't at risk of spiralling out of control? I fear very much for my daughter who is supposed to be going to university in September but who currently struggles to eat if am not there. She is at the border of healthy/underweight BMI but underweight on weight for height which is what they use nowadays. She needs to restore more because her periods still haven't returned. I just can't ever see her being able to live an independent life but I guess reading your post makes me think that even if it a demon that she always has to battle, that she may at least reach a level where she can manage it herself rather than being completely dependent on me.

Also - did your period stop? Did you have a lowest point and how did you get out of it?

There you go OP. You didn’t ask for advice, but I’m sure this is good to know. 🤦‍♀️

What an idiotic comment

Have you ever had an eating disorder?! I’m going with no as this is ridiculous.
Op I live in the shadow of an eating disorder too age 40. It is very hard work

🤦‍♀️ all you like. Don’t you think the whole framing of an Impossible Burden, is a little off in the context of the other replies OP has given.
Her reply to do you want to get better was a long winded “No”.

My question would be which bit is impossible and which bit is the burden, because when I read her posts, it seems thing she finds burdensome is keeping her weight at a level people won’t comment on, but given free reign, who knows what her preferred weight would be.

What is your favourite meal, OP?

Assuming you celebrate it, do you find Christmas difficult?