I'm a secret SAHM alcoholic

[Theblondewino]

Married, two kids, stay at home mother and functioning alcoholic. Both my kids are happily playing with toys in front of me while I sip on my second vodka and sprite and wrap gifts for nieces birthday tomorrow

Presumably you don't have to drive your children around anywhere during the day?

Is that likely to change? How will you manage day drinking and driving? I'm a permanent taxi service for my kids!

You need to see a doctor for support to stop. Pick a day, and do it.

Have you not told your husband as you fear his reaction?

Your dh has more than just two or three beers - he's an alcoholic. You're an alcoholic. Your poor kids. And yes, everyone knows, or suspects.

Did you drink during your pregnancies? Were you a drinker before your pregnancies?

Unless he’s blind he’ll notice all the cocktail cans for a start, in the bloody recycling.

i understand this is ama but maybe rather than answering questions or dealing with annoyed replies because people, especially the children of addicts, feel so strongly about this maybe you can post for help in a support section of the site.
My hope for you and your children is one day I see you have another ama, saying you’re a recovering alcoholic and to ask you anything.
But now I just think you need advice and friends, not judgement.
Im another poster who had addict parents, I’ve done my own ama actually about it. (Although more focused on DV/abuse) but even without those factors my childhood would have been dreadful with alcoholic parents. The thing with addiction is you’re never going to really be a present parent whilst you are drinking.
You will always have something more pressing than your DC whilst you’re addicted to anything. And as others have pointed out, truly once school starts other parents will notice and it will get reported. Please take a trip to the alcohol board and ask for help there.
Im rooting for you x

Google for your local alcohol service and call them. They can help advise you on the safest way to reduce and then stop and provide support to change your routines, identify triggers and find different ways to go through your day. My local service would identify you as a risk as you're drinking while in charge of two children under 5. You absolutely are putting them at risk.

Oh OP. Your poor kids. My friends mum was a “functional” alcoholic and believe me, she wasn’t. Her behaviour later in the day was slightly odd so even as small children we were aware, and as older children it really traumatised my friend to know her mum prioritised the drinking over her. She avoided bringing friends over. Developed a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol herself: trust me, your kids WILL repeat and potentially escalate the behaviour they see growing up.

Make no mistake, you aren’t in control of this. If you were, you could stop. Your husband also drinks: I bet he knows you do too but confronting your issue would mean confronting his, so he stays silent.

Your children don't have to be physically unsafe with you to be emotionally unsafe with you.

The thing with any addict is that nothing matters to them more than their addiction. Children pick up on this emotional and psychological neglect.

I remember hearing a woman speak on the radio whose mum was an addict. As an adult she asked her mum, ' Did you ever love me?' ' Oh yes', said her Mother, ' I loved you SO much. I just loved the drugs more.' OP, if you are now thinking that won't be you as you are not a drug addict and they are worse, I volunteered at a centre with addicts and the alcoholics always liked to look down on the drug addicts, but there was no difference to anyone else in terms of their addictions and the impact in had on them and their loved ones.

You don't have to live with this, and nor do your children. There is help for you when you seek it out. Do that today. Contact your HV today.

Yes but he still knows the difference between beer cans and cocktail cans, I imagine.

So how can he ‘not have noticed’?

OP do you not go to soft play, playgroups, nursery pick ups, classes etc with your children? Do you drink at those or do you plan to stay at home so you can drink?

This is if social services don’t get involved first because one of your children gets injured. The fact that your safeguarding instinct hasn’t protected you from full-on alcoholism means that you dearly need help. And your children even more so.

My mother wasn’t an alcoholic but had significant MH issues and an addiction to another drug. My childhood was hell and even at 55 I never recovered. I went NC with her at 31 as I didn’t want her polluting my children’s lives. OP, please pickup the phone to AA today (they may not be the right service for you long term, but the act of talking it through with someone may get you alternative help now.)

How do you know what her husband drinks?

Do you really need to hear people's sad stories? You have your own sad story as a child and now as a mother. Marinating in sadness is counterproductive. You already have enough shame and guilt. It's more inspiring to think about benefits of stopping, inspiring stories of changing lives and improving relationships after stopping. We all know of the sad side to alcohol, no disrespect intended to the heartfelt and wellmeaning contributions.

OP, there’s a very active alcohol support forum here on Mumsnet. Please post there for nonjudgmental support

Your dh knows. I expect he just doesn't know how to deal with it. Your dc will know as soon as they're old enough and their friends and their friends parents will know. One of them will tell a teacher who'll have safe guarding concerns. You don't want to be that Mum.

Go to your GP and ask for help. It's about taking small steps and one day you'll look back and be so proud you did.

What caused you to start drinking? I saw you said your parents had dependency issues.

I know you say people can’t smell it or you don’t get drunk/appear drunk, but believe me this will not be the case. No judgment, just please get help for your children. There’s no shame in asking for help.

I really don't know if services intervened. She still is an alcoholic as far as I am aware. Sadly her teenage kids are very traumatised by her behaviour. One has significant behaviour issues and the other can't stand her.

Ok, seen your update. Your H will know you drink. Agree with others he is ignoring it so he does not have to stop drinking. You are in denial about your level of drinking and its impact.

You have kids now and presumably this is what has made you start to realise you have a problem that needs to stop. That is a good thing. Just take the next step and make a call to reach out for help.