I'm a secret SAHM alcoholic

[Theblondewino]

Married, two kids, stay at home mother and functioning alcoholic. Both my kids are happily playing with toys in front of me while I sip on my second vodka and sprite and wrap gifts for nieces birthday tomorrow

What happened when you were 16?

My mum was an alcoholic, it killed her in the end. Growing up with an alcoholic mother ruined my childhood and has had a profound impact on every aspect of my life, including my mental health. By the time she died I was no contact and she never met her grandchildren. Please get help, it breaks my heart knowing that your innocent little children could go through what I did.

I was the youngest in a large family, father was an alcoholic growing up. When I was a teen he stopped drinking for the first attempt (was successful on his second go)

I remember a relative cried and said this will be the first time the younger kids have ever seen their father sober and that was true.

OP you still have time to turn this around for your children's sake if not yourself. Life can be so much better not drinking daily. Sending love and hope for the future for you. 💕

Did you drink during pregnancy??

What is the purpose of your post?

Coming from a child of an alcoholic parent - whether you realise it or not, your children will be impacted by your alcoholism and likely resent you for it, it won't be as "secret" as you think it is

Hello @Theblondewino thank you for posting and seeking some support to stop drinking.

I have a dear friend who went sober five years ago. Her children were older when she stopped and I am sure she would say she wished she had sought more help earlier. It has been a revelation for her.

She is got support from her GP and a local recovery charity. She is on the surface very capable, competent, beautiful home and children perfectly presented. It's quite the 1950s housewife stereotype but I think not at all uncommon. She has significant trauma in her own childhood and mental health conditions that were apparently managed well. But secretly drinking all day, for years. I think these young children years are so dangerous for women who are socially isolated.

It is possible to stop. There is life on the other side that is clear and fun. Please just tell your GP and get some help.

I don't want to judge as my sister was an alcoholic and she is now 2 years sober. It took getting caught drink driving to the shop at midnight, being arrested and spending a night in the cell for her to finally get her wake up call. She stopped the day she was released in her grey scrubs with a raging hangover and raging shame. She is finally getting her drivers license back in the next few months.

She was a SAHM too. She went from enjoying a drink at weekends to full blown alcoholism as a coping mechanism after a period of stress. Her partner cheated and made her and the children homeless by kicking them out of the house, she had to find a PT job asap, get on UC and find somewhere to rent within months then the Covid lockdowns struck. She was isolated and turned to drink.

What I will say in her defence, is the kids were young teenagers, so whilst it was still irresponsible getting drunk as the only adult in the house they were able to know what to do in an emergency situation for example.

Your children are very young. It is super irresponsible for you to be drinking whilst you are supposed to be caring for them, but you know that. The first step is admitting you have a problem, which you are doing on here now. Next you have to admit it to your husband. Try to attend AA in the evenings if you can. My sister found AA helpful for the first few months of sobriety.

@Theblondewino my dgm was a lifelong alcoholic - would start at noon, gin, all v genteel, 'hidden' for years. When she died, my dad felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that that had been her life. I wish someone had confronted her and she'd got help and an actual life. Please go to your gp and get some help.

My dad had (/ still has to some degree) problems with drinking. He won't drink everyday but has very very habitual behaviours around drink and every weekend Thurs-Sun he would binge drink. Finds reasons to drink all the time - "it's a bit sunny, let's sit out and have a drink" (but its a whole bottle to himself), "finished work early so treated myself to a glass" (except he always finishes at that time), doesn't really enjoy visitors but encourages it because it gives him permission to 'have a glass' (again, usually a bottle or more) even if no one else is drinking.

Anyway... safe to say I barely touch a drop. I find it difficult even now with Dad, because he's essentially 2 different people - he's my Dad who is a bit grumpy, and then he's my Dad who is drunk and is unpredictable. Everyone is aware of his odd behaviours with drink, yet he is totally clueless and assumes no one could notice. He's wrong. Your kids will notice. Other people notice.

One thing you could actively do to help cut down is simply not to buy as much alcohol during your regular shop. No need for cocktail tins and multiple bottles of vodka - if its not in the house you can't reach for it easily.

If I was drinking a bottle of spirit every 2 days, plus 2-3 cans a day of cocktails my DH would notice for sure. Even if purely due to the extra costs on the shopping bill each week and the amount of bottles in the recycling bin!

People most likely don't know or notice. The OP keeps herself topped up rather than getting actually drunk. Her tolerance will be high. It's more likely that people would think something was wrong if she stopped.

@Theblondewino I drank 24/7 for a long time, up to four bottles of wine a day. I'm one of the alcoholics who was physically as well as psychologically addicted and suffered hallucinations and seizures when I stopped.

I found AA in desperation. Now I have been sober for many years. Since lockdown there are Zoom meetings everywhere and I would start with listening to some meetings.

I wish there was a way to report people on MN to social services. Those poor babies.

My father was an Alcoholic

Your partner, he has his own issues with alcoholic and yourself I have been drinking since I was 16 years old secretly

Please break the cycle @Theblondewino

Or (in a very short 13 years time) what might you say to your eldest if they start drinking?

As an alcoholic i didn't love alcohol more than my child. Alcohol gave me the crutch to stay alive. I didn't love myself enough to stop. The woman in your radio example is speaking her truth but she doesn't represent me or all addicts. It's unhelpful to dessimate and dehumanise addicts. There has to be a balance between demonising addicts and accountability.

At least you know you're an alcoholic, that's a start. Have you tried any of the AA meetings? Or the online support groups?

Do you need to change anything else within your lifestyle? Are you bored? Would getting a job help? Why do you think you drink?

Do you drive?

Did you drink this much pre kids?

My father thought he was a functioning alcoholic and that he was subtle. Everyone knew and talked to my mother about it. That he was a danger to himself and others, driving and whatnot „being perfectly fine“.

i also always noticed when he had his phases when he was drinking. Kids notice you’re „off“. What it does is that they will see you as an unreliable caretaker and distrust their own perception of reality. Because you tell them all is fine when in reality they know, they sense something is wrong. You’re messing with their heads and emotional regulation.

you need to stop. It’s not about just you, it’s about the kids. Go to AA.

And what was t that made you start?
What made you not realise it wasn't normal? When did you realise it isn't normal, @Theblondewino ?

My best friend lost her mum when we were teenagers from liver failure caused by drinking. My best friend died last year from drinking because of her childhood trauma.

My cousin lost her mum while she was pregnant from early onset dementia caused by drinking. My cousin drank herself to rehab and lost her husband and kids because of the trauma of her mother’s illness and death.

Just stop. Stop right now if you want to be a decent mum to your kids, if you want to be an alive mum for your kids.

OP the fact your DH is likely also an alcoholic (& likely also consuming far more than he tells you) is sad but explains a lot and in some ways is one less person to have to face with a big announcement. There's no need to own up to him he already knows, you just need to tell him it's getting out of control and you want to stop and would love for him to support you and join you. If he won't stop drinking and you're serious about getting sober for your children's sake, I'd seriously be looking at whether this is a health relationship to stay in.

I agree. I work with some alcoholics and drug addicts (supporting them - not as colleagues) and none of them 'love' drugs or alcohol. They all say the fun went out of them years ago. It's just addiction now. They can't imagine a life without it. It's really difficult getting people out of that cycle (unsurprisingly!).

Well done for posting, just acknowledging you need help is a big step. Have you ever had a liver function test? This might be the wake up call you need. A v good friend of mine recently ended up very unwell in hospital and found to have late stage liver cirrhosis. They’re the same age as you and at the moment we don’t know what the outcome is going to be. Sadly no one realized how much they were drinking until it was too late. From what you’ve posted they weren’t drinking as much as you are. Seek help, for your children.

Do you drive?