I'm a funeral arranger. AMA!

[Moonsick]

Happy to answer any questions anyone might have about funerals to the best of my ability!

Sorry for so many questions but do you know if it’s the same all over North West (Protestant?) Europe or whether it is a uniquely English or British custom to have a long gap between death and burial?

Yes, the one who is seen to care the most about what the funeral looks like. Or the oldest child or the oldest daughter. If they come by themselves with no idea about what they want they rely a lot more on my advice and guidance and I break it down into simpler choices.

My favourite arrangements are when lots of family come in at once and they all decide together. Or when different family members take on different aspects of the funeral. The arrangements always take longer but I love seeing the family dynamics, especially if they all get on. I had three siblings in their sixties in once and their interactions were lovely to watch, so supportive but a hint of teenage squabble

Do you have any involvement at all in “living funerals”?

this is such an interesting thread, thanks for allowing us to ask questions!

I have major trauma from seeing a deceased parent in the chapel of rest, unfortunately I was encouraged to by the funeral director who assured me everything would be ok… it wasn’t and I ended up vomiting from shock on the funeral home floor.

Do undertakers suffer from trauma etc, or are you just so used to all this? I can’t imagine this is an easy job whatsoever Thank you for all that you do!

I don't know this one, sorry.

I'm not sure it's custom, it's just the logistical and legal processes we have slowing everything down

I have never been asked to do one, neither have any of my colleagues but we would be very happy to help in any way we could.

@EstoyMuerta

A friend in Germany lost his grandfather recently and told me their usual timescale and tradition there is a private cremation within a couple of days, a funeral service about a week later with the urn of ashes rather than a coffin then burial of the urn rather than scattering.

Interesting how it's so different.

Genuinely shocked you were encouraged to visit and were told that.

We are happy to make your loved one available for as often and a long as you need but would never encourage you to visit or tell you it would be ok. I would give you advice if asked for it but not one way or another and remind you that it might replace a good memory with a bad one.

We got one lady's father into the chapel everyday for a week at her request. She turned up daily and decided each time she couldn't do it. In the end she did visit but with a closed coffin and she got some peace from being able to say goodbye but not having to see iykwim. A good funeral director/ arranger would be happy to do this for you.

Yes I have seen things I wish I hadn't.

@Moonsick . You sound like a lovely person who goes the extra mile for clients, thanks for taking care of the deceased with dignity and treating mourners with respect

We are planning this for DH, in England. Not private cremation but the direct, unattended, out-of-hours, then a funeral in church with the urn later. Our parish priest is fine with this.

Thank you, that’s really interesting. Seems it’s not necessarily a cold country/Protestant custom.

@Moonsick I know you're busy, but could you also please be the Prime Minister.

The country would be run like a well oiled machine.

Can you buy a burial plot but be cremated and bury the ashes?

I'll pass but thank you

It depends.

In our local council cemetery you buy the plot for 50 or 100 years and what you decide to do with it is up to you. If you paid extra for double depth you can fit two deceased in coffins and up to six sets of ashes in caskets in, plus loose ashes if there is no space for more caskets.

Burial plots can be more expensive than an ashes plot due to size.

Other cemeteries would insist on ashes going in an ashes plot not a burial plot, in some places like natural burial grounds there is very little difference in the price between the two sorts of plot.

Basically each cemetery has its own set of rules and regulations around what you can do. Some would say no outright, some would need convincing.

Same with vicars and churchyards. You don't actually buy a plot. The church remains owner of the land and has the final say on everything and that boils down to the rules of your diocese and the personal opinions of the vicar (and often the church wardens)

Ahh, it was worth an ask! 😉

With regard to the timescales in different countries, a friend of mine died in Ireland 2 weeks ago. She died on a Friday morning and her funeral mass and burial was on the Monday morning . That’s normal there to have the funeral within 3 days unless there is a need to wait to allow relatives to make travel arrangements from further afield.

@Crushedcandy I was speaking to an Irish relative recently about this. She said they wake before the funeral. The body is in an open coffin in the family home and people come & go and visit until the funeral.

My dad died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago & he had mostly planned his funeral using one of the larger funeral homes. I was really impressed with the whole team. They were so caring and kind. It must be such a special person to be able to do this job.

Thank you for starting this thread. I lost my Dad 6
months ago completely unexpectedly and the funeral arranger we chose sounds a lot like you.

I felt so safe leaving my Dad with her as I knew she’d take care of him (she mentioned that she would always say good morning and goodnight to him when she came to work!), I watched her at the service and saw her blow a kiss to his coffin with tears coming down her face. Some might think that was unprofessional, but it was the most touching part of one of the worst days of my life for me. She also signed her emails with kisses! It’s a job I could never do, but I am so grateful to those who do it.

Three days seems about the max. To me it seems like torture to drag it out any longer than that which is why I wondered if it was a cultural issue, a difference in the grieving process or in attitudes to death.

I wonder if it is possible to have a timely humanist funeral subject to the same proviso as Islamic or Jewish or Catholic arrangements which tend not to be subject to delay?

Hope it is alright for me to gatecrash the thread.

I manage a council burial ground. It is quite common for this to happen, particularly when a family has lived in an area for generations. People will buy a burial plot near to the plot where an existing family member is buried but then put ashes into the plot.

I always say good morning and good afternoon to those in my care too. I quite often have a little chat with them, let them know if their family has called or is planning a visit.

If I can I will be there for them being dressed and encoffined. On the day of the funeral all the staff gather around the coffin and we read out a little paragraph of biographical information that the family give us, so we all know who the person is.

We always see the trust the families place in us as an enormous honour and the funeral home scandal that happened recently has horrified us all.

Wrong thread 😳
have reported myself

As I said upthread, much of my work involves time at the crematorium. If I am
there for a day, my husband says he can smell it on me. I admit there is a very particular and pungent smell there which I imagine is a combination of decay, and cleaning or embalming fluid.

Do you know what I mean by this, OP?