I'm a funeral arranger. AMA!

[Moonsick]

Happy to answer any questions anyone might have about funerals to the best of my ability!

Do you think direct cremations are fair to families who see a funeral as an important part of saying goodbye and find comfort in them?

Have you made any changes to how you live your life because of what you experience in your job? Such an important job by the way.

Sometimes I feel like I am being watched, or inexplicably sad or happy which comes and goes very quickly. I hear footsteps, smell cigar smoke or cologne/perfume. Sometimes I get the feeling I am not welcome in a space temporarily. When I am getting someone ready for a chapel visit sometimes there is an odd sensation I can't explain.

Occasionally I get someone in who says they feel calm and peaceful in my building, good vibes. I have never felt scared or threatened by it.

A lot of our vehicles are electric.

We work with natural burial grounds locally.

We have a range of coffins that are cardboard, willow, bamboo, banana leaf and water hyacinth that are produced sustainably or in a fair trade way. Our willows come from two British suppliers who make the coffins in the UK. We work with the forest alliance on our wooden coffins.

If a coffin is considered cremation safe then everything is burned, including the handles, any metal residue is recycled by a charity.

Any defibrillators or pacemakers are also donated to charity

All the time. I have a little cry, call a colleague or just take some time to collect myself.

Yes all the time, not in front of the families though because it's not my grief and it feels wrong to be weeping.

I try not to take it home.

In my previous job I sat with a lot of people as they died and that gave me a lot of coping mechanisms that I use now.

I feel it isn't fair when a family feels they have to choose a direct cremation for reasons of cost and it breaks my heart.

If someone has chosen a direct cremation and paid for it, the family can cancel the plan and have the money refunded after the person has passed away. It is the same with a lot of funeral plans.

It's up to the family whether they feel the deceased chose their choice/plan for reasons they can override eg the deceased was concerned about a funeral being a financial burden on their family or not wanting to make a fuss.

Every family is different and every outcome is different. Balancing the wishes of the deceased versus the wishes of the family is a very delicate conversation that is unique to every family and it's something that only rarely happens to me so far.

We do encourage everyone to discuss their wishes with their families before they pass away. You can also go into a funeral home and record your wishes before you pass, I have had four or five funerals this year where I met the deceased before they passed away and got to hear from them what they wanted.

I made sure to have a conversation with my family members about what they wanted for their funerals.

One of my clients last year had planned her funeral down to a copy of the order of service. The weight that took off her family was incredible!

I am a lot more careful about self care.

Sometimes I get very anxious about all the possible ways I could pass away and I actively have to fight those thoughts!

Have you done any gypsy funerals? If so, what was your opinion on the way we like to do things?

Do you work for a big company? If so, do you have financial targets to hit for sales, upsells, add-ons etc etc? And if you do have sales targets, do you get bonuses for hitting them?

I have done one.

It was a bit of a change from the majority of funerals I have done but I enjoyed the differences and working with the family.

The family were very open and direct about their grief and their wishes but it was an honour to meet their requirements and give them exactly the service that they wanted for their loved one.

Our florist needed a holiday though afterwards!

Just read a great book on this by an (anonymous) council worker whose job it is to arrange section 46 funerals (no known relatives and no known money to pay). Its called 'Ashes to Admin' and is very moving and funny in places. Really thought provoking read. She talks a lot about how caring people who work around the dead are.

Yes I work for a large company.

It is part of our training to not upsell and I absolutely won't. We do not have targets and I do not get any sort of bonus. I would not work for a company that did that, it's completely against my own beliefs.

Thank you for what you do, and how you do it. It's important.

Another funeral arranger here…hello @Moonsick !
have been doing this 6.5 years. Am now hoping I can do in house training to become an embalmer.

Thank you.

It's always an honour to be chosen by a family to care for and arrange a funeral for their loved one.

I will do anything I can to make the families' lives easier and when their loved one is in my care I give them the same love and respect as I would want for my own family. So would all the funeral directors, arrangers and crew I work with.

Thank you for this. I am in the middle of making a new Will and trying to decide what to suggest to my Executors?

What are your views on Direct Cremation?

I loathe Crematorium services and want to spare my family that experience if possible.

I just don’t really know how Direct Cremation compares in terms of professionalism in relation to the treatment of the deceased. I am thinking in relation to collection of the body, storage and treatment during the actual cremation.

Could I ask what other alternatives you recommend to families who are not looking for a Church service but don’t want an actual service at the Crematorium?

Hopefully you agree with my answers here!

Our embalmer works from my building. She is a lovely woman and I have watched her and admire her skill and the care she takes.

I couldn't do her job, but I'm very glad there are people like her (and you) who do want to do it.

This is interesting! Please tell me more!

Is there anything you don’t like
about the job? What are you hours like
and what is your pay?

Really interesting. Thanks for starting this thread OP

Views on Direct Cremation: I think that it works for some families/people and not for others. Some are delighted to avoid the decisions/expense and fuss and some are devastated to not have the funeral service to say goodbye. Some plan lovely memorial parties/celebrations of life once they have the ashes back in place of a tradiitonal funeral.

Sometimes families don't want to be spared, they want to plan something to help themselves let go and say goodbye. But they are torn between their own wishes and the wishes of the deceased.

Care of the deceased: in my company the only difference in the collection, care and preparation of the deceased is the transportation to the crematorium in an ambulance rather than a hearse. We are supposed to dress the deceased in a gown. It if a family bring in clothes the crew will never refuse to dress them if I ask. I will always put letters/mementos in the coffin if requested. I visit all deceased in my care twice a day, including the direct cremations.

Other alternatives: I say to my families that you have booked the crematorium space and the crew and whatever happens in that space is up to you. I have arranged funerals without a celebrant where the family stood around, chatted about the deceased, listened to music and said their own form of goodbye. The crew will wear jeans and a tshirt if that's what you want, if you don't want all the pomp and formality. The music system we use is huge and you can add your own requests. You could have nothing but music if you wanted, in fact both of my local crematoria offer a reduced fee morning service for 15 mourners and only music to be played, no celebrant.

The admin can be heavy!

You can see and hear horrific and upsetting things, which can be hard to process.

You are up close to raw and painful grief all day.

I work 9-5 Monday to Friday on an hourly rate of 12.50 (ish)

When a person is cremated is it an individual one or do they do a group??? Sorry if it's a grim question but my mum died recently and my dad is convinced they do a group cremation

There are no group cremations.

Crematoria often hold open days where you can look around and answer questions and will often accommodate visits on request.

I have visited both of our local crematoria and have been totally reassured that all processes are followed and all families are getting their loved ones ashes back.