I'm a funeral arranger. AMA!

[Moonsick]

Happy to answer any questions anyone might have about funerals to the best of my ability!

@newsenmum what would you like to know more about? I followed up a previous question about odd things I heard/felt a little earlier here:

Sometimes I feel like I am being watched, or inexplicably sad or happy which comes and goes very quickly. I hear footsteps, smell cigar smoke or cologne/perfume. Sometimes I get the feeling I am not welcome in a space temporarily. When I am getting someone ready for a chapel visit sometimes there is an odd sensation I can't explain.

Occasionally I get someone in who says they feel calm and peaceful in my building, good vibes. I have never felt scared or threatened by it.

Sorry I hadn’t seen your reply to this when I posted. When you say someone says they feel calm and peaceful - do you mean the deceased person talks to you?

Not the deceased but sometimes people come in who claim to be spiritual or psychic or sensitive and they say the office space feels welcoming, calming and peaceful.

My clients often say similar things about the peace and happy vibes.

Sometimes there can be forty or more deceased in the building and I am often by myself, so I don't know whether my subconscious is sort of aware of that iykwim, it's definitely not a normal situation but at the same time is my normal.

I have never been scared at work but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't go into a space or a room. I don't and it's usually fine five minutes later.

Some of my clients have said they felt their loved one in the room whilst they are visiting, one woman had an experience where she felt the lights flickered as she spoke to her mother.

I would never have given any belief to any of this before I worked there.

How do you deal with conflict within the family? What happens when different bereaved family members want different things?

You sound lovely and just the sort of person I'd want to plan my loved ones' funerals. But how on earth can a newly bereaved family choose the right company for them when they're in the depths of grief and shock? Have you got any tips or red flags about signs that people should be aware of when choosing a funeral director? Do people ever shop around?

Do you have a view as to whether the industry should be regulated or not? I understand that currently it isn't.

I'm thinking about the recent dreadful cases of the small funeral directors who were not caring for the deceased in a proper way. I'm not sure what improvements regulation would bring, but I imagine checks on premises, procedures, training etc.

What's up with that thing where pallbearers balance the coffin on their shoulders and don't use their hands to steady it? Is it a point of professional pride somehow? I found it extremely disconcerting at my mum's funeral (mainly because one of the pallbearers was a lot shorter than the others and I had visions of her going flying!)

We only accept instruction from one person regarding the funeral. They can delegate to other people or have them copied in on the emails but any changes have to come from the client.

Sometimes one family member comes to us and another one will kick up a fuss, complain or sometimes get a solicitor involved. Sometimes they want a different funeral director to take the funeral. In those cases we sometimes proceed and sometimes stop planning the funeral and wait for the arguments to resolve. At the first hint of a potential problem we involve our manager who will liaise with the family and decide on the correct path.

The client can choose to make some or all of the funeral private eg put a password on file. Or they will say "you are not to accept any flower orders" or "this person is not to visit or receive funeral details".

Quite often we have angry family members on the phone or in our office but we will always follow the wishes of our clients.

Absolutely shop around, prices should be clearly available on every company website.

Phone a few different ones up and see how you feel when talking to the arranger on the phone.

I always happy to have people drop in to chat, there is never any obligation. If you know your loved one is likely to pass soon most funeral homes would be happy to sit down for a chat, talk costs and procedures and send you away with information.

You don't have to make a decision immediately after someone has passed away, you can visit a few local funeral directors and see who you feel is the best fit for you.

100% agree with regulation. I am confident that my companies procedures work well and meet the highest standards and any failures should be caught as soon as possible.

Local councils are carrying out visits of every funeral director this year. I had my visit last week and they were very happy with how we do things. We had the council bereavement officer and environmental health officer and we were all in agreement that regulation is needed.

Crew should be moving at a pace where there is no danger of the coffin tipping or slipping.

Our crew do sometimes hold the coffin if they are on unstable ground, but generally they do three funerals a day and have a lot of experience.

The funeral director should be steadying the end of the coffin as it goes along and will be responsive to any slight changes.

It can sometimes look precarious but the consequences of it going wrong are nightmare fuel for all crew and their managers - so there is a lot of communication and discussion when the coffin is loaded on the hearse in the first place and they will decide who will take which corner.

How long have you been doing it for and how do you get into it?

Are you scared of death or people you love dying?

To add to the question from Haffdonga on how to choose a funeral director, some tips:

Avoid funeral homes where they are short, impatient or patronising on the phone. It doesn't matter how busy they are you are imprtant. You have to work with the home for three to four weeks, maybe more, so it's important you feel listened to from the start.

It sounds silly but parking. You might be in the home several times for arrangements, visits, dropping off clothes etc. I always offer my families the option to follow the hearse from the funeral home as I have parking space for plenty of family cars and the hearse.

If you want to visit ask to see the chapel. Some are tiny and some are huge, some can only fit a few people in.

Ask around for recommendations

Just because it is a smaller local company doesn't make them better or more personal than a larger company. Sometimes the larger company can offer more choice, flexibility and options due to its size.

As I said before, in many cases you have time after someone has passed away. Care homes ask you to choose a funeral director when your loved one moves in. If the coroner is involved with an unexpected death it can take up to three weeks before a decision is made. If someone dies in a hospital then the hospital doctor has to fill in paperwork to send to the registrar before you can register the passing which can take two or three days. Expected deaths give you some time to choose a funeral director.

Two years. I loved care but I was getting older and I was struggling with twelve hour shifts and the physical work.

I saw the advert on the company website and applied.

They look for empathy, kindness, confidence with people, patience, computer skills, time management and a positive attitude.

I think you sound lovely! We were very lucky with the funeral home we used when my sister passed away! They were very kind, especially when we went to see her. It felt calm and peaceful and it was, for me my final act of love for her. To make sure she looked well. It sounds strange but her coffin was beautiful and everything had been done with care. No questions but a thank you!

I'm scared of dying, not of death itself.

Most of the deceased look very peaceful and calm and for many its the end of a period of suffering, pain and fear.

I am terrified of my loved ones dying. This job has opened my eyes to just how random, unfair and indiscriminate death can be. And in how many different forms it can come.

To what extent can a person plan their own funeral when they know they're going to die soonish? I'm intrigued by the story of the person who'd done everything except print the order of service.

This is so lovely to hear.

There is so much work that should go on behind the scenes for a chapel visit and it sounds like they got it just right for you.

They had chosen the:

Crematorium
Celebrant
Flowers
Music
Cortège route
Photos for the order of service.
Urn
Ashes wishes

The sister produced a printed copy of exactly what the order of service should look like, that they had worked on together.

For our company if you come in to plan it, your family would have to come to that funeral home specifically to either arrange or collect your wishes as we keep them in paper form in a file. We can give you a paper copy to take home, people tend to keep them with their wills or paperwork.

If you take out a plan you can record your wishes and that will show up on our system for all of our funeral homes when we come to redeem the plan after you pass away.

🕊

How many days elapse, on average, between death and burial or cremation? Is there much regional variation or is there a sort of industry standard?

Are most of your customers Christians?

Also which one is quicker to organise, burial or cremation?

Was that really 2 years ago!

It feels like it was 5 minutes ago.

Apologies for the grim question - I imagine sometimes you receive a body that is no longer in a good state, maybe through a car accident or an industrial accident. How do you cope with this?

I imagine the same question could be asked to first responders, paramedics, the police and firefighters etc. all jobs I couldn't do as well as yours!

You have my complete respect and my experiences with different funerals has been the same each and every time. A group of people who do an incredible job.