I'm a funeral arranger. AMA!

[Moonsick]

Happy to answer any questions anyone might have about funerals to the best of my ability!

How many days: Our company like three weeks between death and cremation. This gives enough time to collect the paperwork, organise an order of service, notice for family to arrange time off work to attend. Burials in a churchyard can take slightly longer to arrange because you have to coordinate the diaries of the vicar, church and gravedigger. Same with church service followed by a cremation. It's much harder to book churches around Easter and Christmas.

Sometimes I have to book a funeral to avoid client holidays which extends the time in our care.

Coroners can take three weeks to make a decision so you have to add that on to the timeline if they are involved.

Direct cremations can happen within a few days of receiving all the paperwork and registering the death.

Regional variation would often depend on crematorium distance and availability. Generally though it's seasonal, in the winter you are likely to have to wait a little longer due to demand.

There is no industry standard.

I would say 15% are Christian, the rest are nominally Christian or without a faith. Other faiths tend to have preferred funeral directors who can meet their requirements

Cremation usually, especially a direct cremation. That is done very quickly.

Burials in council cemeteries take about the same amount of time.

Burials in churchyards take the longest to arrange

I had a friend who died in an accident involving heavy machinery, so his body wasn't in great condition. His face was absolutely fine, though.

So, in the chapel, they had tactfully covered his body (from the neck down) with a white cotton cloth.
It felt like a high thread count cotton sheet or tablecloth.

I am part of a really tight knit and supportive team who are there for each other.

In care you have to put your own disgust or distress aside for the sake of the resident or client and it's no different in the funeral industry. That's a person who needs your help so you just give it. You just need to make sure you deal with it and don't bottle it up.

And whatever we are feeling is nothing to what the family is going through, so that comparison is always in our heads.

Might be a silly question but once the funeral is over does the coffin go straight to be cremated if that's what's happening or can it be hours / days later?

The local crematoria say it can be up to 48 hours between service and cremation because of factors like staffing and demand.

But usually it is carried out the same day as the service.

And there is no such thing as a silly question 😄. I have been asked all kinds of strange things and I would rather that the questions were asked than people worry.

If the deceased is wearing jewellery, for instance a wedding ring, and is being cremated, does the ring stay on the body for the cremation? I just wondered as I don’t think gold melts down to ash. Thank you.

Was there an increase in deaths since 2021? How did your firm support families grieving in 2020 lockdowns?

This one is difficult- I was at a funeral recently where the room smelled artificially sweet but there was an occasional undertone smell like strong bad breath. Wicker coffin. The deceased had only passed 72 hours prior. Do you think that could have been a real smell or perhaps someone just had bad halitosis, and what would you do in a scenario like that?

Any jewellery that is to stay with the deceased will go into the cremator with them. Some metals are able to be removed after the cremation and are donated to charity. Families are able to request those metals back but the majority is the staples from the coffin, not recognisable jewellery.

I wasn't working in the funeral industry then but anecdotally there was an increase in deaths in 2020 and 2021 in my area.

My husband has a terminal illness. We have young kids 8 and 13. He's been given a year. So they'll be 9 and 14. Would you recommend them seeing dad afterwards and also if they wanted to could my 14 year old carry the coffin xx

Deterioration is an entirely individual process and can depend on a number of factors such as medication, cause of death, body chemistry etc.

72 hours does seem very quick but sometimes stomach contents can ferment and escape. Was the smell definitely from the deceased?

We have a mint scented spray that neutralises odours that we would use inside the coffin. In addition I have neutradol air fresheners I open and an extractor fan in the chapel which I would run. If the deceased had perfume or cologne I would spray it as well, depending on what worked.

We are given peach air fresheners to spray but I find the smell cloying and overpowering so I buy my own febreeze.

I'm so sorry Catherinewales, I'm not sure about recommendations but these are some of the things I say to my families.

Sometimes if someone has been unwell for a long time, they can appear more peaceful, relaxed and healthier after death, especially if they are embalmed.

If someone has a good last memory of their loved ones you have to think about whether seeing them again might replace it with something better or something worse.

Sometimes they need to say goodbye, to see that their loved one is truly gone . Only you know your children best.

I have only done one chapel visit with children attending, they were well supported but they did find it very upsetting. If you speak to the arrangers they will do whatever they can to help you decide.

I can't see why your son wouldn't be able to support the coffin. He wouldn't be able to be one of the four essential bearers but I have seen coffins brought in by 6 or 8 family bearers and he could be one of those.

I wish you all the peace possible over the next year xx

Amazing thank you @Moonsick xx

Thank you OP, that was very helpful. I have always wondered why non-religious funerals wait a week or more after death when many faiths get it done within a day or two. There’s such an enormous difference between three days and three weeks.

Is there any way to speed up the process without having a faith based funeral?

What is the somewhat unsettling (sorry..) funeral home smell? I remember someone telling me it was formaldehyde and Lillies, but is this actually true?

also, have you seen any paranormal things during your work?
Thanks!

Are certain days/times more or less popular? So if you were willing to hold a funeral at say 9am on a Monday would you be able to get it done faster?
I guess I mean is it crematorium slots / your slots that is the delaying factor, or admin?

90% of the delay is waiting for the medical person who verified the death to complete the paperwork and send the medical certificate for cause of death (MCCD) to the registrar. Without that you cannot register the death and get the "green form"- certificate for burial or cremation. We need that green form for the crematoria/cemetery/vicar 48 hours before the date of the funeral.

Some GPs/hospital doctors are faster than others. I had one when the GP verified the death and went on holiday for 8 days and no one else could fill in the form. The family then had to wait another four days for a registrars appointment.

Some examples (based on lots of individual funerals):

Someone passes on the 20/07, doctor is a hospital doctor, bereavement office let family know as soon as the MCCD sent to registrar on 22/07. Family get registrar appointment for 24/07, come straight to me with the green form. They want it as soon as possible. I phone our booking line and the only free spot we have is the 2nd August. I phone the crematoria locally and they do have a space. I talk to the family. I ask if they want an order of service (yes), if they want a celebrant (yes) and if family members need time to organise time off work (yes). If the answers to those had been no then they could have had the 2nd August.

If they had wanted a direct cremation then it could have been even earlier as we would have had a complete set of paperwork.

I understand that other faiths bury their deceased and they do it before all the paperwork is complete with the understanding the deceased can be exhumed if needed.

A whole new system is coming in in September which will make the process even longer, but at least removes the GP more from the equation and should make funerals £82 cheaper as we won't have to pay doctors on your behalf for the paperwork.

Honestly my funeral home smells like fresh air, bleach and febreeze cotton fresh 90% of the time.

The 10% it smells like petrol (crew didn't close the door to the garage and are backing in the hearse/limousines) , or occasionally deteriorated deceased if someone has been brought in sadly deteriorated, but as soon as I smell that I take action.

I did answer the paranormal question a bit further up

Thank you, this is fascinating. I wonder why they want to make the process take even longer? It seems so cruel to the bereaved.

Sort of discussed in a recent post about the admin collection process and the hold ups in the system.

If you don't want a celebrant and are happy to manage the music/ running order of the funeral by yourself. If you don't want an order of service and you aren't worried about family getting off work to attend then yes you can book for the next available date.

Friday is always popular (except Friday 13th). People want it before Christmas and not just after. Some crematoria have a restricted spot in the morning for fewer mourners, less time and music only which is rarely busy. It isn't always easier/quicker to book in the summer as everyone in the funeral industry tends to be encouraged to take their holidays then as it's quieter- so fewer crew, funeral directors, registry staff, crematorium staff etc.

@Moonsick , do you find in families where a parent has died, the organisation is usually left to the same person who seems to be the most upset?

I believe to standardise things and remove some of the issues like the Gp going on holiday for 8 days. Sometimes the GP has to see the deceased after they have been taken into my care which extends the time.

As I understand it from September all non coroner deaths will go through the medical examiner who will liaise with the family and the GP to make sure there is agreement on cause of death. After that they let the family know when they can make a registrar appointment, rather than them or us chasing the doctor to find out when they are sending it/guessing when. As the GP won't have to fill in paperwork then they won't need to be paid the £82 we currently pay them.