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AMA

I am a nanny for “VIP families” ask me anything

183 replies

nannyofcelebrities · 20/01/2024 22:18

Name changed for obvious reasons, and while I obviously can’t give identifiable details as to who I work for or I have worked for, I am happy to answer any question anyone might have about what nannying for so called “VIP families” is like in general etc…

OP posts:
Eledamorena · 21/01/2024 22:57

@nannyofcelebrities thanks for your response. I totally get all your points and yes, if you boil it down, the reason I have a nanny who works what would be considered crazy hours in the west is because it's culturally acceptable here, and yes, maybe I tell myself it's ok because I pay her better than most and certainly treat her better than anyone else I know.

Regarding pay, the context is really important because you earn more than double what I do. So while my package is excellent for this part of the world (for a local; not for a foreigner), it would be impossible for me to pay any helper anywhere close to a normal nanny rate in the UK, let alone a high-end one, as that is more than I earn. The economy is just not comparable. Likewise, I cannot earn enough here to build myself a house in my hometown even in a couple of decades, whereas my nanny has achieved this in just a few years.

Nannies here can and do have children and continue working. They either work live-out, and I know women who manage this even as single mothers but it does require community support (which thankfully there is a lot of in their culture), or they send their babies home to extended family. That set-up is really tough but, again, normal here. My own nanny was raised in this way, living in a different country from her own mother until she was in her teens. Those who work live-out would typically do shorter hours, maybe working for a family where both parents don't work full hours so they don't need childcare from early til late. Even with fewer hours, they often earn far more than their husbands do. My nanny prefers live-in and has specifically requested that I help her find a similar role when I leave (I will relocate later this year, and when I told her she wept and said I'd changed her life, she would never forget me, she will never find a family like mine etc etc, so while I would never minimise how hard she works and that this is a job for her, I also know she feels lucky to have this job).

I appreciate what you say about the long hours being normalised and I agree, to an extent. But here this is not limited to this industry. The security guards I know here typically work 14 hour shifts, often 6 days. The cleaning ladies in offices rather than homes also work long days, including weekends, though not as long as that. Factory workers doing 12/6 is normal. And they earn less than half what an average nanny earns. I'm not saying this to excuse it - the poverty here is dreadful - but rather to say that while the nanny rates seems pitiful compared to the west, they are actually way, way higher than most uneducated people will ever even imagine earning.

One final point but this is definitely not typical of people in my situation - I actually spent my 20s working in a boarding environment, which involved long holidays but during term time I typically worked 12 hours 5 days a week, slightly shorter on Saturdays, and was on call for the other 12 several nights a week in theory, but every night in practice. The longest break I had most weeks was 24 hours, from Saturday evening til Sunday tea time, but not every week. It's a very different job from nannying but the principle is the same; I was basically a teacher during school hours and a carer before school and after school, living alongside the kids. So I probably have a bit more understanding of the commitment in both time and mental energy than most other people do.

You've actually given me a lot to think about. There are definitely those that arrive in countries like this thinking they won't hire help as it's expolitative, but I think foreigners hiring people and generally giving them better conditions and pay (relatively) makes a small difference to market conditions, as lots of ladies refuse to accept lower pay and longer hours once they've worked for foreigners. There are groups here who gather info from (mostly foreign) families and publish it, and this has gradually improved average rates and conditions fo domestic staff even in the years I've been here. Baby steps, but it is something.

whatsitcalledwhen · 21/01/2024 22:58

Have you ever worked for a family where the baby was a brilliant sleeper? We are so lucky so far and getting lots of sleep with our little one who is a few months old, which I imagine would make a huge difference to how you feel in your role! We feel like we can't tell anyone IRL as it sounds like bragging or we'll get the 'it won't last' negative comments people love to give!

Teacup19 · 21/01/2024 23:18

In situations where parents need a nanny more than 40hours a week, surely a job share makes more sense?

Gagaandgag · 21/01/2024 23:19

Have you ever witnessed anything that has concerned you about the child’s safety or welfare? Have you ever considered reporting a family to social workers

kittykhops · 22/01/2024 05:58

What is the situation on sleep training? Do you suggest sleeping training? Or see if the parents do? Or are you against it? (And does it work?)

Perfect28 · 22/01/2024 06:17

What qualifies you to do the role and how did you get in to it?

nannyofcelebrities · 22/01/2024 06:19

whatsitcalledwhen · 21/01/2024 22:58

Have you ever worked for a family where the baby was a brilliant sleeper? We are so lucky so far and getting lots of sleep with our little one who is a few months old, which I imagine would make a huge difference to how you feel in your role! We feel like we can't tell anyone IRL as it sounds like bragging or we'll get the 'it won't last' negative comments people love to give!

Yes, I would say most kids I work for sleep through the night from 3 months old (though I have had the odd rough sleepers but it’s usually babies I have « late » and after a couple people looked after them.)

Please don’t feel like you have to hide the fact that your baby sleeps through, that’s awesome! For me a baby sleeping through the night makes a big difference BUT often a maternity nursing contract, is a 3 months contract so ironically usually my job is done once the baby sleeps through, but when I do stay a lot longer it’s a real plus that they do sleep through the night. And actually a baby that’s either naturally a good sleeper or has a routine that work for him will continue to sleep through the night, aside from the natural phases of sleep regression that all baby go through!

OP posts:
nannyofcelebrities · 22/01/2024 06:36

@Gagaandgag thankfully not. And I would have no hesitation to report. The one case I had that horrified me a bit but wasn’t a contract of mine and was just a baby sitting gig I did for free for a single mom of a certain ethnic background (where what I am about to talk about is common) who needed help for a few days, and when I got there and had to nappy change immediately noticed that the baby had part of his genitalia sectioned, I think as an attempt to circumcise him in an homemade fashion with a razor blade (I don’t know this level of details just could tell it was homemade and likely was done a long while ago) it was a horrible job as you could see the urinary track etc…the toddler had zero pain (that’s why I knew it was old and healed) but he was permanently butchered.

I didn’t report for two reasons. I could tell he was well looked after and that it wasn’t a sign of ongoing abuse and more a sign of old traditional belief, and while I was angry that she didn’t go through a medical professional as she should have there was no turning back the clock on that one but I was horrified and had to ponder on it for a while.

I wouldn’t hesitate to report any and all physical abuse/neglect, right away though!

OP posts:
nannyofcelebrities · 22/01/2024 06:47

kittykhops · 22/01/2024 05:58

What is the situation on sleep training? Do you suggest sleeping training? Or see if the parents do? Or are you against it? (And does it work?)

I do believe in sleep training but I also don’t believe you need to sleep train as such if you create a routine that work for each specific baby since birth. Usually it’s about creating patterns and habits that encourage independent sleep very early on in a non traumatic way for the kid. For example if you get into the habit of letting your newborn happily do most naps in his bassinet vs the arms (which is tempting) you won’t have to train him out of needing the arms or rocking to sleep or train him to accept to sleep in his crib as much, so past the first month and half I start becoming a lot more cautious and conscious about the routine and sleeping habits I create so as to encourage them to be independent sleepers through the night. Most then sleep through around the 3 months mark onwards without ever needing sleep training.

Sleep training, to me, is breaking bad habits to replace by ones that make for better sleep. It works, but it’s a lot easier to not have to go through the process if possible.

OP posts:
nannyofcelebrities · 22/01/2024 06:49

Perfect28 · 22/01/2024 06:17

What qualifies you to do the role and how did you get in to it?

Technically nothing but experience, as I got to where I am at with nothing but experience, I got into it because I am the oldest of many children and my family is in the childcare industry so I have always been around kids and especially babies and it’s always been a bit second nature to me.

OP posts:
Fingerscrossedfor2021HK · 22/01/2024 07:37

@nannyofcelebrities Interesting to hear the nanny’s side of things!

I thought I would share an employer’s perspective for some of those questioning how a mother (always the mother being judged) could possibly hand over her child into the care of another. I don’t have a 24/6
arrangement but I did have a long term night nanny with my first.

Our family setup: (I am not in the UK so rates and expectations of the role may differ):

  • My DH and i employed a night nanny for my first baby (7pm to 7am) for the first 6 months. The night nanny was a lifesaver as I had very bad PND and a non-sleeping, very low birthweight baby. I pumped for the first 3 months and because my son took up to an hour to drink a bottle (he could never latch directly) without help I would never have been able to manage.
  • We paid our night nanny roughly £6k per month in UK money - we were in HK at the time and I think were outliers as most families here would have their domestic helper (usually a Filipino lady who is a live in housekeeper) take on baby care. I prefer my helper to focus on housework and to employ a professional maternity nurse to help with infant care.
  • Now that my son is older I have a daily (English) nanny who we pay approx £4k per month to come in for 4 hours per day, 5 days per week to help with my son. I am currently a sahm and this gives me the time to eg go to the gym, shop for groceries, cook fresh meals for my son and go to appointments.
  • I am about to have a second baby and am hoping to go back to work when baby is around 10-11 months old. When s/he is born we will again have a night nanny for the first 12 weeks and we will keep our currently daytime nanny to help with our son.
  • I don’t think my son has more of a bond with his nanny than with me. He has a fantastic time with his nanny but when we go to the gp for his shots he wants mama. If he is sick he wants mama. He runs happily to his nanny when she arrives in the morning but merrily waves her “bye bye” when I come back to take over. What his nanny adds is a person who has 100% energy to play with him, teach him and entertain him - mama will always be there when he is sick or sad.
  • I think that most women would jump at the chance to get some sleep in the first few weeks and months with a newborn (mumsnet is literally stuffed with threads posted by desperate sleep deprived moms!) so I am a little surprised to see how many people are saying how awful it sounds to have a 24/6 nanny!

I admit that reading some of the responses on this thread initially made me feel really inadequate as a mother because I could not have coped without my nannies! Then I remembered all of the friends who opened up about how hard they found the first few months with a newborn and how they would have given anything to get some help. None of the judgment ever seems to be directed at the fathers. Nobody has ever said to my husband that he should spend more time with his son, who he sees for maybe one hour per weekday. It is sad to see so many women judging other women for their choice to pay for help with childcare. I truly believe that it takes a village to raise little ones - if my mom lived here then I wouldn’t need to pay for the help and nobody would be judging me. Every nanny I have had has been a wonderful addition to my son’s life and my own. I absolutely could not have done it without them.

Just wanted to add some perspective re why a mother might want to hire a full time nanny (and I didnt even hire a full time nanny strictly speaking)!

WeveGotThis · 22/01/2024 10:12

Fingerscrossedfor2021HK · 22/01/2024 07:37

@nannyofcelebrities Interesting to hear the nanny’s side of things!

I thought I would share an employer’s perspective for some of those questioning how a mother (always the mother being judged) could possibly hand over her child into the care of another. I don’t have a 24/6
arrangement but I did have a long term night nanny with my first.

Our family setup: (I am not in the UK so rates and expectations of the role may differ):

  • My DH and i employed a night nanny for my first baby (7pm to 7am) for the first 6 months. The night nanny was a lifesaver as I had very bad PND and a non-sleeping, very low birthweight baby. I pumped for the first 3 months and because my son took up to an hour to drink a bottle (he could never latch directly) without help I would never have been able to manage.
  • We paid our night nanny roughly £6k per month in UK money - we were in HK at the time and I think were outliers as most families here would have their domestic helper (usually a Filipino lady who is a live in housekeeper) take on baby care. I prefer my helper to focus on housework and to employ a professional maternity nurse to help with infant care.
  • Now that my son is older I have a daily (English) nanny who we pay approx £4k per month to come in for 4 hours per day, 5 days per week to help with my son. I am currently a sahm and this gives me the time to eg go to the gym, shop for groceries, cook fresh meals for my son and go to appointments.
  • I am about to have a second baby and am hoping to go back to work when baby is around 10-11 months old. When s/he is born we will again have a night nanny for the first 12 weeks and we will keep our currently daytime nanny to help with our son.
  • I don’t think my son has more of a bond with his nanny than with me. He has a fantastic time with his nanny but when we go to the gp for his shots he wants mama. If he is sick he wants mama. He runs happily to his nanny when she arrives in the morning but merrily waves her “bye bye” when I come back to take over. What his nanny adds is a person who has 100% energy to play with him, teach him and entertain him - mama will always be there when he is sick or sad.
  • I think that most women would jump at the chance to get some sleep in the first few weeks and months with a newborn (mumsnet is literally stuffed with threads posted by desperate sleep deprived moms!) so I am a little surprised to see how many people are saying how awful it sounds to have a 24/6 nanny!

I admit that reading some of the responses on this thread initially made me feel really inadequate as a mother because I could not have coped without my nannies! Then I remembered all of the friends who opened up about how hard they found the first few months with a newborn and how they would have given anything to get some help. None of the judgment ever seems to be directed at the fathers. Nobody has ever said to my husband that he should spend more time with his son, who he sees for maybe one hour per weekday. It is sad to see so many women judging other women for their choice to pay for help with childcare. I truly believe that it takes a village to raise little ones - if my mom lived here then I wouldn’t need to pay for the help and nobody would be judging me. Every nanny I have had has been a wonderful addition to my son’s life and my own. I absolutely could not have done it without them.

Just wanted to add some perspective re why a mother might want to hire a full time nanny (and I didnt even hire a full time nanny strictly speaking)!

You don't have a 24/6 or 24/7 nanny though. I'm sure most of us would love to be in your position, to have a bit more help in the early days and then a bit of time to catch up on chores or get me-time when our DC is older. Don't feel guilty - you know you're doing your best and you've got the resources to get some help so you don't get overwhelmed, there's nothing wrong with that and many of us would do the same in your shoes. I think what some of us struggle to understand is how any parent can spend no time with their children and comfortably learn no parenting skills because they believe money buys them everything. Maybe no one in your social circle ever says anything judgmental about your husband's attitude but there are plenty of us lower down the ladder who wouldn't be ok with this in a partner. I'd rather my child had quality time with someone than had their money. Having both would be the dream, obviously! Mary Poppins was about that topic and that was 70 years ago - children will always want a relationship with their parents.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/01/2024 14:14

@Fingerscrossedfor2021HK you pay £4k a month for a few hours each day

You could get a full time nanny for that !!

JulieJones1958 · 22/01/2024 18:00

What a great thread this is,soooooooooooooo interesting

Middleagedspreadisreal · 22/01/2024 18:51

Would they mind if they knew you were posting on here?

ShinyPebble32 · 22/01/2024 18:52

Do you see a lot of wild parties/middle class cocaine use?

AmethystSparkles · 22/01/2024 18:55

I don’t have any questions but I think it’s so so cruel for a baby to be looked after by one person 24/7 for a year and expect them to not be completely traumatised by the separation. Then for the same thing to happen over and over again over the course of their childhood.

I’m blaming the parents…I know you do your best. I think it’s extremely abusive.

RaccoonOnTheSofa · 22/01/2024 19:21

God this thread is mega sad. Poor children getting attached to Nannie’s who come in and out of their lives. Not judging you OP, but the whole set up is just so sad. Poor kids.

RaccoonOnTheSofa · 22/01/2024 19:22

AmethystSparkles · 22/01/2024 18:55

I don’t have any questions but I think it’s so so cruel for a baby to be looked after by one person 24/7 for a year and expect them to not be completely traumatised by the separation. Then for the same thing to happen over and over again over the course of their childhood.

I’m blaming the parents…I know you do your best. I think it’s extremely abusive.

This is what I was thinking but didn’t quite say. It’s awful, truly awful. Why do people have children if they’re just going to cast them aside and get someone else to raise them who then disappears and is replaced by someone else fleeting? Those kids just feel so…uprooted all the time. It’s so sad.

Quornflakegirl · 22/01/2024 19:51

Aristocratic families and their estates depend on them having children. I suppose if this is expected of you, you may not have the same bond as most parents have with their children. I am not saying it right but I can understand it.

Daverl1980 · 22/01/2024 19:56

Are you some sort of ninja in unarmed combat and can you kill a man with one finger

Moccasin · 22/01/2024 20:29

Not expecting you to spill full details, but have you witnessed family scandals/dramas/secrets that the Press would go wild to know?

Moccasin · 22/01/2024 20:30

Have any of the dads ever hit on you?

Calliopespa · 22/01/2024 22:01

You mentioned it being normal for nannies to move on and you just have to prepare the children for this. My father’s nanny did not move on to another family but kind of hung about, so much so that she was babysitter ( though not nanny) to all the grandchildren. Do you feel this was a better set up for all? ( it wasn’t for me as I found her a right grumpy old cow by the time I came along, but some of the other grandchildren liked her.)

Calliopespa · 22/01/2024 22:06

And do you prefer some children ( esp within the same family) over others? I know the correct answer is of course not ! But you wouldn’t have the same maternal instinct that ( mostly) prevents this in mothers. And are post partum mums not impossibly volatile to live with?