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AMA

I am a nanny for “VIP families” ask me anything

183 replies

nannyofcelebrities · 20/01/2024 22:18

Name changed for obvious reasons, and while I obviously can’t give identifiable details as to who I work for or I have worked for, I am happy to answer any question anyone might have about what nannying for so called “VIP families” is like in general etc…

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/01/2024 12:46

I do think someone ought to point out the huge difference between a Norland Nanny / Nanny / Maternity Nurse or Nanny / Mother's Help / Au Pair.

as a Nanny is not an uneducated nor migrant worker.

nannyofcelebrities · 21/01/2024 12:53

Riverlee · 21/01/2024 12:43

Have you seen children that are more fond of their nannies than their parents? Effectively their Nannie’s are their mothers. Does this cause any friction? (I believe Harry or William have their nanny who looked after them after Diana died as godmother to one of their children).

I would say that most of the kids are extremely attached to their Nannies, but a not so weird phenomenon happens where they do know who their parents are and do have that instinct to want their attention and love, so it’s rare that a kid would reject a parents for their nanny, because they do live for those moments with their parents, but I would say that Nannies are their safe space and it’s them they rush to for anything they need and they usually aren’t unsettled by not seeing their parents for a while etc… like they love their parents, of course but they just are used to not seeing them much and are often more unsettled by the nanny leaving them for a few days than the parents.

I am not sure who asked me on the thread but usually I do stay in touch with the families and try and see the kids again as much as I can, and every time I can step back in, even for a few days, down the line I do so. I always try and make sure they know they were as important to me as I was to them and they continue to be so after I leave. They are all a part of me, and it’s equally heartbreaking for me to leave them when a contract ends.

OP posts:
EmpressaurusOfTheScathingTinsel · 21/01/2024 12:59

You mentioned that sometimes you can’t wear the clothes you want to. Do some of these parents expect you to wear a uniform or have strict dress codes?

Eledamorena · 21/01/2024 13:24

@nannyofcelebrities no problem with your questions at all!

I'll give figures in Thai baht so you'll have to use XE to compare, but a full time nanny here could be paid as little as 12 or 14000 a month, up to mid 20s. 30 is unusually high. Western foreigners generally pay at the mid-high end; Thai, Chinese, Indian employers are more likely to pay at the lower end and expect more in terms of hours. That is a massive generalisation, of course, but there is some truth to it.

For live-in, all costs should be covered (including all meals, either with the family - though most don't eat with their nannies - or money to sort their own food). My nanny does either, she has access to as much money as she needs for food, toiletries, taxis, getting the kids an ice cream etc. We don't even record it now, she just lets me know if the pot is running low! But if she wants to eat what we're having, or if we go out for a meal or order a taekaway, she is always welcome to join. You do see families out for meals in nice places with their nannies and they don't even get the nanny a drink, let alone a meal. The first time we went out for food during a day out with our nanny, she seemed confused when we gave her a menu and I had to reassure her she could order whatever she wanted. She ordered the cheapest thing, haha! Now she knows she can have what she wants.

So yeah, the pay is dreadful from western standards but nannies on 18 or 20k a month are out-earning much of the Thai population. The minimum wage here is well under 10k a month for 6 day weeks (6 or 7 day weeks are normal here for all low-level workers e.g. factories, restaurants, gardeners). A good employer should give a nanny one month salary as a bonus every year, too (I give more than that but split into 3 payments over the year so I can afford it).

To put it into context, my nanny (young and single) has nice clothes, days out, even little holidays with her friends, a laptop and decent camera... And she has bought land and built a house in her village. She has achieved this in about 3-4 years, as the first year she was with me she was paying most of her salary back to her mum and putting herself through language classes, too. Since those expenses stopped, she has worked on paying for the house. So she has set herself up very well financially while still in her 20s. But the numbers just don't work in a westerner's head!!

For me, the 12/6 was there at first because my husband and I both worked and there is little in the way of daycare here (due to the nanny culture) and no wrap around care at school. So she had my then-youngest from 6.30 when we left for work, and then she was there to help with bath/bed when we got home. Saturdays she didn't always work, but it allowed us huge flexibility to have her available. It took her some getting used to that we would give her time off if she didn't need/want to join us on a day out or whatever. My nanny also keeps the house (washing, ironing, cleaning) but we are very clear that this is only when she has the time. During school holidays, she keeps the house vaguely presentable but I don't care if she hasn't done a 'proper' clean because I know I wouldn't have done so if I'd had my hands full with children all day!! Now they're all in school, so she does a bit of cleaning etc during the morning and then is a nanny from school pick-up til bath time. I'm definitely unusual in how flexible a set-up I have with my nanny, but it works for us. We are very much a team; since I've been on my own I would say she's as much a co-parent as a nanny!

Regarding employing just one person to work such long hours, all I can say is it's totally normal here. There are certainly lots of families (especially rich Thais) who have multiple nannies, housekeepers, a driver etc, but many people have one lady who does the house and helps with the children. Even families with a SAHP. I see more nannies at school pick-up than parents, and this is not because all parents are working. For us, when school runs became tricky with another baby in the mix, I hired one of my nanny's friends on shorter hours so she mostly did the cleaning while my nanny had the baby, then she minded the baby while my nanny did the school run. They just shared out the roles how it worked for them so they both got proper breaks, and it was a great opportunity for her friend because she was able to get experience and a reference from me when we didn't require her anymore, and this led to another job (a good one, with a nice couple!) as a cleaner.

One thing that won't surprise you but might surprise people unfamiliar with this kind of very involved nanny, is that she has also had my children when I work away. So, full responsibility, for 5 whole days, even sleeping with them (2 of them sleep with me and would be horrified at the thought of sleeping alone!!) Of course I gave her a big bonus for this, and I made sure my neighbours were all around in case she needed anything. But I never imagined this before I lived here. I suppose single parents without family support just can't work away without this sort of help and I know I am very lucky to have my nanny.

In terms of holidays, Thai law specifies a certain number of public holidays, maybe 15? So there are many people here who literally work 6 days a week, with the odd random day off, and then 2 or 3 days off in a row for New Year and Thai New Year (in April). And those are the legal ones... There are many who don't even get that. My nanny gets all public holidays as long as I also have them off, plus any time I take my kids away. This varies, it could be 2-3 weeks in addition to the public holidays, or 5-6. Some nannies get lots of holidays when their families are away, so they actively seek employment with foreigners for this perk. Sometimes my nanny wants to come with us - she came to the UK with us last year which cost a fortune but it was a once in a lifetime thing for her and worth every penny. She wasn't really 'working' on this trip as she stayed with another family member (we couldn't all fit in one house) and she could choose what she joined us for and what she wasn't bothered about.

Getting the visa for her to come to the UK was an interesting process... I was advised against applying for a tourist visa as it would likely be rejected, although she was in my opinion going as a tourist, a guest of my family rather than an employee. So we applied for a domestic worker visa. This seemed on the one hand designed to prevent human trafficking and modern slavery, with very detailed questions about her accommodation (would it have a locking door? A window? Ventilation?) and freedom (would she be in possession of her own passport?); on the other hand it seemed like a process to prevent her disappearing and illegally staying in the country (which she would not wish to do in a million years!! She loved visiting but would definitely not want to stay!) And anyway, nobody checked on what we wrote on the forms, so it was all just red tape and wouldn't have kept her safe if we had been trying to traffic her.

I can absolutely believe the stories you've heard about abuse of nannies from developing countries, and for sure it takes place here, too.

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 13:32

I love these AMAs, it gives me an insight into a role that I otherwise wouldn’t know much about, thanks for all your in-depth updates OP

If you ever decide to leave nannying what career would you like to move into?

Setting up a nannying agency?

TheNanny24 · 21/01/2024 13:42

Riverlee · 21/01/2024 12:43

Have you seen children that are more fond of their nannies than their parents? Effectively their Nannie’s are their mothers. Does this cause any friction? (I believe Harry or William have their nanny who looked after them after Diana died as godmother to one of their children).

IME, under 3-6 months most don't massively care who is looking after them.
2s and under normally have a preference for the nanny if parents are hands off.
3ish they desperately want to be with the parents as much as possible even if the parents have little involvement in day to day care.

Lots of employers like to change nannies every couple of years though to avoid the children becoming too strongly attached.

willWillSmithsmith · 21/01/2024 15:35

coldbrightmorning · 21/01/2024 11:22

Reminds me of what Tara Palmer Tomkinson said about her experiences or being a child in a rich family ' Rich people don't do love.'

That’s really sad and probably explains a lot about Tara PT.

nannyofcelebrities · 21/01/2024 18:29

@EmpressaurusOfTheScathingTinsel

yes, either a uniform or often my natural style just wouldn’t work with the environment. They are usually most strict with scent than with clothes but either way, I do know that my natural style wouldn’t necessarily work well with my work.

@Eledamorena Thank you for sharing and answering openly. I guess it’s the conclusion I had come to as a nanny as well, that most families with this set up end up in this set up because it’s the norm in their environment and that they then so get used to it that they couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Even though I am in a similar set up to your nanny and in a similar process (got my own home and working on being financially set up) I am always a bit cautious though to feel like I am being overtly well paid or that the perks of my job makes up for the long hours or are mutually beneficial. As in the end both your nanny and I are dedicating our best years to families who yes house & feed us etc… (but technically only do so because they need so many hours from us that there is no other set up possible) and the hourly rate for the amount of work we do is usually, as you have confirmed it yourself, just about mid-range market rate and really not necessarily on par with the sacrifice and work required.

I think too many families think that they are doing us a favor offering the set up they offer and no doubt that I wouldn’t be where I am at financially without my work. But also no doubt that none of the family I work for would ever do the work I do for the pay they offer. So I just want to gently push back against the idea that 24/6 or 24/7 or 12/6 deals are ever fair deals irrelevant of the set up (especially if the pay is just about market rate) because they aren’t. In the end it’s still asking someone to have no life, and yes people will do it, like I do it because it’s better to make £££ than no money or little money and that sacrifice might lead to a better place long-term but ideally families should want their Nannies to have the opportunity to have their own life and proper rest which just isn’t realistic in a 12hours a day (with a 6am start time) 6 days a week with just about one day to recover and only nights free + yes, like you say I do know that hours usually, almost always do spill over and that it’s not rare that parents go on trips for a week or more and leave you with the kids like they are your own.

I also know that the more other people offer this kind of set up around them the more people feel it’s an appropriate and even fair set up and even start thinking it’s a good deal. Again, just like me I am sure that your nanny focuses on the positive sides and get many things out of it, including traveling, no housing costs and a fair wage for the country. But I will never stop wondering why parents can’t just give 2 days off to their caregiver, especially if they love her and see her as an extension of the family. And it being the norm just doesn’t make it okay to me somehow, because what I have noticed most in my work is that the more we are loved in a family the more irreplaceable we become and somehow the least free time we have because suddenly yes, life without us just seem impossible and I mean it’s beautiful in spirit but I am not gonna lie and say that I haven’t many times thought « if you really care about me/value me/my well-being just think about the fact that I only have no/a day off and give me the odd two days off when you can or a break, don’t trap me in your house on the odd chance you need me and appreciate the fact that I might want to have a life also and need rest just like you. » I get a lot of perks through my job in terms of food etc… but I would swap it all for parents stepping in more and them knowing how to live without me.

again not ranting against you. I truly appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your story and set up. Just wanting to give a nanny perspective because I know countless Nannies and I would say that while we are all grateful for the perks and nice/ kind families (and I know I am) we all, at the same time , just wish those kind of schedules wouldn’t ever be thought of as acceptable

@BlueGrey1 I haven’t thought about it yes though yes having my own nanny agency has crossed my mind. But sometimes I just think I would love to do something completely random. In another life I would definitely be a professional ice skater or part of Cirque du soleil but currently not remotely talented. In this lifetime, post-nannying? I am not sure, but I am excited to find out!

OP posts:
FakeHoisinDuck · 21/01/2024 18:56

What does a typical day look like then?

When my babies were small I went for walks, met friends in cafes etc and then as they got a bit older did toddler groups etc. Are these babies never meeting others or going out and about?

That's what I meant by "posh prison" if you can't go out and see anyone or even do normal carer-of-small-child things.

Does the baby never really leave the nursery then???

And you said you'd seen ill treated nannies. In the UK? In what way?

And yes it does sound like it would be better to pay 2 nannies each 50k and share the job. Then you'd have a colleague and time off. It sounds like you don't get time off really?

And what do you do on your rest day? Presumably sleep if you've had broken sleep for the 6 days. What do the parents do? Have a childminder for the 7th day? Surely they don't do nappies on the 7th day.

It does sound really sad. I was almost in pain if I wasn't with my baby after giving birth. If I'd had money I would have loved an extra pair of hands or a break for a couple of hours in the afternoon. But I wanted my baby!

nannyofcelebrities · 21/01/2024 21:21

FakeHoisinDuck · 21/01/2024 18:56

What does a typical day look like then?

When my babies were small I went for walks, met friends in cafes etc and then as they got a bit older did toddler groups etc. Are these babies never meeting others or going out and about?

That's what I meant by "posh prison" if you can't go out and see anyone or even do normal carer-of-small-child things.

Does the baby never really leave the nursery then???

And you said you'd seen ill treated nannies. In the UK? In what way?

And yes it does sound like it would be better to pay 2 nannies each 50k and share the job. Then you'd have a colleague and time off. It sounds like you don't get time off really?

And what do you do on your rest day? Presumably sleep if you've had broken sleep for the 6 days. What do the parents do? Have a childminder for the 7th day? Surely they don't do nappies on the 7th day.

It does sound really sad. I was almost in pain if I wasn't with my baby after giving birth. If I'd had money I would have loved an extra pair of hands or a break for a couple of hours in the afternoon. But I wanted my baby!

Typical day depends on the family.

Usually the baby has his/her own routine, I am someone who do like to go out so wherever we are allowed to go out, I tend to go at least once or twice a day as otherwise I do feel a bit suffocated inside the house. Some babies/kids are allowed to attend classes and I love that (and so do they) but most of the time my interactions with others is limited to the family and other staff and similar for the kid.

By ill treated I mean Nannies who are overworked and underpaid, usually Filipino Nannies but not solely. Unfortunately while physical abuse is thankfully rare (I think & I hope) in the UK/EU I would say that verbal or financial abuse is extremely common in my field of work. Especially as there is a power imbalance and certain families think they can just get away with anything as who will dare go after them? So I have definitely seen families abuse their position and put Nannies in unfair position or offering unfair work conditions.

On my rest day, you guessed right, I eagerly catch up on sleep and try to get out of the house and do something I don’t get to do the rest of the week and won’t get to do for another week at least like eat at a restaurant, socialize, sometimes just going to buy snacks at the supermarket. It’s crazy but actually when you work 24 hours 6 days in a row or a few weeks in a row and can’t go everywhere you want, you miss just popping out to the store amongst other things. It’s the small things you miss and want to do really. Like wearing my own clothes the way I like it because I am off and they can’t say anything. That’s nice. That’s the only day I feel I am me.

As for what they do on that day. A fair amount of them actually do take the baby themselves for those 24 hours. Others have staff that will step in on that day.

Honestly I am not sure why some of the moms don’t yearn for their child. I know that when I leave usually I anticipate it for weeks previous and really miss the kids, and they aren’t even mine, I just spend 24/7 with them for a few months. But sometimes I think that the body can get used to anything and so that maybe them never really getting to look after their own baby since the beginning just makes it the norm and therefore there is no yearning for it? But I have no idea and I have always wondered as well out of genuine curiosity.

OP posts:
Oohmontydon · 21/01/2024 21:37

Loving this thread OP. Have you seen any of the Paris Hilton programme when they had their baby with what appeared to be a full time nanny? Are there any comparisons with your set ups?

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/01/2024 21:37

So basically you are a mn like me but doing 24/6 for 2/4mths for the very very rich /vip and elite

I don't do 24/6 as no life as basically what you have described

so happy to do nights and work for rich but nice normal people (usually lol)

Do you think as you get older /want a family you can see yourself still being a mn doing nights or a nanny just doing days

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/01/2024 21:39

Comfysock · 21/01/2024 08:49

Seriously you work 24/6? 24 hours a day!!!! Thats surely not right,

That's what many mn do

Obv it's not non Stop and as baby gets older they leave. Have a few weeks off and take a new family

FirstFallopians · 21/01/2024 21:56

Do you get paid more for twins/ triplets, or do you have a flat rate?

Same for a typical nanny- if they’re looking after DC1, do they get an increase in their hourly rate if/when DC2 arrives?

Twolittleloves · 21/01/2024 21:57

lipinkmagic · 21/01/2024 06:51

I'll never understand so called celebrities/millionaires and the like that have kids they then don't raise... it astounds me, as my kids are my world 🌎 bringing them up is an important role that I wouldn't like to pass over to someone else paid or not. No question to ask just thought I'd chime in. Don't mind me...

Its so heartbreaking isn't it....imagine a young child crying for its mummy at night or being unwell and she was on the other side of the world :( Although to be fair there probably isn't the attachment in some cases for that to even happen, and they just get used to crying for the nanny instead, as their primary caregiver :(

I get having a nanny during the day whilst parents are at work, but no child should be without their parent for the 'majority' of the time, especially a young one, and especially 24/7! Those people doing that should really not have children in the first place, and just focus on their careers if that is what they choose comes first... it sounds like these children are just 'trophy kids' who will potentially grow up with alot of attachment and mental health issues :(

FakeHoisinDuck · 21/01/2024 22:09

Yes if yiu think about the trauma we know fostered or adopted kids go through even though they don't remember being separated etc (I know their cases are far more complex and not full of wealth like this but more the attachment issues)

I guess a fair few will use boarding school later.

I'm not sure what the point is? Why have the kids?

FakeHoisinDuck · 21/01/2024 22:09

And thanks OP so much for answering f all my wonderings!! I'm sure I dint phrase things quite right but really appreciating the insight into this world !

FakeHoisinDuck · 21/01/2024 22:11

How do you stay sane ?!

I was exhausted with a baby 24/7 and I did have my husband at times and you're doung this but with no freedom to see friends or go do things or flop and watch TV or go see mum etc.

It sounds really really hard.

FakeHoisinDuck · 21/01/2024 22:11

And sleep?! This is endless broken sleep isn't it?!

Cattenberg · 21/01/2024 22:11

Thank you for answering my questions @nannyofcelebrities . I could never look after newborns for a living, as caring for my colicky baby was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done. I would have loved to have had a night nanny for the first few weeks so I could have got some sleep!

BritneyBookClubPresident · 21/01/2024 22:16

This is so interesting. Thank you for sharing.

So are you only able to sleep when the baby sleeps and on yore day off? Are you constantly tired?

nannyofcelebrities · 21/01/2024 22:25

@Oohmontydon

I haven’t seen it no, but will try and look it up (usually ironically avoid shows with «celebrities » as I just can’t be arsed and also it’s usually very far removed from reality but you said the nanny set up is explained so now I am intrigued!

@Blondeshavemorefun

Hello there, happy to chat with a fellow MN. Do you only do nights then or just a few days a week? Personally I could see myself doing just nights, but also think that once I am ready to move on, I will be ready to move on for good especially if I have my own kids, it would be hard to actually want to work with kids also (I think). But who knows. Maybe I’ll update in a few years to let everyone know where I ended up in the end if I do have my own family!

@Twolittleloves

Most kids in those kind of set up do not cry for their parents at night, basically because they have been used to having the nanny as their caregiver at night so it’s not instinctive to them to ask for their parents and I think in those moments they get equal comfort from the nanny’s presence as it’s their person so to say. All kids require and want attention from their parents and they will ask for it if they are around but otherwise in most cases they are very resilient and are used to the set up they grew up in.

@FakeHoisinDuck

I still wonder myself. Some days are really really hard and I daydream of paying a nanny to replace me for a few hours! But all the small moments and small firsts with the baby make up for the sleep deprivation. It’s rough though and it’s put me off being a stay at home mom (ironically!) but yes it’s years of broken sleep and I now have chronic insomnia I am also a very light sleeper which is good for my job but awful in general so even on my weeks off unfortunately I rarely rest.

@Cattenberg

to be fair I think everyone should be entitled to some help for the first few weeks after birth as mom recovers and it’s a shame it’s currently mainly a luxury.

OP posts:
nannyofcelebrities · 21/01/2024 22:26

BritneyBookClubPresident · 21/01/2024 22:16

This is so interesting. Thank you for sharing.

So are you only able to sleep when the baby sleeps and on yore day off? Are you constantly tired?

Yes and yes. I am continuously tired but the body is amazing and pulls through in amazing way though I do bet I look like I haven’t slept in a decade which is mainly true!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 21/01/2024 22:31

@nannyofcelebrities I only do nights. Have done for 14yrs

Was a sole charge nanny for 20yrs before that

And knew I didn't want to get up own child up at 6am. Do 12hrs of nannying - child fall asleep on way home etx

So went into maternity newborns and nights

You should charge more tho - £330 a day isn't great for 24/6 and even worse if for vip etx

I earn £25ph - £250 for 10hr nights so double what you do and still have a life /put my daughter to bed every night /see my husband etx

BlueGrey1 · 21/01/2024 22:48

Do the mothers ever give you / offer you their expensive hand me downs that they don’t want

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