My therapist became my best friend

[MyTherapistMyFriend]

In therapy for 2 years
friends for 3 years now

Both aware this is unusual and usually considered unethical. But for both of us it felt 100% right. Obviously she is not my therapist now and we discuss nothing that was discussed in our previous relationship.

Wow what a breach of trust.

It is unethical and unwise.

Erm, well if you are happy that is great.

I don’t think there’s an AMA from your side is there?

From hers I can see there would be

I think it is "usually considered unethical" because it is.

Terrible imbalance of power and so wrong

AMA would be "What the hell were you thinking?".

I’m going to guess she stopped being a therapist at this point then as she didn’t understand boundaries, power imbalance, transference, counter transference or her ethical code?

I made an AMA as when I was struggling with what our relationship was I looked up here to see if others had gone through similar.

I don’t feel any breach of trust. She helped me immeasurably on a very specific issue. That will never go away. I have helped her on a traumatic event in her life (post therapy). No hurt on either side. Only positives.

That's awful on her behalf

If you connected I can't see why it's such an issue. Why can't you be friends if the therapy is done?

Poor practice as a therapist

That the problem. You won’t feel a breech of trust.

Which is why it’s unethical 🙄

Thank you - that’s how I felt. She is such a positive in my life.

but I also totally understand the criticism. It is unethical. But there was an undoubted connection for us both. These things in life are rare. Life’s too short for shit friends. Positive relationships are so important.

Hmmm, not a therapist but I've read widely and my girlfriend is one.

I'm not so sure... being "ethical" is a recent development in psychotherapy and therapists know humans are if anything not bound by rules or conventions if they are in a relationship with their own unconcious and contradictions.

If you are both self aware decent humans and that reflects in your friendship...there is nothing unethical because no one is being exploited, has power or in a hierarchy or whatever else over-intellectual liberals like to defend against by stifling and trying to control the unpredictability of life itself.

Actually, what I find more curious are your motives for posting here. Are you not telling all, unsure or looking for something?

@Whu what is transference and counter it stuff please?

My therapist emailed me to check how I’m doing over Christmas as there were no sessions. She’s also said she will keep in touch after I’ve finished therapy. I haven’t asked or thought about the end of it at the moment.

How did you move into friends? Who made the first move?

Actually, what I find more curious are your motives for posting here. Are you not telling all, unsure or looking for something?

I'm not hiding anything at all as far as I’m aware.

maybe I wondered if any others had the same experience?
maybe I wanted to see if people really did think it was bad?
and if it was bad, why?
I struggle to make friends and I she was the first person (other than my husband) I was 100% “warts and all” with and she still liked me. So I think that made me think maybe I don’t have to (unsuccessfully) pretend to be a cool kid to be liked.

How did you move into friends? Who made the first move

one day she said that our relationship was no longer therapeutic and she couldn’t continue. We did text between sessions sometimes. I use humour as a support - she liked my humour.

we had both acknowledged before then we “clicked” but she said it was extremely hard to admit that due to the unethical aspect.

i had said I would struggle without her in my life as she had been such a support. We agreed we’d meet informally every so often and it has gone from there. We don’t live that near each other now so I only see her 2-3 times a year.

she is a truly exceptional therapist (I’ve met enough useless ones) and continues to practice (is very much in demand). without giving reasons as potentially outing I know this was the only time this has happened. She is very, very aware of how some people would view her actions.

It's obviously not professional, but people saying it's unethical and a breach of trust are doing way too much. A relationship is different but it's a friendship. Unprofessional but not really exploitative.

2 years therapist + 3 years friend = 5 years total.

Transference is where a client puts their feelings and past history on to a therapist (positive or negative) and counter-transference is where a therapist does it to the client. By not respecting the role of client/ therapist the therapist is engaged in counter transference - they are letting their own feelings of friendship towards to client to surface inappropriately.
It’s a normal part of therapy to experience transference/ counter transference and one of the reasons boundaries must be maintained and why therapists go to supervision to ensure they are acting within ethical boundaries and being objective towards their clients. I.e not acting upon the feelings and actually befriending them!

It’s very common for therapists and clients to feel a deep connection but very important the relationship is kept professional. Otherwise, it is more boundary blurring for the client and could be career ending for the therapist.

The only case where it could possibly be different would be if many years had passed since the therapy and the 2 met in a different situation but even then I would be wary.

My therapist and I are very very very similar (our husbands do the exact same very demanding job) we have kids going through the same sort of things. I’ve seen her now for over a year. Out of our sessions I think we could have a fantastic friendship BUT she’s my therapist and because she knows me inside out (and I don’t know her inside out) there would be a real imbalance in our friendship. So no; I don’t think it’s right.

What did she mean by the relationship was no longer therapeutic and she could no longer work with you?

Was it that she had reached the end of her remit in a professional sense on the issue you needed help on, and thought you would be better seeking a different therapist or was it more that the boundaries of your relationship has changed?

If she hasn't been open and honest with her supervisor and any regulated body she is a member of this is totally unethical. I meet people professionally in both social work and therapy I'd be friends with in another lifetime but it's a complete breach of boundaries. The friendship can't be ethical because of the power imbalance. She should have put a boundary in before it got to that point. There is a dependency created as you haven't had a proper ending to the therapy and now you have a friendship with a power imbalance. This is a really good example of why counsellors and therapists should have mandatory regulation. I guess one question is are you getting therapy somewhere else now or do you have this weird half friend half therapist relationship. And what do you actually do together

The day my therapist turned to me and said "I think in different circumstances we'd be great friends" my heart sunk. I knew instantly that for me we were done. But I was very much still requiring therapy so not identical circumstances. It wouldn't ever work for me though.