My therapist became my best friend

[MyTherapistMyFriend]

In therapy for 2 years
friends for 3 years now

Both aware this is unusual and usually considered unethical. But for both of us it felt 100% right. Obviously she is not my therapist now and we discuss nothing that was discussed in our previous relationship.

The lack of surrounding culture is indeed why I think it feels odd now. There are ‘supposed’ to be other people around & a community who all ‘owe’ something to the wise woman. These people channel the love into making an awesome and vibrant culture around the wise woman. This avoids getting stuck in the 1:1 relationship that has run its course as ‘therapy’ but for all the reasons you’ve described above, isn’t a real friendship.

You are never supposed to ‘leave’ your wise woman - but eventually you graduate to being the person who is in the kitchen fixing up the cups of tea for the new arrivals - rather than continuing to be ‘needy’.

If we’re saying ‘your gut will tell you when it’s wrong’ - framing us as ‘friends’ feels odd - but the idea of never chatting to her again feels awful.

In terms of her take - she found it funny when I said that that’s basically who she was for me. (My childhood wise woman was a very colourful character - on the face of it completely different from my white-bread friend).

However - I’ve seen social media posts of hers get 100 heartfelt responses. She naturally is someone who people gather around. I presume some of these people react and move on - and others have a deeper connection.

There is one of her, but many of me. She can surf that. If I can’t - she certainly wouldn’t chase me to come back - but it also feels like she’ll never push me out of the door.

It’s basically exactly the wise woman dynamic I recall from my childhood - but with Internet.

Internet, of course, being no small factor in why nice things can get weird sometimes.

I don't think I mean listen to your gut as such - I think the gut can be very useful but can also lie to us. I think I mean something along the lines of doing the intuitive, easy-to-slip-into thing is not necessarily the best.
I suppose in a way one 'graduates' from therapy to become that person making the cups of tea, but in a different kitchen, iyswim.

The struggles you're now having navigating this all are part of the reason why she shouldn't have let this happen. The therapeutic relationship can be hard labour when you're in it, because of all the things it reveals about how you operate outside that relationship and why. But it shouldn't cause you any (more) emotional work afterwards.

There is one of her, but many of me

I find this statement interesting - I hope you don't mind me picking it out. I would have thought it would be the other way round. She sounds as if she may be many things to many people (and tbh I'm not sure, just from your description of the SM following etc, that she'd be someone I would personally trust). But there's one of you, your coherent self, your story, which you helped to understand better during the time you were with her. And now that coherent self can go forward into other things.

I don't want to go too far here - I'm certainly not a therapist (just a fairly seasoned client) and I don't know you or your situation. So I don't think I can say much more. I also get the clash of cultural models here. But I'm afraid I still think she has acted unethically and I'd be worried that a dependence remains, or the potential for a new one to emerge.

I'd be worried that a dependence remains, or the potential for a new one to emerge.

Yes - this is totally the case on both counts. Honestly - one of my big fears about ‘leaving’ her is that I’d rapidly get hoovered up by a cult. I came to her out of an all-consuming relationship that near-on killed me. I’m largely estranged from my birth culture while really missing the warmth and community and belonging.

She’s incredibly consistent with her messaging that I am capable and likeable and doing well and on top of things. She never implies that I need her or she needs me or that I need to change to earn her love.

It’s weird that I’m so bonded - but she’s intrinsically a stable and wholesome person.

I think my existential wound is obvious like a neon sign. I fear that if I cut off this bond just ‘because I should’ - it will eventually get replaced by a bond to someone or something else - and that might be much more harmful.

This is so fucked up.

Sure @FfsBrian - can’t dispute that - but it’s my life - and the fucked-uppedness stretches way beyond this one individual relationship.

I think my existential wound is obvious like a neon sign. I fear that if I cut off this bond just ‘because I should’ - it will eventually get replaced by a bond to someone or something else - and that might be much more harmful.

This says to me that you're not done with therapy yet - but you need to re-enter it with someone else. Her actions (not yours) have damaged your therapeutic relationship (I mean that in its specific, 'technical' sense) beyond recovery.

I have tried. Really I’ve tried - not for the reasons you gave - but because it felt unfair on my friend to not have another person.

It’s gone really badly.

I’ve had feedback like @FfsBrian gave me - that my stuff was just ‘too much’. I’ve had people who’ve been really opinionated on their views - and trying to constantly get me to ‘do’ stuff - on top of all the other stuff. People who’ve been kind but I was just paying to educate them. People who don’t get my culture and start labelling normal-for-us with ugly and unhelpful labels. Told me that I had to simplify my life, but went quiet when I asked them which vulnerable person who depended on me I was supposed to cut out.

I understand your concern for the ethics of my situation - because some of the people above left me feeling really hurt. Destabilised me. Made me feel that I was broken because I wasn’t matching up to their book learning. Just flat out taken my time and money - without giving me anything back in return.

I’m a bit ‘like’ my friend, that I have a lot of people ‘around’ me, who speak highly of my stability and sensible approach. It’s hard to seek support for something ‘clear’ for myself - because I live in a web of history and social complexity.

I kind of think that that is why this lady ‘kept’ me. During actual therapy - a large of the time I was telling her about other people. Stuff I couldn’t say IRL because of privacy - but that was massively over my head and experience.

She did support me and soothe a lot of my demons - but also she’d … kind of supervise me …? If that makes sense …? She’d hear out my story - and then give me a 5 point plan for how I could deal with the person fairly, but without losing my mind.

All the other therapists think that the situations are nuts. They are (a bit like the tone of some of this thread) obsessed with how things ‘should be’ rather than how they ‘are’.

I’m a lost soul who gathers lost souls around her.

Nah. Not good at all.

Can you give the first initial of her first name ?