My therapist became my best friend

[MyTherapistMyFriend]

In therapy for 2 years
friends for 3 years now

Both aware this is unusual and usually considered unethical. But for both of us it felt 100% right. Obviously she is not my therapist now and we discuss nothing that was discussed in our previous relationship.

I don't really get why it's so unethical to be friends when the therapist is no longer her therapist?

@MailMe1 sorry I didn’t mean to ignore your posts. Thank you for at least understanding a bit but i do understand your position and why you feel my therapist is wrong.

I know that in principle she is wrong. But sometimes just being a human gets in the way.

@EarringsandLipstick your summary is incorrect. There was no binary moment when we went from client/therapist to friends. She did not simply acquiesce to a request for friendship the moment my therapy ended.

It's a possibility but needs careful management.

It's not a relationship of equals at the start - a key question is what is making both parties believe there's a basis for a friendship?

There needs to be a gap, a resetting & a chance for a true friendship to develop.

I know a lot, in some senses about my counsellor & her life. But clearly only on one level. She's helped me address significant trauma. I am so grateful to her for her help. But we're not friends, even tho the potential in a different world might be there.

Can you explain why definitively you believe she had not behaved this way with any other clients?

@Talkwhilstyouwalk it's also about power. The professional sets the tone, boundaries and expectation of the relationship. In the ops case, they then decide to terminate this alliance, and offer something completely different. They have the power to do this and the client has none. The op felt a bond with their therapist so accepted the new terms as a means of continuing the relationship. This has been experienced as a positive outcome. But I wonder what therapeutic possibilities there could have been, had op recieved proper therapy, which is what she sought in the first place.

@MyTherapistMyFriend you have said friendship happens and that life is hard enough without turning down good friendships. Which feels like what you have both told yourselves to feel better about this. Do you hear how similar that narrative sounds to people excusing affairs? It's seedy, murky and wrong.

She did not simply acquiesce to a request for friendship the moment my therapy ended.

Well, what did she do?

And even that sentence says a lot - she shouldn't be 'acquiescing' to your 'request' anyway, that's not how a friendship works.

I'm not saying that you aren't both getting something from your friendship now, but I'm really sad that you have a friend, that you clearly value highly, who behaved so unethically. I suspect there is a significant imbalance in how important the friendship is to you, and her.

@mikado1 honestly cos our husbands do the same job she can relate to me better than other therapists. And kids her’s are slightly older so it’s more of a been there done that vibe, I think she’s brilliant but we can’t be friends & don’t need to be! She’s my therapist!

Excellent post.

@Chocolatepuffery

Do you hear how similar that narrative sounds to people excusing affairs? It's seedy, murky and wrong.

Seriously? I simply cannot believe you are comparing this to an affair? Who am I betraying? Who is she betraying? It’s a friendship FFS.

are you practising soap-opera script writing?

I think it's about the way it happens as well. Say I was someone's therapist and then therapy ended and then 5 years later our paths crossed in a different context say through a hobby and over time a friendship developed, although not ideal I'd perceive that v differently from what has happened here.

I'm struggling to understand what you intended to get out of this thread. Surely you knew you'd have people raising concerns about the ethics of your relationship? Wasn't that the point of you doing this AMA - the taboo nature of a professional therapeutic relationship becoming a close friendship? Yet you seem so shocked that people are shocked?!

@EarringsandLipstick

And even that sentence says a lot - she shouldn't be 'acquiescing' to your 'request' anyway, that's not how a friendship works.

I know!!!! That’s why I stated that’s explicitly not what happened? You are actively looking to read between lines - I don’t do that - I’m direct.

why do so many people patronise autistic people so much? Just because I’m autistic doesn’t mean my judgement and opinions are invalid. I simply don’t live my life conforming to neurotypically created societal norms. It’s doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

I think she has betrayed you, as the therapist client relationship has certain boundaries which she chose due to her own interests to cross. Maybe in your case it's totally fine, and no damage has been done, but ultimately when you entered into that therapeutic relationship there were certain perimeters around that to protect everyone and as the professional it was her job to manage that, and she didn't do that.

@Blanketenvy

Yes, absolutely.

As I say, my own counsellor and I have various overlapping connections. Sometimes the real world becomes part of our therapeutic one (a close friend of both of us, completely separate & coincidental connection, had a very sad bereavement so we met at certain points in that context. While both acknowledged each other & spoke of it, the boundaries were still clear and easily recognised)

She's older than me, but she's absolutely someone in another life I'd enjoy a coffee & a chat with.

There would definitely have to be a complete break & some coincidental meeting but even then, I could be friendly I suspect, but never a friend. Not truly.

why do so many people patronise autistic people so much?

I'm not patronising you.
And my responses have nothing to do with your autism or otherwise.

This was your sentence:

She did not simply acquiesce to a request for friendship the moment my therapy ended.

That's the point. Not doing that is not sufficient to make this an ethical relationship (from her perspective). That's not the bar.

You earlier said:

i had said I would struggle without her in my life as she had been such a support. We agreed we’d meet informally every so often and it has gone from there.

So you did ask for the continued contact as you'd struggle without her. She agreed to this, on an informal basis.

You did all the requesting and she agreed - it's all kind of wrong.

It’s doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

You aren't wrong. She is.

lol at the people getting on their high horse in this thread but also OP / you knew this would stir up opinion which is why you started it.

I personally think life's too short and if two consenting adults want to be friends then crack on.

and if two consenting adults want to be friends then crack on.

Oh come on.

They aren't 'two consenting adults'. They are a therapist & client with professional and ethical responsibilities, on the part of the therapist.

@herewegoroundtheblueberrybush

honestly I didn’t at all expect to stir this up! I thought others would say the same! But I guess that shows how naive I am……

I really do feel like an alien at times.

No you didn't.

Your OP said Both aware this is unusual and usually considered unethical.

You fully understood this was not a common or acceptable situation, in the main.

Hence 'AMA'.

But why did you want to be friends in the first place? You may have had a few things in common, but surely you knew very little about her life at that point?

assuming she had professional boundaries, her private life would be unknown to you. I had a fantastic therapist, I felt we had a real connection but apart from the fact that she had stepchildren but no kids of her own (and I’m not even sure how many steps she had) I hardly knew anything about her.

If I did ask her any personal questions, she would give a brief answer, if it was relevant to what we were discussing, and then guide the conversation back to topic.

I'm honestly surprised you didn't get this reaction.

When I had an overwhelming desire to be friends with my therapist I googled "can I be friends with me therapist?" and the things that have been said on this thread came up over and over and over again.

You clearly didn't do that research so I'm sorry your therapist let you down by not talking through all of these factors. She absolutely should have.

No one is criticising YOU they are commenting on your therapist's lack of care for you.

Good points @aliasname

I'm seeing my counsellor for many years now. I know quite a few things about her, including her children etc. she's also disclosed some information relevant to the topic we are discussing, which has built a connection.

But I don't know anything more than that eg her true feelings or struggles or anything in anyway intimate - in the way a friend would share. Obviously.

I suspect the friendship here is far more on OP's side, but it's very wrong for the therapist to have blurred boundaries to even create this confusion.

No need to be snipey. This is your thread where you invite questions, about what is quite controversial to those of us who have been in therapy. If you read my earlier post I suggested you speak to your current therapist about this, as I think you need support thinking this through more.

I didn't say you were having an affair or betraying anyone. I said the story you have told yourself about this relationship sounds like the story people who have affairs tell themselves, sounding similar to 'its meant to be' 'too good to say no to' etc

We have differences of opinion but no need to be rude

I apologise for being snipey. My comment was uncalled for especially in an AMA. I’m just getting frustrated at the extrapolation.

I probably shouldn’t have started this. Was considering asking for it to get pulled but I’ll leave it be.

thanks all.

Hi @MyTherapistMyFriend i know you came onto an AMA, and fair enough. You would not expect to be judged. I think though people are not judging you. They are I would say worried for you, it’s just such an imbalance of power. You don’t start on an equal footing.

Can I ask is she a Psychotherapist? Not a counsellor?