My therapist became my best friend

[MyTherapistMyFriend]

In therapy for 2 years
friends for 3 years now

Both aware this is unusual and usually considered unethical. But for both of us it felt 100% right. Obviously she is not my therapist now and we discuss nothing that was discussed in our previous relationship.

Op I'm really shocked at this. You're therapist (ex therapist / current friend) has behaved very unfairly and unprofessionally towards you. You were not seeking friendship, you were seeking therapy - healing regarding your internal world and beliefs about yourself, and deeper self awareness and self compassion.. a healthy and appropriate outcome would have been that the therapeutic process allowed you to understand that you are likeable, worthy, etc. And you could have gone forth into the world with new, more positive beliefs about yourself. But no, your therapist became entangled in your therapy, and positioned herself into your life. I'm actually quite aghast. Good therapy provides a safe container to be all parts of you. Professionals boundaries are vital for this safety. I'm just speechless actually.

Very unprofessional and frankly dangerous.

Who needed who more? Highly unethical and sorry but she's either a dreadful therapist or friend or maybe both.

Are you in a relationship?

I'm a therapist and view this as being both unprofessional and unethical on your therapist's part. I've worked with plenty of people I could have theoretically been friends with in a different context, but would never cross that boundary. At the point of you transitioning to "friends" there would have been a huge power imbalance, as your therapist would know a lot of potentially personal and vulnerable information, but you would not have had the same knowledge of her. (If you did feel the openness was matched then I'd suggest she'd been over sharing in her therapist role).

I'm glad you get on as friends, but to have ended up here she's demonstrated poor boundaries as a therapist, I can see many others here feel the same.

So does she pay you when you listen to her?

My cousin experienced this. Utterly horrific as she was so vulnerable. Ended up as more than friend ship with the therapist and effectively was grooming.

I've been a patient feeling that stuff on both sides but I know that if the professional changed the relationship - they can because they have all the power. Ie you couldn't have done the same thing she did.

Power imbalance and utterly wrong.

Interesting thread.

I love my therapist. Like, actually love her. But I know very little about her and she knows everything about me. I don’t want to have a life without her, but I know one day I will because that’s the way it goes. I feel sad about that when I think about it.

I didn’t have a secure attachment to my mother, and she’s helped me work through that and shown me true empathy without judgement (well, she may have judged but didn’t show it!) over the years we’ve worked together.

I haven’t had that before, and I feel heartbroken that one day I won’t know her. I also feel sad that I don’t really know her anyway - but absolutely see how knowing her would be inappropriate and actually quite odd now. There is such an imbalance.

It’s a funny dynamic, therapy, isn’t it?

This is totally 109% inappropriate behaviour by your therapist. She is certainly breaking the rules of her professional body, assuming she is properly qualified and accredited. Disgusting behaviour on her part and you deserve better than that OP.

My therapist is a great person to know and if he wasn't my therapist, I'm sure I'd like to know him socially.
Obviously therapy is hard work, but we often find ourselves roaring with laughter during sessions!
I really appreciate the work we have done/are doing but yes, professional boundaries must be kept.

Since this is Ama..

Looking back, at what point in your therapy did it begin to feel like lines were being crossed? (This is something she may be more aware of as she -supposedly- holds the professional space..)

What does she say about this happening?

Does she talk to you about her other clients?

Do you keep this a secret from people? If not, how do they react in real life?

How do YOU feel about it all?

She's both unprofessional and unethical imo.

I recently finished two years of DBT with a fabulous therapist, best I've ever had. I firmly believe the therapy was successful because we gelled. I said to her, in the real world I think you and I would be really good friends. She laughed and said we probably would. When my therapy came to an end, we hugged, wished each other well and haven't been in contact since.

Are you and your friend/ex therapist fairly young? Is your therapist still working? Has she had many clients or has she recently qualified?

To answer a few questions:

1. no we are not in a relationship. Both very happily married. Husbands have met each other several times.
2. my husband knows she was my therapist. He thinks she is a great friend to me.
3. there was no specific point I realised we had bonded. But unlike every other mostly shit therapist I’ve had, I felt immediately at ease with her. She was a phenomenal therapist.
4. she is very very aware of ethics etc; she says she absolutely hates the way in which we met. But we encounter so many shit people who are such negative influences in our life that when you meet someone who brings a positive element (in a friendship way) then it’s hard to ignore that
5. she is a highly experienced and regarded therapist. I know virtually all of you have said she’s terrible and must be awful but she is always fully booked. She is an extremely caring person.
6. both of us are over 50
7. she tells me absolutely nothing about any other clients of course. I seriously can’t believe that question was asked. If she did tell me it would be end of friendship as it would be a demonstration of very unethical and unprofessional behaviour.
8. There is no therapeutic aspect to our friendship. I have a new therapist (recent - not as a replacement) and we don’t talk about that at all.
9. she has brought only positives in my life. She has been there for me when other friends have not. She has not in any way damaged me. I have been helpful to her in very difficult times too.
10. i feel much happier with her in my life. Friendships are hugely difficult for me (diagnosed autistic). I’m not (I don’t think) a very demanding friend - I’m happy seeing friends every few months. Texting in between. I’m quite a solitary person - though that’s partly self protection as I’ve been hurt by not understanding neurotypical behaviour.

im fairly sure that what I’ve said is unlikely to move anyone’s view of her. I understand why - I really do. But I don’t believe anyone has been adversely impacted as a result of our friendship - only positives have come of it. I most certainly do not feel taken advantage of at all. It’s highly unusual, prima facie unethical/unprofessional but sometimes a deep human connection cannot be ignored.

Which professional bodies is she a member of? BACP or another?

This makes me so angry because it is so blatantly immoral and unethical.

@MyTherapistMyFriend i find this so so odd. I just don’t see how your therapist has done this without risking her job?

Are you sure she’s your friend?

I find this even more shocking now you have shared that you are autistic and have struggled with friendships in the past. I see this as a real exploitation of your vulnerability.

Op I find it interesting that you have a strong reaction to my question about whether she tells you about other clients as, in your words, that would be a breach of professional boundaries, yet the way she has behaved with you in just that.

As warm, empathic and kind as she may be, without the foundation of strong boundaries, she is not a good therapist. She sounds like a lovely person, on the surface, but a terrible therapist. I am cynical though and suggest that how lovely she is, is actually a form of manipulation. Noone is amazing, and if you feel this way about someone it highlights a power imbalance in your relationship, to pedestalise someone like that. We are all OK, flawed, have some brilliant qualities and and shitty things about us. That is being human. In my view it's a red flag to find someone totally wonderful. (But like I say, I'm cynical and this has been one of my greatest learnings from relationships so maybe I'm projecting)

Always being fully booked doesn't prove anything either. It demonstrates people want to work with her, but it's hard to quantify whether someone is a good therapist or not as this depends on individuals experience of the therapeutic process.

** This:

I struggle to make friends and I she was the first person (other than my husband) I was 100% “warts and all” with and she still liked me. So I think that made me think maybe I don’t have to (unsuccessfully) pretend to be a cool kid to be liked.

and this:

Friendships are hugely difficult for me (diagnosed autistic). I’m not (I don’t think) a very demanding friend - I’m happy seeing friends every few months. Texting in between. I’m quite a solitary person - though that’s partly self protection as I’ve been hurt by not understanding neurotypical behaviour.

Are EXACTLY why what she's done (not you) is awful. Truly awful. If you had a massive, strong friendship group it would be bad, but your vulnerability is lack of such a group and she's exploited that for her gain - she wanted a friendship.

She had the power and control here and she used them to get what she wanted. She decided to throw ethics to the wind and satisfy her desire for a friendship. She was the one who could say no. She's the one who knows that many (most) clients develop friendly/warm feelings for their therapist and that's normal. She knows that many therapists like many of their clients. She knows that she made you feel special by being "the one" she chose to be friends with, assuming she truly hasn't done it before/since. Honestly, it's absolutely abhorrent.

I feel bad crapping on what is a dear friendship, but you're her secret. She can't and won't be open about how she met you. If you were to ever see her with professional friends of hers, you'd feel compelled to lie about how you know her. She'd certainly lie, or be vague.

You are a sweetheart. You've done nothing wrong.

She VERY MUCH has done something wrong.

Does she know that you are posting about this on MN?

If you are so sure that this is acceptable behaviour on her part then maybe you should contact the professional body that she is affiliated to and ask them what they think?

The fact you're posting about this seems to indicate that there's part of you trying to make sense of this, OP.

What's obvious to me is that this seemingly wonderful person who can do no wrong is knowingly breaching professional codes and ethical boundaries. And the ending of the relatiionship (a significant part of therapy that often does stir difficult feelings for both therapist and client) is nowhere in sight.

If she is BACP registered, she is breaking all the rules in the book and should be struck off. . If she isn’t? Well. You wasted your money seeing her and now you just have a new “friend” with an agenda. it’s unhealthily, unprofessional and wrong. Transference is real…she knows you but you don’t know her? As a professional, exploring vulnerable people is always wrong.

Unethical and if their membership organisations became aware they'd likely lose their registration.

So my question is, why would they make such a decision when it goes against the code of ethics?

The fact that you struggle with friendships makes her decision to be friends with you even worse.

How would you feel if, you found out she had several friendships with people she met as clients and his that from you?

Does she tell people in the industry about your friendship?

Deeply unethical - it means she cannot maintain boundaries in her professional capacity. That has implications for clients who come after you.

Exactly the same situation happened with someone in a friendship group I've had for decades. She became close friends with her therapist after many years of therapy. She even asked could "Sandra" come on a holiday with some of us.

She came and we really didn't like her at all - she was very dominant in her relationship with our friend, who lacks self confidence and was looking to her for validation a lot. Sandra made no attempt to really communicate with any of the rest of us- it was clearly a very emeshed and codependent relationship.

So my question is, what do your other friends think of her?