My therapist became my best friend

[MyTherapistMyFriend]

In therapy for 2 years
friends for 3 years now

Both aware this is unusual and usually considered unethical. But for both of us it felt 100% right. Obviously she is not my therapist now and we discuss nothing that was discussed in our previous relationship.

As a retired psychotherapist this is definitely unethical and a massive abuse of the therapeutic relationship. The fact that the OP indicates to me that she has effectively been 'groomed' by her so called friend.

Over the years I sometimes saw clients I liked very much and I am sure if I had met them under different circumstances we would have become good friends. However I would never have considered breaking the professional boundaries (put in place to protect clients ) to follow up on that.

I absolutely would not trust this woman. If she is prepared to break this very firm professional boundary what other abuse of trust is she capable of?

Well said.
I hope the OP will come back and respond to your post.

Incredibly, psychology is an unregulated profession unlike medicine. What you're describing is unethical.

I think most reputable therapists would be members of a professional body such as BACP which have strict rules.

Are you in love with her? Because your descriptions sound like someone in love.

Ok there is a very high level of inaccurate and melodramatic extrapolation going on

I wasn’t groomed!! I am autistic but don’t have learning difficulties. Having been hurt by many mean people throughout my life I’m incredibly guarded. I’ve had distinctly negative therapy so I’m particularly sceptical about therapists. I categorically was not groomed.

im not in love with her. I love her for sure as I do my very very few other friends. I have met her husband, children (adults) other friends and family. She has met my husband and kids. She hasn’t met my Friends as they live far away from me. The only time my other friends met each other was at my hen do and wedding.

there is nothing sinister. I have very good reason to believe that she certainly does not do this all the time (can’t disclose as I’m trying to keep this completely neutral and non-outing) but I know this is not in any way a regular thing for her.

im really really happy with the way things have turned out. I don’t think there’s the drama
level that some here are suggesting.

You don’t have to have learning difficulties to be groomed.

It does sound very unhealthy. And the fact that you struggle with social interaction does make you more vulnerable.

I am ND. It’s not a judgement. Even if you don’t think you are vulnerable. She should have stepped back and not pursued a friendship given the circumstances.
In a healthy friendship you wouldn’t have a clue about the nature of every friendship your friend has.

I bet my best friend has no clue who I am friends with from work. How the detail of how I met all my other friends that aren’t mutual friends.

You didn’t answer how you would feel?

How do you feel about the therapists who have posted to confirm that it is totally unethical and inappropriate for your therapist to have formed this friendship with you?

It doesn't matter how happy you are with the way things have turned out. She behaved in a way not befitting of her occupations. She has broken the rules of every counselling membership body out there. She has directly contravened her training and behaved entirely inappropriately.

Whether you view it that way or not is irrelevant. She should not be a therapist having done what she's done. She's crossed that boundary with you and is likely to do it again.

@Wheresthefibre you are asking me to answer a hypothetical question to which I know the answer. She has not done this with lots of clients. I know this. If she had done it once or twice before I don’t think it would bother me. But she hasn’t.

@Calendarspeaking i respect their opinion but it is not going to make me end a very positive friendship. My life would not be better without her. It would be worse. I think hers would be worse without me. I really don’t see the problem.

You simply can not know that’s she could have done it many times and not be friends with any of them now.

People can be married to people for years and year and not know things about them. If you truly believe you know so much detail about her life and know it as fact, not what she has said, then that suggests a very unhealthy friendship.

of course it’s a hypothetical question. But you could still answer. I suspect you know it would make you feel differently about her. And you wouldn’t feel so ‘special’. Again, that suggests it’s not a healthy friendship. It’s based on her making you feel unique and extra special because she is taking the risk for you

Did you answer whether she is actually registered with anyone to do her job?

Op you have you discussed this with your current therapist? I think it could be useful place to unpack all of this. As you can see there's a lot of shock on this thread about the behaviour / conduct of your previous therapist and maybe its making you feel protective of her.. when people here are concerned about how you've been treated. You say its been beneficial, positive for you, but I do urge you to question this more deeply within the safety of your current therapy.

Not great that you know this level of detail about her tbh.. Some clients could feel burdened with the therapist's own life/experienced, could feel they have to empathise with the therapist etc.

I'm genuinely glad for you that so far this is feeling like a positive relationship.
However as a therapist myself it's quite shocking. Of the hundreds of patients I have worked with there have been some that I have thought in different circumstances we could be really good friends or people that I see an awful lot of myself in, but my job is to acknowledge that internally (and/or in supervision) and not to act on it. As a client myself I've also thought that I'd like to be friends with a therapist I had but fundamentally your relationship is based on a real imbalance of power and ultimately it is unethical and goes against any code of practice by any of the counselling or therapy bodies. Sometimes things don't ^feel wrong at the time, but it doesn't mean they aren't.

Op, you asked if anyone had been through similar.

Me.

I got incredibly dependent on my therapist and there was chatting messaging etc.

I ended the therapy after 3 years and sent a letter explaining it was because I deeply wanted to be friends.

They replied and said we could be. We saw each other a few times but I always wanted a closer friendship than they could offer and in the end I went cold Turkey and cut them out completely, just ghosted them but it took me 2 years of 'friendship' to get to that point.

I did it because I knew their behaviour was inappropriate and unprofessional and it was harming me.

The biggest red flag in your post is your title saying she is your 'best friend'.

She isnt, you just wish she was.

Was she a registered accredited therapist?

I really hope not. Its so difficult when others in our profession behave like this.

Why did she ignore all ethics of her job for you OP? I don't mean that rudely at all! 'You' could be anyone. What I mean is why didn't she just start a hobby and find friends that way if she needed some? Why did she break all her professional bodies rules for a possible friendship with someone who knew almost nothing about her? What did she need from you that she couldn't get from other friends whilst keeping things professional with you?

This is a huge abuse of you IMO. You are vulnerable because you are autistic and struggle with friendships and people accepting you. As a therapist IMO she should be helping you with the issues that make it more difficult for you to make friends, helping you understand and navigate an NT world. Not becoming your friend because you click. What makes her click with you? I understand why you feel such a bond with her of course - but what's she getting out of this?

My worry would be that she collects vulnerable people like other people collect pets.

I knew you were going to say you were autistic after your first post. Is your therapist also ND?

I'm not going to write anything more than: your therapist is in the wrong and I understand why people are talking in terms of grooming.

All of this.

I'm really sorry for OP to read about such an unethical approach by a professional. This isn't a genuine friendship.

My counsellor also acknowledged, in the context of a wider conversation on my feelings of being likeable or otherwise, that in a different context, we could perhaps have been friends. We actually have some overlap in our lives - acquaintances / friends in common (Ireland is small!) but while these are acknowledged, the boundaries are completely maintained, and I never feel vulnerable about those connections.

She has at times gone beyond typical therapist boundaries eg being available for a call when I was in court in a very difficult divorce and was very alone. But again, she's carefully maintaining boundaries & I feel we are both aware of them.

They are pretty toothless. Transgressions are often reprimanded with reflective essay-writing, etc.

I understand some of what you're going through OP. I had an amazing connection with my therapist. We had so much in common and our conversations were often the highlight of my week. The feeling was clearly mutual. He used to say I was very different from his other clients, that I was completely unique, and that he felt guilty taking money from me. He invited me to a social event and said he thought we should move away from counselling. I was interested, tempted, flattered. He made me feel great and even now I still have good feelings when I think of him. But his behaviour was hugely unethical and with a heavy heart I knew that I had to cut all contact. By suggesting a friendship he was putting his interests above mine as his client. He should have been protecting me by upholding the boundaries that make therapy so powerful and healing, but instead he threw all of that to the birds. I'd love to be friends with him, but I can't look past his carelessness for my wellbeing that led him to do what he did. It's not how a person of integrity behaves, and who would want to be friends with someone like that?

Correct.

And in fact there are very few 'strict rules' there is an ethical framework that is open to interpretation.

There is no hard and fast rule that you can't be friends with your ex client.

But it's a terrible idea and unethical.

i can’t see the rule on the BACP website that condemns the friendship I have to the extent that most of you are suggesting

sexual relationships are forbidden which absolutely makes sense

the rule on friendships states:
a. we will exercise caution before entering into personal or business relationships with former clients

https://www.bacp.co.uk/events-and-resources/ethics-and-standards/ethical-framework-for-the-counselling-professions/building-an-appropriate-relationship/#:~:text=We%20will%20not%20have%20sexual,%2C%20physically%2C%20sexually%20or%20spiritually.

That’s not exactly the crucifixion that many of you seem to be suggesting?

I have not been groomed.

Hi OP I’ve messaged a couple of times now on here, I although think my therapist is superb I just can’t see how she could be my friend. I’ve had 50 sessions with her now so she knows so much about me! I know snippets of her life eg our husbands do the same job I think I mentioned before possibly I think if I knew more we could be friends. But goodness me it’s such a different relationship to a friendship. I don’t get how you went from her being your therapist to being friends.

That's a very selective quote OP. If you read the fuller text, it talks about the stages in a relationship following therapy.

It's reasonable to imagine that after the conclusion of a therapeutic relationship, some clients / therapists may find themselves in a social or professional setting together.

That's not what happened here. The therapist ended the sessions; OP asked for ongoing contact as she'd found her such a support; therapist agreed and the friendship evolved.

There was no proper conclusion of the therapeutic relationship & establishment of space & boundaries.

There's a power imbalance there, which wasn't properly addressed.