I went to boarding school when I was 7, ama

[Puffykins]

In response to the many threads I have seen that seem to presume that anyone who went to boarding school so young would be psychologically damaged - I'm not (I don't think!), and have a good relationship with my parents, my husband, a successful career etc. And, although I missed my parents, I also loved school.

Exactly this. I navigated puberty and periods through discussing with my friends. I felt so embarrassed talking to my family. I do think we are all more open nowadays but I still have very open friends who get upset that their daughters wont talk to them about periods, sex etc.

@Blueisthecolour1

I absolutely agree. I'm not doubting some may have had a a good time boarding and I'm pleased for them, but there is no job or reason in the world that I could have that would make me willing to sacrifice raising my child myself.

Love, physical affection and the general care that only a parent can give cannot be outsourced and no peers or matron can replace it.

@Puffykins thank you for answering my questions here, and everyone's questions, its really interesting to learn more about this.

2 weeks ago DH drove a 5 hr round trip because our 19y was unwell away at University and wanted to come home.

The whole way through this thread, I’ve thought over and over again ‘but you’re outsourcing your kids, why is this okay for you?!’ I assume it must be okay and not seen as outsourcing or it wouldn’t be done, but for me, no. I wouldn’t do it in a million years. However, I appreciate I come from a totally different background where this kind of thing isn’t done and that’s where I’m coming from.

What I feel most strongly is that boarding schools are businesses and that kids are profit generators. Do I want a business to raise my kid for a profit? Absolutely not.

@Namechange224422 any time!
@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 @Blueisthecolour1 - I totally respect your points of view and understand that you wouldn't choose boarding school; but also, I (and other parents) are not outsourcing the raising of our children. It's more nuanced than that. For instance, DD didn't board until just now - so that's 10 years she slept at home with me almost every night (there have been occasional sleepovers, and times when I wasn't there as I was in hospital with DS.) Now, she's boarding, but she's still at home a LOT. Her holidays are significant longer than they would be had she stayed at her state school, and then I am raising her and parenting her - alongside DH, and, to an extent, her friends, and also my parents, and DH's parents etc. - because, unless you exist in a vacuum, that is often how it works . And the very act of sending children to school means that for some of every day other people are in loco parentis. It's why the expression 'it takes a village' rings so true. So it's not outsourcing, it's collaborative. And, her boarding school offers her things that I can't give her so easily, eg tennis coaching (the nearest place she could do this at home is a 45 minute drive away) and specialist dyslexia tuition, and ponies to hug at break time. I genuinely feel super fortunate that I'm able to chose the people who are part of raising DD - but they are not, by any means, exclusively raising DD. (I'm still in touch with one of my matrons from that school incidentally - who is now looking after DD - and several of my teachers. It truly is a community, not an assembly line. Obviously, not all schools are the same, but this is what has been my experience.)

Very very few private schools operate for profit.

On the other hand, most nurseries do operate for profit. Lots of people are happy to send thei babies to nurseries for 9-10 hours a day 5 days a week. I wouldn't send my babies to spend most of their waking hours in a nursery.

I wouod send my 7 year old to boarding school but between 10 and 14 lots of children flourish with the independence that boarding school brings.

Very very few private schools operate for profit.
Don’t be ridiculous. Of course they operate for profit. Eton (According to the Times last year) has £542,400,000 in assets

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 I home educate, so as far away from boarding as possible, and a lot of our friends consider standard state day school to be outsourcing your parenting. The more militant breastfeeding/attachment parenting groups we attended were stuffed with parents who saw any form of paid child care as rejection and outsourcing. I don't entirely agree with them, but it's a sliding scale.

I desperately wanted boarding school but we were poor. And in hindsight I'd have likely had the exact same issues I have now, but at least I'd have been able to blame them on boarding instead of emotionally unavailable parents. I know a kid who I'm considering suggesting state boarding for in a few years - his parents are unable to cope with two kids with Co trusting needs plus their own issues. Boarding would be a godsend for that boy.

I'd never send my kids, but they have SEN and are very attached so it's not a normal situation.

Lots of charities have assets, that doesn't mean they operate for profit. No one is getting rich off the back of Eton.

I can't comment on whether children are happy there - I very much hope they are. But I do agree about the physical touch part. For me there is a need to physically touch and hug my children, and I remember as I child really having that need, and would go and sit on my mother's lap sometimes even in my early teens.... and whilst matrons etc can be pleasant and kind, they cannot answer that 'physical craving' for affection.

In terms of judging - I have to say, being honest, that in our generation, where we are more emotionally attuned, I do judge the parents.
For me, it's hard to get around the idea that those parents, except for exceptional situations like serious illness in the family, are intrinsically being selfish and are choosing convenience and an easy life for themselves.
The big reason to go to boarding school seems to be the ability to do activities in the evenings, and that this basically outweighs the loss of family bonding time in the evenings. But a child at home can also do lots of activities, that is not the preserve of boarding school. However, it is far easier on the parents to delegate all the collecting, ferrying around, the care of a child in the evenings, taking them to all the activities, supervising homework etc, cooking dinner than to do it oneself.
For a parent, life is much easier when you have the freedom and flexibility to work late when required, have your evenings to yourself or to enjoy social engagements etc, and do not have to rush out of work, spend your evening driving around, or nagging about homework / tidying their room etc.
So the parents then 'strongly encourage' their child to want to go to boarding school, how amazing it is etc - and the child conveniently then wants to go.... and the parents then present it as being very much driven by the child.
I am not saying every case is like this, but many are.
And if the parents are going to prioritise their comfort/convenience/career above their child's, then yes, the child is better off at boarding school. But if they didn't it wouldn't.
I saw this happen with my neighbours recently. Only child, parents both partners at big London accountancy firms - never home before 8pm, if not later... so the girl was spending all her evenings with a nanny. In her case, yes, boarding school is better. But if one of the parents were to prioritise the child, I think you can have the same advantages (if not better in terms of the activities- as you can actually select the music or sports teachers for your child's after school activities, instead of them just having whatever the school happens to offer at that particular time), as well as regular family time.

But thank you for starting this thread OP, it's a really interesting topic, and interesting to be able to say what I really think, rather than smiling and nodding away politely when someone tells me that 'my DP can't wait to go to boarding school' :).
I have 3 DC and I do think my oldest DS would have been (outwardly at least) fine at boarding school from an extremely young age, as he was rather unemotional , independent and just got on with things. But I do wonder if whilst functioning absolutely fine, he wouldn't have missed developing some sort of emotional depth.... which he may or may not need later in life, I don't know.

@CocoC

I agree, it really is a fascinating thread. I do disagree with a number of OP's points, particularly the 'outsourcing' argument, but OPs child isn't mine and it's actually been quite a respectful conversation around the differences of parenting which I find intriguing!

I had a google of the school OP....it looks amazing 🥰 i can see why if you have the resources and support a boarding education why you'd want your child to go there

I was a day pupil but was always quite envious of the boarders at My school - so Independent and actually when I look at the friendship groups still going strong 25 years later it's the ones who boarded together

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Seriously? The “charity status” of public schools is utterly appalling. They are NOT charities they serve the richest in our society. How they still get away with calling themselves charities is something I just can’t comprehend.

@CocoC I agree re the physical touch, too. DD is very huggy - and I miss being able to hug her when she's away. I asked her about it last weekend - when she was at home - and she says she doesn't miss it because she hugs the ponies and the dogs and the Guinea pigs (I suspect this is why there are so many dogs and Guinea pigs etc.)

@CocoC I agree with you re the evening activities too - to an extent. When we lived in London it was great and there was loads, and I gladly spent every afternoon/ evening after school taking them to ballet/ French/ art/ drama etc. But we moved, because of DHs job, and we would have to spend literally HOURS in a car every day to facilitate the same. It's not (only) that I don't want to do it, but also the DC don't want to come home from school and then sit in a car. At the next (day) school that DD is going to go to, she can do those things. But she can't go there yet as she's too young. So this works in the interim. (And she loves it.)

My point is that they aren't for profit.

I only mentioned charities as you mentioned assets.

Ah as a non-huggy person who felt too cloistered by my parents I think I would have loved boarding school. My family while loving could not make a great environment for studying and learning so mad respect to parents who see they may be lacking and try to make up for it. I always wished we could afford it but my parents would have said similar to the dissenters on thread.

What is your best experience at school? What about your daughter?

@3WildOnes I’m not sure how you’ve reached that conclusion. If they’re genuinely not for profit why are they making quite so much money? They certainly don’t run at a loss. They don’t provide any real “charity”, so what do you think they’re doing? It’s a bit like saying private Drs “aren’t for profit”.

Of course they don't run at a loss, schools have massive expenses; staff costs, heating, etc. They have to have fairly substantial amounts in reserve in order not to fold. There are no share holders. There is no one getting rich off the back of Eton. All revenue raised will be ploughed back into the school or invested as part of long-term planning for the school. There are a very small number of private schools which do operate for profit but these are unusual.

They do offer 'charity' in the form of bursaries etc. the schools are run as a business as they have to cover costs. Our DS is in a class of 12. That is £108k a year in fees to pay for a full-time teacher and teaching assistant, covers cooked lunches snd snacks, plus contributions to the costs of the headmaster, deputy head, school office, groundsmen, language, music, computing, sports and forest school teachers, matrons, facilities, plus the overheads of the school including electricity etc, and the upkeep of the school grounds, the pool, cleaning etc. They obviously have to ensure all costs are covered with some in reserve.

I commented up thread on my experience as a boarder, child of expatriate parents and only going home once every three months. In a way I was lucky I went to a school that really encouraged full time boarding - kids could only go home exeat weekend and half terms and then Easter etc. My niece is a boarder now at a wonderful school but seems to be home so much - Wednesday nights if she fancies it and usually every weekend or every other weekend. My exeats if I didn’t go to a friends were spent with the other international boarders.

it’s not something I’m going to choose for my children - not because I had a particularly terrible experience, but because I think they have enough privilege on their lives. Both DH and I are educated and fully committed to them living interesting childhoods, we have a house full of books and games and talk a lot. If they can’t succeed in life with that background etc! The schools in our town are decent enough. I just don’t think they need more privilege!

All revenue raised will be ploughed back into the school or invested as part of long-term planning for the school.. How many millions?
They do offer 'charity' in the form of bursaries etc. the schools are run as a business as they have to cover costs.
bursaries in the vast majority of schools are a small percentage off school fees, which are already inflated so schools have the “float” we’re describing.
It’s obviously not unique to boarding private/public day schools are obviously the same.
Personally it’s the dressing yourself up as a charity to avoid taxes that I find unacceptable rather than charging for education.

I think this poster has it, DH went to boarding school and would have said all the way through his 20's, 30's and most of his 40's that he loved it.

However now in his late 40's he has now reflected that part of him being sent was for his mother's (single parent) convenience. Not that she had a high flying job, but she wasn't then and isn't now perhaps the most nurturing of people.

What did your parents do for work that you had to board from age 7?