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AMA
Original poster

I went to boarding school when I was 7, ama

160 replies

Puffykins · 11/05/2023 21:34

In response to the many threads I have seen that seem to presume that anyone who went to boarding school so young would be psychologically damaged - I'm not (I don't think!), and have a good relationship with my parents, my husband, a successful career etc. And, although I missed my parents, I also loved school.

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LittleMonks11 · 11/05/2023 23:10

I went to boarding school when I was 10 because of my dad's job. It was fun and I have some brilliant memories, but it was also hard (bullied in second year and no home/mum to go to). I was also in a Catholic convent school taught and looked after by nuns, which is another whole can of worms. I am extremely independent and self sufficient but I think I have some residual issues about being sent away at such a young age. I don't judge though. That's just my experience. Would not send my own to boarding school.

Original poster
Puffykins · 11/05/2023 23:13

@FirstTimeNameChanger I don't feel judged. I've got some friends for whom it's completely normal, and others who had never met anyone who had been to boarding school before they met me - but as far as I'm aware everybody respects the choices that DH and I have made for our children. (At least, no one has said anything to my face.)

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coloursquare · 11/05/2023 23:13

Having just sat up through the night with my 12 year old who had a horrible vomiting bug, I've always wondered what happens to a little 7 year old who vomits in the night at boarding school. I know there's a matron etc but it must be terrifying waking up alone.

TomeTome · 11/05/2023 23:16

@coloursquare its like babies left to cry. You learn very quickly that no one is there just for you.

Original poster
Puffykins · 11/05/2023 23:17

@coloursquare you're not alone. The other people in your dorm are there. And at good schools the environment tends to be one that is very nurturing. I'm sorry about your DS though - I hope he recovers soon.

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Tailfeather · 11/05/2023 23:20

Puffykins · 11/05/2023 23:09

@Tailfeather that's partly why I wanted to do an AMA! I'm glad to hear that you loved it too. I had hoped to be able to put paid to some preconceptions, but I'm not sure I'm going to succeed. @LittleBearPad I can assure you that my parents and I are all fine - really truly.

It's so frustrating as most of them don't have personal experience but have very strong views and judgements!

Tr1skel1on · 11/05/2023 23:23

TomeTome · 11/05/2023 23:16

@coloursquare its like babies left to cry. You learn very quickly that no one is there just for you.

Yes! This. Hard lesson to learn in Y5. However when I made it to Uni everyone else was really struggling being away from home. I was absolutely fine.

Swings and roundabouts

purpleme12 · 11/05/2023 23:27

Following

coloursquare · 11/05/2023 23:29

Puffykins · 11/05/2023 23:17

@coloursquare you're not alone. The other people in your dorm are there. And at good schools the environment tends to be one that is very nurturing. I'm sorry about your DS though - I hope he recovers soon.

Thank you re my DS.

But - other 7 year olds can surely not be expected to comfort a vomiting child! It must be hard for them, too. I just think it sounds so cold.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 11/05/2023 23:30

coloursquare · 11/05/2023 23:29

Thank you re my DS.

But - other 7 year olds can surely not be expected to comfort a vomiting child! It must be hard for them, too. I just think it sounds so cold.

Show quote history

My niece is 7 on her next birthday, the thought of her being shipped off to live at an institution is such an appalling one I don’t want to think about it.

Original poster
Puffykins · 11/05/2023 23:33

@coloursquare they comfort them the same way a sibling would. And the matrons are very nearby and get there super quickly. I guess it just seemed very normal to me - it felt like a larger extended family, and not cold at all. And now, if your child is ill, you can totally go and pick them up and take them home - so it's not that different to if your child gets sick at day school and has to wait for you to collect them. (Obviously I wasn't collected when I was at boarding school as my parents were overseas, but others were.)

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SleepingisanArt · 11/05/2023 23:36

I went to boarding school for seniors (11th birthday just a few weeks into first term there). Military family with both overseas and UK postings before going away to school and due in critical years (O and A'level). I enjoyed it, not at all Enid Blyton but did do DofE and Ten Tors. I know people who hated it, some have very poor relationships with their parents. I had a very good relationship with my Mum (she died a couple of years ago) but have a strained one with my father but that's a whole other story.

Original poster
Puffykins · 11/05/2023 23:37

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 it really truly isn't/ wasn't like the orphanage in Oliver - reading some of these replies I genuinely think that is what people are imagining! But I hear what you say about your niece - and I couldn't have sent DD at 7, either. But I truly did have a lovely time when I started.

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Original poster
Puffykins · 11/05/2023 23:42

@SleepingisanArt the boarding school I went to at 12 was much less Enid Blyton. I think people can go to day school and have a dreadful relationship with their parents, or to boarding school and have a dreadful relationship with their parents, and same same re a good relationship at day or boarding school. They don't need to be judged in a way that links them. Or, more accurately, they perhaps shouldn't be presumed to be linked.

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Splinters05 · 11/05/2023 23:45

Thanks for this AMA. Really interesting. I bet you are very resilient and have many talents due to all activities you'd have been exposed to at boarding school. I find it fascinating and can imagine it would be really enjoyable in teenage years.

My questions are...

Why did your parents go overseas together? I'm just curious as I thought 1 parent normally stays with the children in these circumstances? Did you have siblings, or were they overseas/at a different boarding school?

Sodullincomparison · 11/05/2023 23:46

Did you send your daughter to the same school you went to?

what helped you choose the right school for your daughter?

lots of ponies… Lucton or Headfort in Ireland?

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 11/05/2023 23:49

Puffykins · 11/05/2023 23:37

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 it really truly isn't/ wasn't like the orphanage in Oliver - reading some of these replies I genuinely think that is what people are imagining! But I hear what you say about your niece - and I couldn't have sent DD at 7, either. But I truly did have a lovely time when I started.

I’ve worked in a boarding school so I’ve first hand experience from a staff perspective and know they aren’t the same thing as a Victorian workhouse, as portrayed in Oliver Twist. The girls in mine went there because they come from very rural places (not UK), where the high schools are several hours away from their homes. It was fine for teens, but not ideal and definitely not any sort of option for me when considering how my daughter (only 18mo) will be educated, her place is with me until she’s of a reasonable age to consider leaving home, by that I mean when she’s an adult.

Sosadsolangafter · 11/05/2023 23:52

I've got a couple more questions:

  • Do you think the nurturing and comfort that a parent provides can be adequately replaced by friends or a matron?
  • when you were ill or sad at school, did you want your parents? Need a hug from then etc?
  • do you think they put their careers above spending time with you?
Original poster
Puffykins · 11/05/2023 23:52

@Sodullincomparison yes she's at the same one. No one helped us choose it - we knew it was there, I knew it was still idyllic, DD had been to open days and done trial nights etc. before she started, and she was super keen. A couple of people who taught me are stilll teaching there, so that's really nice (and sometimes they send me messages telling me that they had her in their class that day, that they saw her playing on the rope swing after supper and she was really happy, etc.) and a couple of my friends children are there too.

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Original poster
Puffykins · 11/05/2023 23:54

@Splinters05 my parents both went - that was what was normal in their circumstances. And yes, younger siblings / they followed me to the school I was at.

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Brandyb · 11/05/2023 23:55

Puffykins · 11/05/2023 22:12

@Namechange224422 on the whole I think my peers from that time are doing pretty well. I'm sorry that you feel that way @Tr1skel1on. What I can say is that we had excellent pastoral care. It's worth noting that some of the other kids were victims of what I guess would best be termed benign neglect, in terms of parental input. In those cases it's hard to know where the damage originated. There was serious drug abuse going on in some families, plus open marriages etc. - but also a lot of money. There are certainly some people who definitely feel that they bear the scars of psychological damage, but actually being at boarding school gave them a fighting chance at life.

So interesting, thank you for sharing ❤️

TomeTome · 11/05/2023 23:57

How many drugs/sex/risky behaviour incidents were there at the school you attended while you were there or since?

Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 00:03

@Sosadsolangafter 1.) no, I don't - but equally you're not removed from your patents forever! So when I first went it was up to 3 months at a time (which I realise was a long time) - but now with DD I never go longer than 10 days without having her home for 2 or 3 nights, and the school holidays themselves are longer, and she knows that I'll go and see her mid-week/ whatever if she wants me to. So I see matrons etc. more 'as well' than 'instead of.' 2.) yes 100% there were times I felt sad and wanted my mother - but it wasn't continuous, by any means. And kids get sad at nursery and want their mums and have to wait til the end of the day - it's like that but the kids are older and the hours they have to wait are days. 3.) no I don't think that they put their careers over spending time with me. We had a great time in the holidays - and my father's career was less a career than a vocation.

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Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 00:05

@TomeTome at the second boarding school I went to, a LOT. It was quite eye opening. But I hear of similar happening at the local secondary school now, so I think it's slightly symptomatic of the reality of a group of teens. How about you?

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WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 12/05/2023 00:07

Puffykins · 12/05/2023 00:03

@Sosadsolangafter 1.) no, I don't - but equally you're not removed from your patents forever! So when I first went it was up to 3 months at a time (which I realise was a long time) - but now with DD I never go longer than 10 days without having her home for 2 or 3 nights, and the school holidays themselves are longer, and she knows that I'll go and see her mid-week/ whatever if she wants me to. So I see matrons etc. more 'as well' than 'instead of.' 2.) yes 100% there were times I felt sad and wanted my mother - but it wasn't continuous, by any means. And kids get sad at nursery and want their mums and have to wait til the end of the day - it's like that but the kids are older and the hours they have to wait are days. 3.) no I don't think that they put their careers over spending time with me. We had a great time in the holidays - and my father's career was less a career than a vocation.

A parent leaving a child at nursery for the working day is not remotely the same as a parent leaving the child for 10 days at a time, regardless of the age.