Page 5 | I went to boarding school when I was 7, ama

Puffykins · 2023-05-11T20:34:36+00:00

In response to the many threads I have seen that seem to presume that anyone who went to boarding school so young would be psychologically damaged - I'm not (I don't think!), and have a good relationship with my parents, my husband, a successful career etc. And, although I missed my parents, I also loved school.

Simianwalk · 12/05/2023 09:05

@Puffykins It sounds like you're doing it in the best possible way. I travel a lot for work but DH is around a lot and a very hands on Dad so takes up the slack. It probably really matters as well on personality. My sister always wanted to go to boarding school And I think would have thrived. I would have absolutely have hated.

3WildOnes · 12/05/2023 09:11

@Puffykins how far away is your daughters school from your home? My daughters might like to board in the future but the school that I like is over two hours drive away and I'm worried that it's too far.

SleepingisanArt · 12/05/2023 09:13

Splinters05 · 11/05/2023 23:45

Thanks for this AMA. Really interesting. I bet you are very resilient and have many talents due to all activities you'd have been exposed to at boarding school. I find it fascinating and can imagine it would be really enjoyable in teenage years.

My questions are...

Why did your parents go overseas together? I'm just curious as I thought 1 parent normally stays with the children in these circumstances? Did you have siblings, or were they overseas/at a different boarding school?

When I was born my father was on ships so until I was 6 saw very little of him. My Mum was given the opportunity to move with him to a shorebased post in Scotland followed by a posting to the Far East. I think after being a 'solo' parent she wanted to live as a family. So off we went and as a child it was great! After a number of years we came back to England and I went off to boarding school. My younger sister didn't want to go so my parents bought a house and my father went back onto ships for a few years before becoming shore based until he retired. I had the option to move home but I liked my school so didn't. I think I am who I am because of my life and schooling.

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Puffykins · 12/05/2023 09:15

@3WildOnes it's 3 hours, which is irritatingly far, BUT it's an amazing school (your earlier guess) so it's worth it. The 3 hours is a pain for me, not her.

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Puffykins · 12/05/2023 09:15

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 I think that's a really accurate conclusion - and how amazing that you did that.

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Puffykins · 12/05/2023 09:16

@Simianwalk I think that's totally true, too. Hence DD going and not DS.

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Mangoelassi · 12/05/2023 09:18

I went to boarding school at 7 years old, it was very tough as essentially it was a boys school and for the first year I was the only girl in my class. I don't think I spoke to anyone! This was in the mid 70s where corporal punishment still existed and I experienced it myself at the age of 10.

I changed schools at 13 and stayed there until I left at 18 for uni. I didn't enjoy it one bit, my family were abroad and moved frequently but you just had to get on with it. Oddly enough, I am very close to my family as a result of that. And I also have a couple of very close friends who were at my senior school.

One thing boarding school taught me (aside from being forcibly independent from the age of 7) is the ability to lie extremely well. To lie about how you're feeling and what's really going.

BananaPalm · 12/05/2023 09:36

Fascinating thread, thanks for starting it. It's such a nice break from all the "I can't imagine being away from my child for a day" threads.

I have no experience with boarding schools and to me they do feel a bit scary but it clearly all depends on the child. Clearly you can board and absolutely thrive. We're all different, as are our children.

ididntknowthat11 · 12/05/2023 09:58

Puffykins · 11/05/2023 22:12

@Namechange224422 on the whole I think my peers from that time are doing pretty well. I'm sorry that you feel that way @Tr1skel1on. What I can say is that we had excellent pastoral care. It's worth noting that some of the other kids were victims of what I guess would best be termed benign neglect, in terms of parental input. In those cases it's hard to know where the damage originated. There was serious drug abuse going on in some families, plus open marriages etc. - but also a lot of money. There are certainly some people who definitely feel that they bear the scars of psychological damage, but actually being at boarding school gave them a fighting chance at life.

@Puffykins that's very sad about the home lives of some being lots of money but also neglect.

Can I ask roughly how much you pay for boarding for your daughter? And what careers you / your parents had to be able to afford it?

3WildOnes · 12/05/2023 10:12

Puffykins · 12/05/2023 09:15

@3WildOnes it's 3 hours, which is irritatingly far, BUT it's an amazing school (your earlier guess) so it's worth it. The 3 hours is a pain for me, not her.

It is an amazing school. I think one of my daughters would adore it. We are in SW London. So it would probably be a bit longer than 2 hours.

ididntknowthat11 · 12/05/2023 10:14

TomeTome · 12/05/2023 00:14

Sorry terrible typos (and SUCH an expensive education 🤣🤣)

I meant

Yes we had more sex/alcohol/silliness at my boarding schools (like you I switched), and “Yes” there was similar at my children’s day schools but they are much more insulated from it.

Was it a mixed sex school then?

Or were you sneaking out / sneaking boys in?

Or was it sexual relationships between the girls?

I have a kind of Enid Blyton view of boarding schools in my head so this has come as a shock to me 😂

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Puffykins · 12/05/2023 10:19

@3WildOnes there's a London coach at half terms and exeats....

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Puffykins · 12/05/2023 10:22

@ididntknowthat11 my father's job came with a boarding school allowance that covered most of the fees. I'm a writer, and my entire earnings go on school fees, so we currently live off DH's earnings day to day and we have one decrepit car and go on holiday to my parents house etc. (which is in a lovely place. In this country.) Currently, school is what we spend our money on.

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AliceOlive · 12/05/2023 10:33

It does look amazing. I am in US and can only think of two women I know who went to boarding school. It’s just so uncommon here for the non-wealthy. Both seemed very intelligent, calm, healthy and comfortable in their own skin.

Everyone making negative comments also takes for granted that “home” is always peaceful and happy. That’s not everyone’s experience, at any income level.

I also imagine the ponies make it easier to be away from home. 😁

TomeTome · 12/05/2023 10:40

@ididntknowthat11 child abuse.

ididntknowthat11 · 12/05/2023 10:44

TomeTome · 12/05/2023 10:40

@ididntknowthat11 child abuse.

Oh god. Right ok, I didn't pick up on that, I didn't realise that's what you were getting at.

The teachers abusing kids?

ThePensivePig · 12/05/2023 10:45

This is a fascinating AMA, I'm enjoying learning about all your experiences.
I desperately wanted to go to boarding school as a child. My home life was pretty grim and I was much happier at school. There, I could concentrate on learning and friendship, rather than dealing with issues relating to poverty, domestic violence and general family dysfunction. I thought (possibly as a result of reading those Enid Blyton books!) Boarding school sounded heavenly!

Blueisthecolour1 · 12/05/2023 10:59

Sorry I have strong feelings on this topic - all mine and no-one else's; I appreciate that. But I just physically and emotionally couldn't send my boys to boarding school, it would break me. I would miss their faces. I'd give up any career I had to be with them and be present in their younger years. I do also believe that however well it's masked, most children who are sent to boarding school suffer some kind of trauma and separation anxiety, which may manifest much later in their adult lives in some shape or form. Some carry that anxiety with them for the rest of their lives too. I don't understand why any parent would do it to be honest, given this. Even though they might have a far-flung career. Some things are just worth more than that.

The other obvious point to make is that it's not natural to be apart from your children to that extent and they need to be at home in a family unit where they can grow in a safe and loving environment. A question that always arises in my mind when I read about boarders and boarding school environments is who gives the physical love and affection that only a parent can give? Only parents have that special bond, to be able to cuddle their children and physically sit with them in a way that exudes peace and comfort and love. Who could possibly replicate that at boarding school? Children need physical touch and affection to thrive and to know they're loved unconditionally. A safe, consistent family environment provides the firm bedrock of emotional stability that will stick with them and give them confidence when they are finally ready to fly the nest - many many years later.

I do acknowledge my opinions are not everyone's. But that is what I honestly think.

Longwhiskers · 12/05/2023 10:59

@Tr1skel1on your experience sounds similar to mine. My parents were 3000 miles away and I’d never lived in the UK longer than a few weeks each summer. My first half term aged 12 I took myself on a six hr train journey changing in a major city to reach an uncle I barely knew. It was the days of aerogrammes which I wrote when I’d finished my prep. I remember the sheer horror of going into an autumn term and being constantly cold, the stodgy food and freezing hockey pitches. We could call home but you had to ‘cogs’ (bag) the phone which was in a public space in the boarding house. The only way for it to not cost a bloody fortune was to use an awful satellite kind of programme called ‘net2phone’ where you had to say ‘over’ once you had finished speaking. I hated it! I actually have quite fond memories of boarding but like I became very self sufficient/reliant - I took myself off to university on my own as my parents had gone back abroad, all that flying back and forth as a teenager at boarding etc.

Blueisthecolour1 · 12/05/2023 11:02

Obviously - I'm coming from a viewpoint of a loving family. I appreciate that for some individuals school would be the preferable place.

Greenfinch7 · 12/05/2023 11:10

My husband went to boarding school aged 8, and he loved it. He says it was the best thing for him and did no damage, but made him the happy resilient, successful person he is.
I disagree with him and think the damage it did is something he can't see, because of the damage it did.
His response to unhappiness, guilty feelings, things that are wrong or sad is: denial, humour, defensiveness. He doesn't see or admit to problems, doesn't see or admit to doing wrong, doesn't see or admit to the pain he causes other people. I think this is because he never had a safe loving place to say that he felt unhappy, lonely, or regretful. He learned, at 8, that he had to cope with these emotions on his own or risk being chivvied, teased, misunderstood, etc. As a result he still deals with difficult feelings like an 8 year old, in my opinion.
Probably this is simplistic, and only part of the truth.

My husband not only doesn't agree that boarding school might have had some impact on his emotional development, he thinks the whole idea that childhood and upbringing potentially has this sort of an effect on people is silly and self indulgent (though he probably wouldn't phrase it like that).

To himself and to the world he looks happy, positive, cheerful, dedicated, and brilliant at what he does, but to me he seems deeply damaged, and he damages the people closest to him.

Schoolmemories · 12/05/2023 11:12

Tr1skel1on · 11/05/2023 21:50

For me, not OP but at boarding school from Y5 until after A levels. You have to work everything out yourself, from periods and making sure you have 3 months worth of what you need at the start of term. I had no choice in my schooling due to my parents working abroad. I am incredibly independent and self reliant, my DH would say too much. I have 2 teenagers, half of me loves mollycoddling them, because I never had it. The other half of me despairs at how useless they are without parental input.

Wow! If you want an honest response straight from the heart, quite surprised how much I've just shared

I also went to Stonar! I remember differently re periods. There was a shop on site where you could buy pads, tampons and other essentials. I think it got billed to your parents unlike tuck which you bought with pocket money. I went from 13 and liked it but then home life was chaotic and sometimes unsafe so that certainly helped me appreciate boarding school.

Longwhiskers · 12/05/2023 11:13

The thing is about having lovely long chats with your parents and missing out on that by being a boarder…you have to have the kind of parents who want to do that! I get on perfectly well with my mum but we’re not close and I’m not sure she even knows what my job is (exactly) or who my friends are. She’s always been like that so I wasn’t missing out by not having her close by doing the crucial teen years.

Tailfeather · 12/05/2023 11:27

Greenfinch7 · 12/05/2023 11:10

My husband went to boarding school aged 8, and he loved it. He says it was the best thing for him and did no damage, but made him the happy resilient, successful person he is.
I disagree with him and think the damage it did is something he can't see, because of the damage it did.
His response to unhappiness, guilty feelings, things that are wrong or sad is: denial, humour, defensiveness. He doesn't see or admit to problems, doesn't see or admit to doing wrong, doesn't see or admit to the pain he causes other people. I think this is because he never had a safe loving place to say that he felt unhappy, lonely, or regretful. He learned, at 8, that he had to cope with these emotions on his own or risk being chivvied, teased, misunderstood, etc. As a result he still deals with difficult feelings like an 8 year old, in my opinion.
Probably this is simplistic, and only part of the truth.

My husband not only doesn't agree that boarding school might have had some impact on his emotional development, he thinks the whole idea that childhood and upbringing potentially has this sort of an effect on people is silly and self indulgent (though he probably wouldn't phrase it like that).

To himself and to the world he looks happy, positive, cheerful, dedicated, and brilliant at what he does, but to me he seems deeply damaged, and he damages the people closest to him.

I think lots of men of our generation are similar though - regardless of schooling they were taught to bury their emotions, never cry etc. my husband is from a very working class background and is very closed and lacking in empathy.

Mangoelassi · 12/05/2023 11:28

One long term memory I have is the compulsory letter writing every Sunday morning. I remember my first letter in which I said that I had cried in bed and that I didn’t like it at school. The teachers would read our letters before they were posted and I was told that it wouldn’t be nice for my mummy and daddy to read that - so I was made to change the words. If you couldn’t think of anything to write then you were allowed to write out a poem or such like from a book or draw a picture instead. So that’s what I did going forward, I can clearly remember writing out “My love is like a red, red rose” - it took forever!

This prep school is still in existence today and very successful, a feeder for some of the top public schools such as Eton, Wycombe Abbey, Winchester etc but I’m pretty sure the staff aren’t allowed to read letters home now. Hopefully things have changed for the better especially with mobile phones/internet etc.

I remember asking one of the boys in my year if he was going to go to boarding school after prep school and he replied “Oh no, I’m not going to boarding school, I’m going to Eton”! We asked our children if they wanted to board (from the age of 13) and one of them did and the other didn’t. I would have struggled to let them board at 7, just too young in my opinion.