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AMA
Original poster

I went to boarding school when I was 7, ama

160 replies

Puffykins · 11/05/2023 21:34

In response to the many threads I have seen that seem to presume that anyone who went to boarding school so young would be psychologically damaged - I'm not (I don't think!), and have a good relationship with my parents, my husband, a successful career etc. And, although I missed my parents, I also loved school.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 12/05/2023 00:10

yes at my boarding schools (like you I switched), and yes but much more insulated from I. My children’s day schools.

TomeTome · 12/05/2023 00:11

Did your siblings/cousins send their children too?

Sosadsolangafter · 12/05/2023 00:12

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 12/05/2023 00:07

A parent leaving a child at nursery for the working day is not remotely the same as a parent leaving the child for 10 days at a time, regardless of the age.

Show quote history

Quite.

If my child was injured, ill, desperate for me etc, I'd be there within 15m. I'm lucky in that I wfh, but I couldn't imagine them getting sad without me for hours, let alone days.

If for whatever reason me or my husband couldn't get there quickly, other family would pick them up. They'd never be left sad for hours.

It seems very cold. Very detached.

TomeTome · 12/05/2023 00:14

Sorry terrible typos (and SUCH an expensive education 🤣🤣)

I meant

Yes we had more sex/alcohol/silliness at my boarding schools (like you I switched), and “Yes” there was similar at my children’s day schools but they are much more insulated from it.

Prettyvase · 12/05/2023 00:16

I think for a lot of young girls being around ponies is pure heaven! So many shared adventures and fun!
All the pony mad girls I know who have been lucky enough to have access to a pony in their childhood have truly idyllic childhoods whether they went to boarding school or not 😛

Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 00:16

@TomeTome my siblings are younger and so are my nephews and nieces so it's not a consideration yet. I literally only decided to send DD this year - I certainly didn't write her future in stone before knowing what would suit her, and even now it's under constant review (and I think she'll do day school for the next stage - we've got a really good one a couple of miles away. We didn't have a really good day school near us for the age she is now.)

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Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 00:18

@TomeTome 😂😂 - this is partly why I want her home for the next bit too - I want to be able to have those conversations with her without delegating them/ trusting them to staff. I've got total confidence in the school she's at now, for the age she is now, but the next stage is a completely different kettle of fish.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 12/05/2023 00:18

What do your siblings think of your decision to send her? Did you chat with them about it?

Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 00:23

@Sosadsolangafter @WhatAmIDoingWrong123 oh my goodness if DD was ill/ super sad of COURSE I'd be there that day, but days later. Like I've said, I speak to her every day, she knows she can ask me to come and see her/ take her home for an extra night/ whatever. I meant more mild missing of one's parents.
And actually, I think there is a scale - it's kind of handy if your kids are accustomed to not always being with you every single day before they go to university.

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Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 00:24

@Sosadsolangafter @WhatAmIDoingWrong123 not days later.

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Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 00:24

@TomeTome they literally said "lucky DD, she's going to have so much fun."

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TomeTome · 12/05/2023 00:28

So they all loved it too? That’s interesting. Most of my friends from school have at least one sibling who struggled.

Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 00:31

@TomeTome I think we all had periods when we weren't deliriously happy, but that was more when we were older (14/ 15) and more about hormones and puberty and being a teenager and all the rest than it was about school.

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TomeTome · 12/05/2023 00:43

I do think there’s an element of blaming normal teenage angst on boarding. I’m genuinely so glad I didn’t have to send mine. I adored my friends at school but I would have preferred to be home. I think it ripped the centre out of our family unit and we didn’t recover. Having my own at home has been very heeling, and I just couldn’t have born missing so much of their childhood.

Whinge · 12/05/2023 06:55

and I think she'll do day school for the next stage - we've got a really good one a couple of miles away.

What if she wants to continue to board? How will you explain that it's ok to board from 10 but you don't want her to be away from you aged 12 /13?

Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 07:05

@Whinge DS is there and currently DD is looking forward to joining him so it isn't really an issue.

OP posts:
Whinge · 12/05/2023 07:12

Puffykins · 12/05/2023 07:05

@Whinge DS is there and currently DD is looking forward to joining him so it isn't really an issue.

It might not be an issue, but 2-3 years is a long time. If she enjoys boarding she may want to continue that, especially if it means she can stay at her current school with her friends. If that's the case will you let her continue to board, or will she have to attend the day school?

Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 07:17

@Whinge she can't stay at her current school, it only goes up to a certain age, and then they all go to different schools. I really don't think it's going to be an issue.

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3WildOnes · 12/05/2023 07:35

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 12/05/2023 00:07

A parent leaving a child at nursery for the working day is not remotely the same as a parent leaving the child for 10 days at a time, regardless of the age.

Show quote history

I wasn't comfortable having any of my babies or toddlers in full time childcare. I just don't believe that it would have helped them thrive.

If any of mine want to weekly board from year 5ish I would be open to the idea.

3WildOnes · 12/05/2023 07:42

Sosadsolangafter · 12/05/2023 00:12

Quite.

If my child was injured, ill, desperate for me etc, I'd be there within 15m. I'm lucky in that I wfh, but I couldn't imagine them getting sad without me for hours, let alone days.

If for whatever reason me or my husband couldn't get there quickly, other family would pick them up. They'd never be left sad for hours.

It seems very cold. Very detached.

Show quote history

I worked in lots of nurseries. There were plenty of babies and toddlers who were desperately missing their parents. They were never called.

Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 07:47

@3WildOnes I'm with you on that - my DC were at home until they started school nursery etc., and then it was built up from half days. But I realise that I/ we were fortunate to be able to do that.

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Simianwalk · 12/05/2023 07:54

Do you not worry that your DD won't be as close to you as she could be. How do you know you wouldn't have been closer to your Mum?
I have a 3 teens and they start talking less and less and it's only the odd moment they need you and if you're not there and then the moment passes.
My Dad went to boarding school and says he never felt close to his parents as he felt they didn't want to be near him or else they would have kept him at home. He and his sister are quite damaged by it all. Not that they had a bad time at school just they felt their parents didn't love them as much as other parents.

Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 08:06

@Simianwalk I think that's a valid concern, but equally what if my DC need me when I'm at work/ travelling for work etc. - I don't think it's exclusive to being at boarding school. As it is I schedule all my work travel for term time, so that I am with them in the holidays as much as possible. I don't know if I'd be even closer my mother - it's a road not taken kind of thing. But what I do know is that my mother is there when I need her, she has a really close relationship with my DC, I'm sorry to hear that your husband feels less loved - I don't feel that. I think it's possible to be a loving, interested parent and send your DC to boarding school; the two things don't have to be mutually exclusive. There are of course parents who are more interested in their own lives than their DCs, to their DCs detriment, but that isn't exclusive to boarding school either.

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Original poster
Puffykins · 12/05/2023 08:06

@Simianwalk sorry, your father, not your husband.

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WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 12/05/2023 08:59

I think this thread shows how differently we are all capable of feeling about how to raise children. I see her as my responsibility until she’s grown and then she goes her own way. I left home at 19 having always lived with my parents and moved to the other side of the world, didn’t need to be away from them before that to manage as an adult.