I was raised Mormon, got married at 20, had 6 kids, but I don't believe anymore. AMA.

[OnceIWasAMormon]

I know we've had a few threads like this in the past (not mine), but with the recent BBC documentary I thought people might want to ask about Mormonism again.

I don't have a TV licence so haven't seen the documentary, but I lived the life for 30+ years so I'm confident I could answer questions. 🙂AMA.

16, 14, 12, 9, 6, and 2.

The older 4 were at various points relieved and delighted. The younger two weren't bothered.

Due to the ex and DV, church became a traumatic place that triggered terrible memories for them.

The older ones tell me now that they only wanted to go to church for the treats that were doled out by teachers in class. The younger ones don't remember anything.

Large families are going out of fashion, to be fair. Our family wasn't wholly out of place in general, and a new pregnancy announcement was always received with joy and kindness, but we were outliers in the uk especially. I was once friends with an American family who now have 10 children last I heard. They spoke of their leaving their family planning up to God - plenty of people did.

I've eaten it! One of those texture and flavour experiences that stay with you...

I think jello is one of those cultural Mormon things borne out of their food storage obsession. Can be made easily with store cupboard ingredients, but..

One of the problems I have with the differences in our experience is that there shouldn't be any difference. I was subjected to violence so severe that it would now put my ex in jail for 3 years (the law changed recently but can't be retrospectively applied, or I would have pressed charges, he was arrested at the time and admitted everything). I had bruising and swelling, and longterm injuries I needed specialist care from my dentist for it. Even years later the old injury sometimes flares up.

To be told I was wrong for being angry and taking action to protect myself was, frankly, horrifying, and is a direct result of (a) baked in misogyny from every level of church guidance and (b) a purposeful abdication of responsibility from leadership across the board. Mormons have a volunteer system of lay leadership - there are no DBS checks, there is no training (apart from missionary training centres).

This volunteer situation with no training is held up as a good thing, and that God is in charge of the process.

Every 3 - 5 years it's time to change the leadership positions, and a group of men meet to pray and discuss the names of people they feel are right for the job. My ex was one of those men who were chosen, and he was one of those men who chose others. He gave spiritual guidance, relationship advice, financial support. He knew intimate details about many people in that congregation.

When faced with the cognitive dissonance of the wife beater side of him, people couldn't cope and turned away from me or expected me to forgive and forget.

The cultural element of Mormonism is weaker here, yes. I can't remember a time when I've ever wanted to live in Utah, it always seemed extreme to me. But the misogyny is everywhere, and I've heard more than one speaker at a pulpit extolling the virtues of stay at home mothers, implying or outright stating that mothers who work are abdication their god given responsibilities.

10% tithe of your increase, monthly or yearly, is the requirement to be considered worthy to go to the temple, hold callings, and take the weekly sacrament. There are other requirements to be considered worthy as well.

I wore temple garments for nearly 20 years, and they were restrictive and uncomfortable, especially during my periods. I was relieved to put that all to one side.

My dc and I stopped attending church before I came out- it took a while to deprogramme myself before I was even able to recognise my sexuality.

My extended family situation is kind of weird and complicated, I dont speak to them now but not because of church.

I've been to the temple plenty of times and baptised the dead. This ritual has caused pain to many people over the years, which saddens me, but I have no strong opinion about it and if someone wants to rebaptise me after my death they can give it a go. 🤷🏼‍♀️

This thread is amazing thank you. I just watched ‘Murder Among the Mormons’ on Netflix so I’m even more interested (programme was amazing if anyone keen) - about a master forger.
Anyway. What is baptising the dead? I’ve never heard of that?

Mormons believe that you can't enter the highest and best part of heaven without being baptised using their priesthood authority. This experience is a full immersion in water saying a specific set of words, both the baptised and baptiser wearing all white clothing.

For people who have never joined the church and since died, this would mean they can't go to the part of heaven where God lives, and where they themselves can eventually progress to becoming Gods and creating their own universe, worlds, and people. This is seen as a great sadness, but the workaround is a ritual in the temple called baptism for the dead. Someone can "stand in" for the dead person, and do the act of baptism on their behalf, quoting their name as they do so. This is also done for temple marriages and family sealings- rites that are also required to obtain access to the highest part of heaven.

This is why Mormons are very keen family history researchers, and many have traced their ancestry back 10 generations or more. They want to connect their family through the generations via temple rites. But it also means I know quite a lot of interesting stories about my ancestors as a result!

Oh wow. Thank you!
In the programme I watched, they talked so much about tracing their past and the extreme interest in old documents but I didn’t really understand why. But now I see.

Yes, most UK LDS women I know have careers and/or went to university. All the females in my family are university educated - my sister and I both have a Masters. I was always taught that education is really important.

The taught belief is still that women should be in home raising the children but in reality it’s not possible - at least not in the UK. You are also supposed to be self-reliant so unless your husband is a high earner I don’t think people can afford to have children and stay at home and be self-reliant.

My mum was always at home and thinking about it growing up most of my friends mums also stayed home. But those were different times.

@OnceIWasAMormon

You are right that our experiences shouldn’t be different. I had a friend in my teens who was violently assaulted by another teen at church. My friend wanted to report the incident to the police but the Bishop asked him not to and preached forgiveness and mercy. He reported the incident to the police regardless and a lot of the congregation were angry about that.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean someone shouldn’t face the consequences of their actions nor should it mean putting yourself back into a situation where a person can wrong you again.

Have you stopped believing in God altogether?

@OnceIWasAMormon - I’ve heard that because of the Mormons being so keen on tracing ancestors that they actually own the ancestry.com website (and other similar genealogical websites.

As to not drinking tea, coffee, Coca Cola/Pepsi etc. due to the caffeine in it (a ‘stimulant’ lol) are Mormons allowed to drink decaf coffee, tea and colas?

I vaguely remember when I was a little girl seeing a jar (or tin) of a powdered drink, similar to Horlick sand I think it was called Caro? My mum told me that it was a drink which Mormons were allowed to have.

@HelloDaisy - yes both members and both left together thankfully. More difficult for him as he was in a leadership position but so happy we left together as a family.

@OnceIWasAMormon - absolutely. I was taught and taught others that we had to easier and protected because of the "rules" and that those rules gave us freedom.

But I was also told there was no happiness outside the church and the only true joy was found inside the church.

I'm so much happier and fulfilled outside.

Also, I hope you don't mind you answering occasional questions.

Women are encouraged to gain some education, in my day we were told it was so we could support the household of the worse happens and be self reliant.

In a family it would be unusual for a woman to be their higher earner. I do know several couples where that's the case but it's definitely not the normal. Women are still encouraged and told their most important role is to be mothers.

I never saw the Church as misogynistic for my 30 odd years until I tried to stand up for myself and realised as a woman I had no authority or say in anything. After leaving i see it all too clearly.

I remember being in tears begging higher leadership to not give my husband another significant leadership position as I had three under 2 and two had disabilities and I was on my knees and he was "serving" others in his calling. I would cry my eyes out as he ran in from work and ran straight out. When I asked, more than once over several years and more than one person, to have my husband back, I was always told my role was to sacrifice and I would be blessed for it. I needed to support my husband and that was my role.

Men can be sealed to more than one women. And in the temple you make promises to obey your husband, Which we're removed last year? But up instil 2021/22 every women promised to obey their husband.

Women never ever have any calling where they have any authority over men.

Thank you OnceIWasAMormon also to the other ex Mormons who have shared their experiences.

I don't know. Right now I feel strongly averse to any form of religion, but maybe I will change as time goes by. I feel comfortable with not knowing, though.

A member of my family (not a close member) became a Mormon and I was friends with a man I knew through work. The man tried to convert me by giving me a bible and talking to me about Mormonism (he was married but his wife had had cancer). I was just a work friend, nothing else. He did ask me to have an affair with him and it was a big fat no from me!

Do some Mormons try to convert non Mormons like he did?

Yes. Every member a missionary. We are told "how great shall be your joy" if you bring one person to the church.

This man when I knew him, I think his wife was having chemotherapy (she survived breast cancer) but for a while it was touch and go. He spoke to me about remarrying and possibly to me and I had to tell him I wasn’t interested in him that way at all (I wasn’t!). I think he felt the more we spoke (he was a contractor I had to deal with and see for work) the more he would be able to convert me and told me about his teenage children going to Mormon clubs/dances but obviously without alcohol/caffeine.

Mormons only drink their caffeine cold- Pepsi etc is often seen as fine, but not by everyone. There is inconsistencies in the application of rules, mostly because there are no clear reasons for the rules in the first place. Sometimes I was told we were supposed to avoid caffeine (but chocolate is ok) and other times it was the tannins in the tea that was the real danger (again, no worries about chocolate). I think eventually it was just said that we shouldn't question a prophet's teachings, and we shouldn't need a reason why. "Doubt your doubts" and so on.

I'm not sure what his thought processes were, but I have never seen anyone taught or encouraged to source another spouse while their first one is potentially dying of cancer. That's astonishingly cold hearted and just bizarre. Mormonism wouldn't have anything to do with that man's issues!

I've known plenty of people to remarry quickly after a divorce or death, though - my ex remarried as soon as the ink was dry on our decree absolute.

Not just told, drilled into you from birth, practically. I have that hymn stuck in my head now!

@GonnaGetGoingReturns

That's awful! His poor wife. It's probably not a typical thought process. Marriage is eternal. But man men do marry more than one women if their first wife dies including their current prophet.

To be fair I had a very active social life as a young member. There were dances all over the county. They pretty much don't happen now. They dried up years ago.