I'm in a polyamorous relationship (MFM) AMA

[BubblestarUK]

Just that really, I'm in a polyamorous relationship with two men, when I meet people in real life they always want to ask me questions so I thought I'd cast the net a bit wider and open the floor on the web :)

Also, yeah, I can't imagine children at the age yours are being entirely comfortable with the situation. Would they tell friends at school they are a relative who live their/a lodger/mum's boyfriend who also lives with dad?

Did you have an unconventional / bohemian upbringing? If not, what made you decide that this was an acceptable situation to put teenagers into?

Thanks for doing this, OP. Growing up, one of my favorite authors was Robert Heinlein. He wrote science fiction, but polyamory was a common theme in his books. You don't run short on love because you love more than one person. In his book Time Enough for Love, he said "The more you love, the more you can love — and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just."

Since you all get along, support each other and run a loving household, I don't worry about your kids at all. They are seeing adults treat each other with affection and respect. There are far worse situations to grow up in and vastly more toxic "normal" families.

Do you miss the emotional intimacy of having a close bond with one special individual. The complicated sex arrangements doesn’t worry me as much as not being able to comprehend having a deep special bond with 2 partners rather than 1 person.

If there were two women and your husband in the relationship instead of your current set up, would you be jealous?

I’d imagine I’d be mad jealous. I couldn’t share the intimate part of my marriage with another woman. I’d also find it very difficult to share his affection and attention with another woman.

Does your husband fancy the other guy do you think? I couldn’t imagine it working if he didn’t.

That part of our relationship is very much behind closed doors, as it would be with any other relationship, typical, traditional or otherwise

Right. Because teenage kids have no idea what's going on. OK.

My children would go fucking ballistic if I casually tried to just add another man in to our family and we all started sharing a bed. Do you live in the UK?

Mine are in their 30s. Not sure what they'd think but pretty sure they'd stage an intervention.

But then it's not up-to them who you have relationship with?

The children, as I said, seem happy with it. I think I asked the eldest how they felt last year and they said something along the lines of "does this mean someone else will do the recycling?"

That's not what a 14 year old is thinking. Really.

But then it's not up-to them who you have relationship with?

I meant they'd think I'd lost the plot. And currently I'd agree with them.

Yes. Whatever any adults want to do in terms of configuring their relationships is up to them. There is however absolutely no way a 10 and 14 year old have just said ‘oh mummy has another man sleeping in the same bed as her and daddy, no need to ask any questions about that at all’. I would be deeply worried that they haven’t asked any questions about it: do they feel they aren’t able to or do they not know how to express what they are thinking? I don’t think I would have known how to at 10 - or even 8 when this started - and I would have been too mortified to broach the subject (and the sex implied) at 12/14. Most worryingly - and I may be wrong here, I really hope I am - but it doesn’t come across from your posts @BubblestarUK that if either or both children said I’m uncomfortable with this that it would mean you put an end to it. This is supposed to be their safe place at a vulnerable time in their lives, on the cusp of and going through puberty. Maybe they genuinely don’t care (though I would say they must be exceptionally disinterested children if they didn’t) but don’t you worry that this will have an effect on them? Don’t you wonder that they haven’t asked you questions?

Are the men very close friends, or do they live together just because they both love you? Do they seek out each other's company in your absence? If you died, do you think they would continue to live together?

Exactly this. Again, no judgement about what consenting adults do but I think you are very much minimizing the impact on your kids. You and your husband are sleeping with another man. This has been introduced to your children at an age where they understand the birds and the bees. You answer very freely as if this is the most normal setup in the world - it isn't. Please think of your children and their emotional needs and not just yours.

I actually find this so distressing to read. The fact that you've just brought another man into your bed and living in your home with your children in the house and they just have to accept that as they are too young but trust me in a few years when your 10 year realises that mum had another man living in her bed he won't be happy and you are mentally scarring your children. This isn't normal. Your husband is weird if he is ok with this and I find the whole thing revolting

I find this so weird, but then again I'd find any sort of non nuclear family type relationship involving kids to be strange, and thats not necessarily what public opinion is in this day and age.

I can get that adults do what they want behind closed doors, but from the outside without really understanding it, it always appears to me like there's some sort of dominant partner getting a great deal to the detriment of the others. The OP clearly has benefits from it, I guess of the guys the husbands probably quite passive and withdrawn - if he was truly engaged with the relationship he wouldn't want this. The other guy maybe doesn't want his own family etc and is happy to tag along.

Either way, do any of these things ever last a long time? Whenever you hear about them it seems to be a bit of a fad and doesn't last, not in the same way that couples are often together for decades.

The kids will probably be weirded out by this. Then again, I've got no idea what teenagers are like now and what they're told is normal at school, can imagine they're told its perfectly fine to have two gay dads/lesbian mums, to change your gender and all sorts of other things. My kids are in their 30s and when they were at school a home life set up like this would have definitely been the source of people taking the piss.

‘The OP clearly has benefits from it, I guess of the guys the husbands probably quite passive and withdrawn - if he was truly engaged with the relationship he wouldn't want this. The other guy maybe doesn't want his own family etc and is happy to tag along.’ yes I have to say this is my impression too, especially as the OP. describes the husband as a home bird who doesn’t have much interest going out, travelling, etc. I also find it telling that the OP has known the boyfriend since they were teens, so has either/both of them been holding a torch since then? That particularly feels a bit off, like the husband is ol’ reliable doing the grunt work whilst the one that got away swoops in when the children are half reared and lives a life of dates, mini breaks with a house and annex paying only a third of the bills. The more I think about it the more I feel sorry for the husband, given that there was also a previous ‘emotional’ relationship where someone else was on the scene for ten years costing up watching films. The OP seems to be getting all her wants met and more but the husband seems to just get what he’s given. All seems very one sided. I can’t imagine what it would do to someone’s self esteem if their spouse had another person the duration of their marriage, the OP seems oblivious to (or gets off on the fact) that she is demeaning her husband’s worth, constantly showing him he isn’t enough for her yet being tied to him by marriage. Unless the husband is in to being humiliated

Was the previous 10 year poly relationship prior to having children? Or have the dc grown up with this set up?

Who sits in the front in the car when you go out as a 5 together?

If your kids told you that you were an absolute embarrasment to them and wanted you to terminate this set up, would you?

Maybe he likes that she gets her needs met 100%, I can definitely see the appeal of this (ie DH having another wife, especially if she helped out with housework!).

My late father in law lived in this sort of relationship with the OW he left mother in law for and a long standing male friend of his, they were very happy, we only found out what was going on when he showed us round their home and we saw the sleeping arrangements. She outlived both of them. It was very strange as they were in all other ways very conventional.

But the OP says that if any one else wanted another partner they would go their separate ways. Only the OP can have two partners in this set up. Maybe the DH does like it, doesn’t seem like he has much choice if he wants to stay married though

Sounds like a nightmare to me too.

Did you ever consider the other man might be grooming you and your husband to gain access to your children?

Thanks for starting this thread OP, I find your setup interesting. I would describe your relationship as polyandry rather than polygamous/a throuple (although I love that word!), because you are in a relationship with your partners, but they are not in a relationship with each other. Has starting this thread and reading some of these (bluntly phrased and somewhat judgemental, but also perhaps incisive) comments made you reflect on the power dynamics of your relationships, and whether these are equal? How do you communicate with your partners to find out their needs and if they are happy? If your partners were to come to you and share that they felt your relationship wasn't meeting their needs, would you discuss this as pairs or as a throuple? I suppose what I am trying to ask is how do you negotiate the emotional boundaries of your relationship?

I also have another question about your children. I am in a lesbian (couple) relationship and we have two girls aged 8 and 11. We live in a liberal area, but the children are met with curiosity from their peers, especially in relation to their dad, who is a known donor, a gay man who lives locally and who they have regular contact with. DD2 in particular has had little comments like "do you kiss in a three? Does your dad have two girlfriends" despite the fact that we have never lived together or had sexual contact, none of us being oriented that way. It has seemed hard for our kids to understand at times, because our relationship is unconventional, that the babies weren't made in the usual way. And we have had to be clear with our kids what the boundaries of our relationship are and how we are different as a family. What conversations have you had with your children about who is in your family? What do your DC communicate about their family to their peers? What comments from their peers have your DC received at school and how do your DC make sense of their parents relationship to themselves and others? What do your children feel able to ask you, and what is taboo? Do you live in a socially liberal or socially conservative area? How do your wider family respond to your relationship? Who is DP2 to the children? For example does he discipline them, and do they accept his authority?

Thank you for answering as many of those questions as you are interested in responding to. I am a family therapist so these questions come somewhat from a professional interest (I am not touting for business as I don't do private work). I would be qualified to work with a family such as yours, but in my years of experience I have never come across a family with this setup. I think if a family such as yours were to come onto my caseload, I would be interested in the above questions. I would want to know more about your throuple relationship dynamics and how each partner felt in the relationship. I would also be interested in how the children make sense of the relationship within and outside the extended family and how you communicate with each other as a family Has you ever thought about seeking support as a family to explore these complicated dynamics?

Do each of them get off on watching the other having sex with you, and do they enjoy being watched?