I live in Japan - AMA

[tanitani]

Hello! I did this years ago but I’m a lot more experienced and had a lot more “life experience” here now.

excluding a six month stint in the UK this year, I’m approaching my sixth year living in Japan.

DH is Japanese with a decent daily conversation level English - we met here.
Also got an almost 3 year old DC.

Been through dating, marriage, pregnancy and birth in Japan.
Currently working part time.

Originally came over as a church volunteer for a year or so but ended up much longer 😆 no plans to move back to the UK.

We’re in a commuter town right next to Tokyo.

Can’t think of much else - any interest feel free to ask!

Would love to! Feel free to PM 😊

When I first came here I was part of a church I already had ties with so I had some friends ready to go, having that base really helped.

Generally Japanese people are quite shy and can be nervous with foreigners - to avoid imposing nor making you uncomfortable they might choose to avoid you but this can feel isolating at times.
It definitely does take time to make Japanese friends, but I’ve found mine and I don’t expect them to be comfortable to tell me anything and everything, but be patient and you do make friends.
From what I’ve heard though, making friends as an adult is difficult and mum friends can be a minefield no matter what the culture!
If you don’t speak Japanese it is of course difficult, but people who can speak English are generally happy to have the chance to use it!
I can hang out in Japanese but it is nice to hang out with English friends where I don’t have to translate everything as that can be tiring.

My family had visited a few times, once to say hi after a year 😆 once for wedding and once for baby. I’ve also visited twice in those times.
My parents love it and also adore DH.
In Japanese culture you don’t call your in laws by their name, you’d call them mother and father too.
So my husband calling my dad “papa” and mum “mama” really appealed to them and my dad even calls him “my son”.

hopefully my parents will visit again next year and there’s so much cool stuff to show them.

Currently it’s rather cold outside and I’m putting off an inevitable trip to the park. So very happy to sit and answer questions!!!

I’m part time so don’t get holiday pay - I can book off when I need as long as there’s enough teachers.
Generally Japanese people get around 10 days or two weeks but they never take it. It’s often unspokenly frowned upon to take it. The working culture is ridiculous here and I closely monitor DH for signs of burnout as he will often just keep going until he can’t anymore.

I think it’s more and more normal to be a working mum now, I feel like many of the mums I meet in the park work. Also cost of living is rising (though not as much as the uk) so people do want to work to support the family.

On Saturdays I try to let DH rest and get his energy back, maybe take DS to the park or to a cafe. We might go out for dinner or go to the mall for fun.
There are some amazing child friendly shopping malls near us, we recently visited Grandberry in Minami Machida and it was so fun. Snoopy stuff everywhere!!

On Sunday we usually go to church and just started trying one that is having Christmas party all throughout December which has been really fun. DS gets to see his little buddies and it’s so cute.

DH has a wedding to attend this Sunday so I think on Saturday we’ll chill, maybe go to the park. I’ll maybe text some park buddies if they’re around.
Sunday we’ll go to church and hang out with friends, people hang out there for a while so I think I’ll treat myself DS to some maccy’s.

When we went back this year the difference in service was funny - a cultural shock for DH.
Also no one wearing masks was so weird, I’m so used to it now!

Not bowing! I’m so used to doing a little head bow just as part of my communication and body language I couldn’t stop it even in the UK.

Will you be able to apply for Japanese citizenship at some point? Do you have the legal rights as Japanese citizens, aside from not bring able to own property? In your shoes, I think I would apply if possible, as it sounds as if you’re in a vulnerable position otherwise.

I’d love to visit Japan (my DH has and wants to go back).

*same legal rights

@tanitani What a lovely thread - My BIL is married to a Japense woman and 3 DCs - he cannot own a house I believe but his DC1 has come over to a British University because she has dual nationality ( but expensive given overseas fees ) Other daughter will go to college ( university in Tokyo ) They live in a suburb of Tokyo

Oh and just to say he has bought a flat in Britain because even though 28 years married to his Japanese wife - not allowed to own property

Do you have any tips for learning Japanese? DS 14 is taking Japanese at school and is really interesting in visiting. He loves the culture and the food.

Whats your favourite Japanese festival?
I had a Japanese pen pal once and she used to send lovely photos from the sakura festival there.

Really interested in some of the things you've said, as I worked in Tokyo for a year in my early 20s, which I absolutely LOVED, and it sounds like some things have changed quite a bit? So I have a bit of an interview for you, sorry!

1. Is Tokyo now quite a multicultural city, as you said that it's about 90% Japanese? I would have put it closer to 98% Japanese when I was there in 2000. Would usually be the only non-Japanese person on a street, and when my ex, who is black, visited, he almost stopped traffic.

1. Can you easily find clothes and shoes in your size? I'm relatively petite, but had to give up on that, especially finding size 5 UK shoes anywhere!

1. How worried are you about earthquakes? The thing I found hardest to get used to was being woken every few weeks by the furniture gently knocking against the walls and the letterbox flap banging slightly, due to a minor earthquake.

1. I often took the lift up to my office at the same time as a grumpy older guy who worked for a different company on the floor above us. It was months until I realised that he was annoyed because he was expecting me, being both female and younger, to act as lift operator for him, rather than take 'his' prime spot in the corner furthest from the controls. Is that kind of mentality still prevalent?

1. You mentioned the dating scene. How do people meet? Is society still quite segregated socially, as the Japanese women I hung out with only tended to socialise among females? None of them would have dreamt of going to a bar,

particularly not in the big expat 'den of iniquity' of Roppongi, and they were fairly sniffy about the type of Japanese woman who did frequent those establishments. Has all that changed?

1. Hairdressers. Do they still put that sheet of tissue over your face while they're washing your hair, to avoid any mutual embarrassment in meeting each other's eyes while you are in a reclining position??

(One friend was horrified when she was about to go to the hairdressers while here in the UK and I warned her that the face-covering thing wasn't done everywhere in the world 😁).

1. I'm also veggie and it was indeed tricky to eat out in Japan! Sounds like there is more awareness of what it entails now, and you no longer need lengthy discussions with the chef over whether vegetarians eat rice, or have an entire restaurant stop eating to witness an entire tray of just cucumber sushi being delivered to the weird woman in the corner? Do they still sneak meat into random things to keep you on your toes though, such as those doughnuts that actually look like they are sweet??

I think with citizenship you have more protection, I’m almost six years here and married for almost four. I think my next visa extension it might be a good stronger position to qualify for it, so I think we’ll try!

however the six months out of the country might count against us so need to research a little more first.

Right? It’s ridiculous. Does he have permanent residency now?

It depends how he learns! I do not excel in a self-taught capacity so I needed a private tutor and/or language school. If you have the funds for this I’d recommend it wholeheartedly to support his learning. Bonus if you can get a native speaker who can give a sort of cultural experience feel.

If there are any Japanese meet ups or events near you, and in general just finding what you love about it. Find the anime or manga he adores - music etc
its so much easier for me to keep going when I find a new drama I love.
if he isn’t already the current popular one is spy family or demon slayer (bit gruesome though so your call on that one!)

dating a Japanese person also helps but he’s a bit young for that one maybe 😆

The cherry blossoms will forever be my favourite season. Nothing compares.

I like children’s day - think it’s really sweet and I love dressing DS in his jinbei and setting up the photo.

girl’s day and children’s day both have lovely displays that people usually bring out that are just beautiful. Search “hina dolls”.

I love this. Okay one by one!

1. I’m terrible at estimating things so you may still be right at 98%. Me and DH’s pattern of Asian male white female still warrants a double take sometimes. Mostly it’s the other way round.
2. I am very very small so fit into everything here! Very lucky.
3. I’m not super worried just because I haven’t experienced many big ones. Ignorance is bliss. But if there was a huge one they predict catastrophic damage to Tokyo - doomsday prediction they roll out every now and then. In school we do regular earthquake drills with the kids (hilariously difficult with nursery age kids) as part of school life, most families if they’re prepared have an earthquake bag near the front door with emergency supplies.
4. oh gosh yes I’m afraid this type of “ojisan” probably still exists. The general rule is the person who is standing next to the buttons is in charge of the lift. It’s just polite and kind. However in a company building there are more superior/subordinate rules so I would not be surprised if the really elder workers still acted like this. They can get stuffed though. I would hazard a guess that it is much less than it was though.
5. Many people meet someone at/near work or university friends etc. The working culture does make it difficult to meet people. If there’s a hobby you regularly do that would be your social outlet. I think younger people are much more into clubbing etc than it sounds like they were but I’d assume late twenties on it’s still the same.
6. Yes! I love it! Also at the dentist funnily enough.
7. Yes they still have things listed as “vegetable curry” or “vegetable dish” but it just means there are lots of veggies, not that it’s meat free. Plant based is becoming a trend that is really helping me with eating out - although I would assume the more countryside you are the less aware people are. You definitely have to double check everything but they are much more open to substitutes etc now so I can usually ask for something to have the meat not added and have it accommodated. That said I’m a sucker for eating my favourites all the time so tend to frequent the same places!

My son spent a year at Kyoto university as part of his degree, he absolutely loved it. Sent lots of photos of the countryside around and the shrines etc. I thought the countryside looked very pretty .Apparently it was just as great as I thought.He visited the shrines and had many conversations with the priests/monks(?), and found them very welcoming and happy to answer questions. One of the things he liked, apart from vending machines where it seemed he could buy anything, was that although there was a huge amount of paperwork it seemed to be very efficient. He even voted in a local election! Would you say his impressions matched yours?

Sorry if this is an odd question but it's something I saw on the internet and wondered if it was applicable all over Japan. I saw that the toilets over there are basically sunk into the ground and you have to squat as opposed to sitting on a toilet. Is that true?

Thank you for answering! This is very interesting.

If you don’t mind answering- it there a very strong expectation of gender roles? Does your husband help in the house?

Oh gosh Kyoto is beautiful - I'm glad he had a good time!

Yes vending machines are everywhere and you can find all sorts. The main ones are just drinks and the very obscure ones are not easily found but I saw one recently that had ramen??? Both me and DH gave it a miss though for obvious reasons!

Yes when Japan works well it is the most efficient place on the planet - highly doubt all the forms are necessary but when things go according to plan they're great. Things are also faster that way - if you come home and miss a delivery they can re-deliver the same day, the trains are never late and I can always see the doctor when I need to. Often with no appointment - or at least the appointments are definitely available. Also no catchment area with GP's so you can register anywhere you like.

He's not wrong about the paperwork though!

Those toilets are around a lot - but most public places will have western toilets. It tends to be the older stations or public places, or more countryside where the toilets haven't been updated as much.

So you can poop as you are accustomed to!🤗

Gender roles are still very set - Japan is fifty years behind give or take.

DH definitely does his part though - we've talked about it a lot and always had the whole "we both live here, we both make mess, we both clean up" mentality.
I tend to do the majority just because I'm here more, and he is genuinely snowed under with everything he has to do at work (new job so lots to learn). It's also thanks to his hard work that we were able to come back to Japan, so I'm happy to hold the fort mostly for now. I do burn out from time to time though.

It's a delicate conversation so I haven't been able to talk too much to my Japanese girlfriends for fear of offending them (I still lack Japanese when it comes to delicate topics, it's too easy for me to be too direct still) so I'm not sure why many Japanese women put up with it. It can depend on the area (again the more countryside the more traditional things tend to be in all areas) but many men do seem to switch off a bit at home.

But then if it's enabled and not challenged - they tend to get a bit lost in their homes. I've noticed I have my rhythm of doing things so sometimes when DH helps but it's not how I'd do it, it doesn't always help? if that makes sense.

A lot stems from working culture I feel, in Japan work is number one. At your wedding your company bosses sit at the front, family at the back as they're hosting.
So men are working long hours, in addition to mandatory after-work drinking parties for customer relations etc. Women take maternity leave (it made national news here when one politician took his two weeks paternity leave) and get stuck in running the home and all the appointments, nursery applications, baby weaning toilet training etc., and when the men come home they're often exhausted etc. so not much energy to contribute.
I used to look down on it but then when we were in the UK I was working long hours in a care home. When I came home, I had to go straight in to mum mode and on my days off I was torn between playing with DS and just getting some much needed rest. This opened my eyes to a lot of what DH experiences and has been a valuable experience for me/us.

That being said, I do see a lot of my friends' husband pitching in and spending time with the kids on weekends. And more and more younger men seem genuinely excited about fatherhood. Not that previous generations weren't - but it seems like things are getting more balanced.
Some brave Japanese women had to speak out and got a lot of flack for it though.

Social change is happening in Japan but unfortunately it takes several generations to come through -

I think I remember your old thread!

I think a lot has been covered. I'm interested in why there's such a reluctance to avoid confrontation, or to let people know when they're offended.

Or an easy recipe and method for the kitsune udon, please!

Do you vlog?

Do you know any of the common jvloggers? Kimonomom, Poulo in Tokyo, Chris - Abroad in Japan?

What job did you do before you married? Did you need a degree?

Such an interesting thread! Do Japanese people go on holiday much if they have such little annual leave?