I am a celebrity nanny… AMA

[VIPNanny]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I know I would have been curious about my job if I wasn’t doing it, so I figured I would help answer some questions people might have about what it’s like to nanny for rich/well-known families.

One of the best threads I've read on MN, not just because it's about being a celebrity nanny but because of you and how lovely you come across OP, thank you!

I think with breastfeeding though it's not just about hunger

Also regular night feeds are important in the early months to establish supply

Im just mentioning that as I wouldn't expect many breastfed babies to sleep 6 hours in the first 3 months and this is completely normal it's not a sign that the baby is hungry

I guess it depends how much the mother wants to exclusively breastfeed versus having sleep at night

www.laleche.org.uk/breastfeeding-at-night/

3 months is so young 😢 I can’t believe it. This is where I think I would start to become really judgemental of the parents I was working for if I had a sobbing baby and the mum just wanted sleep.

@LadyAria oh, thank you!

@pamplemoussee oh yes, I know that at first baby needs to breast feed a lot to establish supply, and I don’t take a baby being awake as a baby necessarily being hungry, plenty of reasons for baby to potentially wake up during the night other than hunger and that’s also why I said I don’t really expect breastfed babies to be sleeping through consistently until they start off on solid due to all the parameters surrounding breastfeeding.

The problem is that sometimes it’s either very clear that mom through no fault of her own isn’t producing enough supply or that she just doesn’t feed regularly enough to keep up with the supply needed for example mom isn’t always there to feed, or always keen to be woken up as regularly as baby need to feed but if I am not allowed to top up with formula or if she doesn’t express her milk, I am then having to stretch baby way more than I should and then what he gets simply isn’t enough for his age. If a baby is 3 months old and mom only produces 80-90ml of milk every couple of hours it’s just not enough. It will be enough to make him quiet when the hunger sets in but quickly he/she will be hungry again and I won’t be able to have baby feed again until a while.

The problem is that sometimes parents have unrealistic expectations. They want to exclusively breastfeed, but they (parents) don’t want to be woken up more than once or twice a night after the first week of life and expect me to work my magic and make baby sleep through almost immediately by teaching him to learn to live off what he gets. That’s not how it works though. I can’t teach a kid to get used to not getting enough milk or to sleep through hunger. The thing is, because they aren’t doing the tough parts. It’s easy to think that what they are asking has no consequences or can be done when it can’t do so the hard part of breastfeeding (in my case where mom doesn’t spend as much time with baby outside of it as the average mom might) is that it can very hard to make a mother understand the importance of supply and that while yes your body is producing milk it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s producing exactly the amount baby needs, and while yes consistency is important and I preach it, a tough authoritarian routine on a 0-12 weeks baby is bonkers. But that’s the reality some want the kid but don’t want to be bothered by it and you are expected to make a 1 month old sleep through or only wake his mother once and if you don’t manage (and it’s impossible) you are seen as not being good enough at your job because they expect baby to fit within their routine and not for their routine to fit around baby’s needs.

I always say that the hardest part of my job (no matter if celebrity, rich or not) is the parents. Managing their expectations and making them understand their babies needs and that him crying isn’t him tantruming can be surprisingly tough.

I think parenting has been so romanticized (at least the baby stages) that a lot of parents simply aren’t ready for their life to change the way it does. They don’t grasp before birth that breastfeeding isn’t just this magical bonding experience for some women it’s absolute hell, it’s painful, it’s stressful as for some it’s not going well either due to latching issues, the anatomy of the breasts or lack of milk supply (plus very often mastitis not helping). It’s not a walk in the park and on top of that yes, baby feeds a lot in the first few weeks so it’s a process that needs to be repeated a lot and it can be very stressful both for mom and baby when it’s not going well because the worst it is the more often it needs to be done to not lose supply and because there is still this idealization of breastfeeding some mom won’t give up, or will refuse mix feeding which ads to everybody’s stress and put so so much pressure on them.

Personally I think if you have a busy life and value your sleep, but still want to breastfeed mixed feeding is best so someone else can feed baby while you sleep or work or do what needs to be done. Choosing to exclusively breastfeed all while not wanting to wake up at night at all or more than a certain amount of times or not being able to breastfeed during certain windows of times due to commitments just isn’t going to work (and is very very unfair on baby!) and that’s something incredibly hard to have some mother grasps. That they aren’t failing by not breastfeeding at all times or even at all if that’s their choice but would actually be failing baby incredibly if they try to force them to not rely on regular feeds when they are that little.

Thankfully those issues only occur in rare occasions but those occasions are stressful enough that it often has to get to the point of having to threaten to quit as I refuse to be stretching kids through hunger for hours on end.

@biscuitLover3678 I see where you are coming from. But us nannies/mat nurses are there to support mum and sometimes what mums need are rest!

@BiscuitLover3678

It’s unfortunate, but most of the nannies like me start a few days before birth and we usually start working on the day baby comes home from hospital. Some moms want to sleep with babies but many don’t. The current baby I am with is bottle fed since birth so nights are 100% mine to do since the beginning and baby only spends a night a week with mom (my night off) so in their 2-3 months of life they have only had 10 night or so with mom.

So having mom intervene by the time baby is 3 months in the night would be so so stressful to be honest as I already see when I come back from my day off that they have had the most stressful night of their life, the routine has been thrown out the window, baby is grumpy and overtired, so is mom, and parents will act like they are the most sleep deprived person in the house and I can’t grasp how tiring it is to spend a night with baby (in those cases you just nod and smile at the irony! )

But yes, the problem is that even during the day it’s very hard for a lot of parents I work for to want to be the one to step in when baby cries because it’s not fun, so they usually expect me to handle it so by the time baby is 3 months they have lost (or never learned) to be exposed to their crying baby and usually they get frustrated by it unfortunately.

To be fair I try not to judge because I do think that if they were alone with baby for a week and he/she cried they would initially freak out and panic but then would quickly get themselves together and step up and do it and would have that instinct kicking in to tend to baby like they would have had I never been there. BUT they have paid someone to do it so they have the mental peace to know their baby isn’t actually being left to cry and that someone is soothing them and I wonder if that helps switch off the potential motherly instinct to have to do it themselves.

That’s something I am definitely curious about, and would be keen to hear about from someone who has had a night nanny as that’s not something I can really ask my boss “don’t you feel awful when your baby cry and you are out there sleeping?” there is no way to ask without guilting moms and again my job depends on them not wanting to step in so I guess I benefit from it and therefore wouldn’t want to do that, but I am genuinely curious if something happens that mean that if you know your baby is cared for at night, you don’t have the instinct to go on check? Or if you worry but politely chose to let me do my work? That’s an interesting topic but not sure how to get honest answers about it!

one can never have too many best friends would you like to be the kind of beast friend who sleep trains my two year olds for free?

In relation to going to check on DC when they cry in the night. I am very happy to let DH go and deal with crying and don’t feel like I have to go and check if I know it’s his turn I’ll often not even wake up.

But DS is 9 months and I express milk for DH to use.

I might have felt differently at 3 months though! I did all the night wakings until about 6 months because of breastfeeding. Only started pumping when I went back to work.

Reading with interest.

I was a celebrity nurse for many years looking after clients in their own homes - real A listers.

I won't start an AMA as don't want to fall foul of the NMC Rules but just to comment that the amount of 'bling' really increased over the decades. Back in the day someone would have a couple of designer handbags, not a roomful!

VIPNanny when I was much younger I was also a Maternity Nurse, and did all the night feeds as didn't have any breast-feeding mums! However I only used to stay for 4-6 weeks at a time, it was enough.

@SleepingStandingUp

Haha always happy to help though mind you I have more experience sleep training 2 months old than 2 years old. That being said it might be interesting for you to hire a sleep consultant for a day to come observe your routine and give you tips and tricks to try based on your routine and your kid’s habits.

@PinkPlantCase

I don’t blame you! I am rather am equally happy to leave baby behind with mom on my one night off. I miss her a bit but I would be lying if I didn’t say I manage to sleep rather soundly

@Westfacing

Nice to hear from a fellow colleague. What made you stop may I ask?

And I think social media means that even the average person feel pressured to own the latest iPhone and the latest high fashion. Even my siblings who earn minimum wage spend it all on high fashion and £1000 shoes, while the most expensive bag I have is probably £20 max.

So I do feel it has a lot to do with social media and people having way more insight into who wears what and own what etc…

@Westfacing I do agree that anything past 6 weeks starts to feel long and take its toll on the body when doing 24/6 now more and more want 6 months of 24/6 (!)

This has been a really interesting thread - thank you VIPNanny

Have you ever left a family before your contract was up and why ? have you ever left a family as you didn't get on ?

[quote VIPNanny]@BiscuitLover3678

It’s unfortunate, but most of the nannies like me start a few days before birth and we usually start working on the day baby comes home from hospital. Some moms want to sleep with babies but many don’t. The current baby I am with is bottle fed since birth so nights are 100% mine to do since the beginning and baby only spends a night a week with mom (my night off) so in their 2-3 months of life they have only had 10 night or so with mom.

So having mom intervene by the time baby is 3 months in the night would be so so stressful to be honest as I already see when I come back from my day off that they have had the most stressful night of their life, the routine has been thrown out the window, baby is grumpy and overtired, so is mom, and parents will act like they are the most sleep deprived person in the house and I can’t grasp how tiring it is to spend a night with baby (in those cases you just nod and smile at the irony! )

But yes, the problem is that even during the day it’s very hard for a lot of parents I work for to want to be the one to step in when baby cries because it’s not fun, so they usually expect me to handle it so by the time baby is 3 months they have lost (or never learned) to be exposed to their crying baby and usually they get frustrated by it unfortunately.

To be fair I try not to judge because I do think that if they were alone with baby for a week and he/she cried they would initially freak out and panic but then would quickly get themselves together and step up and do it and would have that instinct kicking in to tend to baby like they would have had I never been there. BUT they have paid someone to do it so they have the mental peace to know their baby isn’t actually being left to cry and that someone is soothing them and I wonder if that helps switch off the potential motherly instinct to have to do it themselves.

That’s something I am definitely curious about, and would be keen to hear about from someone who has had a night nanny as that’s not something I can really ask my boss “don’t you feel awful when your baby cry and you are out there sleeping?” there is no way to ask without guilting moms and again my job depends on them not wanting to step in so I guess I benefit from it and therefore wouldn’t want to do that, but I am genuinely curious if something happens that mean that if you know your baby is cared for at night, you don’t have the instinct to go on check? Or if you worry but politely chose to let me do my work? That’s an interesting topic but not sure how to get honest answers about it! [/quote]
It’s definitely very interesting. As somebody who has looked at infant attachment I do wonder how attached they are to their parents compared to you. Do you find you have a better bond with them than their parents?

Nice to hear from a fellow colleague. What made you stop may I ask?

The new-borns I only did for less than a year - was in between hospital nursing jobs. Maternity nurses were expected to have their charge sleeping through the night by the time they left after 4-6 weeks - this was achieved by the accepted practise at the time of a teaspoon or two of 'Sister Laura's' in the late night feed! It was some sort of cereal that thickened the feed and purchased from Boots in Notting Hill - I'm having vapours evening thinking about that now!

As for the agency being all hush-hush before interview - on my very first assignment aged 22 I was told it was someone famous and it was. On the fame scale today's equivalent would be on a par with Madonna/Clooney/Posh & Becks! I contained my excitement and have never been fazed since.

As for the VIP nursing assignments - I still do the odd bit here and there but I'm now semi-retired and a grandmother so don't have the time

@DPotter Have you ever left a family before your contract was up and why ? have you ever left a family as you didn't get on ?

I have only quit once in my entire career despite having had some families that truly overworked me and weren’t always the nicest/kindest because I usually try to get to the end of every commitment I make.

In this specific case I did like the family as in they were absolutely nice and lovely (in appearance and to your face) but completely tried to screw me over financially. They would make quite a lot of illegal request regarding the contract, would pay a few weeks late and then try to cut my pay in half or have me work extra hours for free. And it would all be made to be said by the PA while they played innocent and as if nothing was going on. For the longest time I was actually wondering if she was aware of the issues or not and then it became clear that they mom knew but was just playing dumb as she probably was terrified of confrontation and found it easier to hide behind the PA.

I quit because I put my everything into my work and if you are scheduling me to work 24/6 and then try and renegotiate my pay once I have already started my month and then try and corner me into paying me only half my rate and paying me weeks late then it showcases a complete lack of respect for me. That’s a multi-billionaire family, so not people counting pennies, unfortunately they chose to be economical with their staff and have no qualms putting them in difficult financial or legal positions. That’s the only people I really really wish I could say their names because unfortunately that wouldn’t surprise many people but it mostly upset me greatly that they get away with it and that agencies keep sending them more staff knowing what they know and how they don’t follow the law.

I was mostly heartbroken actually because I did really love the family and the staff and work environment and they had lots of potential to be amongst the best families (as like I said they were always very very nice and polite in their interaction with me and the rest of the staff) so it was so ridiculous that they would risk their staff by continuously being penny pinching and begrudging paying taxes etc…

That’s for me the worst side of my job. Seeing people who have billions begrudge giving protection and a legal status to their worker or having to pay them fair wages. They will drop 10k on a dress or 100k on chartering a private plane for a 2 hours trip and yet they will begrudge paying above minimum wage and paying taxes on their employees salaries, it’s ridiculous and quite infuriating and I will always wonder why people begrudge paying for childcare but not for luxury items.

@BiscuitLover3678

Do you find you have a better bond with them than their parents?

I don’t know if I have a better bond but I know them better. I know each of their cry, I know their routine by heart, I know what position they like to be held in best and what calms them down quickest when upset, I also know what they hate most and the position they absolutely do NOT want to be held in. And I do know what’s the quickest way to get each baby to sleep quickly when tired based on their preferences and likings. Those are things you can only learn by spending lots of time with the kids and doing their routine in full days for days. So sometimes I see parents positioning baby in a way that will make them fussy or parents thinking they are crying for food when really they ate 1 hour ago and are clearly specifically crying because they are tired as that’s their tired cry not hungry one. So it’s the little things.

I do know that the babies I look after are usually really attached to me though and the current baby really have a need to maintain eye contact with me when being picked up by somebody else as if to confirm they are safe and I have approved.

I think I have a different bond with them than their parents, based on how much time I spend with them but also on the nature or our relationship. Ultimately mom is mom and dad is dad though and nothing can change that and I think that’s something we can all attest to, you can have the worst parents in the entire world and there is still an unexplainable part or you that will love them no matter what and who will make you want to try and bond with them and that bond as complex
as it is will never be rivaled by any other really.

And ultimately I am only here for a few months, they will go through so many caregivers in their life and their parents will always be the unchangeable in their life (or well most of their life hopefully) so mom and dad remain the most precious thing they have really.

@Westfacing
Thank you for sharing, really interesting to hear of the practices of the time! I haven’t had a parent ask me to pour something into the bottle to make sure baby slept (though on really tough night I definitely for a nano second imagined living in that era and the nice long nights of sleep people must have enjoyed! ) but I sometimes wonder what things I currently do that will be 100% frown upon in 20 years!

(Working 24/6 very likely!)

When you leave at end of three months do most families have a night nanny take over?

@Theredjellybean

Well it’s 3 months that can be extended so usually I try to leave only when baby is fairly settled in his/her routine and mostly sleep through as for them to have a good transition, I think most aim to only switch to a daytime nanny but I am sure some revert back to a night time one if baby doesn’t sleep that well after I leave. But usually the main goal is to transition to a daytime one.

This is the first thread I've read from start to finish. Very interesting OP! Thanks for the insight and you do sound lovely. Wish I had your experience with my 3mo

I agree! Very interesting. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

@EatingPeanutButterWithASpoon

Thank you! Maybe for your next one!

This has been really interesting thanks.
We had a night nanny with twins one day a week until they were about 4, then we moved house alas... if they cried when she was with us I would mainly feel relief that I was going to get some more sleep, if they kept crying I would get up to give her a hand but this was rare

Really excellent AMA
I'm still intrigued as cannot see celebs and super rich getting up with their three month old baby at 6am to change nappy and give first bottle etc.
Do they get some kind of super day nanny that starts early and finishes late?
I'm thinking of the slebs you see jetting off on breaks all the time (they must be sooo tired)... With no sign of the children with them
I presumed they must have 24/7, nannies

@Theredjellybean

Well there is such thing as Rota nannies who work 24/7 for 1/2/3/4 weeks on and then off in rotation with another nanny. So yes some people have cover all year long 24/7.

Hi @VIPNanny...this thread is so interesting. This is a dull question(s) compared to some that you've been asked, but what is it like travelling by private jet? And how quickly do people get used to it?

I was actually thinking about this last night as I got off my EasyJet flight at Luton and queued with the masses!

Also, when people are travelling in luxury, do they tend to think 'thank god I'm not sitting in that grotty terminal with everyone else' or are they just totally oblivious to it all?