My son is a trans man AMA

[User444]

I have been interested in the AMA threads from trans people and thought it may be good to discuss from another perspective. I hope I won't be flamed for it. I have been a mumsnet member for many years since my now adult DC were much younger. I have name changed for this.

Just to note that it's customary on AMAs to answer each question in order, even if it's to say "i don't know" etc. There's another thread where the op has ignored 95% of the questions so may as well not be an AMA thread.

I'll start : does your son think that gender is an innate sense of being, or does he think that certain genders correspond to certain types of body (xx/xy)?

@MonsignorMirth thank you. This is my first (and possibly last) AMA.

He does not try to speak for anyone else, only himself and he has only said that he himself felt it was an innate sense of being. He has felt this way from a young age.

So he hasn't felt any pressure to change his body? That is so refreshing (and brave!) So often body dysmorphia seems to go hand in hand with being trans.

How did he identify that he was male?

How do you feel about it, honestly?

(Or a man, if he doesn't believe himself to be male - I possibly used the wrong word there referring to sex not gender)

Has he experienced violence for being trans and if so was the violence from men or women.

Hopefully not, but if your son was institutionalised e.g in a mental health ward or prison which section does he think he should be housed in? Women's or men's?

Do you have any other children, OP? How have you managed it as a family?

When your DC was younger what did you think about their personality and expect for them as they grew up - did you expect this?

I will try to answer the questions so far in one post. Sorry for the delay, I had to walk over to my son's house as he is doing dinner for us both.
Although he doesn't believe you can change sex he did want to change his body to help him feel "right" in himself. His body was the main issue as far as he was concerned. He has had a bilateral mastectomy, lower surgery, full oophorectomy and hysterectomy. He has never experienced violence due to being trans. He transitioned socially when still at secondary school but had been wearing boy's clothes from around age 10. He was always doing boy stuff from an early age and was a Taekwondo black belt at age 14. I have never been very feminine though and both my children grew up with a wide range of toys and activities of all kinds. As a family we did lots of camping, walking and cycling. I did not have any idea that he felt strong dysphoria until he was 14. I hadn't rely any knowledge of young people with gender dysphoria, only really being aware of Trans women, but only older ones. I also have a DD who is older than my DS. She knew about him being trans before he told me as she is non-binary and had guessed. She has lots of friends who are LGBT and is herself. As far as hospital or prison is concerned he has been in hospital since he transitioned and was on a male ward but it was all private bays so gender/sex would not have been a concern anyway. He looks male and has never been taken as being female since he transitioned socially.
Mo I never expected this, nor did I expect my DD to be bisexual and non-binary. But I am and always have been a very accepting and broad minded person and accept that this is how my children are. They are not hurting anyone. They both have good careers and own their own homes. They have friends and are happy. Of course I worry about my DS regarding his future health and well being, but try not to let him know that.

Thank you for starting this thread. Can I ask if you found it difficult to use my son when referring to him rather than my daughter? And I presume he changed his name was that difficult for you, did you use the wrong name sometimes?

Does his medical record record him as male or female and if not how will he ensure he will be called for the correct tests when he's older. This really worries me as he won't ever need a prostate check but will still need relevant female checks. Does he understand this and do you worry will it affect his mental health.

Although he doesn't believe you can change sex he did want to change his body to help him feel "right" in himself.

Oh blimey, that's quite a lot of surgery - that must've been really hard going. Hope he's all good and healthy now. I guess then he doesn't go along with the current gender ideology thinking that gender is innate and separate from sex as for your son it seems very much tied in with the body and feeling that it's the body that is wrong.

Admittedly this is what I thought being trans was about originally (gender dysphoria related to the body) before all the stuff about accepting people as innately women who are very outwardly male looking and vice versa. But some people get called transphobic when they say that bodies and genders are meant to "match". Would you say this is a common view among your child's peers ? Or would they take the view that a very feminine looking natal female could be just as male as, say, Daniel Craig, because it is purely down to their internal gender identity?

Do you believe that a person needs to at least have gender dysphoria to be trans or can anyone identify as trans regardless of their gender expression etc?

You said your daughter is non-binary - how do you feel about this? You have referred to them as 'she' so I assume you forget they don't have a gender? (I would too, we are so used to pronouns referring to actual sex, it's like re-learning language).

I note you say 'boy stuff' - do you believe some activities etc are "for boys" and some for girls? Do you think this has in any way affected your child's attitude towards gender stereotypes?

Can you say any more about how he identified that he was a boy/man? This is the part I really struggle with - to me, "boy" etc literally only means you have a male body. Yet clearly for him it means a LOT more. Are you able to expand on that at all?

How old are your children?

How old was your son when he had these surgeries? Was he on puberty blockers, and at what age did he start those?

He was always doing boy stuff from an early age

What do you mean by “boy stuff”?

@Weedsorwishes it felt a bit weird at first but he looked so male by the time he socially transitioned that it was easy to use the correct pronouns and yes he changed his name at the same time. Oddly he had chosen the name he would have had if he had been male at birth. He chose a combination of male family names though. I can't remember if I used the wrong name sometimes, maybe I did. It is 11 years ago now so difficult to remember. I do know that it seemed right somehow. He had always not fitted the female role and as though something was not quite right. I believe that helped me accept it, like his transition was like finding the missing piece of the jigsaw.
@Whinginadeville
I don't know if his medical record shows him as male. I think it does, but I do know his GP record has some marker on it indicating that he was female at birth. As he has no ovaries or cervix he doesn't need smear tests. The thing that worries me is his bone health as he has no natural hormones. He really should have gone scans but hasn't had one since he was going through his various surgeries and I would like him to be on Calcium/vitamin D supplements but of course he won't.
Sorry for the late replies by the way. We are having dinner. I am also having trouble getting the posts to upload under my new username.

Thanks for doing this OP and excuse me if this is a silly question, I’m not up on all the language and stuff and don’t know a hell of a lot about gender identity.

You say that your eldest (you said a daughter so I’m not sure if you use “she” or “they/them”) is non-binary. How does she/they dress? Is it entirely androgynous? Has she/they had an surgery or for her/them is gender identity all internal and not to do with the physical body? And if so has that caused conflict with your DS, as clearly he believes that his body wasn’t matching what he felt inside?

He had always not fitted the female role

Could you explain what you mean by the ‘female role’, what that is exactly? and who was asking or expecting him to “fit” that role?

He was always doing boy stuff from an early age and was a Taekwondo black belt at age 14. I have never been very feminine though and both my children grew up with a wide range of toys and activities of all kinds. As a family we did lots of camping, walking and cycling.

What do you/he define as ‘boy stuff’ and how does having a Taekwondo black belt define either sex or gender? I know girls of the same age who do martial arts at a high level, what was it about that sport that felt unfemale?

Just wanted to say that I hope your son is happy and healthy and that’s all that matters!

I'd also like to know about this 'boy stuff' idea.
As a child I loved Lego and Meccano, etc, then later on physics, maths and coding, which has been my career, so 'man stuff', if you like. I am routinely the only female in the room!
But it never occurred to me that this meant I had an inherent mismatch with my body parts.
How did your son come to feel that it was, and that it must mean that he was not a girl?

Oh dear so many questions. I will do my best to answer them all. I suppose saying he liked boy stuff was the wrong term. The reason I had a wide range of toys was because I was a childminder. My son would play with mostly gender neutral things like the zoo animals, train set and toy farm. When young he would be helping his Dad with DIY stuff, be out riding his bike, but also happy to be in Rainbows, Brownies and Guides, but aged 13was wanting to move to Scouts but not telling me why. He just said they did more interesting stuff. Like when they did things like makeovers or pamper sessions at Guides he didn't go. He is now a Scout Leader by the way. When he eventually told me how he felt he said he knew something was wrong when younger but didn't know how to describe it.
He did have puberty blockers at 14 and a half then testosterone from 16 and a half. Neither of these were initiated by the Tavistock but the Tavistock did take over his treatment later on. I am not prepared to go into full details about who treated him. Some of his surgery was private but mostly NHS and he was 18 for surgery.

hi op

thanks for this thread

how much time off work did your son need for the surgeries....over what period of time did they take place?