My partner is addicted to crack and heroin AMA

[Adventuritis]

Just want to be able to help if anyone has suspicions about a loved one...
There are so many misconceptions.

You sound addicted to him OP.

You even said the classic line “ I could give up anytime I wanted to, and maybe I will”

Are you concerned that you'll become his crutch and that walking away will be fraught with guilt and fear of how it will affect him?

Honestly whats the point? Not really an AMA coz I dont care but whats the point! Reads like a worst nightmare scenario and I'd question the value you place on yourself? Its different being paid to work with addicts/mentally ill-but actively choosing that for yourself hmmmm??
Associating and socialising with addicts, who truly feel they have nothing to live for as you said..
I dont understand it and I dont want to just glad its not my life..

I suppose this is what I mean by misconceptions. He's not continually (not ever) slumped in a corner with a needle in his arm. He cooks, he cleans, he works on my car, we go out or watch a film. We have as close to a normal life as most other people.

OP, I'm struggling to believe you're being serious here. My sister is an addiction counsellor with the health service, so I'm not unfamiliar with the notion of functional heroin addicts who hold down jobs and still remember their mums' birthdays while using. But you're kidding yourself if you think that it's normal to have a boyfriend who relies on homeless charities to feed and clothe him and buy his toiletries, while benefits fund his crack and heroin habit, and you behave as though this is equivalent to being a smoker or being addicted to cake.

We have as close to a normal life as most other people

Come on OP, he doesn't work and claims benefits to pay for crack and heroin which he takes 3 times a day, and lets homeless charities pay for everything else he needs in life. That is nothing like a normal life, and its not how most people live.

My question is what happened to you that you think this is anyway to live?

I bet he can't believe his luck finding you!! You're deluded OP.

I have to agree, you can't normalise his issues. He's abusing seriously addictive psychoactive drugs in lethal combination.

I admire you wanting to help drug addicts, to understand their traumatic lives and to treat them with empathy and respect. I just think you'd be better training in that field, you clearly have a passion for helping people. You would be able to keep some emotional distance while still being supportive.

Yours isn't a normal relationship in that the dynamic is completely skewed. It's all very well having deep reflective conversations about coming off heroin after you've just shot up and you're buzzing. He will be numb, whilst you're hoping your chats will help him. It will take a nuclear missile to change his twenty year mindset. You have to be realistic, particularly as he is taking no steps to change.

I'm concerned that you're giving too much of yourself here, you're far too invested emotionally and you will both end up with a rather toxic dependence on each other.

I love your optimism and kindness but love and understanding is never usually enough to fix broken people. You are trying to be his rock but would be be yours if you needed it?

SmileyClare

Are you concerned that you'll become his crutch and that walking away will be fraught with guilt and fear of how it will affect him?

If she is, she shouldn't be. He'll shake himself off and move onto the next mug who'll prop him up.

Are you concerned that you'll become his crutch

I think she should be more concerned that he is her crutch!

True. It does sound a bit 'rescuer'to me.

My question is what is his personal hygiene like?

Why are you still with this person? They need to get clean by themselves before you should allow them back. Enabling does not encourage people to get clean.

do you work op?

You sound addicted to him OP That's what I thought too. It's very common in co-dependent relationships.

I'm an addict in recovery OP (smack + methadone, no crack) and can honestly tell you that addicts always place their drug of choice as more important than anything else, nothing comes remotely close. Are you Ok with that? My addiction was caused by childhood trauma and I found heroin helped to blot it out. I found anti-depressants to be most helpful since detoxing from opiates. Has he considered this? (I do feel drug services would work much more efficiently if they worked more in tandem with MH services as I've never met an addict who hadn't suffered some kind of trauma.)

Would you like him to stop? He'll be a very different person (not the one you fell in love with) if/when he does.

What a catch he sounds! 🙄

There are billions of men on the planet and you choose THIS guy??

Never met an addict to haven't suffered some kind of trauma
I agree with this, I think the need to 'dissociate' (via drugs or other methods) is directly related to having learned that way of coping with overwhelming trauma as a child

You say he seems mentally stuck at a very young age. I think it was Marian Keyes in Rachel's Holiday who said that an addict stops their development at the point where they first become addicted. I've heard the same about anorexia.

How is he getting the money for drugs?

No he doesn't sell the methadone. I suppose this is what I mean by misconceptions. He's not continually (not ever) slumped in a corner with a needle in his arm. He cooks, he cleans, he works on my car, we go out or watch a film. We have as close to a normal life as most other people. He uses a small amount at a time to keep cravings under control as opposed to using to get high.

I grew up in a household with an addict. He might only be using a 'small amount', but he is stealing from the homeless charity for food etc because he is squandering his money on drugs (which by the way, funds some pretty disgusting things), he is not living a 'normal' life. You are deluded, naieve and pretty ridiculous if you think he is. He has been offered support, yes it's fucking hard, it's not as easy as just having it offered, but he has no incentive to change. If he did, he would likely be able to work, contribute to both society and to the finances between you, rather than revolving his life around drugs. There are misconceptions about addicts, yes, but a lot of them are true.

You're normalising and minimising this. Your are reframing and excusing sub-optimal, harmful, inappropriate and illegal behaviour.

Please seek help.

It feels like there's a real overlap between being his partner and adopting a 'carer' role. I'd need a partner I could depend on as well as him depending on me and he doesn't sound like he is...

Unfortunately it sounds like a complete misuse of public funds...

It's sounds as if you mother him. What is the age difference between you two. And what does your family think of him. I am just worried if he is that desperate that he would share a needle with someone with HIV and not tell you.

He would NEVER EVER share needles. They're easy to get a most pharmacies so no need. To be honest he's never really with anyone else when using anyway.
He's regularly tested for Hep C.

Although needles are easily available, addicts by nature live chaotic lives and often run out. I've shared needles in the past. Most addicts do, no matter how much they deny it. If he doesn't care if he lives or dies (your words) he's not going to be concerned about BBVs is he? At the very least protect yourself. Or do you have a similar death-wish to him?

@GeidiPrimes

You sound addicted to him OP That's what I thought too. It's very common in co-dependent relationships.

I'm an addict in recovery OP (smack + methadone, no crack) and can honestly tell you that addicts always place their drug of choice as more important than anything else, nothing comes remotely close. Are you Ok with that? My addiction was caused by childhood trauma and I found heroin helped to blot it out. I found anti-depressants to be most helpful since detoxing from opiates. Has he considered this? (I do feel drug services would work much more efficiently if they worked more in tandem with MH services as I've never met an addict who hadn't suffered some kind of trauma.)

Would you like him to stop? He'll be a very different person (not the one you fell in love with) if/when he does.

@GeidiPrimes, good and sympathetic post, and from a place of obvious knowledge. Have you considered doing an AMA about how you got to the stage you're at now?

Do you think it’s a coincidence he has latched on to someone who takes this all in her stride and normalises it? Must be great for him. You? Not so much.

I’m a recovering addict/alcoholic. This sounds so, so far from healthy for either of you, but especially you. I don’t know you, but my heart aches for you. Why have you set the bar so low for yourself that you’re quite happy to facilitate a crack and heroin addict?