My ex partner is a big time drug dealer

[ebsmahogany]

NC of course.

This was before I had my DC. He has a daughter who we had the majority of the time.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Have you dated anyone else involved in drugs or other crime since him?

No I haven't.

@flowerbombVR

Is he your ds father ?

No he isn't.

@Twilightstarbright

How old were you when you were in a relationship? Was there an age gap?

I was twenty when we split up. He is five years older than me

@KaptainKaveman

Clearly his 'career' wasn't that successful if he ended up in prison.

The drug trade is largely responsible for the escalating murder rate of young males in this country. Drug gangs are the scourge of society. Will you pass this message onto to your children, OP?

No, it wasn't that successful. Almost all people in the same line of work end up in a similar way. It isn't a sustainable lifestyle.

I will, of course, pass this on to my children. It is something that I am passionate about and it will be drilled into them from a young age.

@KaptainKaveman

How many young people's lives do you estimate your 'boyfriend' ruined, OP? how many murders is he responsible for?

He isn't responsible for any murders, at least not to my knowledge. I really don't believe that he is.

The lives he "ruined" would have been those that he supplied drugs to and the people that loved them. I can't even begin to estimate how many people would have taken the drugs that he supplied.

@ineedsun

I'm not sure if this is a question to all the posters or a reflection.

Why is it that if someone posted 'I am the other woman AMA', they would (and have been) torn a new one, but someone comes on and talks about knowingly being in a relationship with a drug dealer and all this entails, who had a daughter who was witness to it, and that they enjoyed the lifestyle and this person gets lots of salacious questions?

Which questions that have been asked are ‘salacious’?

@Restlessinthenorth

Some of these messages seem really hostile. Life happens, not everyone makes perfect choices. People can reflect on mistakes, learn from them and make changes, as the OP clearly is. Everyone deserves another chance in life and don't need to be repeatedly bashed for things that have happened in the past.

OP, you don't need to spend the rest of your life apologising for this, nor holding on to guilt that is essentially useless. I admire how much you have reflected on your own weaknesses, are able to own them and work to try and move on from them. Good for you. I wish you and your children happiness and new beginnings

Thank you. I think one day I will forgive myself and move on but that day isn't here yet. I want to be a good person and will forever be sorry for what I was a part of.

@tedx

How much drugs did he deal with for your lifestyle, as in are we talking kilos and kilos to fund that lifestyle. Was it a case of "work" a few weeks and you're set for the next few months or is it a constant ongoing operation.

Also, are his takeaway businesses still operating?

Is he Asian? There's a very high proportion of Asian drug dealers where I live.

Yes, we are talking kilos. A month or two of "work" would have us set for a few months but he tended not to take breaks, it was a constant operation. However, other people he worked with would keep things running if he wanted time off.

The takeaway businesses are not running anymore.

He isn't Asian, he is mixed race (black and white).

@ineedsun

I'm not sure if this is a question to all the posters or a reflection.

Why is it that if someone posted 'I am the other woman AMA', they would (and have been) torn a new one, but someone comes on and talks about knowingly being in a relationship with a drug dealer and all this entails, who had a daughter who was witness to it, and that they enjoyed the lifestyle and this person gets lots of salacious questions?

I don't have anything else to say to your comment, but I do want to say his daughter was very young at the time. She was a baby/toddler and whilst that doesn't make it better, she luckily won't remember any of it and was much too young to understand most of what was going on.

Did he/you have assets taken when he was arrested?

@ThreeTwoOneGoo

Did he/you have assets taken when he was arrested?

Yes, pretty much everything was taken including the house and the cars. All of the nice clothes, the televisions.

@GiraffeWithSwag

....follow up question too please....do you think or k ow if he has a secret stash for when he gets out? Off shore accounts, security inbox somewhere or maybe friends looking after funds for when he’s released? Thank you for answering these questions.

I don't know for sure whether he has any money hidden, he had never and would never tell me that but I am pretty certain that he does. He has very loyal friends who I am sure would hold on to money for him and he was always making contingency plans.

That isn't based upon anything except the fact that I know him very well and know that prison was always a very real thing for him. I think when he comes out he will be just fine in terms of money.

How did he do at school? Would you say he is intelligent? I ask because I think often the stereotype drug dealer is someone who fails at school, falls on the wrong path etc when it always strikes me that to be running such a big business/employing so many that you must need to be pretty smart and organised

Thank you for this fascinating AMA.

Have you ever read the book Random Family? It's an absolutely astonishing chronicle of the lives of two young women living in the South Bronx, starting in the 80s when they were 14/15. I mention it because one of the girls was for some time a girlfriend of the legendary dealer of the time Boy George, and the book goes into detail about how his drug operation worked. (He made millions, and went to supermax when he got busted; I think he's still there.) As a book it really really opened my eyes to how people can make objectively terrible decisions because they grow up in an environment of such total poverty, and how hard it is to make a legit living even working at it like grim death in that environment.

Also, what's with all the moral hectoring thinly veiled as "questions", trying to hold OP completely responsible for IDK the existence of a drugs trade? OP has already said repeatedly that she was very young, she was not involved at all with the dealing, and she is now completely out of it and feels very guilty.

@satsumasaturday

How did he do at school? Would you say he is intelligent? I ask because I think often the stereotype drug dealer is someone who fails at school, falls on the wrong path etc when it always strikes me that to be running such a big business/employing so many that you must need to be pretty smart and organised

How did he do at school? Would you say he is intelligent? I ask because I think often the stereotype drug dealer is someone who fails at school, falls on the wrong path etc when it always strikes me that to be running such a big business/employing so many that you must need to be pretty smart and organised

He passed all of his GCSEs but left school after that, he is very intelligent and it was one of the things that I loved about him, we could talk about a lot of things in great depth. He is organised, I'd often think about how much quicker things would have gone south if he weren't so clever. A lot of work went into running the businesses.

@Respectabitch

Thank you for this fascinating AMA.

Have you ever read the book Random Family? It's an absolutely astonishing chronicle of the lives of two young women living in the South Bronx, starting in the 80s when they were 14/15. I mention it because one of the girls was for some time a girlfriend of the legendary dealer of the time Boy George, and the book goes into detail about how his drug operation worked. (He made millions, and went to supermax when he got busted; I think he's still there.) As a book it really really opened my eyes to how people can make objectively terrible decisions because they grow up in an environment of such total poverty, and how hard it is to make a legit living even working at it like grim death in that environment.

Also, what's with all the moral hectoring thinly veiled as "questions", trying to hold OP completely responsible for IDK the existence of a drugs trade? OP has already said repeatedly that she was very young, she was not involved at all with the dealing, and she is now completely out of it and feels very guilty.

I've never read it but I'm actually looking for a new book to read over Christmas so I may just have to buy it - thank you!

Yes, it is astonishing, the paths that people find themselves down as a result of a deprived upbringing. I knew so many people that were selling drugs because they felt like they had no choice and that they weren't worthy or capable of doing anything else. It's so ingrained in the culture of some societies.

This is the book, btw: www.amazon.co.uk/Random-Family-Drugs-Trouble-Coming/dp/0007163436?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 I think it's a towering achievement and potentially a life-changing read.

Good luck to you.

How did he get caught? Was he under surveillance?

What did your friends and sister think of you dating him/ living with him, especially as you were young (late teens)?

I have never lived anywhere where I have known about the local drug dealer because they’re ‘famous’ in the area (not saying I’ve lived in perfect areas, it’s quite possible that I just wasn’t aware of drug dealers in the area!). If a friend told me they were dating a drug dealer, I would be horrified and tell them it was a terrible idea. Did no one say this to you?

@Respectabitch

This is the book, btw: www.amazon.co.uk/Random-Family-Drugs-Trouble-Coming/dp/0007163436?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 I think it's a towering achievement and potentially a life-changing read.

Good luck to you.

Thank you ❤️

@TinkersRucksack

How did he get caught? Was he under surveillance?

Yes, he was being watched. Our home got raided early in the morning and they found money and drugs as well as some incriminating text messages.

My sister is three years younger than me so she didn't understand it too much, she worried about me a lot and was worried about my parents finding out. She got on well with my ex and liked him, but didn't like what he did.

My friends were a little apprehensive at first and told me it wasn't a good idea, but honestly they didn't really care,it wasn't seen as a big thing after the first few months. They worried about me a lot in the last few weeks as that's when I actually started to be in danger.

I did have one or two friends that weren't happy at all and told me to stay away, but again, they just accepted it in the end.

How come you were attracted to him? What was your upbringing like for you to be attracted to someone so immoral? Genuinely interested, I can see that someone from a very comfortable upbringing could be attracted to the danger and bad boys, and someone from an unstable background could be attracted to the same because its what they know ?

I don't know, I'm not sure if it had anything to do with my upbringing. We never struggled for money but it was unstable, with a few traumatic events that still stick out to me. But I wouldn't say dangerous. Maybe it is because I liked the danger.

As I'm typing this I am realising that I did like the danger actually, in the beginning I found it exciting and I felt "cool" but I'm not sure if that's what initially attracted me to him. In my head it was him and I against the world. Immature and pathetic, I know.

I am still attracted to "bad boys" and I really don't know why, I wish I wasn't. I've grown up enough now that I just stay away.

I don't really have any questions, I just think it's all very interesting from a social psychology point of view. I'd love to know more about your background but I understand that it could be quite outing. Thanks for sharing!