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AMA

My ex partner is a big time drug dealer

148 replies

ebsmahogany · 14/12/2020 20:58

NC of course.

This was before I had my DC. He has a daughter who we had the majority of the time.

OP posts:
ebsmahogany · 15/12/2020 12:41

@Gooseygoosey12345

I don't really have any questions, I just think it's all very interesting from a social psychology point of view. I'd love to know more about your background but I understand that it could be quite outing. Thanks for sharing!
Without outing myself, I grew up in a village with both my parents together and with my younger sister. We lived comfortably, had a holiday abroad every year and never had to struggle for money. I went to comprehensive/state schools and did well at school, I got mostly A's and A*'s in my exams.

I was a young carer for my mum for a few years in secondary school and my parents' had a very toxic/abusive relationship. I remember one time researching women's refuges whilst my mum was looking for houses, I must've been about 11 or 12. It was very chaotic and I found myself parenting my sister a lot of the time. There were times when they were terrible parents but also times where they were really good.

I was always secretly "naughty", I would smoke and drink from year 8 onwards but my parents never knew, so I was never seen as a problem child or off the rails. I was also well liked by teachers and did well at school, but would drink or smoke weed at lunch time.

I'm not sure if any of that is relevant at all but that's my background.

I didn't do A levels because I was unmotivated and doing drugs, went on a bit of a slippery path but I really don't know why. My parents were never aware of the drug use and just thought I was lazy.

OP posts:
JudgeRindersMinder · 15/12/2020 12:59

I don’t have any questions, but thank you for answering so openly, you’re not in any denial about your previous life, just try to stay away from the bad lads!

Respectabitch · 15/12/2020 13:10

I do think it's probably very relevant that you grew up with an abusive father and were forced into caring responsibilities. You weren't coming from a stable base or good relationship models.

Do you think you were/are a positive influence on your ex's daughter? Was her mother's death related to his dealing?

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 15/12/2020 13:31

@NoDabbingPlease

For the record I'm not lookimg for money laundering tips Grin. Just curious. I know in Breaking Bad they used a car wash for it.
Sorry OP i don't have a question for you, although it's been an interesting read.

But this comment made me laugh in the early hours when I couldn't sleep. It put images of money being put through a car wash to be cleaned Grin

Gooseygoosey12345 · 15/12/2020 15:01

All quite relevant! Thank you. I'm glad to hear you're out of the cycle now

ebsmahogany · 15/12/2020 16:58

@Respectabitch

I do think it's probably very relevant that you grew up with an abusive father and were forced into caring responsibilities. You weren't coming from a stable base or good relationship models.

Do you think you were/are a positive influence on your ex's daughter? Was her mother's death related to his dealing?

It's weird because when I reflect on my childhood I never think of my father as abusive, but I guess he want. He was mentally ill and whilst he can sometimes show that side a little, he's so much better and we have a good relationship. He also did a lot for me growing up.

I definitely think I was a positive influence and now, even more so. I love her so much and the hardest part of all of this has been to do with her. I struggle to know what role I play in her life, I don't want to try and be a mother figure but that's often what I find myself doing. We speak a lot about food choice and where here daddy is, she's such an incredible little girl, we are so lucky that she is turning out the way she is.

It's hard to say whether her mother's death was to do with his dealing, I think it would be too outing if I said anymore about how she died.

OP posts:
ebsmahogany · 15/12/2020 17:00

@JudgeRindersMinder

I don’t have any questions, but thank you for answering so openly, you’re not in any denial about your previous life, just try to stay away from the bad lads!
I am trying my best!! My eye wanders but I know I'll stay well away now, I have very much learned my lesson.
OP posts:
VeryLittleOwl · 16/12/2020 18:19

You said you were in danger yourself towards the end of the relationship - why was that? Was it to do with the police surveillance or was it something else?

ineedsun · 17/12/2020 11:18

Which questions that have been asked are ‘salacious’?

How much money did he make?
Was there violence?
Did anyone get killed?
Has he got anything stashed for when he comes out?

I could go on but don't have time, it's all through the thread.

Nore · 17/12/2020 11:34

@ineedsun

Which questions that have been asked are ‘salacious’?

How much money did he make?
Was there violence?
Did anyone get killed?
Has he got anything stashed for when he comes out?

I could go on but don't have time, it's all through the thread.

You're misunderstanding the word 'salacious'. Salacious means to appeal to or arouse sexual desire, or to detail sexual matters in an unnecessarily graphic way eg 'The tabloids filled their columns with gleefully salacious accounts of Boris Johnson's romp with a call girl.'
Flaxmeadow · 17/12/2020 15:01

My question I suppose depends on what part of the country you're in

Did you ever worry about or consider the connection between heroin and crack cocaine dealers and grooming gangs?

ineedsun · 17/12/2020 20:34

I think i mean gratuitous then. Every days a school day 😂

ebsmahogany · 18/12/2020 11:58

@VeryLittleOwl

You said you were in danger yourself towards the end of the relationship - why was that? Was it to do with the police surveillance or was it something else?
Our home was broken into by the same people twice and they attempted to on a third occasion. The first time, I was on my own and they were masked, carrying weapons (one of which was a machete, which I had never seen in real life before) they didn't use the weapons but they were aggressive. I thought they were going to rape and/or kill me.

After that I could barely sleep or eat, I knew I'd never be happy or feel safe living like that. It was also a wake up call as to how deep in my ex was. They were looking for him and if they would've got him he most likely would have been kidnapped or murdered. Or probably both

OP posts:
ebsmahogany · 18/12/2020 11:58

@ineedsun

Which questions that have been asked are ‘salacious’?

How much money did he make?
Was there violence?
Did anyone get killed?
Has he got anything stashed for when he comes out?

I could go on but don't have time, it's all through the thread.

I wouldn't describe those questions as salacious.
OP posts:
ebsmahogany · 18/12/2020 12:00

@Flaxmeadow

My question I suppose depends on what part of the country you're in

Did you ever worry about or consider the connection between heroin and crack cocaine dealers and grooming gangs?

No, I didn't think about it at all actually. Grooming gangs aren't really a big thing where I live, so it's never been on my radar. Even now, I don't know a lot about the connection. I'll have to read up on it.
OP posts:
ebsmahogany · 18/12/2020 12:03

I should also add to my other answer about feeling unsafe:

As he got bigger, he had more people that didn't like him and more that wanted what he had. Not to mention we knew the police were onto him, which was unsettling because it felt like our days were numbered.

People would always say "aren't you worried that people are going to hurt you in order to hurt him?". And I never did, because he didn't have people that hated him enough to want to do that, but by the end it felt like he did.

His daughter and I didn't really go out much, and when we did we would never be alone. This didn't go on for too long, he got caught soon after.

OP posts:
safariboot · 18/12/2020 12:16

When he was arrested, how did the police treat you? Suspect, witness, victim, ignored?

Have you moved to a different area since?

ebsmahogany · 18/12/2020 12:22

@safariboot

When he was arrested, how did the police treat you? Suspect, witness, victim, ignored?

Have you moved to a different area since?

I was ignored on the most part. They weren't interested in me at all really. I didn't have to testify or anything like that, I was questioned but I never felt like I was a suspect, or even a witness.

They knew that I knew what he was doing, I was cooperative whenever I came into contact with the police. The time between him getting arrested and actually begging sentenced felt like a lifetime.

I called the police when the house was broken into and was very, very shaken up. My sister thinks that they saw me as a victim and that incident contributed to it. I don't know what I think.

OP posts:
ebsmahogany · 18/12/2020 12:24

Sorry, I missed your last question.

I now live about 30 minutes away from the home he and I lived in. My parents still live in the exact same area, which is probably a ten minute walk away from my old house.

OP posts:
Darkbloom · 02/01/2021 01:02

How did you know the police where onto him? Really enjoyed reading this thread OP x

OneMoreWish · 14/01/2021 22:42

Glad your life has moved on. My mums school friend got involved with a drug dealer and had children with him . 15 years or so later my mum read in local news their house had been maliciously set alight and her friend and children died.

Good luck for your future xx

MaLarkinn · 26/01/2021 16:21

Also been in this situation and im currently out on bail.

Lelophants · 05/02/2021 21:18

You say gated community- what country are you in?

Does your child know?

How old are you and how old then?

Was it like Breaking Bad?

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