I’m a feminist with a trans son AMA

[Fraida]

I’m a long-standing member of MN (since 2006 when my eldest child was born) but have named changed more recently!

So I have a 14 year old who is FTM trans person and two other younger children. My son came out officially as trans earlier this year but has been exploring his gender identity since he was about eight. This has been an interesting journey for us all as DH and I have always prided ourselves on allowing all of our children to be individuals and trying to help them not get sucked into cultural norms from a gender perspective I.e. a saying in our house is there is no such thing as boys things and girls things just things Like what you like and don’t get bogged down by what society might expect of you. For a while my middle child - a boy - had the longest hair in the house and loves horse riding both things typically associated with girls, for example.

With DS1 coming out as male I have had to rethink and relearn many of my own beliefs about gender and the whole transitioning process as Ill gladly admit I did have preconceived ideas and concerns about, for example, any gender specialists going down the route of affirmation rather than assessment as well as concerns about medication being offered too quickly. However in our experience so far this hasn’t been the case and there seems to be many more barriers and much more in the way of caution than I anticipated.

I will say however that the overwhelming negative impact on his mental health has been devastating for us all to watch with a number of suicide attempts (not uncommon) and chronic anxiety, to say the least. I do feel that whatever your views are on gender health care for children it cannot be right that psychological support and help is not more widespread and readily available.

Anyways I’m being brave because I fundamentally believe that dialogue is important and active listening in order to truly hear what opposing views are is really important in such a sensitive area. So here I am, happy to debate and answer questions but please don’t insult me as I am a sensitive human at the end of the computer

Best interests at heart.

I'm sorry if what I said sounded judgemental. Of course I don't know you and don't know anything about your parenting other than what you're typing on this thread. Navigating the social media minefield with an impressionable teenager sounds incredibly difficult (I've not experienced it) and you sound much more switched on than most parents of teenagers I know.

I think what people are struggling with here is that, ultimately, you are going along with your child's idea of what is possible for them and their body in the future instead of helping them to accept reality.
Their idea of what's possible for them has been fuelled by the internet and the internet for these children is run by people like Challenor.
How can we not be concerned about your parenting?
I don't get why anyone would trust a narrative that says something that is impossible, is true. Especially not if that narrative is presented to you by a child.
Other people are fooling your child, like they might fool my child by saying that magic snake oil can cure his neurological disorder.
Surely it's your job to gently persuade your child that this isn't true, rather than go along with it?

@Fraida

With regards to social media, there are unsavoury characters everywhere - but the abuse my son received on Instagram was from someone (some people) who was very much anti trans. He’s been called a c*nt, tranny, weird, disgusting and told to hang himself. Let’s not assume that everyone who cannot be supportive of transgender people are themselves not open to pushing an agenda or being abusive.

I’m sorry but this is a very sensitive area for me due to what he has experienced online.

This seems like a good argument for keeping your child away from social media as much as possible, although I recognise that this is difficult with a teenager.

I hope you also understand that the people on here who are expressing concern about the path your child wants to take are not 'anti trans' or pushing an agenda.

You talk about extreme views on all sides. Do you consider stating the scientific fact that people can't change sex to be an extreme view?

I just wonder what would have happened, what would happen of you supported your daughter in being a gnc girl rather than participating in her wish/dream/delusion that she can be male.
I suppose I feel that it's important to be truthful with children, and help them to face reality, even if it's difficult and may upset them.

@Harmarsuperstar

I just wonder what would have happened, what would happen of you supported your daughter in being a gnc girl rather than participating in her wish/dream/delusion that she can be male. I suppose I feel that it's important to be truthful with children, and help them to face reality, even if it's difficult and may upset them.

I agree, but the OP hasn’t yet answered the question asked several times as to whether she believes her child is actually male. From the other things she’s posted, I’d say she does believe it.

In which case she can hardly go back on that now and tell her child she can’t ever change sex. She’s burned that bridge.

im finding it quite odd how you can reconcile your belief in gender stereotypes as being innate, and masculinity or femininity as what makes you a man or woman, with calling yourself a feminist. I cant relate to that. My 12yr old daughter identifies as NB and whilst im supportive of her to present how she wants and I believe her that she feels this way strongly, I feel like its definitely my job as a parent and as a feminist to make sure she knows the reality of the situation and I cant imagine allowing a young child to go down a path which would lead to sterilisation and de-sexing ultimately. I dont believe that anyone who has researched this thoroughly from all sides would not bat an eyelid at a 14 year old child discussing phalloplasty etc.
Admittedly it is a difficult situation as a feminist and its VERY hard to get support for this, as the radical feminist movement doesnt appear to be very mother-friendly to me and assumes you can just stop a child from doing these things, or thinks that its the parents driving it, but on the other hand, the lbtq scene wants to just validate the whole fucking thing. It takes a lot of strength to just find your own way and your own balance. It sounds to me though like youve drunk the kool-aid as much as your kid. I know your child is likely surrounded by enablers and validators at school, but I dont know what your reasons are. I think you need to read up on some detransitioners stories

In which case she can hardly go back on that now and tell her child she can’t ever change sex. She’s burned that bridge

I think she could. She could apologise and admit she was wrong and didn't have enough information, didn't understand the implications properly, was just trying to do the best for her daughter, and still is, but know thinks that doing her best includes helping her daughter to come to terms with the fact that she's female. No drugs or body modifications required for this.

@Harmarsuperstar

In which case she can hardly go back on that now and tell her child she can’t ever change sex. She’s burned that bridge

I think she could. She could apologise and admit she was wrong and didn't have enough information, didn't understand the implications properly, was just trying to do the best for her daughter, and still is, but know thinks that doing her best includes helping her daughter to come to terms with the fact that she's female. No drugs or body modifications required for this.

She could say all those things.

But we know that the online community has form for encouraging people to distance themselves from anyone who doesn’t completely validate the belief that you can change sex, even your family.

It’s not limited to the trans community either. Breck Bednar was groomed to the point where he believed his parents were actively trying to ruin his life and make him unhappy.

It’s not limited to the trans community either. Breck Bednar was groomed to the point where he believed his parents were actively trying to ruin his life and make him unhappy.
And so were many of the girls in the Rotherham CSE ring.

Yy she needs to drastically restrict Internet access, you're quite right of course

I think the Internet may generally be doing more harm than good tbh

I posted earlier and just though I would say that I’m disgusted that you are giving OP such a hard time. She clearly cares for her son and he can follow whichever path he wants. I know some trans people and his description of being trans sounds familiar. If he wants to medically transition it doesn’t affect you. I am shocked at some of the parents on here not accepting there trans kids. Also what teenager doesn’t look at Reddit, you can’t stop him from using the internet/social media without isolating him. Op tell him that not everyone is transphobic and I hope you continue to love and accept him.
Xx

@WomanWithAWo

I posted earlier and just though I would say that I’m disgusted that you are giving OP such a hard time. She clearly cares for her son and he can follow whichever path he wants. I know some trans people and his description of being trans sounds familiar. If he wants to medically transition it doesn’t affect you. I am shocked at some of the parents on here not accepting there trans kids. Also what teenager doesn’t look at Reddit, you can’t stop him from using the internet/social media without isolating him. Op tell him that not everyone is transphobic and I hope you continue to love and accept him. Xx

See my post above about validation.

@FamilyOfAliens So invalidating and rejecting a trans child is helpful. I don’t see transphobia being of any benefit.

A) There's a great deal of merit in demonstrating a willingness to accept that new data undermined earlier analytical protocol.

B) There's a great deal of risk in triggering that same protocol's parental-alienation subroutine and thus losing the capacity for successful modelling of point A to OP's child.

OP faces in an incredibly challenging future navigating these two facts. I commend her for trying, and wish we were all better at listening.

Where are OP's support services? What support can she access that successfully models point A to her while helping her through this?

There is none.

That's what she's here telling us. If we care to hear it. She's not choosing the mermaids option, she's crying out for an alternative and doing her best to implement watchful waiting with no real backup.

We're feminists. We pride ourselves on being woman-centred. Can we centre this woman and the fucking awful situation she's in instead of telling her she's doing it wrong?

The watchful waiting protocols were designed for the late twentieth century. How do we tailor them for the modern world and all its tech-related issues? That's what OP needs to know.

[quote WomanWithAWo]@FamilyOfAliens So invalidating and rejecting a trans child is helpful. I don’t see transphobia being of any benefit.[/quote]
If you see any transphobic posts, report them and they will be deleted.

If your whole identity and sense of personal validity rests on how others perceive you, then it's a bit fragile and you need to think about why that is.
Never a good idea to offload responsibility or your happiness and comfort to other people who you've never met. The parent could help the child to build up their self,-esteem so they don't care what others think as much, or is that a completely wacky idea?!

I a. Bloody glad there was no acceptance in my day of my belief that I was a boy

[quote WomanWithAWo]@FamilyOfAliens So invalidating and rejecting a trans child is helpful. I don’t see transphobia being of any benefit.[/quote]
My previous post was in reply to this post not directed at the op, sorry

[quote WomanWithAWo]@FamilyOfAliens So invalidating and rejecting a trans child is helpful. I don’t see transphobia being of any benefit.[/quote]
@WomanWithAWo what does "invalidating and rejecting" mean? I can only speak for myself and I work very hard to support my child with the distress that they feel and I use the name they want me to use and allow total freedom to dress and present themselves however they wish BUT I cannot just make myself believe that my daughter is a boy.

Do you think this means I am rejecting my kid? I acknowledge the difficulty and I recognise the contributing factors and try to get help to manage them but this concept of validation is tricky.

Feelings can be strong, distressing and difficult but do we ALWAYS have to act on them? If as a parent you blindly validate the belief that I feel like a boy = I am a boy is that in their best interests?

@TyroTerf you are so right there is a desperate need for some kind of support.

Just wanted to thank everyone for engaging with me on this thread, it’s been interesting. I’m not sure I’ve probably added much to anyone’s thought process or changed anyone’s view... which was never the intention anyway.

I hope you have also enjoyed chatting with me too. However I’m withdrawing now as this has taken a personal turn that I didn’t want to happen and that is my hard limit.

@TyroTerf and others I thank you for hearing me and understanding that this journey is challenging and not as straightforward as some on this thread may think. Parents of trans children are doing their best at a time when gender identity issues are at the forefront of many people’s minds and is an emotive topic.

Being cautious and curious whilst trying to support a child in deep distress is a difficult balancing act that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

But genuinely thank you, I started this with curiosity in mind and wanting to hear more

@TyroTerf

A) There's a great deal of merit in demonstrating a willingness to accept that new data undermined earlier analytical protocol.

B) There's a great deal of risk in triggering that same protocol's parental-alienation subroutine and thus losing the capacity for successful modelling of point A to OP's child.

OP faces in an incredibly challenging future navigating these two facts. I commend her for trying, and wish we were all better at listening.

Where are OP's support services? What support can she access that successfully models point A to her while helping her through this?

There is none.

That's what she's here telling us. If we care to hear it. She's not choosing the mermaids option, she's crying out for an alternative and doing her best to implement watchful waiting with no real backup.

We're feminists. We pride ourselves on being woman-centred. Can we centre this woman and the fucking awful situation she's in instead of telling her she's doing it wrong?

The watchful waiting protocols were designed for the late twentieth century. How do we tailor them for the modern world and all its tech-related issues? That's what OP needs to know.

This made me cry, in a good way

@TyroTerf - there are resources available to parents of trans identifying children in the uk which don't follow the gender affirmation route - transgender trend, Bayswater support.

The links have been posted a number of times on the thread but the OP hasn't commented on them. Not has she responded to the challenges of stonewall stats.

I think she's happy with the way she's supporting her child and that is obviously her prerogative. But you can't really post in support of taking an affirmative approach to a gender non conforming child on MN and not expect some challenge.

@WomanWithAWo

I posted earlier and just though I would say that I’m disgusted that you are giving OP such a hard time. She clearly cares for her son and he can follow whichever path he wants. I know some trans people and his description of being trans sounds familiar. If he wants to medically transition it doesn’t affect you. I am shocked at some of the parents on here not accepting there trans kids. Also what teenager doesn’t look at Reddit, you can’t stop him from using the internet/social media without isolating him. Op tell him that not everyone is transphobic and I hope you continue to love and accept him. Xx

And this is EXACTLY my challenge, I hate social media but I recognise it’s how teens connect particularly those that are naturally reserved. Recognising this we keep the lines of communication open with all children and talk regularly, openly and honestly about what they see.. challenging as needed.

He barely posts on Instagram now and tends to communicate with friends via messaging apps now which is a huge relief.