I’m a feminist with a trans son AMA

[Fraida]

I’m a long-standing member of MN (since 2006 when my eldest child was born) but have named changed more recently!

So I have a 14 year old who is FTM trans person and two other younger children. My son came out officially as trans earlier this year but has been exploring his gender identity since he was about eight. This has been an interesting journey for us all as DH and I have always prided ourselves on allowing all of our children to be individuals and trying to help them not get sucked into cultural norms from a gender perspective I.e. a saying in our house is there is no such thing as boys things and girls things just things Like what you like and don’t get bogged down by what society might expect of you. For a while my middle child - a boy - had the longest hair in the house and loves horse riding both things typically associated with girls, for example.

With DS1 coming out as male I have had to rethink and relearn many of my own beliefs about gender and the whole transitioning process as Ill gladly admit I did have preconceived ideas and concerns about, for example, any gender specialists going down the route of affirmation rather than assessment as well as concerns about medication being offered too quickly. However in our experience so far this hasn’t been the case and there seems to be many more barriers and much more in the way of caution than I anticipated.

I will say however that the overwhelming negative impact on his mental health has been devastating for us all to watch with a number of suicide attempts (not uncommon) and chronic anxiety, to say the least. I do feel that whatever your views are on gender health care for children it cannot be right that psychological support and help is not more widespread and readily available.

Anyways I’m being brave because I fundamentally believe that dialogue is important and active listening in order to truly hear what opposing views are is really important in such a sensitive area. So here I am, happy to debate and answer questions but please don’t insult me as I am a sensitive human at the end of the computer

Hello

When you say your son has been “exploring his gender identity”, how did that manifest?

Thank ypu.

Have you read the stories of the Detransitioners? I went to a meeting in Manchester and it was so upsetting.

@AcornAutumn he was talking about this disconnect between his mind and body how he just knows he’s male. Not a feeling rather a certainty? As a child he was insistent that he would grow up and have a male puberty. These conversations kept happening and initially I thought it was a fear of change and puberty (he has ASD) which is not uncommon in girls on the spectrum and thus tried to deal with that fear.

Is he medically transitioning?

Your child is not male however and never will be. I can't understand why counselling isn't given.

Where is your child in terms of transitioning, are they on puberty blockers, did they cut off their breast yet etc?

Are they planning to? Or are they happy just looking like a boy for now?

Are they (and you) aware of the negative effects of medically transitioning, such as not being able to have children and loss of sexual function?

@Campervan69 yes I have, and of course that is a concern as a parent - what if you agree to something that later on down the line the child regrets? What if the medications - which are life long - have long term side effects? It’s a lot to consider BUT ultimately it’s a cost/benefit analysis if you like and if the risks of not doing something far outweigh the risks of doing something like medically transitioning then it’s worth doing. As he is only 14 he cannot start hormones until he is 16 and then surgery post 18, this allows time for development, maturity and to work through what he is feeling.

How certain are you that the cause of his wider mental health problems are down to him being a male with XX chromosomes and a vagina?

@Ohalrightthen he can’t until he is 16 unless you go down the GenderGP private route (currently only option before under 17s in the UK), we won’t be doing that as we want to follow the NHS pathway and best practice plus I’m not comfortable with how Gender GP operate.

When you say surgery, what do you envisage?

What does he think a 'connect' between your mind and body would actually mean? How can he separate out 'gender' from all the other pressures which are applied to everyone's bodies nowadays? (i.e. you should look like this, not that).

Hello, I hope I'm not being insensitive, I honestly wish you and your son well. When you wrote "the overwhelming negative impact on his mental health has been devastating", I was unclear if you meant the process of transitioning or something else in his life - could you explain a little?

And, again, I hope this isn't offensive - do you absolutely think of him as your son and in no longer a female? If so, when did you start to do this - what convinced you?

@Campervan69 I counselling is offered and given in fact we are paying for private gender counselling as Tier3 CAMHS services do not provide this. Now this is, in my opinion, where the system fails children and young people who are trans as you can’t access any help early and locally.

Isn't counselling only allowed to be affirmative nowadays due to the Memorandum of Understanding? In which case, how useful do you think it can be?

What do you think about the strong correlation between females with ASD and a desire to transition?

with a number of suicide attempts (not uncommon)

This must have been devastating - so sorry to hear.
When you say 'not uncommon' what do you mean? In teens in general or are those who think they have a gender that is different to their sex over-represented, or those with other mental health issues?

@HumanFemale1 you can’t have surgery until you are over 18 so that is not possible and no not on puberty blockers as he doesn’t want the side effects and associated risks that come with these meds. We have looked at all the pros and cons of surgical intervention and read many, many research articles (I’m an academic so have access to these). Ultimately that will be his choice in the future... if he wants to go through surgery and is fully versed in the potential risks then I will of course support him in his decision. As a feminist I believe that decisions made about your body can only be made by you alone (as an adult of course).

Thanks OP

Like another poster, I am also wondering about this statement “When you wrote "the overwhelming negative impact on his mental health has been devastating", I was unclear if you meant the process of transitioning or something else in his life”.

With DS1 coming out as male I have had to rethink and relearn many of my own beliefs about gender

Also, are you able to specify what you mean here? You said you were anti-stereotypes, so what did you have to change in your attitude? It sounds like you've given it a lot of thought and introspection, so would love if you could share.

@Smellbellina I can never of course be 100% sure and there are other factors however I can see how much trauma and devastation his identity and biological sex causes him and how all his other worries and behaviours centre around the dysphoria. However I’ve had a gut feeling for a long time that he was feeling like this so be honest was not surprised when he started talking about feeling dysphoric.

Hi Op, thanks for posting 😊 has your son not been offered any counselling via the NHS? That is shocking, considering hpw life sltering puberty blockers at 16 and surgery possibly at 18 could be.

I definitely agree more time needs to be invested into providing counselling for children who experience gender dysphoria, before they are prescribed blockers and hormones. And i'm so glad you aren't going down the Gender GP route, they do not have your child's best interests in mind. Wishing you all well!

@Lightsontbut you see I find that an interesting question that I have spent a long time mulling over, because I do not feel any disconnect between my identity and physical body I can’t really say how that feels. The only way I can describe what he is feeling is that the overwhelming majority of us have an elbow, we are not aware of it we just know it is there and get on with our lives however if you fractured your elbow suddenly all your attention is drawn to your elbow and how unnatural that feels. You can’t remove yourself from it - this is what a dis one to looks like.

God sorry about all the typos 😳

Given the enormous increase in girls identifying as boys, and the associated awful mental health that goes hand in hand, are you not tempted to ban screens, any association with others identifying in the same way, and potentially move somewhere massively remote and home school or similar? These issues and ideas were not around twenty, thirty years ago, and girls grew up without breast binding, mastectomies and hormones.

I honestly think if I had a child that was so determined to do irrevocable harm to herself that I'd move somewhere like Uganda or Kenya to get the hell out of our warped society and screwed up ideas. When life is about trying to put food on the table, avoid war, famine and live in dire poverty, as so many people in developing countries are, I can't see they'd have much time for gender ideology.

Ultimately that will be his choice in the future... if he wants to go through surgery and is fully versed in the potential risks then I will of course support him in his decision

Will you be telling your child about infertility and loss of sexual function when you discuss “potential risks”?