I’m a feminist with a trans son AMA

[Fraida]

I’m a long-standing member of MN (since 2006 when my eldest child was born) but have named changed more recently!

So I have a 14 year old who is FTM trans person and two other younger children. My son came out officially as trans earlier this year but has been exploring his gender identity since he was about eight. This has been an interesting journey for us all as DH and I have always prided ourselves on allowing all of our children to be individuals and trying to help them not get sucked into cultural norms from a gender perspective I.e. a saying in our house is there is no such thing as boys things and girls things just things Like what you like and don’t get bogged down by what society might expect of you. For a while my middle child - a boy - had the longest hair in the house and loves horse riding both things typically associated with girls, for example.

With DS1 coming out as male I have had to rethink and relearn many of my own beliefs about gender and the whole transitioning process as Ill gladly admit I did have preconceived ideas and concerns about, for example, any gender specialists going down the route of affirmation rather than assessment as well as concerns about medication being offered too quickly. However in our experience so far this hasn’t been the case and there seems to be many more barriers and much more in the way of caution than I anticipated.

I will say however that the overwhelming negative impact on his mental health has been devastating for us all to watch with a number of suicide attempts (not uncommon) and chronic anxiety, to say the least. I do feel that whatever your views are on gender health care for children it cannot be right that psychological support and help is not more widespread and readily available.

Anyways I’m being brave because I fundamentally believe that dialogue is important and active listening in order to truly hear what opposing views are is really important in such a sensitive area. So here I am, happy to debate and answer questions but please don’t insult me as I am a sensitive human at the end of the computer

There was an interesting post from someone during the first lockdown which said that all the girls in her daughter's class who has identified as trans desisted when away from their peers

Op, thank you for opening up such an important area of discussion and being brave enough to do so when it relates to your own child and (to some points of view) your parenting.

For what its worth i think you sound like wonderful parents and I'm sorry your son is having to face such struggles, but with such support as yours im sure that he'll come out the other side. How does he feel about his future now? Knowing that he will have some major decisions to make, is he coping alright with this?

From an observers point of view its reassuring to read that your experience of the professionals has not been to rush your son into any conclusion and to explore all possibilities. I'll note that I have always understood and accepted that some people are born into the wrong bodies. It's of course a concern that there's a growing group of ppl speaking out saying that transitioning was a mistake for them and the noted link to Asd and transgenderism(?) is both interesting and a little worrying. (Are we helping in the best way etc? )

Sorry if its been mentioned and I've missed it but id like to point out to other posters that there are societies across the world that recognise more than 2 genders and ppl in these societies who we would label transgender are accepted easily and sometimes even considered blessed. The argument that I read that a more impoverished society where survival is the focus of the day seemed a little ill informed and reductive. I mean no offense, I think there is a point that if we stopped trying to label and put everyone into boxes everyone would be much happier and perhaps this is what the poster meant.

It does seem to me that issues of gender and sex have become more polarised in recent years which im not sure is always a good thing. We should accept and support everyone on the gender/sex spectrum but there does seem to be a greater pressure on boys and girls to behave and present in clearly masculine and feminine ways in order to be cis-gendered. That sort of societal pressure affects everyone and isn't productive.

Ultimately, as a society we're still learning and adapting how to deal with mental health issues in the lgbqt+ community and we can probably all accept we have some way to go yet...Perhaps we have not yet found all the right tools to do so, but if supporting ppl through transition helps them then who are we to say its wrong?

Thanks for answering so many questions, OP.

Here's one more if you have time. My 14 yr old niece has long been a Harry Potter fan but says she can no longer admit to it because her peers view J K Rowling as transphobic, as a 'terf'. She feels unable to go against the grain as she's shy and afraid of being labelled as transphobic (she's not!)

I just wondered if this is the case at your son's school? Would he ever use the term 'terf', for example?

You don,t have a son you have a daughter. In what way are they male other then "I think therefore i am". There is an American who lives with cats and has surgery to make himself look more like a cat, he isn,t a cat.

@TaraR2020 I'll note that I have always understood and accepted that some people are born into the wrong bodies

This is seen as an outdated term now - national guidelines have been updated so as to avoid using this phrase.
"Cis" is also frowned upon on (some parts of?) MN

We should accept and support everyone on the gender/sex spectrum
How is sex a spectrum? Do you think some natal men are more biologically male than others? Do you think boys with chromosome disorders are 'less male' than their peers?

Thank you for answering all these questions OP. It's fascinating to read.
I have another question (mine are really quite boring compared to others).

How does your son feel about photos of him from when he was smaller. Especially any where he looks like a girl, eg wearing a dress. Do you have them on display? Or do they upset him?

[quote GatherlyGal]@TheDailyCarbuncle I think what you say about kids with autism managing their anxiety is really interesting. It seems so likely to me that my (trans) kid's feelings about her body and her way of coping (by identifying as male) are related to autism not some magical "gender identity". How this isn't the starting point for any therapy I do not know.

It is heartbreaking that the unbiased support and therapy that these kids need just isn't there.

@Fraida I read somewhere (possibly a detransitioner) that trans is something you DO not something you ARE. That really resonates for me.

My kid desperately wants me to agree she's a boy. I just can't. I can however acknowledge that for some people taking steps along the path of medical transition can help to alleviate the symptoms of dysphoria.

One other thing @Fraida I don't think you can say that detransition is rare. Truth is we don't know as no one keeps that data. And I do know there are hundreds of detansitioners online many carrying a lot of regret.[/quote]
I see the point on how you would collect data on detransition as there are possibly many people who stop taking meds at home and don’t involve gender clinics in this process. My son was showing me a section on Reddit this evening for detransitioners so clearly this is an area that needs exploration. We did agree that their stories are important as it could inform the assessment process further and provide some insight and understanding into why some people who transition transition for life and wh others don’t.

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

Thank you for answering all these questions OP. It's fascinating to read. I have another question (mine are really quite boring compared to others).

How does your son feel about photos of him from when he was smaller. Especially any where he looks like a girl, eg wearing a dress. Do you have them on display? Or do they upset him?

Not a question that has been asked so far

We do have photos in the house and so far he has not expressed any distress about them being there. He has not worn a dress or looked ‘traditionally feminine’ since he was about four or five so there are not really many photos around that might be potentially triggering.

@june2007

You don,t have a son you have a daughter. In what way are they male other then "I think therefore i am". There is an American who lives with cats and has surgery to make himself look more like a cat, he isn,t a cat.

But a cat is not a human so not a reasonable metaphor I would argue.

It’s really not about gender expression, he doesn’t think that because he wears his hair short that makes him a boy. It does boil down to a fundamental sense and certainty he is male. He presents as male as he wants people to acknowledge his inner self as he knows that the wider world is currently more binary about appearance particularly concerning men.

@quebechouse

Thanks for answering so many questions, OP.

Here's one more if you have time. My 14 yr old niece has long been a Harry Potter fan but says she can no longer admit to it because her peers view J K Rowling as transphobic, as a 'terf'. She feels unable to go against the grain as she's shy and afraid of being labelled as transphobic (she's not!)

I just wondered if this is the case at your son's school? Would he ever use the term 'terf', for example?

Ah JK Rowling, that is a hot topic... he has never used the word terf to my knowledge and is not an activist either. He describes his desire to blend in as a man and carry on with his life without being marginalised or discriminated against.

I know that at his school there is a backlash against the Harry Potter books because of comment(S?) made by JK Rowling on Twitter but I’m not sure whether that would make someone reluctant to admit to liking the series or otherwise.

@TaraR2020

Op, thank you for opening up such an important area of discussion and being brave enough to do so when it relates to your own child and (to some points of view) your parenting.

For what its worth i think you sound like wonderful parents and I'm sorry your son is having to face such struggles, but with such support as yours im sure that he'll come out the other side. How does he feel about his future now? Knowing that he will have some major decisions to make, is he coping alright with this?

From an observers point of view its reassuring to read that your experience of the professionals has not been to rush your son into any conclusion and to explore all possibilities. I'll note that I have always understood and accepted that some people are born into the wrong bodies. It's of course a concern that there's a growing group of ppl speaking out saying that transitioning was a mistake for them and the noted link to Asd and transgenderism(?) is both interesting and a little worrying. (Are we helping in the best way etc? )

Sorry if its been mentioned and I've missed it but id like to point out to other posters that there are societies across the world that recognise more than 2 genders and ppl in these societies who we would label transgender are accepted easily and sometimes even considered blessed. The argument that I read that a more impoverished society where survival is the focus of the day seemed a little ill informed and reductive. I mean no offense, I think there is a point that if we stopped trying to label and put everyone into boxes everyone would be much happier and perhaps this is what the poster meant.

It does seem to me that issues of gender and sex have become more polarised in recent years which im not sure is always a good thing. We should accept and support everyone on the gender/sex spectrum but there does seem to be a greater pressure on boys and girls to behave and present in clearly masculine and feminine ways in order to be cis-gendered. That sort of societal pressure affects everyone and isn't productive.

Ultimately, as a society we're still learning and adapting how to deal with mental health issues in the lgbqt+ community and we can probably all accept we have some way to go yet...Perhaps we have not yet found all the right tools to do so, but if supporting ppl through transition helps them then who are we to say its wrong?

Thank you, that is very kind of you. Your last paragraph really resonated with me as that is probably the decision I came to some time ago.

He does feel overwhelmed at points, understandably, as you rightly identify these are major decisions with major consequences however the biggest hurdle was socially transitioning and then actually trying to find someone to help. Now that both those things are underway he is in a better place as he has space to talk and isn’t carrying the burden alone or feeling weighted down by indecision.

@Clymene

There was an interesting post from someone during the first lockdown which said that all the girls in her daughter's class who has identified as trans desisted when away from their peers

I can well believe that however for us it’s been the opposite, lockdown has provided space to reflect and confirm that being trans is right for him.

Undoubtedly there are some girls that are heavily influenced by their peers and this does impact on their identity.

Just FYI @Fraida - as you allow your child unfettered access to Reddit, there are some deeply unsavoury characters who mod most of the trans forums on there. See: https://grahamlinehan.substack.com/p/ashton-challenor-the-boy-who-disappeared?fbclid=IwAR1ArpnqvLWa58FYg158YVE5Szhkuhpv0AAcAb0uZENHGDHZZClTCy9eA

Jesus Christ that Glinner piece. Fuck me. How this isn’t headline news I do not know.

Sorry OP I know this is not strictly on topic but this is one of the things that it’s hard to talk about. The deeply unsavoury nature of many of the people pushing this ideology. Reddit seems like a very worrying place for a teen to be though I know how difficult it is re teens and social media.

Sorry rambling now. Just struck all over again by what clymene has posted.

Not a question that has been asked so far

A question that has been asked several times now (including by me) but has yet to be answered, is whether you believe your child is actually male, rather than wishes she was.

@Clymene

Just FYI *@Fraida* - as you allow your child unfettered access to Reddit, there are some deeply unsavoury characters who mod most of the trans forums on there. See: [[https://grahamlinehan.substack.com/p/ashton-challenor-the-boy-who-disappeared?fbclid=IwAR1ArpnqvLW]]a58FYg158YVE5Szhkuhpv0AAcAb0uZENHGDHZZClTCy9eA

Oh good grief.

OP, you need to start putting some parental controls on your internet at home.

TaraR2020

How is homosexuality viewed in those parts of the world where trans/third sex are accepted. Is gay marriage legal? Are gay couples able to adopt? Are men allowed to express femininity or women masculinity without fear of abuse?

I want to say this gently but:

I can well believe that however for us it’s been the opposite, lockdown has provided space to reflect and confirm that being trans is right for him.

Does rather conflict with my son is reading about transitioning on Reddit

Many (most?) detransitioners state that it was online forums that were the biggest influence on their sense of gender identity and desire to transition. I agree with PPs that I think your child could benefit from some time away from social media.

@Clymene

Just FYI *@Fraida* - as you allow your child unfettered access to Reddit, there are some deeply unsavoury characters who mod most of the trans forums on there. See: [[https://grahamlinehan.substack.com/p/ashton-challenor-the-boy-who-disappeared?fbclid=IwAR1ArpnqvLW]]a58FYg158YVE5Szhkuhpv0AAcAb0uZENHGDHZZClTCy9eA

Not unfettered access... we look at it together... I spot check all my children’s’ phones weekly and we have parental controls on apps and so on.

@mollscroll

Jesus Christ that Glinner piece. Fuck me. How this isn’t headline news I do not know.

Sorry OP I know this is not strictly on topic but this is one of the things that it’s hard to talk about. The deeply unsavoury nature of many of the people pushing this ideology. Reddit seems like a very worrying place for a teen to be though I know how difficult it is re teens and social media.

Sorry rambling now. Just struck all over again by what clymene has posted.

Absolutely I think social media is a worrying place for many, many reasons and I wished it didn’t exist (my son was cyber bullied via Instagram messaging so I know this better than anyone) but it does and the best we can do is to have open and transparent conversations about what they find. I appreciate that no one on here knows me and I don’t feel I need to justify my stance but DH works in this area and we are very careful to the best of our abilities. But bar banning phones and any sort of internet access at home - as they can access stuff via friends and so on - we have to trust in our relationship and encourage open dialogue.

@twoHopes

I want to say this gently but:

I can well believe that however for us it’s been the opposite, lockdown has provided space to reflect and confirm that being trans is right for him.

Does rather conflict with my son is reading about transitioning on Reddit

Many (most?) detransitioners state that it was online forums that were the biggest influence on their sense of gender identity and desire to transition. I agree with PPs that I think your child could benefit from some time away from social media.

This is starting to upset me, I need to pull out of this thread I think. You are starting to judge my parenting and that hurts, you have no idea the checks and balances we put in place to ensure they are all as safe as possible on line BUT we cannot exist in a bubble.

There are many extreme views on many aspects of gender online on all sides, as long as we are talking and keeping the lines of communication open providing that critical voice as needed.

With regards to social media, there are unsavoury characters everywhere - but the abuse my son received on Instagram was from someone (some people) who was very much anti trans. He’s been called a c*nt, tranny, weird, disgusting and told to hang himself. Let’s not assume that everyone who cannot be supportive of transgender people are themselves not open to pushing an agenda or being abusive.

I’m sorry but this is a very sensitive area for me due to what he has experienced online.

@Fraida

With regards to social media, there are unsavoury characters everywhere - but the abuse my son received on Instagram was from someone (some people) who was very much anti trans. He’s been called a c*nt, tranny, weird, disgusting and told to hang himself. Let’s not assume that everyone who cannot be supportive of transgender people are themselves not open to pushing an agenda or being abusive.

I’m sorry but this is a very sensitive area for me due to what he has experienced online.

Right, but the point is Challenor and their like-minded friends are controlling the narrative on forums children can access. This should be a huge safeguarding issue.

Being careful on social media is not allowing your child to have a public Instagram page where they post photos of themselves. I don't allow my 14 year old to have one precisely because there are very many unsavoury characters out there.

And while the abuse your child has received is disgusting, that doesn't mean people who aren't overtly abusive (like challenor and friends) have your child's best interests at year.