I’m a feminist with a trans son AMA

[Fraida]

I’m a long-standing member of MN (since 2006 when my eldest child was born) but have named changed more recently!

So I have a 14 year old who is FTM trans person and two other younger children. My son came out officially as trans earlier this year but has been exploring his gender identity since he was about eight. This has been an interesting journey for us all as DH and I have always prided ourselves on allowing all of our children to be individuals and trying to help them not get sucked into cultural norms from a gender perspective I.e. a saying in our house is there is no such thing as boys things and girls things just things Like what you like and don’t get bogged down by what society might expect of you. For a while my middle child - a boy - had the longest hair in the house and loves horse riding both things typically associated with girls, for example.

With DS1 coming out as male I have had to rethink and relearn many of my own beliefs about gender and the whole transitioning process as Ill gladly admit I did have preconceived ideas and concerns about, for example, any gender specialists going down the route of affirmation rather than assessment as well as concerns about medication being offered too quickly. However in our experience so far this hasn’t been the case and there seems to be many more barriers and much more in the way of caution than I anticipated.

I will say however that the overwhelming negative impact on his mental health has been devastating for us all to watch with a number of suicide attempts (not uncommon) and chronic anxiety, to say the least. I do feel that whatever your views are on gender health care for children it cannot be right that psychological support and help is not more widespread and readily available.

Anyways I’m being brave because I fundamentally believe that dialogue is important and active listening in order to truly hear what opposing views are is really important in such a sensitive area. So here I am, happy to debate and answer questions but please don’t insult me as I am a sensitive human at the end of the computer

@PaperScissorsRock

When you’re using “trans and anti trans” it’s difficult to take this seriously. Assuming that the work feminists are currently undertaking is anti trans rather than protecting women’s rights and safeguarding children is a very TRA take on this.

I have seen very few feminists show actual transphobic behaviour. I have seen many of those women called out and threatened for their rational approach.

But that is what you come across when you start trying to access information, and it sometimes (from a parental perspective) feels unhelpful and scary. Maybe my choice of terminology was awkward but the sentiment of not wanting to get drawn into debates when you are desperately trying to access helpful information that will help you navigate a very difficult pathway stands.

Parents are also interested in safeguarding children, very few people want to knowingly do harm but likewise we also want our children to be authentic and comfortable in their skin.

being scientifically male is the only way of being male I mean.

It's been months since Mermaids finally came clean with their tweet that "no-one is born in the wrong body" and yet these earnest posts by apparently GC parents seem to crop up more frequently than ever.

@GatherlyGal I didn't address anyone on this thread. However, I have seen some trans posts on other threads that were hateful (more than gender critical or anything along those lines, actively hateful.) Not lumping anyone in with that kind of poster, but MN does have a bit of a reputation of being trans-exclusive whether that reputation is fair or not- and to clarify, I'm not necessarily saying it is.

I'm not trying to start a war, just trying to provide a bit of support to mums and their children who have a tricky situation on their hands as whatever your beliefs on the transgender topic are, it is very sensitive.

@berrygirlie If you can't provide specific examples, don't stir the pot.

Forgive me if you've addressed this OP and I don't mean to appear insensitive, but I'm genuinely interested in whether any alternative narratives have been discussed during the process you've described, specifically have you had conversations with your child about the possibility that they might be a female lesbian? Do they have positive role models who are gender non-conforming lesbians in their life?

very few people want to knowingly do harm but likewise we also want our children to be authentic and comfortable in their skin.

What do you understand by the word authentic?

So you genuinely think testosterone and surgery could be the route to authenticity and feeling comfortable?! Like plastic surgery was the answer to Jesy from Little Mix feeling ugly?! Why change society when you can change yourself, right?

@RuffleCrow

If it's easier for you to think of your female child as inexplicably and uncientifically male (which is the only way of being male) than it is for you to consider a holistic approach to their mental health (which would include gender dysphoria as that's recognised as being a mental health problem by the NHS) then I wonder if a part of you isn't secretly hoping the trans thing is a magic bullet? All too often when we see a "trans kid" there's actually a parent in the wings who has a reason for wanting to see their child that way.

Gender dysphoria isn’t currently considered a mental health problem by the NHS, however the impact of it is. I only know this after numerous discussions with various CAMHS psychologists and psychiatrists. This is why the only route to helping unravel what’s behind the dysphoria is via the Tavi or a few very limited private options if you are prepared to pay.

I’m not sure it’s easier to accept your child is the sex opposite to the one they were born as than to accept a complex mental health problem. The latter feels easier to fix than the former, in my view. This really is saying something bearing in mind how appalling community mental health support is but it’s far easier to get help for anxiety, anorexia, OCD, ASD and so on than it is for gender dysphoria.

God knows I wish there was a magic bullet, waiting for the police to find my child who’d run away to try and hang themselves is not an experience I ever wish to repeat again and if there was a magic bullet I’d pay millions for it to prevent that.

@TweeBree I apologise, I just re-read the post after I originally skim read and didn't see the "despite what this thread might show" part. I don't agree with that, so I can see how you may see it as stirring the pot. My mistake. Just trying to offer support.

@RuffleCrow

So you genuinely think testosterone and surgery could be the route to authenticity and feeling comfortable?! Like plastic surgery was the answer to Jesy from Little Mix feeling ugly?! Why change society when you can change yourself, right?

Steady on with the tone @RuffleCrow I’m trying here to respond and consider your points but the aggressive tone is not helping.

I don’t know for sure that it is the right route but it’s ‘a’ route and unfortunately I can’t change society overnight - I wish I could. That is another challenge for parents - changing society and expectations takes time and then even more time to see whether that would reduce the number of people identifying as trans. Time is not what we have right now.

That said we are going slow and steady and making sure our child has as much support for his mental health as possible as well as a thorough and robust gender assessment and investigation. A crystal ball would be lovely but I don’t have one of those.

Lightson my experience has been that, essentially, a hell of a lot of psychological issues are improved if the sufferer can start thinking in terms of themselves as an ongoing process rather than a fixed object (in this case, identity is fluid and evolving rather than fixed and eternal from the outset).

Can see why the 'rigid thinking' aspect of ASD would throw a spanner in those works!

But I'm wary of steering the thread away from OP; would happily expand elsewhere but this is perhaps not the best thread for picking it apart.

I think support and counselling should always be the first port of call before anything life-changing (whether it's the transgender debate, or plastic surgery or divorce or anything with potentially strong consequences) particularly when it involves young people. You can hold your views on your form of feminism, @Butterer and I won't try and take that away from you- if you hold the belief that everyone should be entitled to support and respect, even if that comes in a different group to the support you access, I don't see you being on the opposite side of the belief spectrum to me.

How are your other children doing? Do they get the same amount of attention? Does your partner also share the emotional load?
How many trans friends does your son have? What are his hobbies? What does he want to do in the future - university, a particular job?

@HecatesCats

Forgive me if you've addressed this OP and I don't mean to appear insensitive, but I'm genuinely interested in whether any alternative narratives have been discussed during the process you've described, specifically have you had conversations with your child about the possibility that they might be a female lesbian? Do they have positive role models who are gender non-conforming lesbians in their life?

This is another interesting question!

Yes so he initially came out as a lesbian and

I’ve been told that the gender psychologist will be exploring alternative narratives with him. It’s not unusual I believe in some families for children to feel they may be better accepted as a boy rather than a lesbian. Yet this hasn’t been our experience.. DS has had a much rougher time being openly trans than he ever was when he felt he was a lesbian.

I do have a number of friends who are both gay and lesbian and a couple that are gender conforming so he does have that in his life. I’m also comfortably bisexual so sexuality is no biggy in our house.

He moved on as he felt although is was and still is attracted to girls this was not about his sexuality but about gender.

@RuffleCrow

Well it's listed under conditions on the NHS website. I'm sorry that your child is going through this but your child will always be the sex they were at conception. Concentrate on their serious mental health problems and the likelihood is they will desist naturally with their beliefs about being born in the wrong body when they are well again. Maybe just humour them with pronouns etc while you're getting help for the suicidal behaviour etc. That would be my priority.

Thank you, the NHS says this:

Gender dysphoria is not a mental illness, but some people may develop mental health problems because of gender dysphoria.

But that is what you come across when you start trying to access information, and it sometimes (from a parental perspective) feels unhelpful and scary.

You see, that’s why I don’t understand you posting the Stonewall suicide stats on here as fact.

You sound like you’re accessing a lot of information about this issue, so you must have been aware that Stonewall is a trans lobbying group, and as such, has an agenda. Of course they are going to claim that trans people are more vulnerable than any other group and if that means pushing discredited suicide stats, so be it.

So far this hasn’t happened as he is luckily very androgynous and always has been. Definite advantages to being very slim and non curvy!

Men know who to oppress and who to rape, sadly, as has been shown when transmen think they pass as men but get raped.

It's also not just about body shape - it's about how your hips move when you walk, which is not something you can change because you can't change your skeleton.

At 16, there are boys who haven't developed yet and who appear slim and small like your child.

At 25, there will be none of these left and your child will either look like a pre-pubescent boy, until she moves, or like a skinny woman.

I was watching the interview with Keira Bell and from the front, when she stands still, she's had a mastectomy and appears more androgynous - like a boy who hasn't developed yet. When she walks you can see she's female. Her face shape is female too despite the testosterone she's had.

DS has had a much rougher time being openly trans than he ever was when he felt he was a lesbian.

This seems at odds with your post upthread:

I would argue that I have seen a positive improvement in his mental health since presenting as male, changing names and pronouns etc.

I’m confused!

@MondayYogurt

How are your other children doing? Do they get the same amount of attention? Does your partner also share the emotional load? How many trans friends does your son have? What are his hobbies? What does he want to do in the future - university, a particular job?

They are doing well, I keep in touch with school regularly in case they are showing any signs of stress/distress there but so far all is well. We do work hard to ensure that all three children have similar input from us both and that we spend time with them one on one too.

DH is great re the emotional load, we both work full time so share out the domestic load as it were pretty evenly.

DS doesn’t have trans friends - online support groups now but not in person - but he has a nice group of friends that have shared interests in music and skateboarding. He’s a bright kid and wants to go to University to study medicine and possibly specialise in anaesthetics