I am Jewish AMA

[Bells3032]

Following answering some Q&As on a thread about the programme Unorthodox thought i'd do an AMA here. I have looked and don't think there's been one since like 2018.

I am a traditional/modern orthodox Jew so not Hasidic like the show but I actually do talks on Judaism as part of my job and I so my knowledge is fairly good and I am rarely embarrassed or offended by questions.

So go ahead AMA

Are gay people accepted in Jewish communities ?

@susiesue61 they're not touching the door frame, they are touching what is called a mezuzah which is attached to the doorframe. This is a commandment in the torah to affix certain prayers on the doorway of your home. They are usually fixed to all doorframes of every room of the house bar the bathroom or toilet. They are rectangular boxes and inside are scrolls containing certain prayers and passages of the Torah. Some are quite simple and just plain glass and some are beautifully decorated (mine are blue and white diamontes), you can even have the box made out of the glass you smash during your wedding if you like. You are supposed to kiss them when you pass them as an act of respect for the words inside them.

Is it true that most Jewish people dont drink? It's not banned in scripture is it?

Do you feel less safe in the U.K.? Do you feel labour under Jeremy Corbyn has been anti Semitic?

Hi op, if I can please ask a question I've always wanted to ask but worried about seeming rude:

With shabbat - some orthodox Jewish people have told me they must not do any work this day, including things like switching a light switch, however they do things in advance like set light switch timers, ask a neighbour to turn an oven on and off for them, set up an eruv line so they can carry things about. My question - is the intention of a day of rest (presumably to reflect, worship and be less distracted from God?) somewhat lost if you have various 'cheats'? e.g. wouldn't it make sense to either spend the day without artificial light and rise and sleep with the sun, or just switch the light on and off, rather than go through the palaver of setting a light switch timer the day before - which to me seems to focus on the mechanics of 'not working' rather than focusing on reflection, religious time, family time etc?

Another question - I once met an Israeli Jewish man who said that he comes from a particular lineage where they were very keen for him to train to be a Rabbi or similar, due to his ancestors having a great importance in Judaism. Could this be true, that certain lineages are considered very important? I wasn't sure if he was genuine! He was actually an atheist but said he was considering becoming a Rabbi and he would be a shoe-in due to his family tree. He also said it's not that unusual to have an atheist Rabbi and it could be a really nice job to do!

Thanks so much for doing this OP, I am finding it fascinating!

@Darkrainbow - the mourning customs are very much set in stone and are relatively simple. It may depend on where the family is from as there are different customs. I am assuming you are not in charge of the actual burial so will skip over some of that

1. the body is collected by the local burial society - the body will be washed and dressed and will not be alone until it buried (I am not sure how this is being dealt with under the current coronavirus thing). A seven yahrzeit candle is usually lit by the mourners before the funeral commences. The mourners (a mourner is considered an immediate relative - parent, child, sibling and spouse) are invited into a room before the funeral and they cut their clothes (so if your father is a mourner then make sure he wears something he doesn't like or is old that can be cut and worn throughout the Shiva week - when my mother died I just wore an old cardigan over the rest of my clothes). By cut I mean a small incision made with scissors or torn if possible not cut to shreds.

1. the funeral will take place as soon as possible. in the uk this is usually the next day (bar a Saturday). the service is quite short but will include some prayers (men and women will usually stand on separately on either side of the coffin if in an orthodox synagogue though reform will be together). The service is usually involving a few prayers and an obituary before everyone follows the coffin and the mourners to the gravesite.

1. at the gravesite the coffin is lowered into the ground whilst a few more prayers are said. The attendees (starting with the mourners) will help fill in the grave. Men are usually given a spade and can dig into the mud and women are given finer dirt in the container to sprinkle in. Women can shovel the mud if they like it's just not expected that you have to, it's your own choice. People will then return to the hall via a different route, wash their hands and then return to the hall for conclusions.

1. Mourners will gather in one home for the next week (known as the Shiva week). When they return from the funeral they are usually given an egg or a bagel or any round food as reminder of life being circular. The next week will see people coming round to provide company for the mourners. If they are Ashkenazi (of eastern European descent) people will bring them lots of food all week, if they are Sephardi then usually the family will supply everyone else with food. When you visit (I am assuming you are from the UK) you wish the mourner a long life (this is different across different countries - it has no meaning it's just a traditional saying to give people something to say). Nightly people will gather and prayers will be said.

1. If your father is a mourner he will need to, for the week of the shiva:

• cover all mirrors in the house

• not shave and not wear leather and wear something that has been torn (as mentioned earlier)

• sit on a low seat

• if it is a parent who has died then you are supposed to say prayers at synagogue every day for a year, not go to big parties etc (there are a few exceptions to this rule) and not listen to loud music.

I hope that's helpful and I wish your father long life.

Oh - I've just read your post about Cohens - maybe he was a Cohen. Would that mean he would be more likely to be accepted for Rabbi training?

The other question I have - in general what do the different Jewish communities tend to think of one another? e.g. the traditional orthodox communities, the more modern Jewish communities and the non-religious Jewish people? I read that some orthodox communities disagree with the state of Israel being founded which confused me initially, and I wondered whether there is any tension between these different communities within Judaism? I've just been googling since watching Unorthodox so apologies if I've misunderstood anything.

@troppibambini because Cohen's are meant to be priests and dead bodies are profane. there are obviously exceptions especially if they are a relative and there are ways to purify yourself again if you need to.

@Violetparis a complicated answer and one that's come to a head very recently with the new required education on homosexuality. In very religious groups it is nor accepted and considered abhorrent I am afraid. More modern orthodox are really a sliding spectrum but generally it is accepted they exist but not actively encouraged. However, the chief rabbi of the UK took a big step last year in publishing guidance on responding to homosexuality which basically set out that it isn't something people can control and whilst they don't encourage it they encourage parents with gay children to accept their children as they are and always treat other people with respect. Reform and other groups are very accepting and I know many jewish gay men. it's becoming more accepted but sadly not fast enough.

@Janaih
Nope not true at all. Think you're thinking of Muslims. in fact wine is major part of worship and on the festival of Purim you are commanded to get drunk. generally speaking though they do believe in moderation and that you shouldn't abuse it.

@HermioneWeasley
overall yes I feel safe. I have been witness to antisemtism and I do believe Labour had a massive issue of it under JC which I hope will be addressed by KS who seems to be putting it as a big priority. I don't really think it's grown as a problem over the last few years - just become more visible esp with internet allowing what used to be hushed voices in the corner now being broadcast to millions. but that's my personal view. I am a very loud and proud jew and nothing will intimidate me from being so.

Hello Bells. Thank you for answering all these questions!

To go back to something mentioned earlier; somebody asked how common it would be to get a divorce if a couple didn't conceive. You said if a woman were infertile this might happen. I don't understand why it is assumed that when a couple don't conceive it is because of the woman's infertility? It's just as likely to be because of the man. What would happen in that case? Would the man be seen as defective and the woman entitled to a divorce (as in Unorthodox)?

I find it odd that you immediately went along with the idea that failure to conceive is a woman's 'fault' .

How on earth do you remember all the rules?

@rosiepony no I don't cos I just don't think there are that many people that care about banning it and Jews and Muslims are growing in numbers so will likely be more not less.

@CrimeAndMumishment I think that it is a good thing. I think it's good to educate people of what happened there and having been there it is very very moving. I hope more people get the opportunity to visit and therefore nothing like that ever happens again. But obviously anyone visiting should be respectful.

As for being well educated it's a cultural thing - I think particularly since they were originally poor immigrant communities they saw education as a way of giving their kids more than they had. There is always been an emphasis on education and parents who support their children being so.

@ilovemydogandMrObama the Talmud is the oral teachings and the commentary surrounding the old testament (Torah or Tenakh). it basically expands and explains the various commandments and details in the Torah itself.

Not my thread but really interesting to see, and only one horrible comment so far!

Merida I can only speak for my own north west London Jewish family who are mainly reform but they are quite suspicious of the hasidic Jews and find their way of life unusual. My cousin became very religious/orthodox and when she married she shaved her head, bought a house in the eruv and it was as well received as me marrying Catholic DH! I'd aliken it to my friends who are Christian but only go to church at Christmas and how they might feel about Mormons/Brethren/another very strict firm of Christianity.

@CrimeAndMumishment I went to Auschwitz with my entire family- 20 of us as a pilgrimage. I was in my late teens and it left a profound impression on me and very much connected me to my heritage and ethnicity. I'm agnostic at best, but it very much hit home that if I had been alive I would have ended up there too. I don't think it's a place for selfies and cafes but it's very important as a place of remembrance. My grandfather was the youngest of seven, he and his sister were sent to London just before war broke out. Everyone else in his family died in Auschwitz.

Sorry for jumping in @Bells3032

Oh yes, education is highly valued and you are expected to work hard!

@MeridasWisp and @TomBradysLeftKneecap

Both of you asked similar questions about Jews finding loopholes in the Torah. Some would definitively agree with you and don't use eruvs or timers of Shabbat - some just consider it a different definition. I guess it's kind of like how people find loopholes to reduce their tax bill - doesn't mean they will stop paying tax altogether they just want a way to reduce the burden (and you can consider it right or wrong based on your own moral compass).

As for the Rabbi linage thing no being a Cohen doesn't help you become a Rabbi. From my guess this guy just came from a well respected family with a long line of Rabbis and he was expecting to follow in the family trade.

As for what different sects think of each other - like any group or religion there are tensions between the communities but generally they co-exist pretty well. Usually intermarriage between different sects are common and accepted and when something big happens they usually pull together. But that doesn't mean they always get along and I am sure there are many mainstream jews who make fun of haradi people and haradis who think mainstream jews are heathen.

@MartySouth
in that incidence I was referring to the show. As I said the Rabbi would encourage them to make every effort to conceive a child together and have examinations to determine the cause of an infertility - in the case of the show it was her as she couldn't have sex. In Judaism the be fruitful commandments actually only applies to men, there is no such duty on a woman and therefore if he is able to conceive a child but she isn't he will still be expected to complete this commandment. If the man is infertile but the woman isn't then there is no such commandment she has to fulfil and therefore there isn't the pressure. However, in Judaism you don't actually need a reason for a divorce and if a woman wants children and her husband can't give them to her she can divorce him (just like any secular woman) or she can chose to stay. As said the show is quite unrealistic at how quickly he gives up and I think it's more meant to be his own frustration and family pressure driving his comment.

Slightly weird one here, sorry for the amount of backstory. I was once editing for an American writer who wrote fiction about an American Jewish person visiting the UK who was facing lots of open antisemitism from educated professional Londoners. He'd only been on a holiday to the UK and I was supposed to check the book for accuracy amongst other things.

I've had various Jewish classmates and colleagues over the years and as far as I knew, no one had batted an eyelid or made any difference, except to respect any observances. This guy's fictional account of antisemitism by English professionals just seemed OTT and I did check with a Jewish friend who also said they hadn't experienced that either (but we move in similar circles). It obviously wasn't my place to say what other people might experience, but I think I did in the end suggest it seemed a bit extreme, as he wanted advice on the realism of the UK stuff.

Having heard more about anti-semitism in the labour party, I've been wondering whether I should have given a different answer. Am I not seeing the anti-semitism and do I need to open my eyes more? What kind of things have you experienced that are antisemitic? Is it something that happens more in certain groups/parts of society? (I can imagine people in the small village where I grew up would be more antisemitic than a community of multicultural, educated, London liberals, they were certainly a lot more racist generally.)

Thanks

Hello
So my question is
Why do Jewish women have such beautiful skin?!
I lived in a Jewish area in Europe and each day at the vegetable market I’d see Jewish women shopping, often with 6 or 7 or more kids , and they were always slim and always had flawless complexions. And I mean flawless, like porcelain.
No make up, no wrinkles, not a blemish. I always found it just astounding . Diet? Beauty routine?
What is it?

@Puppybum honestly, you don't. there are 613 commandments and lots of extra rules around them. You aren't expected to know every rule and not all will apply to you - some are around the temple, some concern crime and punishment, some only concern men, others women, others rabbis. But you always have the scriptures to go back to if you aren't sure. Admittedly many of them you just learn from growing up with them, others you will never come across.

@DreamingofSunshine you're very welcome to jump in. I am trying my best to keep up. I am definitely not precious.

Do you think because the UK's hassidic jews do not use contraception and families of 10 children + are the norm and presumably many orthodox and reform jews and do most often use contraception (and some lose their faith) that ultimately most jews in the UK will be hassidic (just as in Israel for similar reasons the ultra orthodox numbers grow every year)?

Sorry for my all questions and thank you for answering previous. I love other cultures. My husband has said he thinks there is some rule where Jewish cannot eat certain food together for example something that has been fed by the other food. He is not 100% clear as it was many years ago when he visited a community. That sandwiches are not as we know it ham and cheese on top of each other, that the ham would be in one corner of the sandwich and the cheese in another. Again, I'm not sure if this is any way true! I hope it makes sense.

Another Jew here, I wear a tichel but am not hugely observant, only go to services occasionally, I do light my hannukiah etc. I wasn’t brought up observant but my grandparents and extended family are fairly observant. A couple of generations ago we had orthodox members but I would class myself as reform.

For the record, I have dark hair that has spiral curls, green eyes and a very Jewish nose. I never say “oh vey” (although some people say it AT me when they find out I’m Jewish), but a few Yiddish and Hebrew words do cross my lips occasionally!

Thanks for your patient answering of all these questions, OP.

@WeirdlyOdd I am not entirely sure what the question is. Everyone has different experiences and I know some people who have experienced loads of antisemtism and some who have experienced none. I think the smaller villages they just don't know what a jew really is. In education there are a lot of left wing individuals who may be anti-Israel and they spill over into anti-Semitism by blaming jews as a whole for the actions of Israel or it could be that he was more visibly Jewish than the people you know or visiting areas. Last year the CST (a Jewish group which collects data on antisemitism) recorded 1800 incidents of antisemitism so it's definitely not non-existent. I have experienced a couple of incidents mainly when I have been with male friends who are visibly Jewish(ie wearing a Kippah etc). But I don't know about this individual's experience.

@Therollockingrogue
I don't know but if you find out could you please tell me. I am short and chubby and very red skin!

Thank you for answering my question and all the others too, it's fascinating.

*hanukkiah

I never manage to spell that right!

@Therollockingrogue I think it's genes- I'm only of the lucky unwrinkled porcelain skin ones! I e embraced it now but as a teenager I wanted to tan.

@ShoppingBasket in basic terms, you can't have meat and milk in the same meal. Kosher restaurants will serve one or the other- so an Italian restaurant might be vegetarian as it uses cheese but a grill restaurant will do meat but dessert is dairy free ice cream etc. No ham as pork isn't kosher!