Im becoming a surrogate, AMA

[HotPotatoBlessMySoul]

Just had first transfer in hopes of becoming a surrogate for a friend.
Ask away.

*What happens if the baby is born prematurely or has disabilities will they still take the baby ?

Yes. They will. It’s on the contract.*

What 'contract'?

I thought surrogacy arrangements were not legally enforcable in the UK?

Actually ToooRevealing is right, in terms of attachment theory.
In a healthy, stable pregnancy, as long as children have that consistent bond, love, needs met from a committed caregiver after birth, they will form their attachment bonds. There is no reason that a child would develop an attachment disorder purely through surrogacy, and no evidence to suggest this at all. There would have to be other elements of parenting missing to impact in this way.
I am not personally a supporter of surrogacy, but it doesn’t help to use incorrect arguments.

They only want one anyway.

So it it’s twins?

The same as the rest of us twin parents who planned on having just that one extra child 😂😂

The same as the rest of us twin parents who planned on having just that one extra child

The whole point is this is not the same as a normal situation.

I’m really sorry OP but I can only see that you are creating a child in order to give it away. How cruel and unnecessary! My question - how will you face your children in years to come and explain you gave away their sibling as if it was a batch of cupcakes?

Adoption or termination.

Have you considered a future adoptive parent trying to explain this to the child? ‘Well, you were made to order, then they changed their minds and your mum didn’t want you either but it was too late to terminate’.

Nice.

The whole point is this is not the same as a normal situation. except if that egg splits, it is. You really think people who have gone to this effort with their friends are going to demand sele tive reduction or full abortion cos its two not one? Or leave one with the op?

sleeping exactly that happened here...

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-65930/Surrogate-sues-couple-turned-twins.html

What happens to the baby if both dads, for example, die in a car accident before delivery

Oooo interesting. I’ll ask them.
But if I found out my son had a baby and he died before it was born I’d claim it in a heartbeat.

I don’t get this, are you saying you’d expect one of the intended fathers’ parents to “claim” the baby?

This thread just highlights all the problems with surrogacy. It only took till the 2nd page to come up with a scenario the OP hasn’t thought of and the rest relies on good will, honouring a contract that can’t really be enforced, massive hope that nothing will go wrong, and confusion regarding whose rights are at the forefront of the agreement.

It's fantastic that you're helping your friends.

Will your couple attend antenatal appointments with you? Will they be there at the birth? How do you all plan for them to bond with the baby, and the baby with them, during the pregnancy?

Do you know any other surrogates? Will you be joining either COTS or Surrogacy UK, the two oldest surrogacy organisations in the UK? (both free for surrogates to join). Where have you gathered your information on surrogacy from?

I’m getting my expenses and time paid for.

Must admit, I'm confused by this. Which time, specifically? You can be reimbursed for pregnancy related expenses such as travel, childcare and loss of earnings, but it's illegal to be paid for your time as if doing a job. Can you explain how you're the right side of that line?

How does your husband feel about becoming both your carer and sole earner should you become disabled as a result of the birth?

Would this be a question you ask to someone who has announced a second or third pregnancy? If not, why not, as it applies equally?

Have you considered a future adoptive parent trying to explain this to the child? ‘Well, you were made to order, then they changed their minds and your mum didn’t want you either but it was too late to terminate’.

Another question no one would think to ask another pregnant women? What if you change your mind and it's too late terminate, how will the adoptive parents explain?

I saw a thread last week where the op actually did this, TTC, fell pregnant, then changed her mind and was planning an abortion. 99% of the responses were "fair enough, go for it". Which I agree with myself, but no one seemed at all scandalised or said "fuck that's cold".

I saw a thread last week where the op actually did this, TTC, fell pregnant, then changed her mind and was planning an abortion. 99% of the responses were "fair enough, go for it". Which I agree with myself, but no one seemed at all scandalised or said "fuck that's cold"

I think the 'that's cold' was in reference to the OPs saying that if the baby's 'parents' decided they no longer wanted the pre-ordered baby, she would give it up for adoption because 'it's not mine'.

And yes that is cold. Reducing an innocent baby to a product that if rejected by those who ordered it, gets shunted off in a 'nothing to do with me' fashion. Amazed how anyone can support this.

womanaf surely your scenario of the future adoptive parent could also occur if a straight couple decided to have a baby, but then "changed their minds, the man left, the woman didn't want to have a baby after all, and it was too late to terminate".

surely your scenario of the future adoptive parent could also occur if a straight couple decided to have a baby, but then "changed their minds, the man left, the woman didn't want to have a baby after all, and it was too late to terminate".

It’s actually really quite hard in the UK to give a baby up for adoption, I think.

Pretty sure the woman in your example would have a harder time persuading the SWs that her child was the state’s problem than OP would.

And in all the thousands of man-leaves-pg-woman stories I’ve heard, I’ve never heard of that one tbh.

Whereas surrogacy is fraught with such.

I thought surrogacy arrangements were not legally enforcable in the UK?

They aren't.

Also a woman in that scenario would surely agonise over the decision to give up her baby, not shrug her shoulders and say 'not mine' as the OP did.

@BitchPeas you wouldn't need to do anything unethical, just explore the nature of attachment in babies and toddlers and observe differences between those with different starts in life.

But you couldn't. Because you couldn't map the exact nuance of attachment. Would a caring bonded gay dad /baby dyad create a better or worse attachment than a PND suffering non-surrogate mum with a colicky baby who she avoids looking at or picking up? And how do you measure how responsive is responsive? You can't. Because attachment theory is brilliant but it is broad-stroke and best at defining neglect and when children and caregivers have vital parts missing in their relationship. I am sick of it being used inaccurately to bash mums and caregivers whether surrogates or not.

Gut feeling- there's probably a load of hormonal and biome-related immunological interplay between the person who gives birth and the baby, and the one egg/one gestator/one caregiver model of Mother Nature probably makes that all happen best. But is the lack of that enough to outlaw surrogacy? A harder ethical question.

Fgs we leave pups with their bitch for 8 weeks.

Well, sure, so that they can be taken care of. The baby is going to get taken care of too--by the adoptive/genetic parents. Nobody is going to be abandoning the baby.

The (admittedly somewhat limited as of 2020) data which is available on the long-term psychological outcomes of kids born through gestational surrogacy, suggests that they turn out just fine and have psychological profiles comparable to children born in the "regular" manner. Of course, this could change as the kids get older and as the pool of surrogacy-born kids grows, resulting in a larger amount of data. So far, however, there are no particular reasons to worry about the psychological health of surrogacy-born children.

academic.oup.com/humupd/article/22/2/260/2457841
www.today.com/health/new-study-tracks-emotional-health-surrogate-kids-6C10366818

I think the concern about "bonding/attachment will cause psychological issues in the child" is coming from the observation that adoptive children in general (even those who were adopted at birth) have high levels of behavioral and psychological issues--but there are much more probable causes for these issues and none of these causes is applicable to most cases of surrogacy.

We no longer live in an age when psychologically normal, bright teenage girls regularly give up babies for adoption due to unexpected pregnancy, so babies adopted at birth are usually being adopted out due to their being removed from their parents by court order--typical reasons being drug addiction, alcoholism, neglect/abuse or older siblings, very low IQ/serious mental health problems that can't be managed or treated, or having parents who consist of a violent and dangerous man and a woman who refuses to leave him or keeps forming relationships with other dangerous men. If the genetic children of people with these kinds of profiles have high rates of "issues" of various kinds, I am not going to collapse in astonishment, let's put it that way.

So you are giving up the right to basic decisions about your own body.. they can make you have an abortion?

Yup.

maybe you were just kidding there, but that’s not how abortion works in Britain. Nobody else can legally make a woman have an abortion. It must be her own decision to consent to as a medical treatment, but also (because of patriarchy) two doctors decide on if she can legally be allowed have it or not.

The contract isn’t relevant to any of that. It isn’t in itself, a reason the doctors would accept. You’d have to give a different reason for wanting the abortion, for example that is about what you wanted to happen yourself.

Did you think a lot about women’s choices and control over their own bodies in general (or your own previous experience of choice and control) as part of your thinking it over to become a surrogate yourself?

How would you feel if for their next child or for their next children, they used a different surrogate?
How would you feel if they used a different surrogate for each child?
How would you feel if another surrogate doesn’t have any relationship with the child? How would you feel if it was an overseas surrogate under a different legal system?
How would you feel if they chose a co-parenting arrangement with a woman or female couple or adoption for their next children, and not surrogacy?

Do you work? If so you get to take maternity leave?

Not offended, I think you worded that very nicely. Thank you

I’m hoping it’s positive first time.
I’m happy doing this but the drugs and time and the transfer were hard.
They have a certain amount of eggs and I can stop any time but I hope it happens first time. We’ve all been waiting ages to get here. I’ll be sad if it’s negative. For them and I’ll have to remind myself it’s not my fault if it doesn’t work first time or ever.
Like Id be sad for a sister if she was hoping for a positive test.. does that make sense?

Am I able to abort? Well I think I’d talk to them if I was so distressed, and knowing my friends as out previous conversations I think they’d understanding. It might change a few things and I’d be sad but ultimately my mental health would be paramount if I felt that way. Which I doubt.*

Thank you for answering my question.
My fingers are crossed for you and I hope the first test is a big fat positive. I also hope that all expectations of the. Surrogacy and after are met.

I do understand, and if any of my friends or sisters miscarry I would be upset and worried about them. So yes, I get it!

Good luck Op! I can't have anymore children but would have done this for sisters and certain friends had the question been asked. Well, I say I would, I think the idea is lovely. I am not sure about the reality though.

Last question...will you keep us updated on how you are doing throughout?

@HotPotatoBlessMySoul I have a couple of questions:

Firstly, how does your maternity leave and their paternity? adoption? leave work? How much time are you entitled to and how much do you expect to actually take? Are they entitled to any from birth, it does it just kick in once the baby is legally theirs?

Secondly, how do you think the pregnancy will affect your work, and how will your employers respond to your situation? I.e. will there be aspects of your job you can't do while you're pregnant etc? Will your boss be nice about any sick leave? (I presume they legally have to not discriminate, but can still be nice/grumpy about it iyswim).
I mainly ask because I'm 13 weeks myself now and there's loads of stuff I can't do at work because of risk. I've had a week or so off with bad nausea and exhaustion and am now on reduced hours. My boss is being great but idk how they'd be if I was doing it for someone else and getting "paid".

In all honesty I can't decide whether you are the most amazing altruistic person or completely mad, but I wish you the best in any case

how will you face your children in years to come and explain you gave away their sibling as if it was a batch of cupcakes?

It wouldn’t genetically their sibling though would it?

I don’t think I could do this but what OP is doing is a lovely thing, helping her friends be parents

it’s a hard one for many of you that we’ve got to be so trusting but as you say it’s not enforceable.

Indeed. So given the fact that contracts aren't enforceable, what happens if the baby is born prematurely or has disabilities?

Your original answer was

Yes. They will. It’s on the contract.

But you can't make them take a baby. So if you continue with the pregnancy and there are complications with the baby, what happens if they change their mind?