Im becoming a surrogate, AMA

[HotPotatoBlessMySoul]

Just had first transfer in hopes of becoming a surrogate for a friend.
Ask away.

is doing the most generous and loving act for her dear friends a woman could possibly do

What’s the male equivalent? IS there a male equivalent? I can’t think of one.

All planned babies are manufactured to demand. Any fetus can be jettisoned from the womb if the woman carrying it doesn't want it to become a baby (and has access to abortion). Nothing grim about being born because you were wanted.

What’s the male equivalent? IS there a male equivalent? I can’t think of one.

Clearly there can’t be an equivalent, but I do know of people who have donated a kidney and part of a liver.

What you are doing Op is amazing. Ignore the witches on here. All the best to you and the parents to be x

What’s the male equivalent? IS there a male equivalent? I can’t think of one.

Living organ donor, is the most similar other situation to surrogacy that I can think of, in that there is a risk to the health/life of the donor. (though more women do that than men, IIRC).
The kidney donor I know got some expenses paid. These were about a tenth of the 'expenses' surrogate mothers typically claim. And crucially, these were paid for by the NHS, not from the kidney recipient directly, and the donor got them whatever the result was for the recipient. Whereas the only woman I know who attended surrogacy had a miscarriage and was left very out of pocket, as well as traumatised.

Yes organ donor is the closest I can think of, which of course isn’t exclusive to men, and is for the health of the recipient, not a lifestyle choice.

Living organ donor, is the most similar other situation to surrogacy that I can think of, in that there is a risk to the health/life of the donor

But donating an organ can save a person's life.

Surrogacy only means that a small number of people get to indulge their selfish desire to have their 'own' baby. So the risks really aren't in proportion to the benefits, especially when you remember there is an innocent baby involved.

Yep, organ donation

But this is a child who is being manufactured to meet demand. This is a foetus that will be jettisoned from the womb if it becomes unwanted stock.

Not sure what I feel about surrogacy in general but aside from your choice of words (manufactured, stock), is this really any different from a heterosexual couple choosing to try for a baby, assuming you’re also pro-choice and believe it’s acceptable to have an abortion? The way you describe the foetus being jettisoned from the womb is, again, essentially just a description of abortion using emotive language. In any case that seems to be far from the intention of anyone involved in this situation.

I don’t quite understand why on Mumsnet there seems to be such a black and white view on everything. This sounds like a complex situation but why all talk about attachment disorders etc? Because it fits a particular feminist narrative I suppose, regardless of how regressive it would be if applied to other circumstances, ditto all the frothing about colostrum.

If OP returns I'd like to know, if you go through lots of pregnancy attempts, will expenses be paid throughout? If you have a miscarriage will all your expenses to that point and any incurred due to the miscarriage be paid? And if something tragic was to happen and you had a stilbirth, or the baby sustained a brain injury during birth, will all your expenses be covered and will they still take on the severely disabled child?

I think being a surrogate mother for a couple who want you to have an abortion if the child has a disability is partcularly risky. They don't want a child, they want a healthy child, which means that if there is a disability discovered after the birth (as most are) they are likely not to want the child after all - and to not want to pay expenses so they can try again with someone else.

Surrogacy only means that a small number of people get to indulge their selfish desire to have their 'own' baby. So the risks really aren't in proportion to the benefits, especially when you remember there is an innocent baby involved.

Oh I entirely agree.
The same people who justify making separating mothers and newborns with "motherhood is a state of mind" seem to be convinced that male couples can only experience true fatherhood by getting a perfect, healthy newborn baby. Never mind all the existing children out there who need fathers. It's so inconsistent.

Not sure what I feel about surrogacy in general but aside from your choice of words (manufactured, stock), is this really any different from a heterosexual couple choosing to try for a baby, assuming you’re also pro-choice and believe it’s acceptable to have an abortion?

Yes because in that case the mother - in consultation with her partner - would be the one to decide whether or not to abort the baby in her womb. Whereas the OP has said straight out that the commissioning parents would be the ones who get to decide whether or not the child she is carrying would be aborted if it failed to meet their requirements. They even got their 'friend' to sign a contract to this effect.

So no, not the same thing.

NotTheLC, yes - a disability discovered after birth would worry me, if there was an abort for disability clause in the contract. Especially if it were along the lines of something caused by eg deprivation of oxygen at birth.

This sounds like a complex situation but why all talk about attachment disorders etc? Because it fits a particular feminist narrative I suppose, regardless of how regressive it would be if applied to other circumstances, ditto all the frothing about colostrum.

Are your compression skills really that poor? Even after reading all the ‘frothing’ you still don’t understand

It’s coming from a place of understanding of a child’s biological needs, not an adults wants. It’s putting the child first.

I haven’t even started on my feminist view point on surrogacy. Which is basically putting it up there with prostitution - paying to use a woman’s body for your own benefit and her detriment.

Op will you come back and update this (or start a new thread and link) if/when you fall pregnant and almost diarise now it's going? It would be interesting to follow this right through til the legal bit is done and for you life goes back to how it was before.

@Sagradafamiliar * Do you think it's right that you're going to be raising your own children to believe that humans are 'gifts' to be given? And to believe that women are walking incubators for others to use as they wish?

Do you believe that everyone has a right to have children?*

Considering that surrogacy is using humans as gifts is an opinion of yours then I'd say that perhaps No; she might not be going down that route with her own children.

Literally speaking a uterus is indeed an incubator for human life, however as in this particular instance the woman to whom the uterus belongs feels no cohesion, or confusion about her purpose and has clearly stated that she's recurved therapy that will continue throughout until she no longer requires it - I'd say the only person referring to her as an incubator is you!

As for having a right to a child - clearly not everyone has a right to a child in this instance an egg has been donated and a surrogate mother has accepted the request to carry the child. Should neither exist then the couple wouldn't be having a biological child. Given the lengths the couple are going to in order to be parents it would seem to me that they're well aware that they have no 'rights' to a child but with hard work, patience, love and good luck they might well have the honour of being parents. However .. doesn't that apply to all conception??

OP I really commend and admire the generosity in your heart! I have no questions for you just a hope that your pregnancy goes well and you stay safe.

Sorry to see that you're being 'come at' by people who claim their views and concerns to be for your wellbeing as a woman whilst detailing your ability to make choices for yourself, inferring that you'll be raising your children to have toxic views of women and that your lovely friends are using you to stamp their right to be parents on the world because they're male.

Honestly as a woman I don't think I'm over more patronised or offended regarding issues of my gender than by anyone more than I am by 'feminists' 🙄

Given the lengths the couple are going to in order to be parents

Other than one of them providing sperm, what 'lengths' have the couple gone to? It'll be the woman - surprise surprise - undergoing all the risks and hardships of pregnancy and childbirth. They just have to pay 'expenses' and take delivery of the product they commissioned. No great sacrifice on their part.

your lovely friends

Such 'lovely friends' that they got her to sign a contract saying that they, not she, get to decide if the child in her womb is carried to term or not?

What's so 'lovely' about this couple?

ahenderson270 It's not about anyone's "right to be parents" it's considering needs and interests of the child. Your post was entirely about the adults involved. I think the gist of the opposition is there just isn't enough long term research into adulthood to be sure that intentionally motherless children will be ok.

Of course the surrogate and intended parents must discuss all eventualities including views on abortion. Normally the surrogate would follow the IPs' wishes (as agreed earlier in a trusting friendship). In the unlikely event that they disagree later, the surrogate would have the right to decide, and this should be clear to all before the arrangement starts.

It's very unfair to imply that all intended parents who'd consider an abortion within a surrogacy arrangement are somehow seeking a designer baby.

Like everyone else, some might decide on a termination only for a serious condition incompatible with life, but not for other reasons. Others might terminate if Downs Syndrome is diagnosed. Surrogacy or not, if Downs is diagnosed in pregnancy, in 90 per cent of UK cases the woman will decide to have a termination. The fact that some surrogates might do the same if requested by the IPs is obviously to be expected.

If you return OP I was wondering if you had to have anti-rejection drugs as the egg is from another woman and not from your body?

My understanding is that your body would see it as a foreign body basically and there were medicines you had to take to stop your body from rejecting it.

I'm genuinely interested to know how that works, if it's daily injections or a one off thing?

@KettlePolly see that's a separate issue to the 'women's rights' issues raised in the post I replied to.

You're right it is massively lacking in terms of knowing how these children turn out and should be a huge concern to anyone undertaking this form of having a child. I couldn't agree more that this is an actual issue within the subject of surrogate parenting and should definitely be addressed by all parties involved.

Whether the OPs children will grow up thinking women are only incubators for gay men.. is a none issue being thrown at the op because she's doing the one thing some staunch feminists can't wrap their head around - making a sound choice about her female body that doesn't comply with what they think she should be doing with it.. but it's the male couple that are taking her choices away though right..

And you’re happy with that study, that spoke to 30 children, 3 time’s, age the ages of 3,7 and 10? And probably the parents of the surrogate child, who of course would naturally, either consciously or subconsciously, not mention any emotional issues in their children as they would not want to admit it was their ‘fault’ for want of a better word?*

I’m not considering that study in isolation. Everything I know and have learned about attachment, from research going back decades, tells me that surrogacy on its own would not lead to attachment disorder (which is a rare diagnosis) or even to disordered attachment styles. You need a deficit in parenting to have that impact.

I’m not saying that no children will have emotional issues - of course, it’s something different to navigate and something else that could potentially be handled wrongly. But this isn’t the same as disordered attachment.

As I’ve said, I don’t personally support surrogacy and I don’t believe that adults have a right to have children. I understand what people are saying. Just being a bit pedantic, I guess, about the language being used.

It'll be the woman - surprise surprise - undergoing all the risks and hardships of pregnancy and childbirth.

Most surrogacy arrangements at the moment are for straight couples, where the woman is unable to go through pregnancy herself. They may have been through many years of disappointments, several miscarriages, repeated failed IVF cycles, be post cancer treatment, have a medical issue incompatible with pregnancy, or have been born with no womb (MRKH). Surrogacy is a last resort for these women, who would dearly LOVE to be able to be able to go through pregnancy and birth themselves, if only they could.

The law changed a few years ago so that gay men and single people can now also legally have children through surrogacy. The principle remains that it is the surrogate who chooses who she would like to help, and it will be someone she gets on well with as friends.

It’s coming from a place of understanding of a child’s biological needs, not an adults wants. It’s putting the child first.

Fair enough, I guess it’s not a feminist point then. I don’t think the evidence shows that having a different caregiver is detrimental to the child though.

is this really any different from a heterosexual couple choosing to try for a baby, assuming you’re also pro-choice and believe it’s acceptable to have an abortion? The way you describe the foetus being jettisoned from the womb is, again, essentially just a description of abortion using emotive language. In any case that seems to be far from the intention of anyone involved in this situation.

Yes because in that case the mother - in consultation with her partner - would be the one to decide whether or not to abort the baby in her womb. Whereas the OP has said straight out that the commissioning parents would be the ones who get to decide whether or not the child she is carrying would be aborted if it failed to meet their requirements.

Ultimately though it's still the mother's decision, if she chooses to terminate because the fathers no longer want to be involved it's no different from any other woman terminating because her relationship or situation has changed considerably. Or do you believe that would be wrong to? (Personally I think I woman can choose to have an abortion for any reason). And please don't pretend not to understand the number of time the word "choice" had been used (as a pp did upthread).

I think some of the arguments against surrogacy are valid (in many countries it is very poor women who do it, who may feel they may have no choice), but many of the posts on here are basically just anti abortion. And there had been some horrible bullying of a (possibly pregnant) woman, which I have no idea how you can justify.