My children were removed by Social Services. AMA

[OpiesOldLady]

Obviously nothing that could identify us but I'll be as open and as honest as i can be.

Why?

It was brave of you to post.

Do you think it was a fair/ correct decision?

And are you able to see them?

Do you have contact with them now?

Do you feel you got enough chances to turn things around? Do you think you could have done anything differently? I'm sorry that the outcome wasn't different for you all.

@BrassTactical - Because of risk of neglect and it was felt i would be unable to meet their emotional needs moving forward.

I had a nervous breakdown, and due to that and other serious health problems i was unable to keep on top of the housework and things slid.

Don't get me wrong, i adore my children and my heart beats for them, but at that time, i just couldn't cope and fosyer care was the best place for them.

Did you get them back? If so how long were they out of your care? Family or stranger Foster? And do you feel that you had the support that you needed, and easy access to that help?

How old are / were the children? How did this affect them?

You say housework, was it very bad? My house is often messy and I grew up I a neglectful home myself, so I often struggle to see what is normal. Was the house one of the main reasons?

It was absolutely the best and fair decision for my babies. After they left i had another breakdown, but with the help of a wonderful therapist i am recovering and see a future for us.

Yes, i see my children regularly - the younger three i see once every 6 weeks for two hours and i have telephone contact with them weekly.

My eldest child has just been approved to come back and live with me on a placement with parents. I am beyond excited. I've passed all the assessments needed of me and have been able to show i have lots of support now and I'm in such a better place emotionally.

It was a stranger foster placement but i was able to meet the foster carers beforehand to tell them about my child so they could have an idea ofwho they were.

At the time they were 5,7,9 and 13. We're two yeats on now.

From what i can see, although the children miss me - and I miss them terribly - it's been good for them in the way that they have been able to access the help that they needed. My eldest two were sexually abused by my stepson and obviously hugely traumatised. They've been given soecialist help and it's done/is doing them the wirld of good.

Were they placed with the same foster family or seperated?

You sound like an amazing mother who puts her child’s needs ahead of her feelings. I’m in absolute awe with how you managed to work with social service despite how devastating this all might’ve been.

Can you explain a bit more, about “housework” condition? Not trying to judge in anyway. But how bad is bad I’m trying to figure because I do have days where I’m extremely not proud of my house.

Was it a hoarding situation or just crumbs and mess? And how did you manage to fix that? And did you have guidelines that you had to reach before you would be allowed your kids back ? Any training material that you could share with us about standards you needed to reach before you are allowed your kids back ?

Many of us who grew up in abusive/neglectful homes are just basing everything on our own judgement and it’s not always simple to work out how little is too little for a bad day.

Thanks I’m advance. I’m so happy you are getting one child back and hope you get the rest too.

Their ordeal sounds horrific. :(.

Is once every 6 weeks the usual contact time as I assumed you can visit your child once a week or so. And have they all been placed together ?

We’re you able to have an input in who fosters your children? Would you have been allowed to object or interfere if certain lifestyle choices are things you disagree with?

But, OP, was it because of the sexual abuse that your children were removed, or because of 'risk of neglect'/your health and MH?

I wish you all the best with having your 15 year old back home. Will your worker support you both with this, especially if your child has to move school. That’s tough at 15.

I hope they will still be able to have contact with FC, if they wish, as that will help with the transition. Does your 15yo like their social worker?

I hope you can also get more contact with your younger children.

Am out and about at the moment so please bear with me with answering questions.

They have been seperated, on advice, as it was felt that each child has complex needs and so they needed one on one, which as a single parent of four cildren, i just wasn't able to provide properly. To have that focus just on them i can see has been so beneficial to them, my youngest son especially has really benefited from it.

The sexual abuse was not yhe reason they were removed. When my son disclosed to me i went straight to the police and social servicces. Initially there was a care order proceedings brought, but that was dropped after a psychiatric assessment if me and we were put under a three year supervision order. During that time my childrens abuser accused me of sexually abusing him and i was arrested and bailed for nine months when i was told that there was no evidence and no case to answer. It was then that i had my first breakdown, which stupidly i tried to hide because i was terrified that if people saw me struggling they would take the kids. Ironic, eh?

Hi OP,
Such a brave post. I have no questions but want to say that I think your brave.

Thank you for answering, OP. Do make sure you don't share anything too identifying or that you're not comfortable with putting on a public forum.

Do the children have regular contact with one another from their separate placements? And has it been possible for each of them to stay with the same foster placement for the whole two years?

I am moved by your post, Opies. I think you have great insight and are a good mother. All will be well in the future.

Opies if you were the same person I remember posting about a stepson abuse issue, I thought you were brave then and think the same now.

If you are not the same poster then I still think you are extremely brave.

All the very best of luck to you.

Because i still have parental responsibility i am able to have some imput - like what school they go to, flu jabs, haircuts, signing consent forms for medical treatment etc.

Six week contact is what was court ordered on advice of psychologist who assessed me at the time. However the SWs have and are able to make it more often. Eldest child was able to say that he wanted more contact and for longer, so that was put in place.

Lots of things have changed for me. I live in a different part of the country now, with my mow mow fiance, and have amazing family support, from both his and mine, something i never had before. I now also have a cleaner who comes once a week. But i think the most important thing is that I am now able to ask for help and admit when I'm struggling. My therapist has been amazing and although there's still lots of work to do, i know i can do it now I've got help.

I have to go now but I'll andwer more later, including the state of the home issue.

I know this might be a bit of an upsetting question but are the younger children likely to be eventually returned to you as well?

@Riotlady - Honestly, i really don't know. I would like to think that they would be, but there's a long long way to go before then. Someone upthread asked if the children had all been with the same caeres for the past two years. The short answer is no. My DC1 on thier third placement. DC4 on second. DC2 is now in a residential care home as they have had more than a dozen placements in 4 months after the longterm placement broke dowm and they needed stability. DC3 though, is with the same carers and it's been the making of him. The carers are amazing and love DC as if they were thier own. They have been able to give DC the one to one attention that he desperately needed and I couldnt give. And i guess that brings me round to the original question... how fair would it be to reove DC from that? DC know that I love them, and a part of that for me is realising that i might not be the best person to meet DC needs. It's incredibly hard to say... but it's not about me. It's about them.

@GaudyNight - yes, the children see each other monthly and they adore each other.

@merrygoround51 - yes, that's me.