My children were removed by Social Services. AMA

[OpiesOldLady]

Obviously nothing that could identify us but I'll be as open and as honest as i can be.

So glad you're getting on the right track, OP. 🤞 for you and your kids.

It makes you wonder why if the OP has a cleaner now (assuming due to disability), why one wasn't organised by SS if the removal was mainly due to the state of the house? Damn sight cheaper and less traumatic than 4 foster placements.

I don't know what the OP hopes to gain from posting this on a parenting site but I'm afraid there's no pat on the back from me. The damage done to those children probably won't be fully apparent for at least 10 years +.

@OneToughMudderFudder Totally agree I'm afraid

Op you've said "Ask me anything" so I have to ask why you continued having children when you were disabled? I'm disabled and struggle with one (and I mean really struggle, so I can relate in that sense).
Surely in this day & age, having multiple children because you have a partner, whilst knowing you'd struggle if you were alone, is naive? Any relationship can end at any moment.

I desperately want another child but I won't have one and if I ever find myself in another long term relationship I will double up on the best precautions available, simply because I know I couldn't cope alone.

Btw I didn't mean that to sound like I'm against anyone having multiple children! Obviously if you've been together a very long time and/or you know you could manage if something happened and you became single/widowed then great. I'm referring to those who have multiple children whilst knowing they'd struggle to cope on their own

Well done op for turning things around and taking responsibility many don't. Xx

@Whyisshedoingit have you consodered that the disability may have started after the children was born?

@OneToughMudderFudder the OP has mentioned her mental and physical health problems. I doubt it was as simple as getting a cleaner or that would have been done first.

Do the siblings all get regular contact with one another?

@OneToughMudderFudder but I don't think OP's children were removed primarily because of home conditions; the home conditions were a symptom caused by the OP's poor mental and physical health, and the place she was in emotionally at the time meant that medium term care plans had to be out in place for the children. It wouldn't just have been a case of someone coming and cleaning the house and everything is fine.

@OpiesOldLady I think you are brave posting on here and I hope that this doesn't cause a set back for you emotionally. I think you were dealt an amazingly difficult situation in terms of your physical health difficulties compounded by the difficulties of the loss of your parents and what happened with the DC's fathers. An awful set of circumstances to have to deal with and it is to your credit in recognising that you were not in the right place to care for your children, and still are not in respect of DC2's additional needs.

I wish you and your DC all the best in the future.

Please can I ask something? With the greatest of respect, was the 'state of the house' really because there was washing around and the beds weren't changed often enough? Because I know many people that live like that. Mess isn't squalor. Is there more to it?

It sounds like an incredibly tough time OP.

Do you get to see the children altogether or one at a time?

Why did you keep having children? I can’t believe someone asked that.
I’m now disabled, but I wasn’t when I had my children like many many others🙄

I just want to say well done OP. You really have not had it easy, but you are working with the authorities, and not screaming and shouting because your children were taken away. Getting help is the best outcome for both you and your children. You are doing really well! You should be very proud of what you are achieving.

@OneToughMudderFudder

Was there no support for you all to stay together OP? What was tried before removal? Where was their father?

She has talked about the support that was offered, respite, homestart, etc but her mental health meant she couldn't make use of it. She's also said that their fathers are dead/a paedophile.

Not a good outcome for the DC. All separated and multiple placements for all but one of them.

From what she says it sounds like a very good outcome for 2/3 of them and for the 4th, their needs may be too complex to be fully met anywhere. The OP has clearly said she couldn't meet all their needs. I'm not sure what the point of berating her for that is. She knows she has caused the children harm and she's working with social services to minimise further harm. Ease up ok?

All the best OP for the return of your DS1 and hopefully in the future for the rest of them

For those who are concerned about the state of the house, as a SW can I state that children are not taken into care because sheets have not been changed and there is clutter. That might be a small part of a very large picture and I can only assume that OP has left out a lot of identifying details.

Do you feel their was one specific point which turned you from being tired/overworked etc that caused your mental breakdown or do you feel it was a number of different things that all happend at once.

Also, if I may. You mentioned some of your kids have additional needs, (I'm assuming behavioural as opposed to physical) if those needs were better met by heath professionals, schools etc do you feel that the situation would have got as bad as it did? So essentially if you got more respite, more help and support etc? And specifically what help do you feel would have benefited that you didn't get?

Also I hope you eldest coming back goes as well as possible! Good luck to you all.

children are not taken into care because sheets have not been changed and there is clutter.

This probably needs repeating. That alone wouldn't meet the threshold for taking the dc into care, nothing like it.

I'm not posting this for a pat on the back. That's the very last thing i deserve. I guess I'm posting because i wanted to show that it is possible to come back from this, it may not be how people perceive a family to be, but it's my family. In a way this has been cathartic for me, and i have been able to look at myself and understand more.

Why did i keep having children? Because i never thought i would end up on my own. I thought the man that i had married was a good man. I thought I'd found my happy ever after, my second chance of happiness. How wrong was I? My illnesses developed in my last pregnancy so i was sterilised, so absolutely no more children for me and i am more than happy with that. Again, i didn't realise that i would end up a single parent. It was never in my plan.

Do i feel enough support was given to me by SS befire the children were removed? Yes, although there were things we both could have done differently. If I'm honest, it was always going to end the way it did. The defining moment i think, the one that cometely broke me was when DC's abuser accused me of abusing him and i was arrested. Until then, i was doing ok. We had not long moved house and it was a total fresh start for us all. Then i was arrested and the realisation that he could still reach us hit me and i broke. I hate myself for not being able to be stronger.

Honestly though, the best thing for my children was to have been removed. I remember one day saying to my SW that I knew she was going to reccomend they be removed and her nodding. I spent the next few days just sobbing. Then i thought that i needed to stop feeling sorry for myself so i asked SW for a meeting to work out the best way of making it as easy as possible for the children. I made little boxes for each of them, and i gave them to thier carers to give to them the day they arrived. In it were letters, photos and favorite books. Gah, getting emotional writing this. All I've ever wanted was to be a good, loving parnt to my children. And i haven't been. All i can do now is try and get better so i can be the best parent for them that i can be.

Oh absolutely it wasn't just the mess. It was the mess and my poor physical and mental health and my inability to change things and the worries Ss had about how the childrens needs would be met moving forward. It certainly wasn't just the state if my house, and apologies if that was what came across.

I don’t know why posters keep focusing on the stats of the house. OP has made it very clear that was just one aspect of the need for the children to be removed.

OP I think you’ve been fantastic in starting this - what a insight. There for the grace of god go all of us- you can already see some posters scratching around to criticise you so they can convince themselves this would never happen to them- however this series of events whilst uncommon really could happen to anyone. Absolute best of luck with your eldests return

I don’t know what to say really. You are very strong to have given up your kids esp when so young. Good luck in whatever you decide to do and hope your children are okay in life.

Did you have to go to court OP, or did the LA get by without a judge if you consented to give up the DC.

Also, substances. Forgive me, I'm not being remotely as prissy as I sound. Round my way it's really quite rare to have DC removed without hardcore addiction issues. Not impossible, but rare. Both people I know who lost their DC got them back when they cleaned. Is this part of your story?

when they cleaned up not cleaned - I'm not a MNetter who lives in terror of Social taking the Kidz when there's a speck on the carpet.

No, it went to court, a judge had to decide re contact etc.

And no addiction issues. I don't smoke or drink at all.

Lots of people do lose care of their children because they’re not capable of caring for them due to mental illness, as well as physical or learning disabilities with no addiction issues. Sadly some people were born incapable of bringing up children and some people have temporary situations which make them incapable. There isn’t always blame

I was worried about the house work, I admit it. It sounded like it was mainly that at the start of this thread, that was mentioned first even before the abuse. Of course I’m worried about my own house when you see instagramers with perfect homes and mine is still a tip from lunchtime, I had no measure of cleanliness when I was a child as my homelife was neglectful too, so I see those perfect homes and worry why mine doesn’t look the same. I either see Hoarders from hell or Mrs Hinch, there is little inbetween. That’s why people panic when mess is mentioned. Thank you for clarifying OP. And I hope your children get what they need, from you, or their carers. You’ve been brave to post today.