My husband had an affair and we are still together AMA

[beccarocksbaby]

I'll give you the high (low) lites and AMA

It was an emotional affair which progressed to sexting
With a coworker who knew he was married
We have a 13 year old (my son but he's raised him since he was 6)
It lasted 6 months
We've been together 6 years
It ended June 2018
I found out he didn't tell me
I read messages between them which made it obvious when looking for info on football for my son
After I found out it lasted a further month until i found out again 3 weeks in threw him out and then a week later he came home after staying with his mother
They had no physical contact but it was going to end up that way clearly
He still works with her

It's now over a year on and we are the strongest our relationship has been. I am 12 weeks pregnant. Accidentally. It's not all roses of course we are still working on things.

Would it have been a bit easier to forgive if he had told you rather than you finding out?

Possibly: it wouldn't have happened. He didn't have the courage or skills to do it then. I guess if he had told me it would have been when it was already finished prehaps? Which would have been easier than what actually happened.

Can you tell us how you have proof that OW has a STI ?

Read the thread, funnily enough you're not the only person to ask that.

*Before you say anything, this is not me being unkind or nasty. I am genuinely concerned that you are staying in a marriage/relationship that will eat you up emotionally.

I don't think I could be as strong as you are.*

You're concerned but can't think you'd be as strong?

You don't need to be concerned. I'm ok with where we are and where I want to be in the future. I have belief that we will get there.

I have read the thread but I got the impression you were in possession of this information by nefarious means.

Can you reassure me I am incorrect ?

I think people are missing the point a lot to having an exit plan. I see now that everyone should have one.

I don't plan to use it.
I hope I don't have to but it gives me reassurance.

I chose to be with him. I don't have to be because of this plan and the practicalities.

He's done a lot of work to make me feel that way. That I want to be with him.

*I have read the thread but I got the impression you were in possession of this information by nefarious means.

Can you reassure me I am incorrect ?*

As I said, numerous times, her husband told me

I think it’s clear the OP doesn’t have proofthat the OW has an STI.

I think it’s clear the OP doesn’t have proofthat the OW has an STI.

True I've never seen a medical record. Just her husbands say so. Like someone pointed out that could be very silly of me as he will have his own feelings.

I am a nurse but not one that would even have access to records like that within my remit even if I wanted to risk my entire much loved career over it

So basically you found out. He was talking about leaving you for her, he then continued to see her, you found out a second time. You chucked him out but for a week only, then took him back? And now you're happier than ever and having a child with him?

I'm not getting the relevance of the std or why it keeps getting mentioned. Don't condoms protect against those?

I am leaving this thread now. It has been over a year since you found out but you feel the need to start a thread about it now or are rehearsing your answers using us, for whatever reason best known to yourself . It is your second long term relationship and somehow you desire not to have a third whatever the cost to him or you.

Good luck. I hope all of this does not eat you up eventually.

Op I understand why you stayed. Cheating is not a deal breaker for everyone. And gasp some men or women cheat once and never again. Good luck with your pregnancy. Wishing you the best.

*So basically you found out. He was talking about leaving you for her, he then continued to see her, you found out a second time. You chucked him out but for a week only, then took him back? And now you're happier than ever and having a child with him?

I'm not getting the relevance of the std or why it keeps getting mentioned. Don't condoms protect against those?*

He wasn't talking about leaving her for me. Not at all actually.

Is there a question in your first paragraph or just a chance to explain your presumptions?

I left the home for weeks and then came back. It was during the holidays so I went away with my son. Then I threw him out after a short period together. He ended their relationship a week later.

We are stronger. I would say happier because of that. I very clearly state it isn't easy at times though.

I don't know why the STD keeps coming up either but I'm just answering posts. I've said before it's hardly fool proof.

*I am leaving this thread now. It has been over a year since you found out but you feel the need to start a thread about it now or are rehearsing your answers using us, for whatever reason best known to yourself . It is your second long term relationship and somehow you desire not to have a third whatever the cost to him or you.

Good luck. I hope all of this does not eat you up eventually.*

Gosh really see through me how can you be so perceptive?!?

I explained why I started the thread earlier on in it. This subject crops up every single day, I just wanted to point out there is an alternative to LTB.

It's not my second long term relationship and I'm not even sure how you've come to that conclusion. I'm 37 years old. I don't have a kid in every relationship I'm in 🤷🏻‍♀️ so that's not really an accurate tally - god knows how else you would have jumped to it.

I said I'd be perfectly happy to start again and meet someone new if that's what I wanted. But I don't. I'm not worried about my future, I chose to be here. If I chose not to be I'm not worried about that either. Life goes on, I learnt that before.

I'm going to take your good luck as sincere because I know nothing about you to judge it on anything but face value.

Hi OP, sorry if this has been covered up thread - do your family know what happened? Have they been supportive of your decisions?
Good luck with the pregnancy - it sounds like you made the right decision for you and I wish you a happy future.

Hi OP, sorry if this has been covered up thread - do your family know what happened? Have they been supportive of your decisions?
Good luck with the pregnancy - it sounds like you made the right decision for you and I wish you a happy future.

My parents do, it was a tough decision to tell them but I needed their support emotionally, my dad and I are very close (we were a single parent family from when I was a baby) and he just is very wise and knows me well. He was obviously angry with him but supports me in what I want and recognises this is my life not his. He did say that he didn't stay in a relationship with cheating and it's his hard line but that he sees the good we are together.

They have taken time to warm up to my husband again but husband understands why and is making efforts to build bridges.

My husbands parents (two sets) both know because practically we needed them. My FIL lives across the road and helped a lot when it all came out, MIL lives locally and husband went to stay with her when I threw him out. Interestingly FIL cheated on MIL and that's why they split up. Both parties have been supportive of me and both said they didn't manage to survive it but are glad that we are doing.

Wow. What are your foundations for staying with him after what he has done?

Wow. What are your foundations for staying with him after what he has done?

I'm not sure exactly what you mean? Foundations?

Surely you have important reasons to stay with someone after such a betrayal?

Surely you have important reasons to stay with someone after such a betrayal?

Oh yes of course, I genuinely didn't get what you mean.

I wanted to be with him.
I felt strongly we could get through it.
I love him very much.

Like I said before when someone asked the question it's very hard to explain but my instinct was very much we should stay together.

@beccarocksbaby
Thank you for posting this. I am currently going through similar. You have been attacked and judged on this thread by others. I have looked at many threads on here about infidelity over the last few months and they are all similar-LTB, have some self respect, get out he’ll do it again- etc etc.
No one is in your situation, your situation is unique to you and no one else can really advise what you should do. There is always such anger thrown at women who stay with cheating partners on here- not the ‘support’ you might expect.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

There is always such anger thrown at women who stay with cheating partners on here- not the ‘support’ you might expect.

I think that's generally reflective of society. I get it. I liked to think that if he ever cheated I'd fuck up his life and LTB. Only he wasn't and I didn't and life is much more nuanced than I ever have it credit for when it comes to relationships.

I support other women who stay because it's common but quiet. And really it shouldn't be. We are criticised for seeing marriage as throw away but then criticised for fighting for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Use the websites I posted below they have been enormously helpful in our recovery and we are doing couples therapy but waited a while to start .

The ow was expecting him to leave you for her over some texts? I think it was a physical affair but you pondering about that isn’t going to help.

I do commend you for working through it and moving on. He really doesn’t deserve you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

The ow was expecting him to leave you for her over some texts? I think it was a physical affair but you pondering about that isn’t going to help

I accept that people with 10% of the information I have are likely to jump to that conclusion. It would have become one I'm sure of it had I not found out.

She's proved herself a fantasist time and time again, naive even maybe that her words and love bombing would be enough 🤷🏻‍♀️. I try not to think about her mind it's a messed up place.

Me too
A long term affair.

My life is better now.
I feel our marriage is more vulnerable in many ways but personally, I’m stronger, wiser and happier 💐

Better the devil you know