My husband had an affair and we are still together AMA

[beccarocksbaby]

I'll give you the high (low) lites and AMA

It was an emotional affair which progressed to sexting
With a coworker who knew he was married
We have a 13 year old (my son but he's raised him since he was 6)
It lasted 6 months
We've been together 6 years
It ended June 2018
I found out he didn't tell me
I read messages between them which made it obvious when looking for info on football for my son
After I found out it lasted a further month until i found out again 3 weeks in threw him out and then a week later he came home after staying with his mother
They had no physical contact but it was going to end up that way clearly
He still works with her

It's now over a year on and we are the strongest our relationship has been. I am 12 weeks pregnant. Accidentally. It's not all roses of course we are still working on things.

Have you had people around you tell what you should do?

I think a lot of people are negative about the OP's choice because they'd like to believe they'd kick their spouse out if this happened to them (I admit I feel that way too) but often that isn't the case

My Mum didn't kick my Dad out. From the first time through to the last. She always got a kick from being the one that "won" him back and loved the frantic bonding they did afterwards, but seeing what his infidelity did to her year in year out was heartbreaking. I remember many times where she would be crying in bed and not leave her room for weeks on end. I was left to parent myself and my younger sister. He eventually left for an OW, and it took Mum nearly 10 years to pull herself back together - she even tried to end her life.

So if my DH was unfaithful (emotionally or physically) he would be out of the door quicker than you can say divorce. I would never let anyone treat me like that. Cheating on your partner is not love, it's mental cruelty.

I really hope you do get your happy ending OP. Especially for the sake of the child you're carrying

What a masochistic thread. I can't imagine how this could be anything but unhelpful for you OP!

I expected it and wouldn't have posted if I didn't think I could handle it.

@Bluntness100 and the ones before that post?

My Mum didn't kick my Dad out. From the first time through to the last. She always got a kick from being the one that "won" him back and loved the frantic bonding they did afterwards, but seeing what his infidelity did to her year in year out was heartbreaking. I remember many times where she would be crying in bed and not leave her room for weeks on end. I was left to parent myself and my younger sister. He eventually left for an OW, and it took Mum nearly 10 years to pull herself back together - she even tried to end her life.

This sounds terrible and to an extent I can relate but I have a one time limit and we are both aware of that.

Everyone is different. Everyone has different levels of resilience.

I think had I found myself as you describe your mum I would like to think I would end it. Your dad clearly didn't change.

You're not wrong about the cruelty. It's an incredibly selfish act to inflict on someone. One personally I am confident I shall not ever do.

AMA - really?

Why is your reliance of your DH so high? Is it financial?

Have you had people around you tell what you should do?

Other than mumsnet? 😂

Not much actually: one or two but they weren't real friends. My actual friends and family listened, asked questions, talked to me, and challenged me if they thought I was full of shit.

They helped me figure out what I wanted and what was best for me.

OP I was you 6 years ago, he's literally done the same thing 6 years on despite changing his whole life and ways etc and I didn't see it coming. I always believed in second chances but now think if they do it once they haven't got that respect and they will always be looking for more because people who are happy dont go looking or pursuing something else. I see that now.

Why is your reliance of your DH so high? Is it financial?

Read the thread I answer this repeatedly. No reliance, just a strong desire to be with him.

OP I was you 6 years ago, he's literally done the same thing 6 years on despite changing his whole life and ways etc and I didn't see it coming. I always believed in second chances but now think if they do it once they haven't got that respect and they will always be looking for more because people who are happy dont go looking or pursuing something else. I see that now.

I'm sorry you're in that situation. I can't imagine.

I've met people 10, 12, 15 years down the line and their partners haven't repeated their mistake.

I'm prepared if it does. I have a plan.

I apologise. I did not read all the thread properly.

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I have an exit plan. I have legal protections. I own our house. I earn more money than him. I have my own finances.

I have all the power that I need to chose what I'm doing with my life and I chose to stay with him. My marriage is important too.

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You have a a plan. What is your plan?

I don't understand why people are so sure they had sex. An emotional affair is often sustained because of the lack of sex. And it's certainly not the lesser of two evils.

I'm glad you worked on it OP. We are all free to decide whether to stay or go. And we make that choice every day.

This is really sad op. When you say it could happen to us, it could this is true. But you can choose to leave so maybe don't be so smug. You made the choice to stay.

OP I think you are great. Not for staying, but for making the right decision for you and your marriage. Only you can know what is best. I also think you are right when you say you know better if he cheated; you know him, we don't. He may cheat again, he may not but you will know you gave it your best shot for better or worse.

Sorry that should read that they didn't have sex.

This is really sad op. When you say it could happen to us, it could this is true. But you can choose to leave so maybe don't be so smug. You made the choice to stay.

Smug? Really? I don't mean to come across as smug. I've been through one of the hardest years. Nothing smug about it. I'd much rather have not been put in to the position to even make this choice.

I did make the choice to stay. I'm happy with my decision. I'm not smug about it though - far from it.

You have a a plan. What is your plan?

I'd rather not go into specifics on a public site but I have money, a secure home I can afford independently, I have a job I can be a single mum and maintain which has a future career path. I have family that support me. HIS family has also supported me. He agreed to certain legal protections when we reconciled which means if we split as a result of this or any other infidelity he gets nothing that wasn't his to start with (very little). Etc etc

beccarocksbaby

Some bitter bitter people on this thread
All the best to you too

OP what you've said about your relationship being too important to let a massive mistake take you down is the most grown up, sensible thing I have seen on mumsnet.

This

Well you have his nuts and balls, how much more can you emasculate him?

Why on earth bother with someone you have no respect for anymore?

Are you staying in this marriage to save face?

Before you say anything, this is not me being unkind or nasty. I am genuinely concerned that you are staying in a marriage/relationship that will eat you up emotionally.

I don't think I could be as strong as you are.

Can you tell us how you have proof that OW has a STI ?

Would it have been a bit easier to forgive if he had told you rather than you finding out?

@beccarocksbaby - it must have been very hard for you to come on here and start this post. I think we all see things from our own perspectives and so sometimes people struggle to understand how someone can accept cheating or an emotional affair, or that they must be naive to try to work past it or accept they know the full truth. I've only read the first page of responses and I can see you have had a bit of push back already for staying or trying to work past this.

I just wanted to say that whilst I haven't been in your situation and I hope to God I never am, I can't imagine how devastating it must have been to discover the situation or how hard it must have been to decide to try forgiving and working past it. Only you could make that decision and know if it was the right one for you, and I think it must have taken a lot to come here and start this thread. I do believe that couples can move past this and be stronger afterwards provided they are completely honest and can understand why it happened, and I wish you and your DH all the luck and strength to make it work. x

*Well you have his nuts and balls, how much more can you emasculate him?

Why on earth bother with someone you have no respect for anymore?

Are you staying in this marriage to save face?*

I do respect the person he has become. I've just made plans that if he ever did this again I would be fine. Rose tinted love specs aside practical matters came to mind for my children.

He doesn't feel emasculated if anything he takes more of an equal share in our life than he ever has.

I don't have face to save. Our friends and our families know what we've been through. They support me whatever I want to do.