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AMA
Original poster

My husband had an affair and we are still together AMA

151 replies

beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 21:41

I'll give you the high (low) lites and AMA

It was an emotional affair which progressed to sexting
With a coworker who knew he was married
We have a 13 year old (my son but he's raised him since he was 6)
It lasted 6 months
We've been together 6 years
It ended June 2018
I found out he didn't tell me
I read messages between them which made it obvious when looking for info on football for my son
After I found out it lasted a further month until i found out again 3 weeks in threw him out and then a week later he came home after staying with his mother
They had no physical contact but it was going to end up that way clearly
He still works with her

It's now over a year on and we are the strongest our relationship has been. I am 12 weeks pregnant. Accidentally. It's not all roses of course we are still working on things.

OP posts:
Original poster
beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:07

So he's told you they didn't have sex. And told her to tell you they didn't have sex. And he told you she had an STI, but he hasn't and that's his "proof".

He could power the national grid with that level of gaslighting.

Yes
She hates him. She wouldn't give a fuck what he said. She's made that clear.
He didn't tell me her husband did.
He's never presented it as proof and I don't know that he even knows.

OP posts:
WantLifeToBeBetter · 10/08/2019 22:09

Jesus, these threads are supposed to be about asking the OP questions, not slating her for her choices Hmm

OP, how did you make the decision to stay with him? Was it ever in question?

LemonAddict · 10/08/2019 22:09

Do you think her husband may have his own agenda in telling you the OW has an STI?

Did you and your DH go for testing after you discovered the affair?

Original poster
beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:09

Is this the kind of role model you want for your son?

One that makes colossal mistakes, takes responsibility for them, works on himself, learns a lot about himself, both privately and public ally, puts himself up for rejection and humiliation by telling our friends and family what we are going through(decided together which ones), and who works his ass off to change our life.

I'm ok with it yes.

My son has seen the devastation it causes. He's also seen how hard it is to work back. My husband has had to earn his way back with him too.

OP posts:
Original poster
beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:10

Op, there’s nothing I want to ask you or say to you apart from have a lovely pregnancy and here’s to a good future.

❤️

OP posts:
TheWristBoundLatexBitch · 10/08/2019 22:10

MY husband cheated on me two years ago for four months.

They had sex multiple times!

She didn't even contact me her "friend" did

We had been together for 13 years and had four children at this point

I'm still not over it although a lot of changes happened after for us

Oh I had no inklings of anything in the whole time

Yours probably also had sex! They make time for it trust me!

We are currently still together but I find it bloody HARD!

Original poster
beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:11

Jesus, these threads are supposed to be about asking the OP questions, not slating her for her choices

OP, how did you make the decision to stay with him? Was it ever in question?

I was ambivalent for about a year about whether to stay or go. I chose to have a go at it and see what happened but made no promises and was honest about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:12

@TheWristBoundLatexBitch I'm sorry you've been here too. It's a fucking bastard.

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 10/08/2019 22:12

Why is your bar set so low?

Original poster
beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:13

Do you think her husband may have his own agenda in telling you the OW has an STI?

Did you and your DH go for testing after you discovered the affair?

He presumed I knew. He may well have his agenda.

Yes.

OP posts:
TheWristBoundLatexBitch · 10/08/2019 22:13

I meant to say good lick op by the way. We make the decision to stay for many reasons. I don't share my story because of judgement. Not even my mum knows

EdWinchester · 10/08/2019 22:13

You need to embolden your quotes/questions please.

Do you worry that it will happen again? Has it damaged your self esteem?

We all think it would be the end but no-one knows how they’d react. I’d struggle to love my dh again.

TheWristBoundLatexBitch · 10/08/2019 22:14

Luck not lick Hmm

LemonAddict · 10/08/2019 22:14

Yes you did go for STI testing?

So you do allow for the possibility that he lied and they did have sex?

summertime06 · 10/08/2019 22:14

Do you still have respect for him?

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 10/08/2019 22:15

Do you honestly not feel like a pathetic mug for staying with him? Not even a little bit?

Doesn’t it worry you that you have chosen a man like him to be a father?

LemonAddict · 10/08/2019 22:15

Do you think having a baby now will strengthen your relationship or put it under even more strain?

Original poster
beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:15

Do you now have access to his phone/emails to check up on him?

Do you have access to his annual leave records at work... how do you know they didn’t both book time off together to go somewhere and have sex?

Do you have access to her medical records to know she has an STD?

Yes - I have access either directly or remotely to everything via a shared password vault. Work stuff, private stuff. At the beginning I checked it a lot, the last few months not so much. When I look back on things his behaviour was a much bigger warning sign. I'm hypersensitive to change and I tackle it with him quickly.

OP posts:
LatteLove · 10/08/2019 22:17

How often do you think about it?

How long did it take you to forgive him? Do you ever still bring it up?

TheWristBoundLatexBitch · 10/08/2019 22:17

Op it is a bastard and I wish it never happened. But for me and my family I feel we made the right decision.

OldAndWornOut · 10/08/2019 22:18

Would you say you now trust your husband?

Do you ever bring up the affair?

Original poster
beccarocksbaby · 10/08/2019 22:18

*You need to embolden your quotes/questions please.

Do you worry that it will happen again? Has it damaged your self esteem?

We all think it would be the end but no-one knows how they’d react. I’d struggle to love my dh again*.

Apologies didn't realise I could

I do at times. We talk it through if I'm anxious.
It has but my self esteem was poor anyway. I've had a lot of therapy since and am getting better.

Over 75% of couples chose to at least try and work on their relationship after infidelity. I genuinely thought the same. I never thought I could stay but faced with it in reality is very different.

OP posts:
LemonAddict · 10/08/2019 22:18

You say he still works with her. How closely?

fikel · 10/08/2019 22:18

Could it be that you’re on here because you’re still not over it at all and angry, which you’re using to vent at mumsnetters?

TinyTickler · 10/08/2019 22:19

OP what you've said about your relationship being too important to let a massive mistake take you down is the most grown up, sensible thing I have seen on mumsnet.

I'm sure every other member must not be human, they're so perfect and infallible.

Good for you for forgiving and moving forward, I hope it works out for you.

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