My husband had an affair and we are still together AMA

[beccarocksbaby]

I'll give you the high (low) lites and AMA

It was an emotional affair which progressed to sexting
With a coworker who knew he was married
We have a 13 year old (my son but he's raised him since he was 6)
It lasted 6 months
We've been together 6 years
It ended June 2018
I found out he didn't tell me
I read messages between them which made it obvious when looking for info on football for my son
After I found out it lasted a further month until i found out again 3 weeks in threw him out and then a week later he came home after staying with his mother
They had no physical contact but it was going to end up that way clearly
He still works with her

It's now over a year on and we are the strongest our relationship has been. I am 12 weeks pregnant. Accidentally. It's not all roses of course we are still working on things.

*Yes you did go for STI testing?

So you do allow for the possibility that he lied and they did have sex?*

I did yes
I dont now.

I obviously don't know if you've been in my shoes but the shock and distress felt in that aftermath of discovery is insane. Constant stream of shitty awful thoughts. That was one of many.

Do you still have respect for him?

I lost masses of it. It's being built back up. It was one of the hardest bits about it though.

I agree that this is not in the spirit of AMA . OP is treated as having put this in AIBU.. so judgemental ! Not to mention presumptive in knowing the OPs DH better than she does !

No. NOT every emotional affair becomes sexual.
No. Not EVERY person who has an EA cheats again.
How do I know this ? Because I had an EA 15 years ago . It didn't become sexual and I would never do it again to DH or myself. So stop with the 'know it all ' comments they are very irritating and not based in fact - just presumption.

In the spirit of AMA I would like to know OP. Was there a time when you were going to leave him or did you always know you would want to try and keep your marriage together. ?

*Do you honestly not feel like a pathetic mug for staying with him? Not even a little bit?

Doesn’t it worry you that you have chosen a man like him to be a father?*

Yes. I have. It's something therapy has helped with a lot.

I see what kind of man he is. He made a mistake and he has spent over a year now trying to grow enough to be worthy of our family.

Do you think having a baby now will strengthen your relationship or put it under even more strain?

If I've learnt one thing it's hope for the best and prepare for the worst. He doesn't have any children of his biologically. Has never had a newborn. We are working together to plan and manage it the best we can.

*How often do you think about it?

How long did it take you to forgive him? Do you ever still bring it up?*

A lot
I don't know that it's about forgiveness, I don't think of it like that, more about what has he done to make me safe in our relationship (as he made me very unsafe in regards to my emotional security). I would say I feel safe now but forgive - not really - is it forgivable? I don't resent it anymore is that the same thing?

We talk about it whenever I need and in couples therapy weekly

You say he still works with her. How closely?

Same department
Different teams
Management of both of them and department are aware of what happened
She is a senior manager and he is a junior member of staff

@Fontofnoknowledge, you're right. This is not AIBU, @beccarocksbaby, apologies for giving you advice instead of asking questions.

If he does it again will you leave?

Why didn’t he get a new job?

Could it be that you’re on here because you’re still not over it at all and angry, which you’re using to vent at mumsnetters?

I posted because I see threads every single day from people discovering affairs and I know what that's like. I thought I might pose the other side of theLTB crew.

Am I venting at people? I'm not sure I'm the one whose been challenging.

In the spirit of AMA I would like to know OP. Was there a time when you were going to leave him or did you always know you would want to try and keep your marriage together. ?

I was ambivalent for about a year but my instinct was to stay together. It very much depended on him and his actions post discovery.

*If he does it again will you leave?

Why didn’t he get a new job?*

Yes and he knows that.

He's contracted for 4 years to that team. There will be large penalties for breaking that.

Once the trust is gone and he most likely will do it again I couldn't try again. Now throw in a child to the mix too it's even worse.

Once the trust is gone and he most likely will do it again I couldn't try again. Now throw in a child to the mix too it's even worse.

Is there a question in there?

Got this weeks lottery numbers? I could do with a win.

It's very difficult to explain the transformation in him that has taken place the last 15 months. Especially if I'm just gonna get told I've been gaslit again.

What is the main reason you have decided to stay with him?

OP, actually quite refreshing to read your post - you’ve fought for your marriage, even though you were (clearly) award that it might not work out. You didn’t “LTB” 🙄 you took control of a bad situation and turned it around. I applaud you!
People seem to want to turn their backs so readily and walk away!
Obviously this isn’t what you would do if your DH was being abusive, but I just think it’s great that something bad happened and you both worked through it.

*aware

What is the main reason you have decided to stay with him?

Love I think. I genuinely knew this wasn't him, although it was. It's a very challenging question to answer. The period of time this happened coincided with a lot of things including a significant mental health crisis which he didn't address but I was aware of. But mostly, after spending a year watching his commitment to growth and repair I love him more. We have a better and stronger relationship which is more honest and brave. We are more open. We are happier.

The practical things are an asshole to sort out but they are doable and I've done them before.
I have security. So those things don't phase me. I'm well aware kids cope (my son was 4 when his dad and I split).

@beccarocksbaby I've just finished reading through the whole thread and just wanted to say that I'm going through a very hard time with my H (had a supposed EA for 6 months that ended when I caught him out 2.5 years ago and 2 weeks ago found out it had actually been a physical affair-I had suspected this from the minute I found out) and I'm struggling massively with the do I stay/go decision... I've not got a question to ask really at this point but reading with interest as my first instinct is to fight for the relationship... your comment re: your Hs behaviour being 'not him' etc has struck a chord with me as my H was never in a million years the type of person to have such a huge betrayal hidden away but he was... it's the shittest of shit situations

Thank you for your reply x

@NoMoreMarbles I'm so sorry you're in this pit. It's awful and difficult while life just carries on around you.

Like I said before I was very ambivalent about the relationship for about a year. I gave him the chance to show me what "recovery" from this was going to be and he did lots of things to help me without trying to "convince" me aggressively.

• he gave me complete access to his stuff all electronic devices and we use lastpass to store passwords

• he went to therapy

• he arranged for couples therapy

• he informed his managers and HR of the relationship

• he has been transparent with me about where he is and we share locations on google maps so if I'm ever anxious I can check. I don't anymore. It comes in handy when we do long runs and pick each other up at the other end though lol

• he does little things like drops me a text when he's leaving work

• he has as minimal a contact with her as possible and keeps it strictly work related. He's professional and maintains that. If it'll generate a lot of contact then he goes through his boss.

• when she attacked me (verbally and tried to disrupt my job) he defended me

• he engaged with a lot of affair recovery specific resources which have helped him understand just how immensely traumatic this is and how to work through it with me

• he took the lead of our recovery (once he got going, it took him a few months)

• he works now on ensuring that he is a safe person for me and that our relationship is safe for me. He recognises he turned my world on it's head and tries to ensure that he does things to ever prevent that feeling again and ensure that I don't feel at risk again.

• he supported me to change my very challenging job to a less challenging one despite taking a pay cut, whilst I processed all of this (I'm still independently financially secure etc just slowed down for a bit)

• he has learnt a lot about himself in therapy and it's been life changing for him. He fully engaged with it and engrossed himself in what was said.

Honestly it's not been a perfect process but when I reflect it's not forgiveness that has made me stay but his sheer hard work and dedication.

Oh and transparency around the affair: I asked 63 million questions and he answered them. Excruciatingly detailed ones at times which he clearly feels a lot of shame and embarrassment about but for me I needed to know to move on (what my brain comes up with is far worse).

I still ask questions. I've asked the same question many times in some cases. He just answers and we talk.

We had an AMA about 4 months post discovery when he really clicked the value of answering these queries instead of trying to control the flow of information. It was so difficult but ultimately very beneficial for us.

Obviously this isn’t what you would do if your DH was being abusive, but I just think it’s great that something bad happened and you both worked through it.

I wanted to pick up on this. I accept that gaslighting someone which all people in affairs do is abusive. He does too. He readily admits he psychologically abused me during that time and is ashamed of that.

But yes, I would never ever advise anyone to stay in a relationship which continues to be after discovery. That includes any other type of abuse - control, financial, physical, sexual etc. I've been in a DV situation in the past and it was difficult to leave. Terrifying. But saved me.

Why is your bar set so low?

Lol I'll take it as a rude but serious question. I don't believe it is.

I do believe humans make errors and that the circumstances of his made it worth working through. I believe that errors are not what makes a person but their response to them are. I believe in personal responsibility. I believe in marriage. I value compassion towards others.

I live my beliefs and values.

Our relationship was tricky before the affair, which he admits was largely due to him and unresolved things he wasn't dealing with, but largely it was good. It is now great. We are a stronger more passionate couple who are honest and brave with one another, we are open and can challenge one another better. Our eyes are wide open and we value our relationship much more rather than taking it for granted.

We drive one another positively. To achieve and to be better people.

Why do you think his girlfriend is so angry with you?

And do you think you will ever feel safe and secure again, especially as you get bigger and hormonal through pregnancy?

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I had similar but threw him out. Four years later and he is still desperate to get back, but reading your post makes me feel better for my decision.

I could never live every day in fear checking messages, emails and continually looking over my shoulder. I feel sick even thinking about it.

I really wish you all the best and hope in this instance the leopard will change his spots.