My husband had an affair and we are still together AMA

[beccarocksbaby]

I'll give you the high (low) lites and AMA

It was an emotional affair which progressed to sexting
With a coworker who knew he was married
We have a 13 year old (my son but he's raised him since he was 6)
It lasted 6 months
We've been together 6 years
It ended June 2018
I found out he didn't tell me
I read messages between them which made it obvious when looking for info on football for my son
After I found out it lasted a further month until i found out again 3 weeks in threw him out and then a week later he came home after staying with his mother
They had no physical contact but it was going to end up that way clearly
He still works with her

It's now over a year on and we are the strongest our relationship has been. I am 12 weeks pregnant. Accidentally. It's not all roses of course we are still working on things.

Do you think he would have told you if he hadn't been caught out?

Sorry you went/are going through this.

Do you ever feel that you still (a year later) challenging his behaviour, location, minuet changes in routine is falling into the realms of controlling behaviour? It must be hard to know the boundary of reassurance for you but freedom as an adult for him - or is this a ‘punishment’ he’s accepted for the affair (aware you said you check less).

Do you ever feel you have to always be hyper vigilant? How long do you think you’ll have suspicions before you become confident and secure in your relationship or has that trust been forever shattered?

Good luck with the pregnancy

I don't really understand op. You say you were ambivalent for a year. So you've only decided to stay with him in the last few weeks, since discovering uou were pregnant?

We are a stronger more passionate couple who are honest and brave with one another, we are open and can challenge one another better. Our eyes are wide open and we value our relationship much more rather than taking it for granted

This is quite a turn around in a few weeks? As you say up until June you were ambivalent about staying.

Is your massive turn around due to your pregnancy?

My god you're fooling yourself. Relationships shouldn't be this much work. Or you like playing the martyr?

Do you think you would feel differently if the affair had been physical? If there had been secret meet ups in hotels etc?

*Why do you think his girlfriend is so angry with you?

And do you think you will ever feel safe and secure again, especially as you get bigger and hormonal through pregnancy?

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I had similar but threw him out. Four years later and he is still desperate to get back, but reading your post makes me feel better for my decision.

I could never live every day in fear checking messages, emails and continually looking over my shoulder. I feel sick even thinking about it.

I really wish you all the best and hope in this instance the leopard will change his spots.*

She was led on as well I suppose. He fed her as much bullshit as me and she made it clear she expected him to leave me for her and he didn't. I don't have sympathy at all but I get it. She's a victim of her own doing. She drove things as much as him.

I should say, I don't live in fear or check things daily. I'm dealing with some anxiety as a result which I'm sorting out but it pre dates my husband let alone his affair. If anything this whole thing has made me realise that I have to change as well. No t because of what he did but because it made me realise I don't have to think like this.

Do you think he would have told you if he hadn't been caught out?

Honestly? No. It was clearly spiralling and his mental health was going down with it. I think she would of eventually she was pushing him to make a choice after 6 months so would have ramped that up.

*Do you ever feel that you still (a year later) challenging his behaviour, location, minuet changes in routine is falling into the realms of controlling behaviour? It must be hard to know the boundary of reassurance for you but freedom as an adult for him - or is this a ‘punishment’ he’s accepted for the affair (aware you said you check less).

Do you ever feel you have to always be hyper vigilant? How long do you think you’ll have suspicions before you become confident and secure in your relationship or has that trust been forever shattered?*

I've worried before about being controlling but we have agreed boundaries, I don't inflict things on him. Like I said it's rare I check now. He has freedom he goes out alone lol.

I think my anxiety makes me hyper vigilant but I'm working on it. I'm sensitive to changes in his behaviour but instead of freaking out and ruminating and escalating I talk with him about how I'm feeling and we work out why. I'm more confident than I was 6 months ago. So I hope to see that continued improvement.

*I don't really understand op. You say you were ambivalent for a year. So you've only decided to stay with him in the last few weeks, since discovering uou were pregnant?

And @Bluntness100 as you both asked the same thing*

I was ambivalent from discovery which was May 18 for about a year in that I made no solid choices but it gradually improved rather than a solid 180 in a day.

I didn't wear my rings until Dec 18 for example. I couldn't bear to look at them till then.

It was a gradual cementing of my decision rather than a sudden one. I recommitted openly, said I was not going to end the relationship around April/May this year before I conceived. The pregnancy if anything has made me reflect more on the decision but I'm confident I've made the right one.

My god you're fooling yourself. Relationships shouldn't be this much work. Or you like playing the martyr?

I'm so happy for you that you've never been in a relationship which had challenges. Or sad that you've not been in one worth fighting through those challenges. Either way you saying things like this that are passive aggressive and openly rude about others choices is rude.

I'm not a martyr lol. Nor a saint.

Do you think you would feel differently if the affair had been physical? If there had been secret meet ups in hotels etc?

Honestly it depends.

Had he had a one night stand and walked away I think it would have been easier.

It's the emotional entanglement which made things very much harder for me. That dependency on her for the ego and the manipulation is what hurt the most and damaged my respect for him.

Had he had sex (if there was any objective evidence) and the emotional stuff, I can't say. I've met wives who have worked through this situation and wives who couldn't. Like I said I never expected to ever be cheated on and still be with the person but here I am. It would have changed things I'm sure but I'm not sure it would have broken us up.

I'm really glad to have read this thread OP. You seem to be such an intelligent and articulate woman, who knows what she wants and is open to grow and develop as a person and help her husband to do so. I haven't been in this situation but I do hope that I would be able to approach it with some of the dignity you have.

Op, good luck. I hope it works out for you with this man and your trust in him is warranted.

I'm really glad to have read this thread OP. You seem to be such an intelligent and articulate woman, who knows what she wants and is open to grow and develop as a person and help her husband to do so. I haven't been in this situation but I do hope that I would be able to approach it with some of the dignity you have.

Thank you. There have been plenty of undignified moments though. Many of them. Including screaming at him in a public space in his workplace. With his colleagues in ear shot.

My situation isn't right for everyone I'm sure there is a breaking point for us all, I know if I ever found myself feeling this pain again for anything I wouldn't be in the relationship anymore.

Thank you. There have been plenty of undignified moments though. Many of them. Including screaming at him in a public space in his workplace. With his colleagues in ear shot.*

The thing is, it takes a lot to allow yourself to be undignified. Most of us are so well-trained to toe the social line that we just hide in our homes and cry. I think it is brave to shout our pain out and let people know how hurt we are. There is a dignity in that, even if it doesn't feel dignified at the time.

@beccarocksbaby I've read a few of the responses you've had on here and to be honest I cannot believe the negativity!

I have been through something very similar with my husband 3 years ago, I decided to stay with him and make the relationship work and to be honest with you I'm so glad I did. We are now in a better place.

I think people should be showing you support and letting you know how strong you are for being able to over come something like this! In many ways it's harder to work on the relationship than it is to walk away from it. No body has ever walked in your shoes, you know your husband and your relationship.

Keep staying so strong! You have done amazing, know your worth and I wish you all the best for the future x

Thank you for posting this.
A couple of months ago I discovered my husband was have an emotional affair for the second time. I took my rings off and I wasn't sure if I'd stay especially as I am disabled and aware of both I'd struggle to live alone and also it wouldn't be straightforward child care wise. He held his hands up immediately. We have talked a lot and continue to do so. We have started marriage counselling and while I am clear he stepped over the boundaries we explicitly agreed when we decided to have children, I can also see the impact situations around my health have affected him. I can also see in some ways our ways of expressing intimacy not just sexually are very different.

Yes in some ways had it been just sex as a one off I'd have been less crushed than the level of intimacy in their conversations. But also I have been with him half my life. We have two children. We have faced life and death together more than once. I have worried about being a pathetic idiot. I have told no one except my best friend because I can't bare other people judging me but equally I don't need other people chipping in while I make up my mind.

beccarocksbaby you're really brave to be out there and owning this. Also to answer questions about it. I debated posting about my situation in the last couple of months but I know I'd read the post thinking LTB and any explanations I give will sound like excuses. Maybe they are but I can only weigh up and decide what to do based on the reality of my marriage. They very best of luck with the pregnancy too xx

Thank you @MrFMercury

Thanks so much! Got them all now just in case!

@Ivra I think a lot of people are negative about the OP's choice because they'd like to believe they'd kick their spouse out if this happened to them (I admit I feel that way too) but often that isn't the case.

I think a lot of people are negative about the OP's choice because they'd like to believe they'd kick their spouse out if this happened to them (I admit I feel that way too) but often that isn't the case

I'm not sure. I think it's people are struggling to believe it's so fantastic now. It's maybe a sense of thr op not being completely honest.

It's fine to say I can't face life alone. Or I don't want to start again, I'm too old, I've invested too much, I want kids, whatever.

But this relationship is only six years old. He's already been over the side. And for some quite extensive time. Six months at least he was lying and having an affair. Likely still lying as they were let's face it, there would have been sexual involvement . And barely a year later, it's fabulous and a baby on the way.

It just sounds so unlikely. It's so quick.i think that's why the negative reactions to the op. If It was five years down the line, but it was only last summer he was with someone else.

*I'm not sure. I think it's people are struggling to believe it's so fantastic now. It's maybe a sense of thr op not being completely honest.

It's fine to say I can't face life alone. Or I don't want to start again, I'm too old, I've invested too much, I want kids, whatever.

But this relationship is only six years old. He's already been over the side. And for some quite extensive time. Six months at least he was lying and having an affair. Likely still lying as they were let's face it, there would have been sexual involvement . And barely a year later, it's fabulous and a baby on the way.

It just sounds so unlikely. It's so quick.i think that's why the negative reactions to the op. If It was five years down the line, but it was only last summer he was with someone else.*

This is a lot of presumption. I found out about the affair last May not last summer.

I'm 37 I'm pretty sure I could start again if I wanted to 😂. I never planned to have another child after nearly dying with my first that is why he's 12 and I'm only now accidentally up the duff. I'm quite happy in my own company and was a single mum for a long time before and would have no worries doing it again. I'm much more financially secure than I was when I was single before.

I've never said our relationship is perfect. I said it was better. We are still in therapy both individual and joint. I struggle with anxiety. I am dealing with the woman he cheated on me with being very stressful. We have days when we struggle. What it has done has wiped out is the rose tinted glasses and because of that I feel very empowered to make decisions both practical and emotional. He's made significant gains in growing the hell ip and dealing with his mental health problems which have plagued his entire life. Behaviour I previously tolerated I don't anymore. I have actual boundaries that are healthy and he has insight and his mindset and behaviour has improved a long with his mental health. The baby is not a reflection of the state of our relationship. It was an accident. I'm sure no one has ever made that mistake before but here I am.

This fixation on sex is tiresome tbh. You don't know any of the people involved, their schedules or anything. I'm pretty sure I'm in the 3rd best position to know the answer as I'm in the relationship now. He's told me things that have hurt me far far worse. Had I not found out when I did it absolutely was heading that way but the sexting had only started 3 weeks prior to that. And that I know for sure as I read every single message between them. They made sense and followed on. Across 4 different platforms. Things were not missing. She started the conversation which first led to sexting with "I was wondering what it would be like to be with you in bed" so that would indicate she didn't already know. Believe me I can't erase that from my brain. Would they have had sex? absolutely. Did they? I believe not. Either way focusing on it never helps. It can't be proved either way.

I'm sometimes furious with him. I'm sometimes sad. I'm sometimes so proud at the work he's done on himself. I'm proud of the work I've done on myself. Sometimes I don't think about anything about it and have a normal day with my husband and child and dog and cats.

We are one year in to "recovery". It's largely agreed amongst people who deal with this as their profession that it's a 2 year process. Given that this is AMA you'd think that people would just ask questions that challenge rather than assert their knowledge of my relationship is better than mine ... maybe that's just expecting far more from people than is reasonable though 🤷🏻‍♀️

What a masochistic thread. I can't imagine how this could be anything but unhelpful for you OP!

Op

This is what you said.

It is now great. We are a stronger more passionate couple who are honest and brave with one another, we are open and can challenge one another better. Our eyes are wide open and we value our relationship much more rather than taking it for granted. We drive one another positively. To achieve and to be better people

I was simply trying to explain why you are getting a negative reaction.