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I'm 20 with an older boyfriend AMA

107 replies

bathtimesanity · 26/12/2018 22:04

I'm currently debating the topic of being in a relationship with an older man on another thread and got a lot of questions there, some criticism and cynical views too- so thought I'd do an AMA to give some honest answers and my view on older/younger relationships!

Promise to answer honestly! :)

OP posts:
MummySharkBabyShark · 27/12/2018 06:47

Do you have children?

Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 06:49

You’ve not actually had the relationship then?

So do you want people to ask about why you are considering dating an older man? Confused

ISdads · 27/12/2018 06:52

Why do you want to be with a man who can't have a relationship with women his own age? Even at your age, I thought them horrible inadequates.

bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 07:01

@Loopytiles No, I'm in the relationship currently- 1 year 4 months so far. I thought I made that clear in my OP? Sorry if not!

OP posts:
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 07:02

@MummySharkBabyShark No. neither does he. We would like to start trying for a baby in 4 years time when I've finished my degree. :)

OP posts:
WaterBird · 27/12/2018 07:03

How much older than you is he?

bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 07:04

@ISdads it's not a case of him not being able to have relationships with women his own age- he has done ever since he was 16/17.

He previously closed up when a long term ex girlfriend cheated on him. He hadn't dated anyone seriously again until I came along.

I'm the first "younger woman" he's been with.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 07:05

Was he single when you met? Well off financially?

Does he pay for things?

bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 07:05

@WaterBird I am 20, he is 35- so 15 years :) not that bad I think!

OP posts:
Escolar · 27/12/2018 07:06

Are you willing to be your husband’s carer when you are both older (eg when you’re in your 60s and he’s in his 80s)?

Obviously this could happen in any relationship, and at any age, but have you accepted the fact that it’s much more likely to happen to you?

WaterBird · 27/12/2018 07:08

No, not bad at all.

MummySharkBabyShark · 27/12/2018 07:08

My husband is 11 years older than me. It’s not something we consider as ‘special’ as it’s not uncommon to have an age gap.

All the best for the future.

bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 07:09

@Loopytiles Yes he was single when we met- he had been since the last relationship when he got cheated on. (I think he was around 30 then).

No, no well of financially- he's doing well though. Has his own business and wants to keep growing it. 40k per year at the moment I believe.

No, he doesn't pay for things. We live in home together- I have a job and pay half the rent equally, as well as towards unities and buy my own food each month.

If we go on dates he will often treat me and insist I don't pay- though I always offer, he understands that obviously being 20 my career hasn't started yet so my cash flow is significantly less! :)

I never wanted to be a 'sugar baby' or just there for the money, so I'm not! And I make sure he knows that I can pay my way.

OP posts:
OnlineAlienator · 27/12/2018 07:10

Pffft cmon, you're 1yr in with a 15yr gap, if we were going to do this thread we'd want 30yrs with a 30yr gap!

You do you, OP

bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 07:12

@Escolar I know it's likely to happen a lot sooner, but again he's only 35. He'd be 40 when we'd start trying for a baby so I don't think that's old at all.

I've always said I would never limit myself in a relationship. If it gets to a point when he's older and I'm still full of life, the feelings aren't there anymore etc I would always leave. Same as if we started drifting apart now, if I'm no longer happy, the love isn't there anymore, I would leave.

OP posts:
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 07:12

@WaterBird thank you :)

OP posts:
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 07:12

@MummySharkBabyShark Thank you! How lovely for you, all the best :)

OP posts:
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 07:15

@OnlineAlienator haha! Sorry to disappoint! I did it because people have been outraged on here before regarding the 15 years (and in real life before they actually met me!)

I wouldn't date someone older than 42 or commit to a serious relationship with someone older than he is at the moment for reference. So the age gap would never be 30 years.

Fun fact- his sister is in her late thirties engaged to a mid sixty year old. But doesn't work and hasn't for a long time, she still hates me though.

OP posts:
ISdads · 27/12/2018 07:15

His past history (the whole sad tale of not trusting women) is exactly why he has deliberately chosen a very very young woman. Control. Yuck.

Ironically, I am in a relationship with a similar age gap 😁 but then, I'm not 20. It's your age that makes me see him as a sleazy inadequate. What do his friends think of your relationship?

CircleofWillis · 27/12/2018 07:20

It doesn’t sound so bad now but presumably when you met you were an 18/19 year old dating a 33/34 year old and somehow that makes me worry about his motives in this. Have you had a relationship before meeting him? What do your parents think of him?

sandgrown · 27/12/2018 07:22

A close relative married a man 21 years older .They went on to have two children. The first child was born just after she finished university so no chance to establish her career. He treated her well and she never had to worry about buying a house as he had a property when they met.
He got on well with her family and friends but one of his children, who was a similar age, refused to have anything to do with her. As he got older and wanted to be more of a homebird she was regaining her freedom as the children were growing up. The age gap really began to show and sadly they split up.

Luglio · 27/12/2018 07:23

He previously closed up when a long term ex girlfriend cheated on him. He hadn't dated anyone seriously again until I came along.

Aw, and you saved him from all those horrid faithless older women. Good for you.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 27/12/2018 07:29

I was going to ask what you had in common with him? I'm 31 and dated a 41 year old man at 26, I found him really boring and we shared no interests, even though I was the one with children and he was free and single.
But I wouldn't say 20 and 35 is that much of a gap. As you get older it will seem less.

bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 07:31

@ISdads he didn't actually choose me thinking I was this young- he always said he thought I was in my twenties when he met me, whether he was complimenting me or not I don't know.😉 I did think he was 25 when we met though as so many of the guys I'd met that age looked like him!

I can assure you he does not control me in any way- any sign of that and I would be outta there girl! I respect myself.

You may see him a sleazy but I can assure you I'm very happy, as is he and he's a perfect gentleman.

His friends have met me and one pair are married with children, we regularly go out with them for dinner. They're lovely people, my best friend has met him and likes him too!
Other 'friends' guys that fancied me and kept sending me dick pics sent me a lot of hate when we became public unfortunately.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 07:32

Dating you when you were a teen and he was in his 30s reflects badly on him.

Ending the relationship would be relatively easy for you before DC, but that would change should you have DC, especially if you go PT at work or SAH.

You plan to ttc very early on in your career, so there is a high risk that after DC - given the negative impact of motherhood on earnings for many of us - you won’t earn enough to be financially independent or to able to support your DC as a single parent.

Also increased risks of fertility issues, eg miscarriage, and certain health conditions in DC, eg autism, increase when the father is older.

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