I'm 20 with an older boyfriend AMA

[bathtimesanity]

I'm currently debating the topic of being in a relationship with an older man on another thread and got a lot of questions there, some criticism and cynical views too- so thought I'd do an AMA to give some honest answers and my view on older/younger relationships!

Promise to answer honestly! :)

@CircleofWillis I was nearly 19 when we met. I understand that raises ref flags for a lot of people and it certainly did for my parents, they met him a few times in the early days and love him now, he's funny- him and my brother love taking the piss out of me!

I hadn't had a serious relationship until now. Just a thing with a guy I met at college- he was 21 at the time when I was 17/18.

@sandgrown that's sad, sounds like they had a great time together before then though! I always promote living for the now. I'm not going to avoid someone older than me just for fear of becoming a carer in later years, why shouldn't I be happy now? :)

I'm lucky he doesn't have any children as that would put me off at this age.

@Luglio I never said I saved him. I'm not one for tooting my own horn.

I'm flattered he chose me is all.

@Chocolatecoffeeaddict thank you, for what we have in common:
We both love going to the cinema, watching movies together etc.
He plays golf and to my surprise actually got me to love the game now! I'm getting pretty good
Our sense of humours are prefect together.
Personalities match,
We love doing similar things (we originally me met up at the gym we are both members at)
Love animals, dogs especially.

That's just a small example :)

Do you feel there is anything you could learn from older women who have had relationships that lasted many years, careers, children, bereavements, illness, redundancies, house purchases, marriages, divorces and failures in their lives? If so, what?

@Loopytiles I am aware of the health risks- as I said previously he would only be 40 when we'd start TTC there are plenty of dads age 40-45 with healthy children. It's not a problem until much older I believe.

I plan to study Law in 2019 at uni, so I'm confident only taking a year out will be fine for my career. Obviously it can take some time to conceive as well so I wouldn't put getting into my career straight away on hold until I've had a baby! I'd go straight into my job whilst trying to have a baby. Iyswim? I've also had consistent jobs from age 15 and never not worked so I'd say my CV looks great and shows excellent work ethic! Plan to work through uni too.

@kenandbarbie yes of course! Things like dealing with arguments, heart break, grievance, careers etc. I don't seek advice regarding our relationship though from older women, unless I ask mum or a family member for advice.

It amazes me that people are so negative. You're clearly really happy together.
Too many people choose their partner based on a tick box exercise.
Age, looks, job e.t.c
By far the most important thing is getting on with each other and respect. Which you clearly do. For information there is 19 years between me and my partner. We've got a 1.5 year old together and are expecting our second. I'm 35 (36 in jan). He's 55. He's playing down stairs with our daughter at the moment while I'm chilling on mumsnet and he's made me a hot blackcurrant squash :) we normally have a drink together in bed.
Didn't mean to ramble so much. Especially as I haven't got a question. I hope you continue to be really happy together.

@kayakingmum thank you so much! And congratulations on the pregnancy!💐💕 Your partner sounds like a lovely dad! Wishing you all the best x

I don't get the angst. I'm 20 too, and I'm married to a 26 year old, we have a 1 year old

Yes, your CV is great NOW.

But in your early working years as a graduate with a DC you’d be competing with people your age and older with no DC. You would be at a big disadvantage relative to them, even working full time, unless your H did MUCH more of the parenting and domestic work.

You would have no unfair dismissal rights for two years.

The work/earnings impacts of motherhood go way, way beyond maternity leave. Law - if that’s your desired field - is ultra long hours and competitive and is not known for womens equality or flexible working.

Yes of course many men over 40 have healthy DC, but more of their partners than younger mens partners will have gone through invasive and stressful fertility treatment, others have DC with additional needs or health issues, others cannot have biological DC. Of course there are risks at any age, but for you and he they would be increased because of his age (40-45).

Loopy Wrong thread?

@viviloo thank you :)

@Loopytiles I'm aware of employment law thank you.

I wouldn't be competing with a child when I'm fresh out of uni. I see it as starting my career and trying to conceive whilst doing that. I may not get pregnant for 2 years! Therefore I'd be protected anyway.

I'm also aware of health risks. Thanks for your advice.

Law is competitive and demanding, however- surely we should be seeking to change the women's equality standards within Law? Instead of complaining about them and insinuating it's impossible to have a child whilst working in that field?

We can happily afford childcare so that's no worry.

I think this is a total non-issue.

I met exDP when I was 28 and he was 50. Of all of the things that went wrong between us, age was absolutely not a factor. Crack on, OP and don’t give the age gap a second
thought- you’re hardly Anna Nicole Smith...

Back in a bit! Got to get ready to catch a train, shopping trip with my best friend! I'll reply again once I'm on the train.

I don't understand. Nothing special or uncommon with a 15 year age gap.

15 years between me and DH. No ones ever said anything and we hardly notice the age difference.

I was 26 when I met him, he was 41.

Ffs my hubby is 10 years older than me (met when I was 20) married now after 13 years and have two children. Seriously you’re situation is nothing special sorry 😐🙄

You are bonkers if you think you can complete a law degree with a small child though. I’d really really wait on that front.

Having a good, well paid job and financial independence was pretty important to me at 20, even more so at 30 and beyond.

For the majority of women, having DC in early 20s makes that much more difficult.

One day, I think you’ll look back at this and be embarrassed op.

Say you do a one year postgrad in law and get a job you had 3 years graduate experience before having DC1, which would take you to your mid 20s and him to 45+. You would still be likely to find it hard to get anywhere at work, unless prepared to work “full time plus”. Or take a lower paid role.

“surely we should be seeking to change the women's equality standards within law”. Yeah, women/mothers who are/were or wanted to be lawyers have never tried that!

Sorry but I think you need a hobby you are obsessed with this relationship - is it your first?

I’ve been in a really similar situation. Could have written some of your posts myself.

I had a 14 yr age gap with my ex I was 17 and we were together 22 months, (during my first year at uni)The gap in itself wasn’t an issue, I was mature for my age and he was young for his age if that makes sense.

I broke it off in the end as we were in very different places in our lives and wanted very different things. He wanted to settle down and I wasn’t ready for that, I wanted to get settled in my life/career. He also felt a lot more for me than I did for him.

I would be thinking very carefully if I were you before going any further, - what is your life like now what kind of arguments/disagreements do you have. Can you picture the two of you together 5, 10, 20 or 30 years from now?

If so I would say go for it and if you have any doubts (and as you are posting in forums I think you do) then maybe just carry on the relationship but hold off until after your degree before having children.

You are so young and things can change, opportunities arrive and things may be different in a year or so.

As for me, I’m 32 now my DH is 33 and we are a much better match but I don’t regret that relationship when I was 17 - when it was good it was good and it has given me more life experience.

Happy to exchange pm’s if you want someone to talk to who’s been in a similar boat.

good luck

Would you consider this the most interesting thing about you?